Child visitation/well-being

[zaharY]

What is the name of your state? - California
We were married for 12 years. 5 years ago our child was born. Last year my husband made caming out and decided to become a woman. We divorced and with mediator it was decided that child will be 9 days with me and 5 days with "her". Time passes, I see my child is not thriving. She is very stressed and can't really adjust to fast changing life. She says every day that she doesn't want to go to "other house", she is very bored there and she wants to stay with me. I see her suffering and it's big pain for both of us. What can I do?

 

[CdwJava]

Is visitation covered by a court order? If so, you MUST abide by the order or you risk repercussions.

If the child's "suffering" is genuine, you may have to return to court and see if it is possible for a psychologist to evaluate your child. Much of the time, however, the courts are going to see such things as the machinations of the aggrieved parent and may not take the claims seriously. If you have an attorney, I would strongly suggest you consult them. This is probably not an avenue you want travel along without professional guidance.

Until the order is modified, you will be expected to abide by it - even if that means your daughter is unhappy. Sorry.

 

[t74]

Your child can be in counseling without a court order. Please be proactive and look for one with experience with this situation. You would likely benefit as well.

 

[stealth2]

Last year my husband made caming out and decided to become a woman.

I know there will be those who disagree, however... your ex-husband did not "decide" to become a woman - she decided to live as her true self. You may want to consider counseling for yourself (with a therapist who is an ally) to help you understand your ex and to help your child see her other parent for the person she is, a person who helped create her and has much more to offer your (joint) child than the parts that make you uncomfortable.

And, please, to not allow yourself to fall into the trap of believing that transgender people are more likely to molest children. The truth is, they are more likely to be abused themselves. Living while trans* is not a particularly safe occupation.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? - California
We were married for 12 years. 5 years ago our child was born. Last year my husband made caming out and decided to become a woman. We divorced and with mediator it was decided that child will be 9 days with me and 5 days with "her". Time passes, I see my child is not thriving. She is very stressed and can't really adjust to fast changing life. She says every day that she doesn't want to go to "other house", she is very bored there and she wants to stay with me. I see her suffering and it's big pain for both of us. What can I do?

Take your child to counseling. Divorce is difficult enough for children but this must be REALLY confusing for the child.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state? - California
We were married for 12 years. 5 years ago our child was born. Last year my husband made caming out and decided to become a woman. We divorced and with mediator it was decided that child will be 9 days with me and 5 days with "her". Time passes, I see my child is not thriving. She is very stressed and can't really adjust to fast changing life. She says every day that she doesn't want to go to "other house", she is very bored there and she wants to stay with me. I see her suffering and it's big pain for both of us. What can I do?

You are rude. Get counseling. Get your child counseling. She is a her. You are a bigot.

 

[t74]

OG, I am sorry, but I do not find OP to be rude or a bigot. It must be very difficult to find out that you did not know your partner in a relatively, by today's standards, long term marriage with a child. I do not know how you explain to a child of 4 that the person who was her father is now her other mother. OP has every right to be concerned as to how the situation should be handled. I did not get the impression that she believed here ex to be a danger to their shared child just that the child was understandable confused and uncomfortable with the situation. This situation is not the same as a child of a gay couple which is less confusing; it is difficult enough to explain to a child when their uncles have a child when neither ever had a big belly.

Years ago gender did more to establish a person's role in society - job options, home responsibilities, ... One was seen as "odd" to choose the option generally associated with the other gender. It was much more difficult to choose a career that "belonged" to the other gender (doctors=male, nurses=female, ...) or dress or have an appearance in a style more often associated with the other sex (pants on females, long hair on males) (Fifty plus years ago, I was the only woman in the graduating class with a degree associated with men so I can definitely speak to this.) Today, this is not the case. I wonder what prompted the sudden change; I would not have expected someone with the feelings so strong as to change genders to have either a long term relationship or a child .

Since this is a relatively new phenomena, I wonder what studies have been done on the long term effects on the children. You evidently have had clients in this situation. What is your experience with the children?

 

[stealth2]

I, too, did not find OP to be rude or bigoted, but perhaps ignorant of her ex's reality. Without exposure, it isn't something that many really think about, beyond "huh." or "weird." And, as with most things/experiences/people - that which is "different" is frightening/upsetting. It doesn't have to be. Depending on where in CA you are, OP, you should not find it difficult to find support groups and/or therapists for people in your situation. I'm sure there are also support-type groups on Facebook, and you may find PFLAG a resource. Any PRIDE group, really.

I wonder what prompted the sudden change; I would not have expected someone with the feelings so strong as to change genders to have either a long term relationship or a child .

It really isn't that odd, t. Just as being homosexual is no longer the taboo it used to be, visibility and acceptance of trans* and other non-binary gender identification has increased. With that, people identifying as trans*, etc. feel safer to come out. For many individuals, families and cultures, conforming to a cis-gender identity is safer - mentally, emotionally, physically. There is often great pressure on men, in particular, to follow the norm - date girls, marry, have a family. I can only imagine the stress that places one under. There comes a point where that has to give.

I hope OP - for her sake AND her child's - is willing and able to get help towards a road of acceptance. Her ex is really the same person she married - just in a different wrapping.

