Sole Custody and Supervised Visitation

[Mambo123]

What is the name of your state? FLORIDA

2 Questions:
1. My ex hasn't seen the kids in over 4 years (and 3 years ago sent a letter to one of the kids about his overdose and how he almost died! I didn't get the mail that day so I wasn't able to intercept it!). In this time he's been in and out of 3 rehabs, the last one he checked himself out of and disappeared. Recently his parents have tried to find him to bring him home to their house in another state. I've maintained the kids' relationship with their grandparents so they could all still be in each other's lives otherwise they'd have never seen each other. At this point if ex resurfaces, I do not want him to have contact with the kids. Can I get his parental rights revoked - show abandonment - and if so, how? How can I prove this? Except for 'witnesses' who haven't seen him in over 4 years or know my kids and have never met their dad. (he sued me in 2016 to reduce child support (that he hasn't paid in 5+ years) and of course he never showed up to the 2 court hearings or mediation so at least that's on record - as well as all the money from 2014-2016 he hasn't paid in child support, etc.!). I also DO have a long distance parenting plan when he moved away 5 years ago that states he has to make plans 30 days in advance to see the kids otherwise I have the right to refuse the visit. I feel like I need something more now, though.

2. I don't trust his parents to NOT keep him away from the kids. Obviously the kids would no longer be allowed to go to their state without me but just in case, how can I get supervised visitation with his parents NOT allowed to be the supervisors (since they are the ones that are going to bring him back into their lives). Again, how to show proof? I have docs from his first rehab but everything else has just been told to me from other family but how do I show he's an addict and that his parents are irresponsible?

At least the kids are teenagers now. I really don't want them to have to testify but if it means they won't have to see their dad, they would probably do it.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state? FLORIDA

2 Questions:
1. My ex hasn't seen the kids in over 4 years (and 3 years ago sent a letter to one of the kids about his overdose and how he almost died! I didn't get the mail that day so I wasn't able to intercept it!). In this time he's been in and out of 3 rehabs, the last one he checked himself out of and disappeared. Recently his parents have tried to find him to bring him home to their house in another state. I've maintained the kids' relationship with their grandparents so they could all still be in each other's lives otherwise they'd have never seen each other. At this point if ex resurfaces, I do not want him to have contact with the kids. Can I get his parental rights revoked - show abandonment - and if so, how? How can I prove this? Except for 'witnesses' who haven't seen him in over 4 years or know my kids and have never met their dad. (he sued me in 2016 to reduce child support (that he hasn't paid in 5+ years) and of course he never showed up to the 2 court hearings or mediation so at least that's on record - as well as all the money from 2014-2016 he hasn't paid in child support, etc.!). I also DO have a long distance parenting plan when he moved away 5 years ago that states he has to make plans 30 days in advance to see the kids otherwise I have the right to refuse the visit. I feel like I need something more now, though.

2. I don't trust his parents to NOT keep him away from the kids. Obviously the kids would no longer be allowed to go to their state without me but just in case, how can I get supervised visitation with his parents NOT allowed to be the supervisors (since they are the ones that are going to bring him back into their lives). Again, how to show proof? I have docs from his first rehab but everything else has just been told to me from other family but how do I show he's an addict and that his parents are irresponsible?

At least the kids are teenagers now. I really don't want them to have to testify but if it means they won't have to see their dad, they would probably do it.

Are you remarried? No you cannot get his parental rights just revoked. YOu have to follow the court order or motion to modify it but that would involve serving dad.

 

[Mambo123]

Are you remarried? No you cannot get his parental rights just revoked. YOu have to follow the court order or motion to modify it but that would involve serving dad.

No I am single (happily!)

I know I would need a court order to modify but is that possible? He's MIA - only way to be able to serve him is IF his parents do end up finding him and having him live at their house. Right now, it's fine with him MIA because there's very little chance of him showing up anyway. I'm just trying to get options / ducks in a row for IF his parents actually do find him. (so I can get supervised visitation if they plan on allowing him to see the kids - they are hiring a private investigator - they haven't told me any of this - my ex brother and sister in law did).

 

[t74]

I am troubled by your attitude regarding your children's grandparents wanting to find their child. As a senior with children old enough to have children, I'll tell you that you will never stop caring for your child. I would be more worried about their character and fitness as supervisors of visitation if they were not looking for their child.

