Spousal alimony

[adjusterjack]

Sorry, guys silly questions and unrelated but in my case financial discovery is done divorce not finalized if my stocks rose after discovery has been filed and acknowldeged will I also have to share this with my STBX. Or does the discovery puts a cap on your finances?

That's something else you have to pay attention to and may have to be negotiated. Your decree (or a separation agreement) should specify whether the asset division should be as of the date of separation or as of the date of the decree.

My ex overlooked that and her 401(k), ESOP, and profit sharing were worth double on the date of the decree than they were worth when we separated while my 404(k) remained a fraction of hers. The split was made as of the date of the decree and I was quite happy with the results.

 

[LdiJ]

That's because if she has them overnight 7 days a week, she is then the primary caretaker for child support purposes.

*That* is what @doucar is alluding to.

And I know that @LdiJ knows that.

Of course I know that. However, I cannot overlook the fact that getting to see both of their parents every day (except the other parent's weekend) is absolutely in the best interest of the children. He can negotiate child support...he can even try to negotiate no child support at all in a situation like this one and have it be considered reasonable by a judge.

I don't necessarily think it's about money. I think it's about mom wanting to be the parent with primary custody, even if it's in name only. Think about it? Dad would clearly be the parent with the most "awake" time with the children.

 

[stealth2]

I don't necessarily think it's about money.

Maybe, maybe not. It's almost impossible to ascribe motive to some unknown, random person whose actions/behaviors are being described by another random, unknown person.

However, I'll admit that, for me? A mental eyebrow always raises (rises?) when a parent's greater concern appears to be the money/property settlement than custody. Frankly, I would have walked away without anything to have my kids.

 

[Ohiogal]

That's something else you have to pay attention to and may have to be negotiated. Your decree (or a separation agreement) should specify whether the asset division should be as of the date of separation or as of the date of the decree.

My ex overlooked that and her 401(k), ESOP, and profit sharing were worth double on the date of the decree than they were worth when we separated while my 404(k) remained a fraction of hers. The split was made as of the date of the decree and I was quite happy with the results.

Most discovery is also rolling... So it needs to be updated if there are changes.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Of course I know that. However, I cannot overlook the fact that getting to see both of their parents every day (except the other parent's weekend) is absolutely in the best interest of the children. He can negotiate child support...he can even try to negotiate no child support at all in a situation like this one and have it be considered reasonable by a judge.

I don't necessarily think it's about money. I think it's about mom wanting to be the parent with primary custody, even if it's in name only. Think about it? Dad would clearly be the parent with the most "awake" time with the children.

You've got to be out of your flipppin' mind.

It most certainly is NOT "absolutely in the best interest of the children" to go through the stress of exchanges every day of the week, flipping around like ping pongs.

I say this as one whose ex has no overnights because the ex has never fulfilled the requirements set out by the judge for overnights. Pre-Covid, when my would exercise visitation, it essentially works out like OP's temporary parenting plan. It is stressful and e-x-h-a-u-s-t-i-n-g. Even if my only contact was to make sure the kid went out the door, and that I or some other adult was home when he dropped her off. And that ws only for a few days at a time (<week) 2-3 times a year.

OP has indicated that Mom has stated NO REASON why the kids can't overnight with him, but apparently the kids have been told by Mom that kids are "supposed to be with their Moms." It could be money or it could be guilt - Mom might feel that there is still a stigma, whether real or perceived, about women who are not custodial parents of their children.

 

[Lookforward]

Maybe, maybe not. It's almost impossible to ascribe motive to some unknown, random person whose actions/behaviors are being described by another random, unknown person.

However, I'll admit that, for me? A mental eyebrow always raises (rises?) when a parent's greater concern appears to be the money/property settlement than custody. Frankly, I would have walked away without anything to have my kids.

Stealth I agree, children should be the most important thing in your life, and that's why i want my kids half the time or perhaps close to that (non-negotiable) The kids need to know that they are loved and adored by both their parents and they should be able to spend quality time with both.

In today's world with both parents working it is difficult for one parent to take care of their kids exclusively.( I am not saying it doesn't happen yes it does but difficult)
My children are young and this is the time when you create a bond with them. From what i have seen once the kids turn 13-14 then they live in their own world they spend the majority of the time with their friends, not with their parents.

How many studies are their which states that dad who spends more time with their kids create a stronger bond? If today i gave up on them, when they grow old they might do the same with their children.

Dad's should not be considered as second class citizen when it comes to their children and yes if the the motive of the dad is to make mom miserable or control mom through their kids then thats another story.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Stealth I agree, children should be the most important thing in your life, and that's why i want my kids half the time or perhaps close to that (non-negotiable) The kids need to know that they are loved and adored by both their parents and they should be able to spend quality time with both.

In today's world with both parents working it is difficult for one parent to take care of their kids exclusively.( I am not saying it doesn't happen yes it does but difficult)
My children are young and this is the time when you create a bond with them. From what i have seen once the kids turn 13-14 then they live in their own world they spend the majority of the time with their friends, not with their parents.

How many studies are their which states that dad who spends more time with their kids create a stronger bond? If today i gave up on them, when they grow old they might do the same with their children.

Dad's should not be considered as second class citizen when it comes to their children and yes if the the motive of the dad is to make mom miserable or control mom through their kids then thats another story.

What reason does she give you for no overnights?

 

[Lookforward]

You've got to be out of your flipppin' mind.

It most certainly is NOT "absolutely in the best interest of the children" to go through the stress of exchanges every day of the week, flipping around like ping pongs.

