Ex not following 3 things in divorce, but I'm very concerned about oldest daughters safety

[Rn2761939]

But what actual, admissible proof do you have?

I don't have any proofs of the threats. But I saved all the texts of him sexually making comments and me asking him to stop before I blocked him.
I felt I shouldn't block him for a long time bc I worried with my daughter over there I needed to communicate. But the harrassment started affecting me so I just finally blocked him

 

[Zigner]

I don't have any proofs of the threats. But I saved all the texts of him sexually making comments and me asking him to stop before I blocked him.
I felt I shouldn't block him for a long time bc I worried with my daughter over there I needed to communicate. But the harrassment started affecting me so I just finally blocked him

I suggest that you utilize some sort of service that serves as an intermediary for communications. One example is Our Family Wizard and another is Talking Parents (not an endorsement for either, just examples). If the ex is not agreeable, you can ask that the court order it.

 

[t74]

I am concerned about your eldest's self destructive behaviors that you describe - in particular her BF sleeping over. A teen pregnancy would affect her life forever. I suggest you seek out additional community resources in dealing with difficult teens as well as seek legal assistance. You should contact her school counselor/social worker for recommendations to community agencies/programs. In addition to providing services, they are likely mandated reporters; their observations of problems involving dad would support you assertions regarding the situation in his home.

 

[Eekamouse]

I think that's a great idea. I have attended a few online (ones in our area are online only bc covid) and I can get my youngest to attend. My oldest will need to be here with me to attend but I'm going to see if her therapist will also continue to bring that up. She 100% enables him.
After he went to rehab she admitted to me that he was pretty bad, the house never had food, he never cleaned anything, ect... but she feels like she needs to stay with him in case he falls and hits his head and stuff. Breaks my heart.

What's wrong with your daughter cleaning the apartment if she lives there with him? She's not a little kid.

 

[stealth2]

I have several voicemails of him drunk asking me to come get our daughter bc he feels violent.
I have texts from him admitting he's drinking, I have texts from our daughter saying he's drunk.
I've kept a calendar of each and every time something like this has happened in the last couple months bc I'm so worried and thought it could be helpful.
I was able to get some photos of beer in his fridge, holes punched in his wall when I picked my daughter up.

At the very least he's not complying with the judges order of no drinking while you have the child(ren). And pay 50% of braces, I'd think.

Voicemail & texts may or may not be admissible. Both can easily be altered. Photos of beer in his fridge? Doesn't mean he's drinking them. Holes in the wall do not explain how/when they got there.

A better action would be to ask the police to do a welfare check when you get these calls, mentioning that he is not to be drinking when the girls are there, per court order.

The court will take a dim view of having either of your daughters testify against their father.

Also, if the 13 yo is not going and he wants her to? You could be found in contempt, yourself.

 

[Rn2761939]

But what actual, admissible proof do you have?

I've got voicemails from him obviously drunk asking me to come get our daughter bc he's violent. I have texts from her saying he cant pick her up from work bc he's drunk, or he's fighting with her bc he's drunk. I have texts from him stating he started drinking daily again.
I have her and him both admitting there's no food in the house & he's "broke"

 

[Rn2761939]

What's wrong with your daughter cleaning the apartment if she lives there with him? She's not a little kid.

She should clean, I agree but with him drunk all the time he makes zero rules. It's just crazy.

 

[Rn2761939]

Voicemail & texts may or may not be admissible. Both can easily be altered. Photos of beer in his fridge? Doesn't mean he's drinking them. Holes in the wall do not explain how/when they got there.

A better action would be to ask the police to do a welfare check when you get these calls, mentioning that he is not to be drinking when the girls are there, per court order.

The court will take a dim view of having either of your daughters testify against their father.

Also, if the 13 yo is not going and he wants her to? You could be found in contempt, yourself.

He doesn't care if she does or not. She gives him hell for buying beer vs food, so he don't like get coming over.

 

[stealth2]

Honestly? At this point, you should consult with a lawyer.

 

[commentator]

Honestly? At this point, you should consult with a lawyer.

