Custody and domestic violence

[Jovahutc]

So here’s my dilemma, and I would appreciate any real advice on how to proceed.

My daughter is 7, and I’ve got a manipulative ex who I’ve been taking care of financially ever since my child was born. She has basically been a stay at home mom while I worked and provided everything.

now I love my daughter more than anything,but me and her mom have never got along though I tried my best for my child. Well anyway there’s been two incidences where I called the police on her; first one was she cut my on the arm and I was bleeding, never touched her. The second one her attacking me while I was driving because she was upset I wouldn’t give her money. She went to jail both times and plead guilty. After that she wouldn’t let me see my child so I filed for custody and we eventually ended up agreeing that I would have her every weekend. So it went like that for almost a year and we met at the station to exchange our child.
Fast forward; she calls me and tells me she no longer has a place to stay and me not wanting my child to be homeless let her come back. Some years go by and one night we argue and she calls the police on me. I go to jail and later on the case is dropped. The second (current) instance we are arguing and she calls again and tells the cops I slapped her. Not true she hit me and I shoved her so she wouldn’t hit me again. So I go to jail again even though there is no evidence. She shows them a video her her provoking me while I’m sitting on the couch watching tv and she’s just trying to get me upset... now this has been going on all night and she got to me so I sort of charged at her so she’d go upstairs and I sat back down but she got it on video and showed it to police. So now I am facing a dv charge and court is next Month.

she left with my daughter and I had not seen my daughter in a month. My daughter goes over my parents house every weekend so my mom called her and she won’t even let them see her. She’s saying she fears for her safety which is completely bogus. So we all have not seen my child and don’t k is what to do. Mind you the custody order is still in place. But my parents are afraid if I pursue anything in the family court then she will claim false allegations against me tokeep my child away.

I miss my daughter and I don’tknow what to do. I can’t afford a lawyer there’s no way.

 

[LdiJ]

So here’s my dilemma, and I would appreciate any real advice on how to proceed.

My daughter is 7, and I’ve got a manipulative ex who I’ve been taking care of financially ever since my child was born. She has basically been a stay at home mom while I worked and provided everything.

now I love my daughter more than anything,but me and her mom have never got along though I tried my best for my child. Well anyway there’s been two incidences where I called the police on her; first one was she cut my on the arm and I was bleeding, never touched her. The second one her attacking me while I was driving because she was upset I wouldn’t give her money. She went to jail both times and plead guilty. After that she wouldn’t let me see my child so I filed for custody and we eventually ended up agreeing that I would have her every weekend. So it went like that for almost a year and we met at the station to exchange our child.
Fast forward; she calls me and tells me she no longer has a place to stay and me not wanting my child to be homeless let her come back. Some years go by and one night we argue and she calls the police on me. I go to jail and later on the case is dropped. The second (current) instance we are arguing and she calls again and tells the cops I slapped her. Not true she hit me and I shoved her so she wouldn’t hit me again. So I go to jail again even though there is no evidence. She shows them a video her her provoking me while I’m sitting on the couch watching tv and she’s just trying to get me upset... now this has been going on all night and she got to me so I sort of charged at her so she’d go upstairs and I sat back down but she got it on video and showed it to police. So now I am facing a dv charge and court is next Month.

she left with my daughter and I had not seen my daughter in a month. My daughter goes over my parents house every weekend so my mom called her and she won’t even let them see her. She’s saying she fears for her safety which is completely bogus. So we all have not seen my child and don’t k is what to do. Mind you the custody order is still in place. But my parents are afraid if I pursue anything in the family court then she will claim false allegations against me tokeep my child away.

I miss my daughter and I don’tknow what to do. I can’t afford a lawyer there’s no way.

You have to show up at the exchange location to pick up your child according to the custody order. Once she has been a no show a few times you can file in court to try to have her held in contempt for not obeying the custody orders.

However, you probably should not do that until after your court date, AND you want to have a witness with you every time you exchange your child, if possible.

 

[Jovahutc]

You have to show up at the exchange location to pick up your child according to the custody order. Once she has been a no show a few times you can file in court to try to have her held in contempt for not obeying the custody orders.

