Separated, what to do?

[Ohiogal]

I love being ignored. WHAT PROOF DO YOU HAVE? Police reports are hearsay and inadmissible. So what PROOF DO YOU HAVE.

 

[Ohiogal]

Do you have a job? Do you make 4x the lease amount? Can you afford daycare? How much do you think you will get in child support?

 

[not2cleverRed]

He plead guilty. As far as the other instances, I called on all but one of them. It was never an outside person calling. There were no arrests made because it was for things like him shutting off the electricity at the breaker box and preventing me from turning it on, or him trapping me in a room after lifting the mattress off the bed while I was laying on it and using it to corner me. It wasn't him outright hitting me. Because he was always drunk, the police asked that I packed up the kids in the middle of the night and leave. The one time he called them was when he was drunk, injured himself and called them to tell them I did it to him. He waited until they were pulling out the handcuffs to arrest me before breaking down and saying he did it himself. Alcohol was a central theme to almost all of the arguments where the cops were called. Yes, of course there were times I fought back verbally. Even if I tried to separate myself from him he would always come into the room I was in and continue.

It was not a good situation, and I'm not saying that I'm trying to keep the kids from him. I just wanted to know the best route to take while the divorce has not been filed for yet. I assume even when it is filed it takes a period of time to get provisional orders set.

Look, I know that you don't want to hear this, but... there is no magic solution.

Get a notebook and start recording everything you remember, so you can get your timeline straight.
Get another notebook and start keeping a record of what's going on now.

Neither of these things are admissible, but they might help you get your head straight, so that you can determine what are priorities and what's not.

Contact your local domestic violence group. Get yourself into counseling. They may also be able to hook you up with legal help for family court. Please note the use of the word "may".

Yes, go forth and get temporary orders (support and visitation/custody/parenting).
DO request that communications go through whatever electronic venue your local court prefers. You want emotional distance and a court admissible record of your communications regarding the children.
DO NOT expect him to give you $ without a fight. Yes, it is reasonable to expect child support, but have it go through a state agency. All else... well, just because you're legally entitled to it doesn't mean you'll get it without a fight. And if the legal costs exceed what you stand to get, a legal fight might not be worth it - even if you are awarded legal fees. Because it's one thing to be awarded something.... and another thing to collect.

 

[stealth2]

Get another notebook and start keeping a record of what's going on now.

What the guys down the road suggest - and I only mention it as I believe IN is a one-party state - is to get a digital recorder and keep it running all the time. Even if not admissible in court, it could be helpful to show who was the aggressor and what led up to any aggressive behavior. I'd definitely run it by your lawyer first, though...

 

[t74]

You also need to get yourself some counseling to understand why you returned to an abuser and had another child with him and have waited so long to do something if the abuse was as troubling to you at the time it happened rather than now when you want a divorce and likely want to use alleged (since it was not documented by his arrest) abuse in the custody battle. The assumption the allegations are to be part of a custody battle come from your unwillingness to allow him entry into his home and have not given him unrestricted access to your shared children.

Be sure you get an attorney who tells you the truth and not what you want to hear. It also sounds like you expect to be provided an attorney for your divorce. You need to be checking on the resources available to you since attorneys do not work for free.

While I am sympathetic to your situation, you need a fast reality check. I suggest you start looking for alternative living arrangements and not sign a new lease until you cre3ate a budget assuming no support from the child's father. Your standard of living is going to go way down when your children have two separate home.

PS I also find it terrible that the two of you fighting ruined your children's Christmas. You wndured the situation for years yet you wanted him removed from his - and the children's - home for Christmas.

 

[LdiJ]

You also need to get yourself some counseling to understand why you returned to an abuser and had another child with him and have waited so long to do something if the abuse was as troubling to you at the time it happened rather than now when you want a divorce and likely want to use alleged (since it was not documented by his arrest) abuse in the custody battle. The assumption the allegations are to be part of a custody battle come from your unwillingness to allow him entry into his home and have not given him unrestricted access to your shared children.

In post number 8 she clearly state that there was an arrest history.

