Pursuing truth

[someguy100]

Hello,

I live in New York. The other state this involves is North Carolina. Approx. 12 years ago my girlfriend left me and moved away to be with someone she found online. I later found that she gave birth about 8-12 months after moving. I have been losing sleep over if this child is mine or not for a while now and am scared to try to figure out if she is.

My concerns are:

1. How do I go about getting a DNA test if mom is very against it and has asked me not to contact her after originally asking her if the child was mine.
2. Consequences of knowing the truth. I too have moved on since this relationship ended, with a wife and 4 daughters of my own. I am worried that if the child is mine she is too old to want to build a relationship with me and I will be stuck with child support payments.

This is my first post, so I apologize if there are any errors.

 

[Zigner]

Hello,

I live in New York. The other state this involves is North Carolina. Approx. 12 years ago my girlfriend left me and moved away to be with someone she found online. I later found that she gave birth about 8-12 months after moving. I have been losing sleep over if this child is mine or not for a while now and am scared to try to figure out if she is.

My concerns are:

1. How do I go about getting a DNA test if mom is very against it and has asked me not to contact her after originally asking her if the child was mine.
2. Consequences of knowing the truth. I too have moved on since this relationship ended, with a wife and 4 daughters of my own. I am worried that if the child is mine she is too old to want to build a relationship with me and I will be stuck with child support payments.

This is my first post, so I apologize if there are any errors.

I was right there with you until the point that you made it clear that your main concern is that you might have to actually provide support for the child if she is your child.

Why don't you leave the woman and her child alone. You've gone 12 years without bothering to find out anything...why start now?

 

[Eekamouse]

Hello,

I live in New York. The other state this involves is North Carolina. Approx. 12 years ago my girlfriend left me and moved away to be with someone she found online. I later found that she gave birth about 8-12 months after moving. I have been losing sleep over if this child is mine or not for a while now and am scared to try to figure out if she is.

My concerns are:

1. How do I go about getting a DNA test if mom is very against it and has asked me not to contact her after originally asking her if the child was mine.
2. Consequences of knowing the truth. I too have moved on since this relationship ended, with a wife and 4 daughters of my own. I am worried that if the child is mine she is too old to want to build a relationship with me and I will be stuck with child support payments.

This is my first post, so I apologize if there are any errors.

Has the mother approached you asking for child support? It doesn't sound like she has so why are you worried about that?

 

[stealth2]

I have been losing sleep over if this child is mine or not for a while now

How long is "a while"?

 

[Zigner]

You now - I'm in a decent mood today, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that child support is not the main concern here and that you are truly interested in developing a relationship with this young lady (if she is your child).

Have you spoken to the mother to find out when the child was born? If she was born 12 months after you were last "with" mom, then you can be sure she is not your child...

 

[LdiJ]

Hello,

I live in New York. The other state this involves is North Carolina. Approx. 12 years ago my girlfriend left me and moved away to be with someone she found online. I later found that she gave birth about 8-12 months after moving. I have been losing sleep over if this child is mine or not for a while now and am scared to try to figure out if she is.

My concerns are:

1. How do I go about getting a DNA test if mom is very against it and has asked me not to contact her after originally asking her if the child was mine.
2. Consequences of knowing the truth. I too have moved on since this relationship ended, with a wife and 4 daughters of my own. I am worried that if the child is mine she is too old to want to build a relationship with me and I will be stuck with child support payments.

This is my first post, so I apologize if there are any errors.

Dad, your 4 daughters with your wife will want to know their big sister and she will want to know her sisters as well. It would be incredibly selfish, for all the children's sakes, not to find out for sure, one way or another. You do not want the children growing up and discovering later in life that they have siblings they never met.

I would recommend that you approach your ex on that basis. Yes, you might end up obligated for child support if she is yours, but you can insist on parenting time if for no other reason that to give the siblings a chance to know each other. If your ex will not cooperate, then you file to establish paternity in court, and that will get you a DNA test. You will have to file in the city and state where mom and the child live.

 

[Taxing Matters]

How do I go about getting a DNA test if mom is very against it and has asked me not to contact her after originally asking her if the child was mine.

Since she is apparently adverse to any contact with you the only way you will get that is to sue for a determination of paternity in the state where the mother and child now reside, which from your post appears to be NC. During the case to determine paternity you may get an order requiring DNA test. Under NC law you may institute a paternity proceeding anytime until the child turns 18. If the mother was married at the time the child was born you would need to serve him too as he will be an adverse party to the paternity action. The child will also be party to the action regardless. You'd be well advised to seek out the assistance of a family law attorney in NC for that.