 

[Ohiogal]

OP is a bigot to refer to her ex as "her" in quotation marks. Her ex is a woman. She doesn't seem to have taken the time to educate herself on the actuality of the world or her child's world. She needs counseling and education. She may very well be damaging her child at this point. She needs to stop with her narrow minded thinking.

 

[Ohiogal]

OG, I am sorry, but I do not find OP to be rude or a bigot. It must be very difficult to find out that you did not know your partner in a relatively, by today's standards, long term marriage with a child. I do not know how you explain to a child of 4 that the person who was her father is now her other mother. OP has every right to be concerned as to how the situation should be handled. I did not get the impression that she believed here ex to be a danger to their shared child just that the child was understandable confused and uncomfortable with the situation. This situation is not the same as a child of a gay couple which is less confusing; it is difficult enough to explain to a child when their uncles have a child when neither ever had a big belly.

Years ago gender did more to establish a person's role in society - job options, home responsibilities, ... One was seen as "odd" to choose the option generally associated with the other gender. It was much more difficult to choose a career that "belonged" to the other gender (doctors=male, nurses=female, ...) or dress or have an appearance in a style more often associated with the other sex (pants on females, long hair on males) (Fifty plus years ago, I was the only woman in the graduating class with a degree associated with men so I can definitely speak to this.) Today, this is not the case. I wonder what prompted the sudden change; I would not have expected someone with the feelings so strong as to change genders to have either a long term relationship or a child .

Since this is a relatively new phenomena, I wonder what studies have been done on the long term effects on the children. You evidently have had clients in this situation. What is your experience with the children?

The children haven't had issues provided the parents are not moronic bigots who refuse to deal with reality and instead take a road of blaming for the ex for the issues. That is fact. OP needs counseling. It must be very difficult. HOWEVER, OP is making the choice to degrade her ex by using quotation marks around the ex's gender and blaming that on her child's problems. In reality, she needs to understand that she is contributing to her child's problems with her attitude. Hence why I believe she is bigoted. She is rude because of how she dismisses her ex: "and 5 days with "her". "

That person is part of her child. She also says it's a big pain for her and her child without realizing her ex is most likely hurting as well. But what does she care? She hasn't done anything to help the child but she wants to seemingly get rid of the ex permanently as apparently she is the cause of all the problems.

I stand by my comments. Her and the child both need counseling. And she needs to stop being a bigot and become educated.

 

[stealth2]

I really think it's lack of education on the topic., rather than bigotry. A lot of people don't understand just how important the pronouns are to a trans* person. Dead-naming is even worse. And it takes *time* to get in the habit. Heck, #1's been out for nearly 10 years, and I still sometimes screw it up. Luckily, #1 goes easy on me as it's usually on the heels of talking to Mom (who gets a pass on pronouns/dead-naming due to her age & Alz...).

OP - I would suggest you talk to your ex, about a few things. First - what pronouns she prefers (some trans women prefer she/her, and others prefer the neutral they/them), what name she would like you to call her, and what name she would like your daughter to call her. Maybe offer some Facetime calls while kiddo is with you to help her ease into your ex's new normal. If there were any routines between them prior to the divorce, this might be a good time to bring them back into play. If ex did bedtime stories, that can still happen. If it was bathtime, maybe switch to bedtime stories. Try to keep things as normal as possible for her.

And yes, therapy for kiddo, too. She's certainly old enough for play therapy.

 

[stealth2]

Time passes, I see my child is not thriving. She is very stressed and can't really adjust to fast changing life. She says every day that she doesn't want to go to "other house", she is very bored there and she wants to stay with me. I see her suffering and it's big pain for both of us. What can I do?

Rereading however, I'm not really seeing that the child's stress is from her other parent's gender transition. Rather, it seems much like one would expect in terms of adjusting to her parents splitting up. My two were 4 & 6 when their Dad & I divorced, and I frequently heard "I'm bored" at the other house. I helped them come up with ideas to entertain themselves - they could bring some books, drawing supplies, etc. And, if that didn't satisfy, I suggested that Dad might need help with: folding laundry, cleaning up their rooms, etc. That derailed the boredom train right quick!

Of course, these days most anywhere can be boring, being stuck at home...

 

[t74]

The children haven't had issues provided the parents are not moronic bigots who refuse to deal with reality and instead take a road of blaming for the ex for the issues. That is fact. OP needs counseling. It must be very difficult. HOWEVER, OP is making the choice to degrade her ex by using quotation marks around the ex's gender and blaming that on her child's problems. In reality, she needs to understand that she is contributing to her child's problems with her attitude. Hence why I believe she is bigoted. She is rude because of how she dismisses her ex: "and 5 days with "her". "

That person is part of her child. She also says it's a big pain for her and her child without realizing her ex is most likely hurting as well. But what does she care? She hasn't done anything to help the child but she wants to seemingly get rid of the ex permanently as apparently she is the cause of all the problems.

I stand by my comments. Her and the child both need counseling. And she needs to stop being a bigot and become educated.

I said this previously.

I wonder if the ex had counseling prior to the decision to change and what he did to prepare his wife and child for his announcement to the world. I do not see OP as evil but justifiably hurt and confused. I have also read recently that many/some regret their decision. I think too little is known about the long term (adult behavior and lifestyle) of the children related to the age at which their parent transitioned.