However, you probably should not do that until after your court date, AND you want to have a witness with you every time you exchange your child, if possible.

So I need to wait to see my daughter? Until this case ends? That is what my parents told me. It’s just hard

 

[Just Blue]

So I need to wait to see my daughter? Until this case ends? That is what my parents told me. It’s just hard

What state?

 

[LdiJ]

So I need to wait to see my daughter? Until this case ends? That is what my parents told me. It’s just hard

She will probably not back down until a family law judge makes her back down. Unfortunately, a family law judge may not do that until there has been some resolution in your domestic violence case.

 

[Just Blue]

@Jovahutc What state is this? Laws vary state to state so this information is important.

 

[Jovahutc]

@Jovahutc What state is this? Laws vary state to state so this information is important.

Michigan

 

[t74]

You need to find an attorney for your DV case!!!!! Losing can cost you much more than you have already lost. Try to get a second job. Pay only your required support. Get a loan. See what free or low cost legal assistance is available in your area. Do whatever is required to get an attorney

NEVER allow an ex to manipulate you into allowing him/her in your home. The fact your ex is homeless is not your problem. The child did not have to be homeless; your ex could have/should have allowed the child to remain with you or other family while she found a suitable residence for her and the child. You may be the one who is homeless because you are removed for DV from your own home. Have the court decide the best action for the child while her primary custodial parent is homeless if your ex does not act in the best interest of the child..

Your ex has already exhibited violent tendencies by her past attacks on you yet received primary custody (There is likely more to this story.). Women especially are guided through the system because if is assumed that they are the more likely victims of of physically more powerful men. It is not unusual (at least in my area where judges seem to err on the side of caution even when past history shows the claims were not valid) for women to use DV accusations and POs to deny the other parent access to the child. Do take the DV charge as a serious problem.

Keep your cool and be prepared for the worst. Listen to your parents. Do everything the court orders in your DV case even though you feel wronged,

Do NOT do anything to stress out your child. They are having enough stress with COVID disruptions. This will mean putting your desires and needs on hold.

And, next time you are in a similar situation and your child can safely be left with your ex, leave. Go to your parents, a friend's, a hotel, ... If your child cannot be safely left (I assume your ex would not injure the child which would require immediate intervention), call the police and wait outside for their assistance. You may be couch surfing while you get your ex legally removed from your home. Have your attorney file for emergency placement for your child if leaving with your ex would make the child homeless; this could be with you, your ex, family or foster care. Your state's child services agency for concerns of potential harm to the child is always an option; do not contact them with frivolous accusations.

Remember 2 rules when dealing with a difficult ex: 1. protect the child; 2. protect yourself in that order

Remember 1 rule when dealing with court orders: follow them to the letter (That means if you were not ordered to pay your ex's expenses, don't. Pay your child support through the state agency rather than directly to the other parent and pay on time and in full. Garnishment of your wages can be a good idea. Appear at the visitation exchange location even though you do not expect the ex and child to be there. ...) Previous posters have good suggestions.

Be patient at this time. Courts are a mess in many locations due to illness of court officers and total closures of many courts.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Occasionally @t74 and I agree.

This is one of those occasions.

More bluntly: Suck it up. Do not engage. Do not escalate.
Fight the DV charges. But if you fail, gracefully jump through whatever hoops there are to see your child, no matter how unfair it seems. Because fairness to you is not the goal; being an active part of your child's life is the goal.

Also, try to communicate exclusively through mediums that leave a court-admissible record. What courts prefer varies, so find out what your particular court prefers. Even if it's not admissible, email and text can be preferable to conversations, if it helps you to avoid responding to bait.

 

[t74]

Use the court preferred communication app. If it is not urgent, compose your message elsewhere and reread several times before posting; i.e. do not post in anger. Never use profanity or derogatory terms. Be excruciatingly polite and respectful. Don't argue via the app; it serves no purpose and can come back to bite you.

And a complement never hurts. Just because ex behaves badly does not mean you need to respond in the same way (I know it is hard!!).

Most importantly - follow court ORDERS.