Consequences of knowing the truth. I too have moved on since this relationship ended, with a wife and 4 daughters of my own. I am worried that if the child is mine she is too old to want to build a relationship with me and I will be stuck with child support payments.

It would not be unusual for the child to resent that you knew you were potentially her father he entire life, waited all these years to move to establish paternity, and now as she approaches being a teen you come in and disrupt her life. I anticipate that should you be successful you'd need to put in A LOT of work to develop a positive relationship with your daughter. If you are unwilling to put in that work the I suggest you not go through with it. It will only end up hurting the feelings of everyone involved, with lingering resentment, if you pursue the paternity finding but then don't want to truly develop the relationship.

And should you succeed, you will get charged with support, and it may be that you'd end up with retroactive child support to pay, i.e. be ordered to pay support from birth or from some other date in time prior to the date you file for paternity. This is especially a risk if the child ever got government welfare type payments. There is also a slight risk of being charged for criminal nonsupport, a misdemeanor in NC. All the more reason to talk over the risks and costs of pursuing this with a NC attorney.

 

[Taxing Matters]

It would be incredibly selfish, for all the children's sakes, not to find out for sure, one way or another. You do not want the children growing up and discovering later in life that they have siblings they never met.

I disagree with that. After a dozen years in which he knew of the possibility that he was the father and knowing the disruption that this may cause the family of the mother, he may well decide that things are better off left as they are. It would not IMO be at all selfish to do reach that conclusion. His current family is not the only consideration here. After the child reaches adulthood there is always the opportunity to determine whether the child wants to know if he is really her father and if so whether she wants a relationship with the OP and his family. Let her make that choice.

Note that if the child and mother live in some state other than NC it may be that it is too late now to pursue a paternity action anyway. Depends on the relevant facts and applicable state law.

 

[LdiJ]

I disagree with that. After a dozen years in which he knew of the possibility that he was the father and knowing the disruption that this may cause the family of the mother, he may well decide that things are better off left as they are. It would not IMO be at all selfish to do reach that conclusion. His current family is not the only consideration here. After the child reaches adulthood there is always the opportunity to determine whether the child wants to know if he is really her father and if so whether she wants a relationship with the OP and his family. Let her make that choice.

Note that if the child and mother live in some state other than NC it may be that it is too late now to pursue a paternity action anyway. Depends on the relevant facts and applicable state law.

We will have to agree to disagree on this one.

 

[Zigner]

To flip the coin - imagine the disruption that will be caused for the child's life if the OP is NOT her father. That's going to force a conversation between the mother and the child that doesn't have to happen. The guy doesn't even know WHEN the girl was born. He needs to gather some facts before doing anything.

 

[LdiJ]

To flip the coin - imagine the disruption that will be caused for the child's life if the OP is NOT her father. That's going to force a conversation between the mother and the child that doesn't have to happen. The guy doesn't even know WHEN the girl was born. He needs to gather some facts before doing anything.

I think it could be done discretely enough that mom wouldn't have to broach that discussion with the child unless DNA proves that the OP the child's father. However, I would agree that somehow finding out the child's birthday might actual solve the problem if it turns out to be more than 40 weeks after they split up.

 

[Ohiogal]

I think it could be done discretely enough that mom wouldn't have to broach that discussion with the child unless DNA proves that the OP the child's father. However, I would agree that somehow finding out the child's birthday might actual solve the problem if it turns out to be more than 40 weeks after they split up.

So you expect the child to get a DNA swab done and picture taken without being told what it is for? Oh and you want mom to lie about it?

 

[Zigner]

I think it could be done discretely enough that mom wouldn't have to broach that discussion with the child unless DNA proves that the OP the child's father. However, I would agree that somehow finding out the child's birthday might actual solve the problem if it turns out to be more than 40 weeks after they split up.

You think that DNA could be collected from the 12 year old child without her wondering what's going on? I suppose that a plausible lie could cover it...

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

You think that DNA could be collected from the 12 year old child without her wondering what's going on? I suppose that a plausible lie could cover it...

With all the COVID tests going on I think it would be simple to do so.

 

[Ohiogal]

With all the COVID tests going on I think it would be simple to do so.

You know how they do a covid test? It is not a cheek swab. It goes up the news to tickle your brain.