Custody question when parent moves cross country

[Azi]

What is the name of your state? Nj
Hi ,
I find a job in California and my husband agrees to we both move there with our 17 month daughter. We have already told our landlord, sold furniture and shipped our car. And I resigned from my job here and I should be in CA for my new job this week.
But since he agreed to the move he is very angry with me and he become very verbally abusive against me.
We are flying from NJ to California on Monday.
Tonight we had a fight over my mistake in amazon fresh order and he hit me in the head and it escalated to him telling me I'm not coming with you and I won't let you take our daughter. We go to court to decide who get custody.
My question is there anyway I take my daughter with me temporary until court decides , our he can stop me from taking her.
If I stay for court I loose my job there. If I go without my child, do I loose her custody?
Generally do I have any chance on getting custody or visitation if I am leaving across country?

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state? Nj
Hi ,
I find a job in California and my husband agrees to we both move there with our 17 month daughter. We have already told our landlord, sold furniture and shipped our car. And I resigned from my job here and I should be in CA for my new job this week.
But since he agreed to the move he is very angry with me and he become very verbally abusive against me.
We are flying from NJ to California on Monday.
Tonight we had a fight over my mistake in amazon fresh order and he hit me in the head and it escalated to him telling me I'm not coming with you and I won't let you take our daughter. We go to court to decide who get custody.
My question is there anyway I take my daughter with me temporary until court decides , our he can stop me from taking her.
If I stay for court I loose my job there. If I go without my child, do I loose her custody?
Generally do I have any chance on getting custody or visitation if I am leaving across country?

Did you call the police for the assault? If yes, was he arrested? If you didn't call the police, why didn't you?

 

[Azi]

It never leaves a mark on me and it happens a lot. He just slaps me or pushes me or hits me on back of my head. If I call the police how I even prove that he did that

 

[Azi]

I never called the police, as I dont know if I can prove it

 

[Just Blue]

I suggest you go and file a criminal complaint tomorrow morning. Get a TRO. File for divorce and ask for custody of your child...this will take quite a while to go through the courts, so you will have to decide if you are still going to move to California. If you take the baby to Cali on Monday your husband can file in court for her to be returned to New Jersey and the Judge is almost sure to order that.

If I were you I would get all the legalities taken care of before moving.

 

[Azi]

If I leave without my child ( as he won't allow me to take her with me) and hire a lawyer from there, do I lose my chance for getting custody?
I have been out of job and desperately trying to find a job during pandemic, now I found something at a very good company and I don't want to be jobless again. I don't have any family or financial support so I don't want to end up having my child but force to live in a shelter.

 

[Just Blue]

If I leave without my child ( as he won't allow me to take her with me) and hire a lawyer from there, do I lose my chance for getting custody?
I have been out of job and desperately trying to find a job during pandemic, now I found something at a very good company and I don't want to be jobless again. I don't have any family or financial support so I don't want to end up having my child but force to live in a shelter.

In your first post you said you resigned from your job. When did you resign?

It's possible (not very) that you could be allowed to move with the baby but you would like be responsible for all costs of transportation for visitation. More likely Dad will be awarded primary custody. If possible try to have a consult with a Family Law attorney on Monday.
I don't envy you the tough choice you have. Good luck and keep checking your thread and hopefully another volunteer will come along with more helpful advice. I will tag a few members that I think will offer good advice for you.

@stealth2 @Ohiogal @Zigner @not2cleverRed

 

[Azi]

I was on a temporary training job and I've already quit and the position already filled..
If you can advice me what is the law about proving domestic violence is good as well. I don't want to go to lawyer if I don't have any chance to prove it. As my spouse can see my emails and knows my schedule.

 

[not2cleverRed]

It never leaves a mark on me and it happens a lot. He just slaps me or pushes me or hits me on back of my head. If I call the police how I even prove that he did that

It does not matter that it "never leaves a mark" - it's physical abuse. Report it to the police.

Start documenting the incidents. Police reports are a form of documentation, but so are your personal records. In the absence of physical proof, it boils down to credibility if/when you attempt to get an order of protection/restraining order. If you can attest clearly and consistently about the occurrences of abuse, you will be credible, hopefully more credible than your spouse.

Do these incidents ever occur in front of your daughter? If so, that is a form of child abuse.

Do contact a domestic violence support group for help and advice.

Are you an immigrant?

Note: Your spouse is not going to get a court date Monday. Court dates have to be put on the court calendar, and there is a process for that, and that process is further complicated by the pandemic. Filing for divorce does not qualify as an "emergency".

You have been married for a while. You know best whether he will cool down. Does he have a job? Have you been the household's primary breadwinner? Who has been the primary caretaker of your daughter?

I'd be tempted to just go to California as planned. There are 2 possibilities:
1) He does not join you.
2) He calms down and continues the family move as planned.

If he goes with option 2, then once residency is established any eventual court filings will be in CA. You have time to get help from a local domestic violence support group and develop an escape plan. You don't sound ready to leave; he's the one that's threatening to leave.

