Complex situation regarding children not wanting to see their dad

[SpedTeacherVB]

Both my husband and I are in Virginia. We are separated and have a separation agreement that has been entered as a court order. I have primary physical custody of our 13 and 15 year old children. The relationship they have with their dad is strained but I work to encourage the relationship, while still acknowledging their feelings. He has "frequent and liberal" visitation so I make them visit with their dad, though on a few occasions they have refused. When this happens I encourage, in writing, their dad to work through whatever the issues are so they will go.
It is getting worse and we have been seperated over a year. He has been recovering from a stroke he had a year ago. He has recently been fired from his job. I found a letter, that was left out in the open when he had invited me into his home, stating that the reason he was fired was due to "paying for mail order bride, who appears to be a minor" while using company electronics. He also posted racist posts on his Facebook page, which my daughter saw, and is included in letter for reasons he is being fired. Also included in this letter is that he contacted a young man, a minor, trying to persuade him to his racist points of view. Also included in the letter were his sexual advances on an employee who was also his subordinate. My 13 year old son found this letter and read it while at his dad's house and shared with his sister.
Due to this, and the prior strains of their relationship, they do not wish to see him at all. I cannot afford to get help from a lawyer to revisit custody. I do not know if his company is investigating or pressing charges, because I am not privy to this information. I have not told their dad that I know about the letter, or that know about it. There is a history of regular use of pornography, possibly drinking to excess before picking up the kids to drive them (although I cannot prove it), and poor driving ability since having his stroke last year.
I am concerned about his ability to make decisions that are in the children's well-being and I feel like they are mature enough to see how their relationship is negatively impacting them. While I have continued to try to smooth things over so they can manage the visits, they are visibly stressed and unhappy with having to spend any time with him. I am at a loss for what to do with all of this information when I cannot afford a lawyer.

 

[cbg]

As long as there is a court order saying that they see dad, they see dad. It is not a court suggestion; it is a court order. The law does not give them the right to make the decision until they are each 18. If you believe that they should not have to see their father, then you will need to have the court order amended. You may not need an attorney for that - there are others here who can provide more info

 

[Just Blue]

Both my husband and I are in Virginia. We are separated and have a separation agreement that has been entered as a court order. I have primary physical custody of our 13 and 15 year old children. The relationship they have with their dad is strained but I work to encourage the relationship, while still acknowledging their feelings. He has "frequent and liberal" visitation so I make them visit with their dad, though on a few occasions they have refused. When this happens I encourage, in writing, their dad to work through whatever the issues are so they will go.
It is getting worse and we have been seperated over a year. He has been recovering from a stroke he had a year ago. He has recently been fired from his job. I found a letter, that was left out in the open when he had invited me into his home, stating that the reason he was fired was due to "paying for mail order bride, who appears to be a minor" while using company electronics. He also posted racist posts on his Facebook page, which my daughter saw, and is included in letter for reasons he is being fired. Also included in this letter is that he contacted a young man, a minor, trying to persuade him to his racist points of view. Also included in the letter were his sexual advances on an employee who was also his subordinate. My 13 year old son found this letter and read it while at his dad's house and shared with his sister.
Due to this, and the prior strains of their relationship, they do not wish to see him at all. I cannot afford to get help from a lawyer to revisit custody. I do not know if his company is investigating or pressing charges, because I am not privy to this information. I have not told their dad that I know about the letter, or that know about it. There is a history of regular use of pornography, possibly drinking to excess before picking up the kids to drive them (although I cannot prove it), and poor driving ability since having his stroke last year.
I am concerned about his ability to make decisions that are in the children's well-being and I feel like they are mature enough to see how their relationship is negatively impacting them. While I have continued to try to smooth things over so they can manage the visits, they are visibly stressed and unhappy with having to spend any time with him. I am at a loss for what to do with all of this information when I cannot afford a lawyer.

I am blown away by the fact that you and your children are reading someone's private correspondence. That's outrageous.

Is this behavior of your husbands new...ie..in the last year? Or did he behave this way pre-stroke as well?

 

[SpedTeacherVB]

As long as there is a court order saying that they see dad, they see dad. It is not a court suggestion; it is a court order. The law does not give them the right to make the decision until they are each 18. If you believe that they should not have to see their father, then you will need to have the court order amended. You may not need an attorney for that - there are others here who can provide more info

I agree and have continued to make them see him. Obviously I cannot physically force a teenager into a visit so on the rare occassions when they absolutely refused, I contacted him immediately so he could work through with them. To clarify my question, since their mental health and well-being is a top priority, and knowing that they are in a toxic situation with someone who is making dangerous choices, what would my next step be? It sounds like your suggestion is to amend the court order. Would I gather my evidence and take him to court myself, without a lawyer?

 

[SpedTeacherVB]

I am blown away by the fact that you and your children are reading someone's private correspondence. That's outrageous.

Is this behavior of your husbands new...ie..in the last year? Or did he behave this way pre-stroke as well?