Be sure you get an attorney who tells you the truth and not what you want to hear. It also sounds like you expect to be provided an attorney for your divorce. You need to be checking on the resources available to you since attorneys do not work for free. [/quote}

In which post did she indicate that?

While I am sympathetic to your situation, you need a fast reality check. I suggest you start looking for alternative living arrangements and not sign a new lease until you cre3ate a budget assuming no support from the child's father. Your standard of living is going to go way down when your children have two separate home.

You are assuming that she doesn't have a decent job. I see no evidence of that.

PS I also find it terrible that the two of you fighting ruined your children's Christmas. You wndured the situation for years yet you wanted him removed from his - and the children's - home for Christmas.

He has a history of domestic violence. Are you saying that she should have tolerated being abused just because it's Christmas?

 

[LdiJ]

You also need to get yourself some counseling to understand why you returned to an abuser and had another child with him and have waited so long to do something if the abuse was as troubling to you at the time it happened rather than now when you want a divorce and likely want to use alleged (since it was not documented by his arrest) abuse in the custody battle. The assumption the allegations are to be part of a custody battle come from your unwillingness to allow him entry into his home and have not given him unrestricted access to your shared children.

I post number 8 she clearly said there was an arrest history.

Be sure you get an attorney who tells you the truth and not what you want to hear. It also sounds like you expect to be provided an attorney for your divorce. You need to be checking on the resources available to you since attorneys do not work for free.

In which post did she indicate that?

While I am sympathetic to your situation, you need a fast reality check. I suggest you start looking for alternative living arrangements and not sign a new lease until you cre3ate a budget assuming no support from the child's father. Your standard of living is going to go way down when your children have two separate home.

In which post did she indicate that she did not have a decent income of her own?

PS I also find it terrible that the two of you fighting ruined your children's Christmas. You wndured the situation for years yet you wanted him removed from his - and the children's - home for Christmas.

You are suggesting that someone has to tolerate domestic violence because it's Christmas?

 

[stealth2]

I post number 8 she clearly said there was an arrest history.

One arrest, despite multiple calls. That arrest led to a plea deal. Which does give it some weight. The other calls? Not so much.

In which post did she indicate that?

Initial post, first paragraph, fourth sentence.

I applied with Indiana Legal Services to hopefully get representation.

^^^ This does indicate that she can't afford to pay for a lawyer, which tends to lead one to think she doesn't have a large income.

 

[LdiJ]

One arrest, despite multiple calls. That arrest led to a plea deal. Which does give it some weight. The other calls? Not so much.



Initial post, first paragraph, fourth sentence.

^^^ This does indicate that she can't afford to pay for a lawyer, which tends to lead one to think she doesn't have a large income.

I really cannot afford an attorney either if one were needed either, but I have a decent income. I don't have a huge income because my work is so seasonal, but I have a decent income. I don't need a man to support me and mine, which was what t74 implied that the OP needed. For all T74 knows, the OP's husband could have been the one not working or having a very low income.

 

[t74]

Why are there no comments about OP ruining the children's Christmas with her divorce demands and essentially chasing him out of their home? This could certainly have waited until another time a week or two later. The baby likely does not care but the 4yo is certainly excited (if my 5yo DGS is typical) about Santa's visit; it is one of the few bright spots in an awfully stressful year.

OP had another child with spouse AFTER the arrest. She mist not have considered it a problem while she was sleeping with him since that incident. She was apparently getting something from the relationship if not emotional then likely financial support.

IMO, OP needs more than legal assistance with her track record in this relationship and her "I'm good, dad bad" attitude and denying him access to his children. If finances and knowledge of the legal and social services system were not an issue, she would have contacted an attorney BEFORE making repeated requests/demands for a divorce and not the forum after DH is out of the house.

I sympathize with her situation, but she seems naive as to what is to come and the costs and logistics of being a single, primary custodial parent of two under 6 and the long term costs of court actions in family court..