 

[Jovahutc]

You need to find an attorney for your DV case!!!!! Losing can cost you much more than you have already lost. Try to get a second job. Pay only your required support. Get a loan. See what free or low cost legal assistance is available in your area. Do whatever is required to get an attorney

NEVER allow an ex to manipulate you into allowing him/her in your home. The fact your ex is homeless is not your problem. The child did not have to be homeless; your ex could have/should have allowed the child to remain with you or other family while she found a suitable residence for her and the child. You may be the one who is homeless because you are removed for DV from your own home. Have the court decide the best action for the child while her primary custodial parent is homeless if your ex does not act in the best interest of the child..

Your ex has already exhibited violent tendencies by her past attacks on you yet received primary custody (There is likely more to this story.). Women especially are guided through the system because if is assumed that they are the more likely victims of of physically more powerful men. It is not unusual (at least in my area where judges seem to err on the side of caution even when past history shows the claims were not valid) for women to use DV accusations and POs to deny the other parent access to the child. Do take the DV charge as a serious problem.

Keep your cool and be prepared for the worst. Listen to your parents. Do everything the court orders in your DV case even though you feel wronged,

Do NOT do anything to stress out your child. They are having enough stress with COVID disruptions. This will mean putting your desires and needs on hold.

And, next time you are in a similar situation and your child can safely be left with your ex, leave. Go to your parents, a friend's, a hotel, ... If your child cannot be safely left (I assume your ex would not injure the child which would require immediate intervention), call the police and wait outside for their assistance. You may be couch surfing while you get your ex legally removed from your home. Have your attorney file for emergency placement for your child if leaving with your ex would make the child homeless; this could be with you, your ex, family or foster care. Your state's child services agency for concerns of potential harm to the child is always an option; do not contact them with frivolous accusations.

Remember 2 rules when dealing with a difficult ex: 1. protect the child; 2. protect yourself in that order

Remember 1 rule when dealing with court orders: follow them to the letter (That means if you were not ordered to pay your ex's expenses, don't. Pay your child support through the state agency rather than directly to the other parent and pay on time and in full. Garnishment of your wages can be a good idea. Appear at the visitation exchange location even though you do not expect the ex and child to be there. ...) Previous posters have good suggestions.

Be patient at this time. Courts are a mess in many locations due to illness of court officers and total closures of many courts.

Thanks. I will note that she has left the home with my child after I got out. I have not been in contact with her. My mom told me she said she’s feels unsafe and is not going to let us see my daughter this holiday. It’s such bull crap. My court date isn’t until next month which we don’t think she will show because she didn’t last time. And apparently the prosecutor has been calling my parents so I don’t think she gave them her number and they can’t find her so she most likely will not show again. If she does I’m pleading not guilty because there is no evidence of her claim. My only worry is not seeing my daughter right now.I appreciate the advice greatly

 

[Jovahutc]

Thanks. I will note that she has left the home with my child after I got out. I have not been in contact with her. My mom told me she said she’s feels unsafe and is not going to let us see my daughter this holiday. It’s such bull crap. My court date isn’t until next month which we don’t think she will show because she didn’t last time. And apparently the prosecutor has been calling my parents so I don’t think she gave them her number and they can’t find her so she most likely will not show again. If she does I’m pleading not guilty because there is no evidence of her claim. My only worry is not seeing my daughter right now.I appreciate the advice greatly

Also I absolutely cannot afford a lawyer at this time I have debt and about to file bankruptcy

 

[Jovahutc]

Occasionally @t74 and I agree.

This is one of those occasions.

More bluntly: Suck it up. Do not engage. Do not escalate.
Fight the DV charges. But if you fail, gracefully jump through whatever hoops there are to see your child, no matter how unfair it seems. Because fairness to you is not the goal; being an active part of your child's life is the goal.

Also, try to communicate exclusively through mediums that leave a court-admissible record. What courts prefer varies, so find out what your particular court prefers. Even if it's not admissible, email and text can be preferable to conversations, if it helps you to avoid responding to bait.

Thank you

 

[stealth2]

Do you/your parents have her number? Why not provide it to the prosecutor?

 

[Jovahutc]

Do you/your parents have her number? Why not provide it to the prosecutor?

Why would we? So can drag this out with her false allegations? Why didn’t she give them the right number?