Excellent idea. Because, at this point, at this time, with the COVID-19 situation as it is, all the nice ideas about "attend Al-Anon" and "seek more counseling through the child's school" etc. are not there. Things are upended. It sounds like your ex had some sort of melt down reaction to being at home, sitting there drinking and such. And now he's got this new woman in his life. Rehab relationships are good only as long as the parties have common interests, which means that this lovely person probably needed a place to stay, they've both decided to throw sobriety to the wind.

You need to speak with an attorney. Use their counsel. At present, it sounds to me like you do not need to be having ANY contact with your ex, unless through something formal, like what was mentioned, a family wizard. Block him otherwise. In a court situation reporting your husband's supposed poor behavior, pictures of beer and texts and emails aren't any use. You have to be around him and talk to him too much to get them. It's enabling bad behavior.

Your daughter surely could benefit from some good counseling, if it was available to her at present, though most is currently on line. She is going to have to accept that at the present, any contact with her father in his present state is by her choice, (so that she can do all the nice things like sleep with her boyfriend) and you aren't going to just run over and pick her up if they fight and she then wants to not be there anymore. It sounds, frankly like she is playing you both to the hilt. "Daddy I luuuvv you and am going to take care of you...." and "Momma, come get me, he's drinking!' Drama plus. And between the two of you, also. The way to avoid having his girlfriend beat you up is NOT to go over there and pick up your daughter every time she feels threatened. By not letting him come into your home, not letting the girlfriend come in. Call the police, but don't go over there and try to fix things yourself.

As you were advised, you can get the situation explored of who was supposed to cliam the children on the stimulus by filing your own non filing status request for the pandemic money, but that's not going to happen anytime soon. Likewise, immediate money for braces, not so much. When will your daughter be 18? As we have said, then you lose all control, in actuality, have pretty much lost it already. But what you can do is control whether you enable HER in this situation. Counseling and guidance for you on line would be wonderful. Someone in this mess needs to be the adult, and it doesn't sound like there's another candidate.

 

[LdiJ]

I'm a bit confused here. You have been divorced for ~15 years, yet the younger child is 13?

If you want Dad's parenting time supervised, you need to prove why it is necessary. Even more so to remove any parenting time. What proof do you have of his behavior? Have you instructed the child(ren) to call 911 if Dad is drunk or high? That would be more productive than calling you to pick one or both up.

ETA: If you're not filing taxes, it really isn't unreasonable for him to do so. IMO

I agree, if she cannot make use of claiming the child it is totally reasonable for dad to do so. Any family law judge would agree. However, if the child does not primarily live with him (the younger child) then claiming EIC for that child was EIC fraud.

 

[Ohiogal]

The divorce date if 05 should've been 2015. My error, I fixed that.
Although I do have full physical custody about 2 years ago my oldest daughter preferred to stay at his house, i didn't mind BUT there was no drinking or drugs that i was aware of.

Ok, the divorce date should be 2015, not 2005. I fixed that.

Yes I have an internal pain pump and I'm disabled but I'm not decrepit. I am able to take care of my children, pets, and myself. It's just I have some health issues that enable me from working.
My concern was if this female tried to physically hurt me, i could easily be injured badly.

So to clarify, 2 years ago our oldest stated asking to stay at her dad's apartment (2 blocks away) more and more. He didn't mind, I didn't mind. At that time there was not any daily drinking or any drug abuse that anyone is aware of.
This year, in February my daughter asked me to pick her up a couple nights bc he was drunk. Which i did, they were arguing and I could tell he was drinking. I kind of thought it was a couple isolated events. I did talk to him about it. I actually told our 17 year old that I preferred her to stay with me but she refused. In fact, she was mean about it. I didn't understand why at that point.
Fast forward to April, he stated texting & calling me and would go to sexual subjects. He would come right out and ask for sex, offer me money for sex, ect.. . That's when I figured he was drinking regularly. He was off work due to covid, so he treated this like 1 long weekend to party alone I guess. The oldest daughter would stay with me more and with friends alot (no school) & i tried to talk my ex into rehab. I ended up having to block his number due to the harassing stuff.
Then beginning of may i got 5 calls from my daughters phone (I was in the shower) but it was my ex, very drunk stating he was feeling violent and I needed to come get our daughter. I immediately went there & got her. I heard him yelling at her saying to take all her belongings to move with me bc he hated her bc he hates me. Very sad situation.
I told her as we walked out if he wanted to ho into a rehab to call me, otherwise don't. Next morning he called our daughters phone, asked for me, asked if I'd take him to inpatient rehab. I did.
He stayed there 45 days total. 10 days in detox (where he met this female) then 35 days in rehab, he signed out early, they wanted him to stay another couple weeks as they were concerned with his behaviors with said female.