Why should he be kept away from the children? You have said nothing to indicate your shared children are at risk of harm from their father and would justify long term supervised visitation.

Your anger towards your ex is going to affect your children. Remember, he is 1/2 of them and the other 1/2 you. How do you think they would feel if they find that their father has died? Have you considered that many become addicts in their attempt to self medicate for serious mental illness?

Your best option is to consult a local attorney about your options at this point. (S)he can also describe to you the alternate means of service. You also need to see a counselor; your attitude exhibited in your posts needs adjusting.

 

[Mambo123]

Well my ex sent the kids a suicide email (to my email) a few years ago talking all about he took pills and he's going to die and never mentioned them - just talked all about himself and his long lost 'love' from HS. Totally inappropriate and I'm the one who spent 5 hours helping law enforcement find him (he was in a different state). The grandparents have spent over $650k putting him in rehabs that he leaves. - so he had the chance to continue therapy and take antidepressants and walked away from the opportunity...twice. I agree that there has to be mental illness - and probably now some brain damage from all the drugs.

I understand a parent's love and never wanting to give up on their child HOWEVER they have 6 grandchildren AND another son that they have alienated by choosing to go after someone who has CHOSEN not to be found (he's not 'missing'). These grandparents did allow him to live with them for 1 1/2 years, letting him drink and do drugs the entire time (and would have allowed the kids to be hanging out in that environment if I allowed it).

I'm not even angry at my ex. I'm angry that the ILs would put the kids in a terrible situation if they find their son / kids' dad. We all went to therapy and the therapist told the kids that at this point there 'dad' is long gone and anyone who shows up who looks like him is NOT the dad they used to know when they were younger.

You probably should read about co-dependency and learning to let go of toxic people. You might check out Alanon.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Well my ex sent the kids a suicide email (to my email) a few years ago talking all about he took pills and he's going to die and never mentioned them - just talked all about himself and his long lost 'love' from HS. Totally inappropriate and I'm the one who spent 5 hours helping law enforcement find him (he was in a different state). The grandparents have spent over $650k putting him in rehabs that he leaves. - so he had the chance to continue therapy and take antidepressants and walked away from the opportunity...twice. I agree that there has to be mental illness - and probably now some brain damage from all the drugs.

I understand a parent's love and never wanting to give up on their child HOWEVER they have 6 grandchildren AND another son that they have alienated by choosing to go after someone who has CHOSEN not to be found (he's not 'missing'). These grandparents did allow him to live with them for 1 1/2 years, letting him drink and do drugs the entire time (and would have allowed the kids to be hanging out in that environment if I allowed it).

I'm not even angry at my ex. I'm angry that the ILs would put the kids in a terrible situation if they find their son / kids' dad. We all went to therapy and the therapist told the kids that at this point there 'dad' is long gone and anyone who shows up who looks like him is NOT the dad they used to know when they were younger.

You probably should read about co-dependency and learning to let go of toxic people. You might check out Alanon.

I'm glad that you are aware of Al Anon and have looked into such resources for you and your children.

Rather than supervised visitation, I think you should research therapeutic visitation. I think this would be a beneficial first step, if he seeks to come back into their lives. (It would also remove the issue of grandparents "supervising".)

 

[Just Blue]

No I am single (happily!)

I know I would need a court order to modify but is that possible? He's MIA - only way to be able to serve him is IF his parents do end up finding him and having him live at their house. Right now, it's fine with him MIA because there's very little chance of him showing up anyway. I'm just trying to get options / ducks in a row for IF his parents actually do find him. (so I can get supervised visitation if they plan on allowing him to see the kids - they are hiring a private investigator - they haven't told me any of this - my ex brother and sister in law did).

So don't send the children to visit with Gram and Gramps. Invite them to visit for a few days...

 

[LdiJ]

I'm glad that you are aware of Al Anon and have looked into such resources for you and your children.

Rather than supervised visitation, I think you should research therapeutic visitation. I think this would be a beneficial first step, if he seeks to come back into their lives. (It would also remove the issue of grandparents "supervising".)

And in case you do not know what therapeutic visitation is, it is visitation that takes place in a therapist's office, with the therapist helping the parent and children to deal with each other. Its similar to joint counseling.

