PA CYF made us agree to 30 day safety plan - my baby has to stay at parents - caseworker wont return calls!! plz help!

[Just Blue]

Well, I appreciate your insight. I do not feel he is going to drink when he gets out.

Here is a better question...

If he does stay sober when he gets out of jail, and if he does get into counseling and/or outpatient or inpatient if needed rehab, THEN will I be allowed to love him again and be together again? I want the best for our daughter, this is a harder situation than anyone seems to understand.

Really? "Will I be allowed to love him"? Do you realize how nuts that sounds?

 

[Ohiogal]

Well, I appreciate your insight. I do not feel he is going to drink when he gets out.

Here is a better question...

If he does stay sober when he gets out of jail, and if he does get into counseling and/or outpatient or inpatient if needed rehab, THEN will I be allowed to love him again and be together again? I want the best for our daughter, this is a harder situation than anyone seems to understand.

Your "feelings" do not matter. He needs to be clean and sober before you -- if you give a crap about your child -- let him back. Why? Because the police have come out 10 times in 4 years. That is an extreme amount. I am an attorney GAL ... if CYF files in court, expect you have to do a parenting evaluation, mental health evaluation and alcohol and drug assessment as well as be able to prove basic needs for your daughter prior to her coming back. You have proven you cannot follow court orders because even with the no contact order you accept his calls -- he can't follow them either. And yet you make excuses.

You are one of thousands I have dealt with. Next you will say you love him and he has NEVER harmed the child (you have said that already) and how dare I say you will have to do anything. That is your ignorance and co-dependency talking. I pity you. I am trying to help you. KICK HIM to the curb if you want your child. MAKE HIM prove 12 months SOBRIETY. If you don't, you will regret it.

 

[HRZ]

Well by your own statement your BF is an abuser of booze and perhaps your lawyer is a lot wiser than you give credit...if the police were called 10+ times the child may well be in harms way ....and you need to think about a different set of circumstances focused on safety of child .

 

[stealth2]

At the end of the day, while *you* may only have minimal milestones to be able to get the child back, Dad will have many more hoops. It is more than likely that he will be required to complete rehab and a period of proven sobriety before he is allowed to live in the same home as his child. You say that the arrests/charges/PO are bogus, but these things don't happen willy-nilly. And if it is found that you continue to allow contact against the order, you can expect the child to be removed again.

As a parent, I'll be honest. As soon as you had that child - her needs come first. Before yours, before his. Your love of him, his love of booze, etc. - all of it is irrelevant.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Why do you feel her own parents can't provide her the love she deserves? Her daddy is an alcoholic and does need help to make sure he never drinks again when he gets out of jail. Her mommy is sober and she is my priority. I exclusively breastfed her the first 3 months and I've been a stay at home mom making sure she is happy and taken care of and learning and playing every single day since she was born - which by the way I also fought for considering the high risk OB tried to tell me the diagnosis of Vasa Previa and Velamentous Cord Insertion had suddenly vanished at 33 weeks. I demanded a C-section and I was told by my OB that she was lucky I didn't stop until they agreed to bring her out early at 38 weeks. She had the cord around her neck twice, true knot in her cord and the Velamentous Cord Insertion was confirmed. I would hardly consider myself a hero for doing right by my own daughter, my son was stillborn in 2016 at 33 weeks and I was NOT going to allow incompetent doctors to rule my care of my baby. She is alive today because I stood up for her. I love her more than anything in the world and I wouldn't put her in harms way - EVER. So maybe step off your high horse and either answer the question as to the 30 day safety plan or my other about the no contact order OR don't bother with your assumptions.

If I didn't care about getting her back, I would not be posting everywhere I can think of TO GET HER BACK HOME!

Also, the caseworker for CYF AGREED that the person who setup the safety plan had no idea what she was doing and he told me all I needed to get done was the drug and alcohol assessment. I completed the assessment and I was told by the woman who did it that I didn't have any problem and she would recommend nothing but CYF makes them do a "minimum" recommendation of one 3 hour class. I already scheduled that class and will complete it and all of the requests by CYF will have been completed satisfactory. There is absolutely no reason she can't come home.

Again, you have to choose: your child or her Dad. You do not get to have both.

This is not me being judgmental. This is a legal FACT.

Ditch. The. Alcoholic. That's how you start to prove that your baby is a priority. Follow any and every recommendation of CYF. That's how you prove to them that you're serious about taking care of your child. Join Al Anon, or some other group that helps the family members of alcoholics. You can love him, you just have to obey no contact orders and you can't be with him until he's proves he's sober for over a year AND CYF rules him not a danger to the child.

For me, and most parents I know, it's a no brainer: choose the helpless kid over your adult partner. The fact that you are not getting this through your thick skull means you may end up with only supervised visitation with your child indefinitely.

P.S. Your birth story does not make you a hero. It is also legally irrelevant.

 

[hsdr2017]

It sounds ridiculous because it is ridiculous. im being told I cant love someone or be with a man that I love and I want to be with..

 

[cbg]

It sounds to me as if you have two choices:

1.) Be with him now, and potentially lose your child.
2.) Love your child enough to stay away from him until he's been a year sober, and then have both of them.