If he goes with option 1, things get more complicated. However, your car has been shipped to CA, so someone has to go to CA anyhow. Whether to take your daughter with you is dependent on what would currently be least disruptive for her. If he has been the primary caretaker, then leaving her with him would be better.

I do not know the intricacies of your situation, but I do know this:
a) even if you leave you daughter behind with your husband, you will still, at the very least, be entitled to a long distance parenting (visitation) plan (with you footing the cost of transportation), and joint legal custody is a reasonable request.
b) leaving your daughter behind with your abusive spouse will make it very difficult for you to get primary physical custody in a divorce, unless the other parent agrees. It is a bad idea to try and argue that he would be a bad/abusive parent after you have voluntarily left her in his care. Of course, if he's always been a loving dad, and is just an abusive jerk out of eye and earshot of her, but suddenly becomes a jerk to her instead without you to be there as a punching bag... well, that's different. Very baaad .

If you do leave with your daughter, be aware that your spouse can take legal action to have temporary custody orders granting him physical custody during your separation pending divorce. Be prepared. Find yourself a NJ lawyer.

 

[stealth2]

Your spouse is not going to get a court date Monday. Court dates have to be put on the court calendar, and there is a process for that, and that process is further complicated by the pandemic. Filing for divorce does not qualify as an "emergency".

And THIS Monday is a Federal holiday, in any event.

 

[Azi]

Thank you for your reply, we had another fight today and he throw a knife which hit me in the back, I called the police and get a temporary restraining order against him. Our court dated is set at Jan 25th. I got temporary custody of my child.
What happens now can I go with my daughter to California? I don't want to lose my job/health insurance. If I hire a lawyer can he go to court instead of me?
What is the best way to hire a lawyer?

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you for your reply, we had another fight today and he throw a knife which hit me in the back, I called the police and get a temporary restraining order against him. Our court dated is set at Jan 25th. I got temporary custody of my child.
What happens now can I go with my daughter to California? I don't want to lose my job/health insurance. If I hire a lawyer can he go to court instead of me?
What is the best way to hire a lawyer?

Of course you can go with your daughter to CA. That isn't the question. The question is whether or not your daughter can remain in CA or whether you will be forced to return her to NJ.

You will definitely need to show up for court on Jan 25th. If you go to CA on Monday will you be able to do that? If you hire an attorney he/she may be able to represent you for the first hearing, but odds are you will still need to show up for court in the near future.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Thank you for your reply, we had another fight today and he throw a knife which hit me in the back, I called the police and get a temporary restraining order against him. Our court dated is set at Jan 25th. I got temporary custody of my child.
What happens now can I go with my daughter to California? I don't want to lose my job/health insurance. If I hire a lawyer can he go to court instead of me?
What is the best way to hire a lawyer?

1) Contact a local domestic violence group in NJ. Some of them can offer legal assistance. At the very least, they might be able to give you some ideas about what resources are available.
2) Choosing a lawyer: it is best to get an initial consult with at least 3 lawyers, so you can get an idea of prevailing rates. Note: the ones that advertise the most are not necessarily the best. Talk to anyone you know who has divorced or been to Family Court within the past 5-10 years.
3) Inquire about appearing telephonically or virtually. Due to Covid, some courts are be more open to this.
4) Your local court system should have links to resources - use them.

Go to CA with your daughter. Do not leave her alone with this violent person until you are court ordered to, as apparently his violence is escalating, and without you there, he might turn on her. Do make sure that you are open about when you are to minimize allegations of parental kidnapping. Your might be ordered back to NJ, but until then, you have to support yourself and her.

The best thing you have done so far is calling the police yesterday. Follow through on this. It is important that you have a restraining order from a NJ court. It is important that you do things in the right order.

It sounds like your spouse doesn't have a job or health insurance. How has he been contributing to the support of the family?

 

[not2cleverRed]

P.S. To see how bad things can get: https://disgustedwiththesystem.blogspot.com/2009/10/press-release-re-gregg-fishers-children.html

I am familiar with the other side of that story. The mother had abuse allegations, but she left NY state with her children and went to WY to live with her parents, and filed for a restraining order there.

 

[zddoodah]

My question is there anyway I take my daughter with me temporary until court decides , our he can stop me from taking her.

It's now Monday, so maybe this is all moot, but no one here knows what abilities you and your husband have. As far as legalities, the law has nothing to say about the living and traveling arrangements of married couples and their children unless a divorce action has been filed. You are free to travel as you please with or without your child, and the same is true of your husband.

If I stay for court I loose my job there. If I go without my child, do I loose her custody?

Leaving without your child would have no impact on your ability to obtain custody. Staying in NJ for some court hearing that hasn't even been scheduled (and likely couldn't be scheduled for several weeks) would be foolish.

Generally do I have any chance on getting custody or visitation if I am leaving across country?

Yes.

As soon as possible, please consult with a NJ family law attorney since you will not be eligible to file for divorce in CA until you have lived there for at least six months.