 

[t74]

If he is threatening suicide, he is mentally ill not just an addict. Addiction is a chooice; mental illness is not. Addiction can be an attempt at self medication. A mentally ill person is far more difficult to deal with. Even getting the proper treatment for the various kinds is a challenge. If he has not been in contact with family and is not receiving treatment, he could be dead either from natural causes or suicide or by another's hand or from homelessness. If you think he is hurting the children now, it is nothing compared to what they will feel if they find out that he is dead and no one - including you - helped him. At least their grandparents are doing something.

You sound angry in your posts no matter how much you deny it. Anger comed from rejection and hate. Be frustrated; that comes from concern and love. Yes, his behavior brings out emotions in you; you get to choose which one. If you look at the resources for dealing with the mentally ill, you may be able to better help your children and yourself.

 

[Mambo123]

I'm glad that you are aware of Al Anon and have looked into such resources for you and your children.

Rather than supervised visitation, I think you should research therapeutic visitation. I think this would be a beneficial first step, if he seeks to come back into their lives. (It would also remove the issue of grandparents "supervising".)

I think that's a great idea! Thank you for this.

 

[Mambo123]

So don't send the children to visit with Gram and Gramps. Invite them to visit for a few days...

Yes, I definitely won't be allowing their usual visits. They come to visit every 2-3 months here anyway.

 

[Mambo123]

If he is threatening suicide, he is mentally ill not just an addict. Addiction is a chooice; mental illness is not. Addiction can be an attempt at self medication. A mentally ill person is far more difficult to deal with. Even getting the proper treatment for the various kinds is a challenge. If he has not been in contact with family and is not receiving treatment, he could be dead either from natural causes or suicide or by another's hand or from homelessness. If you think he is hurting the children now, it is nothing compared to what they will feel if they find out that he is dead and no one - including you - helped him. At least their grandparents are doing something.

You sound angry in your posts no matter how much you deny it. Anger comed from rejection and hate. Be frustrated; that comes from concern and love. Yes, his behavior brings out emotions in you; you get to choose which one. If you look at the resources for dealing with the mentally ill, you may be able to better help your children and yourself.

Thank you for your POV although your comments are completely generalized, which is to be expected in a general forum. (and if you read my previous posts you'd see I DID try to help him AND his parents sent him to rehab 3 times. Can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped or they'll take you down with them). And in this case, I call BS on mental illness but again, you don't know him or me.

 

[LdiJ]

If he is threatening suicide, he is mentally ill not just an addict. Addiction is a chooice; mental illness is not. Addiction can be an attempt at self medication. A mentally ill person is far more difficult to deal with. Even getting the proper treatment for the various kinds is a challenge. If he has not been in contact with family and is not receiving treatment, he could be dead either from natural causes or suicide or by another's hand or from homelessness. If you think he is hurting the children now, it is nothing compared to what they will feel if they find out that he is dead and no one - including you - helped him. At least their grandparents are doing something.

You sound angry in your posts no matter how much you deny it. Anger comed from rejection and hate. Be frustrated; that comes from concern and love. Yes, his behavior brings out emotions in you; you get to choose which one. If you look at the resources for dealing with the mentally ill, you may be able to better help your children and yourself.

Addiction is NOT a choice. Many people have developed addictions to prescription drugs after being given just one prescription by a doctor.

 

[t74]

Thank you for your POV although your comments are completely generalized, which is to be expected in a general forum. (and if you read my previous posts you'd see I DID try to help him AND his parents sent him to rehab 3 times. Can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped or they'll take you down with them). And in this case, I call BS on mental illness but again, you don't know him or me.

Mental illness is real and developes with age; serious mental illness generally appears in the late teens and in the 20s. I do know having a family member with serious mental illness which he self medicates with various additive behaviors. Some weeks, I am simply happy that he is alive for another day.

Please look at the mental health resources available from reputable sources like the NIMH, Mayo Clinic, etc. Rehab will not help if the underlying mental health issues are not addressed. It took over 15 years, including several hospitalizations for threatening suicide, to find a psychiatrist with the understanding of my family member's co-occurring conditions (some first presented as a toddler) and nearly 40 years of trials for various drugs before finding one that was effective at this time.

I sympathize/empathize with your situation. I recommend for your own mental health that you step back and take another look from a different perspective. Both you and the children will benefit. IMO, your legal strategies will change with your change in attitude toward your children's father. You should also be aware that there is a genetic component to mental illness so be aware of your children's mental health as they age; even though you are dismissive of any mental illness in your ex, be aware.