Are you enough of an adult to choose door #2? Because there is no door #3

BTW, no one is saying you can't love him. But we don't all get to be with everyone we love all the time.

 

[Just Blue]

It sounds ridiculous because it is ridiculous. im being told I cant love someone or be with a man that I love and I want to be with..

No. You are being told you should place the baby first. Grow the heck up.

 

[stealth2]

It sounds ridiculous because it is ridiculous. im being told I cant love someone or be with a man that I love and I want to be with..

Nope. You can love him. You just can't have him AND your child right now. You'll likely have to choose - that's what adults do.

 

[hsdr2017]

Okay. Here is my thing.. adults make choices on their own. They are NOT given forced orders not to be with who they choose or worse yet being told they cant try to work things out with their babies father and their Family because some bozo decides to tell them that.

If I were a 16 year old, fine I would understand but I am an adult and there is NO reason CYF or the state should be allowed to force me to choose between my daughter who I will obviously choose if I am absoloutley forced to; OR her dad who helped create her. We have the right to work our relationship out for our family.

I have the right to give him a chance to prove himself worthy of being my man and in our daughters life. I also have the ability to tell him if he screws up one time, has even one sip of alcohol that he will be out of our lives forever.

What does nobody understand?!

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

Okay. Here is my thing.. adults make choices on their own. They are NOT given forced orders not to be with who they choose or worse yet being told they cant try to work things out with their babies father and their Family because some bozo decides to tell them that.

If I were a 16 year old, fine I would understand but I am an adult and there is NO reason CYF or the state should be allowed to force me to choose between my daughter who I will obviously choose if I am absoloutley forced to; OR her dad who helped create her. We have the right to work our relationship out for our family.

I have the right to give him a chance to prove himself worthy of being my man and in our daughters life. I also have the ability to tell him if he screws up one time, has even one sip of alcohol that he will be out of our lives forever.

What does nobody understand?!

You are the one not understanding. The state isn't making you choose anything. At least not directly. The state is safeguarding your child. The fact that their doing so requires you to make a decision is irrelevant.

 

[Just Blue]

Okay. Here is my thing.. adults make choices on their own. They are NOT given forced orders not to be with who they choose or worse yet being told they cant try to work things out with their babies father and their Family because some bozo decides to tell them that.

If I were a 16 year old, fine I would understand but I am an adult and there is NO reason CYF or the state should be allowed to force me to choose between my daughter who I will obviously choose if I am absoloutley forced to; OR her dad who helped create her. We have the right to work our relationship out for our family.

I have the right to give him a chance to prove himself worthy of being my man and in our daughters life. I also have the ability to tell him if he screws up one time, has even one sip of alcohol that he will be out of our lives forever.

What does nobody understand?!

For God's sake!! Grow up!

 

[stealth2]

Okay. Here is my thing.. adults make choices on their own. They are NOT given forced orders not to be with who they choose or worse yet being told they cant try to work things out with their babies father and their Family because some bozo decides to tell them that.

If I were a 16 year old, fine I would understand but I am an adult and there is NO reason CYF or the state should be allowed to force me to choose between my daughter who I will obviously choose if I am absoloutley forced to; OR her dad who helped create her. We have the right to work our relationship out for our family.

I have the right to give him a chance to prove himself worthy of being my man and in our daughters life. I also have the ability to tell him if he screws up one time, has even one sip of alcohol that he will be out of our lives forever.

What does nobody understand?!

When police are called every few months, it is clear that the adults are not capable of making good decisions with regards to the things that affect their child. So yes, they need to be given "orders". Really - it's time for you to grow up - you're not going to get your cake AND eat it. And you BF is NOT working anything out - he has apparently refused to agree to treatment up to now. SOMEONE has to give the both of you a kick to the rear. And that someone is CYF.

 

[cbg]

Sounds to us as if he's been given several chances and failed at them. How many more does he get? Why is someone wrong for wanting to make sure your child is safe in the interim?

 

[not2cleverRed]

Okay. Here is my thing.. adults make choices on their own. They are NOT given forced orders not to be with who they choose or worse yet being told they cant try to work things out with their babies father and their Family because some bozo decides to tell them that.

If I were a 16 year old, fine I would understand but I am an adult and there is NO reason CYF or the state should be allowed to force me to choose between my daughter who I will obviously choose if I am absoloutley forced to; OR her dad who helped create her. We have the right to work our relationship out for our family.

I have the right to give him a chance to prove himself worthy of being my man and in our daughters life. I also have the ability to tell him if he screws up one time, has even one sip of alcohol that he will be out of our lives forever.

What does nobody understand?!

You can make your choice... But there are consequences. You choose the man, you don't get to have your kid around, because the kid is an innocent child who can't take care of herself and needs protecting from your poor choice.

You are acting like a 16 year old.

The judge is not a bozo. The police are not bozos. The CYF caseworkers are not bozos.

Stand by your man. Sure. But you don't get to raise your child if you do that. That's the way it goes.

Everyone *I* know, when faced with such a choice, chooses their kid(s).