He has made bad choices for a long time, thus the divorce. There were adult matters dealt with amongst ourselves and settled through the lawyers. I am more blown away by what the private correspondence revealed about the choices he is currently making. If the allegations from his company are found to be true, some of these actions occurred with minors. Illegal activities involving minors makes it my business when it comes to protecting our kids. He left the letter out, in plain sight, and my lawyer said I had a legal right to read it. I just can't afford to pay her to do anything about it. It is in the home I still own, I was invited in, and it is my children's home when they visit their dad. They saw it and asked me about it.
Whether or not I should have read the letter, I did and am aware of the choices he is making. If it is a result of the stroke, or not, then either way he may not be making good decisions where the children are concerned and supervised visits may be more appropriate. I believe his dangerous driving is due to the stroke.

 

[Just Blue]

He has made bad choices for a long time, thus the divorce. There were adult matters dealt with amongst ourselves and settled through the lawyers. I am more blown away by what the private correspondence revealed about the choices he is currently making. If the allegations from his company are found to be true, some of these actions occurred with minors. Illegal activities involving minors makes it my business when it comes to protecting our kids. He left the letter out, in plain sight, and my lawyer said I had a legal right to read it. I just can't afford to pay her to do anything about it. It is in the home I still own, I was invited in, and it is my children's home when they visit their dad. They saw it and asked me about it.
Whether or not I should have read the letter, I did and am aware of the choices he is making. If it is a result of the stroke, or not, then either way he may not be making good decisions where the children are concerned and supervised visits may be more appropriate. I believe his dangerous driving is due to the stroke.

Why do you think you had a "legal right" for you and your attorney to read his mail? What law grants you this "right"? Please post the statute/case law with a link.

ETA: I'm not trying to bust your chops...I have never heard of a "legal right" to read someone's mail just because it's in a home I own but am not living in.

 

[SpedTeacherVB]

Why do you think you had a "legal right" for you and your attorney to read his mail? What law grants you this "right"? Please post the statute/case law with a link.

With all due respect, why is this your sticking point more than the safety of our children? I am not a lawyer. I am a mother. That is why I asked for legal advice. If he left matches where children could light them, even though they shouldn't have, he would be negligent. He left this out where his children could read it. They did. If I was wrong to read it, then I was wrong. The bigger issue is my chidlren's safety.

 

[Just Blue]

With all due respect, why is this your sticking point more than the safety of our children? I am not a lawyer. I am a mother. That is why I asked for legal advice. If he left matches where children could light them, even though they shouldn't have, he would be negligent. He left this out where his children could read it. They did. If I was wrong to read it, then I was wrong. The bigger issue is my chidlren's safety.

Take your proof and file for a modification of custody. Are the children in therapy?

 

[SpedTeacherVB]

Take your proof and file for a modification of custody. Are the children in therapy?

They are. Their therapist called CPS based on what they told her a few months ago. I do not sit in their sessions so i am not part of those conversations. I allow them to share with me whatever they want but also let them have thier privacy with their therapist. They have not seen her since this recent discovery.

 

[Zigner]

Well, since you can't use the letter as proof of anything, and there's no way you'd suck your kids in to court to testify (right?), not to mention that all the letter seemed to contain was unproven allegations, you're kind of out of luck with the letter.

 

[Eekamouse]

With all due respect, why is this your sticking point more than the safety of our children? I am not a lawyer. I am a mother. That is why I asked for legal advice. If he left matches where children could light them, even though they shouldn't have, he would be negligent. He left this out where his children could read it. They did. If I was wrong to read it, then I was wrong. The bigger issue is my chidlren's safety.

These are not toddlers. They are teenagers who have no business reading their father's (or their mother's) personal correspondence. How do you think they'd like it if you or your ex went through their stuff and read their diaries or texts on their phones or what have you?

 

[not2cleverRed]

These are not toddlers. They are teenagers who have no business reading their father's (or their mother's) personal correspondence. How do you think they'd like it if you or your ex went through their stuff and read their diaries or texts on their phones or what have you?

If people leave their personal correspondence "in plain sight" - say, on the dining room table, or on the fridge, that's not exactly snooping.

 

[Just Blue]

If people leave their personal correspondence "in plain sight" - say, on the dining room table, or on the fridge, that's not exactly snooping.

I gotta disagree with you on this one. With all the crap my ex did...he would NEVER have read my mail. Even if I left it out on the coffee table, table in the entry, lying on his flippin pillow he wouldn't have gotten past "Dear Ms. Blue"...before he stopped reading.

 

[LdiJ]

The court orders say that dad has frequent and liberal visitation with the children. That does not impose any kind of particular schedule, it just means frequent and liberal. It doesn't have to be overnights. It doesn't have to be in a manner that makes the children uncomfortable or feel unsafe.

 

[SpedTeacherVB]

The court orders say that dad has frequent and liberal visitation with the children. That does not impose any kind of particular schedule, it just means frequent and liberal. It doesn't have to be overnights. It doesn't have to be in a manner that makes the children uncomfortable or feel unsafe.

That is how we have managed it thus far. It gets sticky sometimes, but we have managed. They do not and have not spent the night with him in over a year. Unfortunately, the older they get and the more their opinion of their dad deteriorates, and concerns about their safety increase, it gets harder to force them to go. It seems the only way THEY feel comfortable and safe is when it is supervised (at a friends house or if he has a friend around when they visit). I would prefer supervised visits until they were 18 and can choose to see him on their own or choose not to see him at all.