I unblocked his number bc in rehab he seemed to do very well. When he got home I didn't want our daughter over there yet, but she was anxious to get back. You see he doesn't have any rules there. Her boyfriend can stay the night in her bed, ect... here I have a curfew, no boy in the bedroom, ect.... when I tried to demand she stay here & she went there anyways I called the police and showed I had full physical custody and they said I have to deal with the courts & that bc she's over 16 no matter where she runs away to they won't force her home. *unless she's in danger*
A few days after he was home he started with the sexual texts again and I confronted him, he admitted he was drinking again and had been immediately after getting home.
The female has been there multiple times and I've seen her look very high, unable to open her eyes. I've been clear, I don't want the children around her. When I told my ex he was forcing my hand to take matters to court, he threatened me saying "do whatever you want. I've always ended up making you sorry somehow. I won't put my hands on you but I have a nice lady here who will " since then I've been scared for my car, to walk my dog,ect... I carry my mase.

Our youngest refuses to go to his house since may 2019 bc he treats her so poorly and she was only going every other weekend and she said he'd drink a beer. I don't believe he was getting drunk, but he's ordered not to drink at all. So I guess I should've done this back then. I was hoping he'd listen and put the kids first.

So you went to get him for contempt when you are in contempt for the youngest not going to see him. YOu have issues. Do you drink alcohol around the children at all? You need to talk to an attorney.

 

[Rn2761939]

So you went to get him for contempt when you are in contempt for the youngest not going to see him. YOu have issues. Do you drink alcohol around the children at all? You need to talk to an attorney.

No, I'm not a drinker. When you're married to an alcoholic you hate alcohol.
The youngest told her dad she didn't want to be there & he said it's up to her, he don't even call or text her anymore

 

[commentator]

Really, I think you are going to have to start treating your seventeen year old as if she was making the choices, which she is. And her choices right now aren't as good as the ones your 13 year old is making. It sounds like informally you have the latitude to either have visitation or not. But even though your husband doesn't seem to care, you're really vulnerable in any court actions if you are not following your visitation orders either. Since he is doing so poorly, in such a bad situation, it is a good thing that he's not insisting on visitation just to be a problem to you, but remember, legally he certainly could. It sounds as though drinking and drugging has become his first priority. You can't control that.

But with your older daughter, you must take a firm stand. You aren't going to have further contact with your ex at the present. If she elects to do her visitation with him, stay pretty much full time at his house, which doesn't sound very far from your house, btw, she could walk away, when she gets frightened and is having problems with her dad, she is not to call you to come rescue her. Remember, being there is her choice. Under the present circumstances, you really don't have the means and power to demand that because she is there, he is not allowed to drink. In his present state, that's kind of like trying to stop him from breathing or eating. She can call the police, she can find a way home, or she can stay home when she knows her father will be there drinking.

If your ex stops paying support, eventually you may have to take him back to court, but that wouldn't be my first move in fixing this situation. If he ups the level of harrassment when you are not going around and having contact, then an order of protection might be in order. But I have a feeling this is a situation where backing away may be the most productive thing for you right now. You cannot make him do or be or change

Good counsel for you, from an on line counselor perhaps, could help you solidify your responses and help you decide how to deal with your family. As we've said, even though you are not a drinker, you are in an alcoholic substance abusive relationship with the father of your children. I do very much understand and sympathize with you. Al-anon would be a good place to start. Where your husband did his rehab may be able to give you a referral to a group on line or a counselor for families.