I've been a proponent of simplified plain English contracts for decades. When I had my rentals my lease was one page, readable type, covered the basics and I relied on statutory rights and obligations.
20 years ago I bought a house that was for sale by owner. I took the standard real estate contract and cut it down to 3 pages. Worked out fine. (I know, unauthorized practice of law, slap the cuffs on me. LOL)
My current house I bought through the seller's agent. The contract was 10 pages.
And I'll be the first to admit that the insurance industry is one of the worst offenders when it comes to complicated contracts. The HO-3 Homeowners policy is 24 pages. To that add numerous endorsements modifying or enhancing the policy based on optional coverage and individual state requirement. It's hardly surprising that the insurance consumer rarely reads it. With that in mind I present the Plain English Homeowners Policy. This one is obviously a joke but it does illustrate that there is plenty of stuff in an insurance policy that can be simplified.
PLAIN ENGLISH HOMEOWNERS POLICY
For a period of ___year(s) ending promptly at midnight, Standard time on ________________
Property Location:____________________________________________________________
AMOUNT OF INSURANCE YOU BOUGHT: $___________________ BLANKET ON YOUR HOUSE, ALL THE ACCUMULATED FURNITURE AND STUFF INSIDE YOUR HOUSE, YOUR GARAGE (the one where you park your car, not Al's Body Shop) AND ANY OTHER SMALL BUILDING ON THE LOT, AND WHAT IT COSTS EXTRA TO LIVE WHEN YOUR HOUSE IS BURNED DOWN OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS, FOR SO LONG AS WE SAY IT'S OK.
WE ALSO WILL DEFEND YOU IN COURT IF SOMEBODY MAKES A CLAIM AGAINST YOU, OR PAY THE DAMAGES, AND WE'LL PAY THE MEDICAL BILLS OF SOME PEOPLE WHO GET HURT ACCIDENTALLY AT YOUR PLACE, OR SOME OTHER PLACE.
(We could spell it all out in detail, but you wouldn't understand one word of it anyway. We had to hire ten lawyers just to figure this out after we wrote it!)
CONDITIONS:
1. If anything happens and it looks like it's going to cost you money, call us right away and we'll tell you if we're apt to pay for it.
2. Our agent has already told you this is the new "all risk" policy, but even he doesn't know what he's selling, so if you have any questions, call or write to us, not some insurance salesman.
3. Don't lie to us about what happened or how much something cost or how new it is or how it never leaked before. If you try to snow us, we'll not only cancel this policy so fast it'll make your head swim, we'll pass the word around and you won't ever be able to get an insurance policy again short of the Hong Kong Mutual. There are so many regulations, and an Insurance Commissioner who thinks he's king, that we can't lie to you. So don't you give us any song and dance or we'll land on you hard.
4. Replacement Cost: forget it. You don't need it. We'll pay what we say is fair with or without any "Replacement Cost coverage," and we don't care what your neighbor's policy has on it.
5. The "AMOUNT OF INSURANCE YOU BOUGHT" listed above is the absolute cost we will pay no matter what your house and other stuff is worth or however many people sue you for any one accident, so you'd better be sure you have bought enough to cover the worst disaster that you can imagine. Don't depend on our agent for this! If he had any imagination, he'd find an honest occupation.
6. Don't bother us with a lot of questions about what is and isn't covered by this insurance. We'll tell you when you need to know. If we told you now you'd forget it in an hour, if you ever understood it in the first place.
7. YOUR DUTIES: (1) Pay the premium, and (2) call us right away when you think something's happened (don't try to analyze it, just call in.) That's all you gotta do. Don't try to get cute; see (3) above, in case you have forgotten already (which doesn't surprise us.)
8. If we think of any additional conditions, we'll let you know. By the way, if what happens involves a vehicle, airplane or boat or has to do with your job, forget it; don't call us; we don’t cover it.
