Complex situation regarding children not wanting to see their dad

[PayrollHRGuy]

I thought I needed proof before I called the police? I would never want to call in a frivolous report.

If you saw a car driving down the street swerving from one side of the street to the other do you think it would be up to you to stop the car and test the driver before you called the police?

 

[stealth2]

lived with a person with cognitive difficulties due to stroke, severe mental illness or age-related dementia,

I'll take two of those x2 for $1000, Alex.

 

[LdiJ]

The improvement in a person's cognitive function with mental rehab followin a stroke can be amazing. TO see someone who could barely speak go to playing trivia and doing crossword and logic puzzles is truly amazing. If you have not lived with a person with cognitive difficulties due to stroke, sever mental illness or age related dementia, you have not been challanged to do the "right" thing even when they take out their frustrations on you in not the nicest ways.

I have experienced the same with close family members. Again, I would never train young teens to believe that they were responsible for caring for someone. Train them to be sympathetic yes, train them that they are responsible to care for them, absolutely not.

 

[Eekamouse]

I have experienced the same with close family members. Again, I would never train young teens to believe that they were responsible for caring for someone. Train them to be sympathetic yes, train them that they are responsible to care for them, absolutely not.

Wow. Who cared for these children when they couldn't do for themselves? The parents. Why is it so horrible to think the children may one day be in the position to care for their parent when it's needed? The world is truly going down the toilet when the very thought is so ardently opposed. It's called being a family and being a family is not always fun.

 

[LdiJ]

Wow. Who cared for these children when they couldn't do for themselves? The parents. Why is it so horrible to think the children may one day be in the position to care for their parent when it's needed? The world is truly going down the toilet when the very thought is so ardently opposed. It's called being a family and being a family is not always fun.

Again, I am sorry but young teenagers should not have the burden placed upon them. That is the burden of the adults in the family. Yes, 20-30 years from now they may end up taking on that responsibility, but messing with their childhood and young adult lives by making them believe that they must take on that responsibility is completely wrong in my book.

 

[torimac]

Blood does not make a family. If a parent is abusive to a child, they are not under obligation to care for them in their twilight years just because that parent cared for them while they were a child. The parent has a choice about having children; the children do not have a choice about parents. Maybe parents should not be abusive if they expect others to care for them.

 

[SpedTeacherVB]

Raising children in a home with a very strained relationship with their dad, to seperating and having them to maneuver their difficult relationship with their dad during visitation, to experiencing life with a difficult dad who has now spent a year recovering from a stroke has all been treacherous for them. They are mature, caring teens who have received regular counseling and emotional support to continue to make the best possible situation out of the cards they have been dealt. This being said, rather than go through an expensive and emotional court proceeding I have decided to meet with their dad today. I will share all their concerns, feedback and give him an oppurtunity to make the situation right with them. This will allow him to choose whether or not to accept responsibility for his part in creating this mess. If he chooses not to, then I know I will have done what I could. I am taking resources for him for counseling for himself, stroke support groups, and will tell him honestly what the kids have shared with me so he can make it right or not. As far as the kids caring for him, they show empathy but I was their primary caretaker and have provided stability and safety he has not. I am not sure it is reasonable to expect them to return to him what he did not ever provide for them. When they are adults, they can choose for themselves what they want to give or not give him.
Thank you for the feedback, this is all so overwhelming as we all do the best we can in these tricky situations.

 

[SpedTeacherVB]

Blood does not make a family. If a parent is abusive to a child, they are not under obligation to care for them in their twilight years just because that parent cared for them while they were a child. The parent has a choice about having children; the children do not have a choice about parents. Maybe parents should not be abusive if they expect others to care for them.

Yes. This.

 

[SpedTeacherVB]

If you saw a car driving down the street swerving from one side of the street to the other do you think it would be up to you to stop the car and test the driver before you called the police?

I agree completely. I had read though that if you make a call to police, and they find that nothing was wrong, it can be seen as making frivolous accusations. I just don't ever want to do more harm then good and sometimes its a tough call. I have told them if they suspect he has been drinking to let me know immediately so I can intervene...I just wasn't sure if that should be by calling the police. You make a good point, though!

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

I agree completely. I had read though that if you make a call to police, and they find that nothing was wrong, it can be seen as making frivolous accusations. I just don't ever want to do more harm then good and sometimes its a tough call. I have told them if they suspect he has been drinking to let me know immediately so I can intervene...I just wasn't sure if that should be by calling the police. You make a good point, though!

Driving while drunk is a crime. You report crimes to the police.

Drunk at home is not a crime. If you think your ex is drunk while he is keeping the kids and that that puts the kids in danger you head back to court.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Again, I am sorry but young teenagers should not have the burden placed upon them. That is the burden of the adults in the family. Yes, 20-30 years from now they may end up taking on that responsibility, but messing with their childhood and young adult lives by making them believe that they must take on that responsibility is completely wrong in my book.

We are not in a perfect world.

It is not unreasonable to suggest that families pull together and help one another - a consistent theme in t74's posts.

Sometimes t74 takes it too far - because not everyone can get along, and sometimes the reason you are having difficulty with another party is that they are unreasonably difficult.

However, trying to instill compassion in young teenagers, and informing them of the harsh realities of life is not a disservice. Insulating them too much from the information about what will be their inevitable lot is certainly not better.

Would you spare a young teenager the burden of knowing that their mom has cancer? What about early onset Parkinson's - should a parent just hide the knowledge of that diagnosis from their young teenager, and just stoically accept the teenager mocking their parent's symptoms?

 

[LdiJ]

We are not in a perfect world.

It is not unreasonable to suggest that families pull together and help one another - a consistent theme in t74's posts.

Sometimes t74 takes it too far - because not everyone can get along, and sometimes the reason you are having difficulty with another party is that they are unreasonably difficult.

However, trying to instill compassion in young teenagers, and informing them of the harsh realities of life is not a disservice. Insulating them too much from the information about what will be their inevitable lot is certainly not better.

Would you spare a young teenager the burden of knowing that their mom has cancer? What about early onset Parkinson's - should a parent just hide the knowledge of that diagnosis from their young teenager, and just stoically accept the teenager mocking their parent's symptoms?

I was very clear what I was talking about. I said it twice. Teach them to have sympathy and compassion absolutely. Training them that they are responsible for caring for that person is placing a totally unfair burden on a young teenager. That is where I thought that t74 was out of line.

Everything that you said in this post was about sympathy and compassion, none of it was about what I felt was wrong.