 

[stealth2]

I asked my husband for a divorce three times the week of Christmas. He packed up and left on Christmas day and hasn't been back since. I applied through our local child support office to receive child support. I applied with Indiana Legal Services to hopefully get representation. There is a long history of abuse, mostly emotional and verbal. There have been some physical abuse, but nothing serious and it's been probably 6 months since the last time. He was arrested once for a domestic in 2016. After that the cops have been called probably 5-10 times with no arrests made.

I will agree that the timing is rather unfortunate since it does not appear that the divorce requests came about from recent abuse issues. Another week or two would not have made a difference to the adults but could have ensured a happy holiday for the kids. Adults should be able to show some maturity.

(anecdotally... when I filed, I specifically asked that he be served at work, not at home in front of the children, and certainly not on our daughter's birthday. Doncha know? At home, at dinnertime, on her birthday. When I asked? The server didn't want to embarrass him at work. But ruining a 4yo's bday was okay.)

In any event... IF there had been a DV incident during the holidays? Do what needs to be done. But if it's been six months? You can wait a week. In fact, that would have provided time to secure representation and have a handle on the finer points.

 

[Ohiogal]

I post number 8 she clearly said there was an arrest history.



In which post did she indicate that?



In which post did she indicate that she did not have a decent income of her own?



You are suggesting that someone has to tolerate domestic violence because it's Christmas?

An arrest history MEANS NOTHING. It is hearsay and not admissble by the rules of evidence. Wanting legal aid means she has poverty level income. That is who legal aid helps. She has tolerated it for at least four years. Since the ONE plea. She has stated there was nothing recent. SHE has not shown she really fears him but rather this appears to be a play for her to grab custody.

She has yet to answer a single question I have asked. Interesting, since I am the ONLY attorney who HAS answered her. Yet not one question answered. She is either incredibly ignorant, incredibly selfish, or this is dad trying to find out information. Which one are you afng21? Which by the way is interesting. You 21 years old?

 

[Ohiogal]

I will agree that the timing is rather unfortunate since it does not appear that the divorce requests came about from recent abuse issues. Another week or two would not have made a difference to the adults but could have ensured a happy holiday for the kids. Adults should be able to show some maturity.

(anecdotally... when I filed, I specifically asked that he be served at work, not at home in front of the children, and certainly not on our daughter's birthday. Doncha know? At home, at dinnertime, on her birthday. When I asked? The server didn't want to embarrass him at work. But ruining a 4yo's bday was okay.)

In any event... IF there had been a DV incident during the holidays? Do what needs to be done. But if it's been six months? You can wait a week. In fact, that would have provided time to secure representation and have a handle on the finer points.

She hasn't filed. Not at all. She told HIM she wanted a divorce. SHE CHOSE the time. Wonder who the new boyfriend or girlfriend is and when they are moving in?

 

[t74]

I will agree that the timing is rather unfortunate since it does not appear that the divorce requests came about from recent abuse issues. Another week or two would not have made a difference to the adults but could have ensured a happy holiday for the kids. Adults should be able to show some maturity.

(anecdotally... when I filed, I specifically asked that he be served at work, not at home in front of the children, and certainly not on our daughter's birthday. Doncha know? At home, at dinnertime, on her birthday. When I asked? The server didn't want to embarrass him at work. But ruining a 4yo's bday was okay.)

In any event... IF there had been a DV incident during the holidays? Do what needs to be done. But if it's been six months? You can wait a week. In fact, that would have provided time to secure representation and have a handle on the finer points.

If she was in physical danger then she should have immediately left the house with the children for a family member's - his or hers , a friend's or a shelter. She CHOSE to remain in the home therefore she was not truly afraid for her physical safety. Only an incompetent parent would remain - or allow children to do so - physically near someone who might physically harm them.

 

[t74]

We also need to remember that these are very unusual times. There has been an increase of mental health issues - including alcohol and drug abuse, and confrontations in families due to the financial stresses and isolation of the pandemic.

Everyone needs to take a deep breath and chill when there are disagreements that are unlikely to result in physical harm. They need to stop claiming "emotional abuse" when the entire country - actually most of the world - is under stress unknown in our lifetimes. The only thing that compares is an event like World War 2.

Hopefully, in a couple of years this nightmare will only be a bad memory.