I say this as one whose ex has no overnights because the ex has never fulfilled the requirements set out by the judge for overnights. Pre-Covid, when my would exercise visitation, it essentially works out like OP's temporary parenting plan. It is stressful and e-x-h-a-u-s-t-i-n-g. Even if my only contact was to make sure the kid went out the door, and that I or some other adult was home when he dropped her off. And that ws only for a few days at a time (<week) 2-3 times a year.

OP has indicated that Mom has stated NO REASON why the kids can't overnight with him, but apparently the kids have been told by Mom that kids are "supposed to be with their Moms." It could be money or it could be guilt - Mom might feel that there is still a stigma, whether real or perceived, about women who are not custodial parents of their children.

Now i might be a bit biased but I think its a combination of both, It seems to be that she's trying to prove to friends and family that I am not a good husband and she's trying to get a stamp of approval from the Judge or a GAL with a decision that favors her. This way it becomes easier to go to others and state that even the law is with her.

What reason does she give you for no overnights?

 

[Lookforward]

Now i might be a bit biased but I think its a combination of both, It seems to be that she's trying to prove to friends and family that I am not a good husband and she's trying to get a stamp of approval from the Judge or a GAL with a decision that favors her. This way it becomes easier to go to others and state that even the law is with her.

No reasons whatsoever

 

[LdiJ]

You've got to be out of your flipppin' mind.

It most certainly is NOT "absolutely in the best interest of the children" to go through the stress of exchanges every day of the week, flipping around like ping pongs.

I say this as one whose ex has no overnights because the ex has never fulfilled the requirements set out by the judge for overnights. Pre-Covid, when my would exercise visitation, it essentially works out like OP's temporary parenting plan. It is stressful and e-x-h-a-u-s-t-i-n-g. Even if my only contact was to make sure the kid went out the door, and that I or some other adult was home when he dropped her off. And that ws only for a few days at a time (<week) 2-3 times a year.

OP has indicated that Mom has stated NO REASON why the kids can't overnight with him, but apparently the kids have been told by Mom that kids are "supposed to be with their Moms." It could be money or it could be guilt - Mom might feel that there is still a stigma, whether real or perceived, about women who are not custodial parents of their children.

How is it different than what is going on right now? The kids are home with dad while mom is at work, then mom gets home. It really isn't any different than the children being in daycare in terms of their routine. Now granted, if mom and dad are hostile towards each other at exchanges then yes, it would be dreadful for the children. However if mom and dad can be at least as polite to each other as they would be to a daycare provider then I don't see the same problem that you see.

Plus, as long as dad is at home isn't he going to be providing after school (or all day until school gets back in session) care to the kids anyway on mom's days?

 

[stealth2]

Stealth I agree, children should be the most important thing in your life, and that's why i want my kids half the time or perhaps close to that (non-negotiable) The kids need to know that they are loved and adored by both their parents and they should be able to spend quality time with both.

In today's world with both parents working it is difficult for one parent to take care of their kids exclusively.( I am not saying it doesn't happen yes it does but difficult)
My children are young and this is the time when you create a bond with them. From what i have seen once the kids turn 13-14 then they live in their own world they spend the majority of the time with their friends, not with their parents.

How many studies are their which states that dad who spends more time with their kids create a stronger bond? If today i gave up on them, when they grow old they might do the same with their children.

Dad's should not be considered as second class citizen when it comes to their children and yes if the the motive of the dad is to make mom miserable or control mom through their kids then thats another story.

You very much missed my point. It is MY opinion, that the fate of the children should be first and foremost - well before how possessions will be split. Sorry.

 

[Lookforward]

How is it different than what is going on right now? The kids are home with dad while mom is at work, then mom gets home. It really isn't any different than the children being in daycare in terms of their routine. Now granted, if mom and dad are hostile towards each other at exchanges then yes, it would be dreadful for the children. However if mom and dad can be at least as polite to each other as they would be to a daycare provider then I don't see the same problem that you see.

Plus, as long as dad is at home isn't he going to be providing after school (or all day until school gets back in session) care to the kids anyway on mom's days?

Ldji because in the long run, it's unsustainable. I become the daycare provider and she becomes the parent with fun time. I want to have a fun time and relax with my kids as well. Not to mention I will be solely responsible for their schooling for homework, for food, and everything in the middle.

Do you know how my life is currently? last week my kid went 4 minutes late in one of her E-learning classes and it was my fault i accidentally turned off the alarm and my spouse send me a text stating i should be more responsible and this is the reason why we are getting a divorce?


To the most part, we are still civil, however, I want to avoid contact with mom every day. This schedule means I am in contact with her 2ice a day and I really want to avoid it otherwise every day she will remind me what crappy food I am giving them, or the heat should be at 71 and not 70 degrees and that's why one of the kids coughed the other day.

 

[stealth2]

I'm sorry, but I have to laugh. 90% of the time, the primary parent does the heavy lifting, while the other parent gets to have fun time - it's called Disneyland Parenting. Nothing at all new about that. My ex got the kids 1 w/e per month, alternating holidays & school breaks, the majority of the summer. So yeah - I was left with all the "work" of raising our kids. And wouldn't change it for the world. Kids figure out which parent takes care of them & which one plays with them. I am proud to have been/be the former.

 

[Lookforward]

I'm sorry, but I have to laugh. 90% of the time, the primary parent does the heavy lifting, while the other parent gets to have fun time - it's called Disneyland Parenting. Nothing at all new about that. My ex got the kids 1 w/e per month, alternating holidays & school breaks, the majority of the summer. So yeah - I was left with all the "work" of raising our kids. And wouldn't change it for the world. Kids figure out which parent takes care of them & which one plays with them. I am proud to have been/be the former.

Stealth heavy lifting is not the issue here. The issue is that i would be dealing with my EX on a regular basis. An EX who is controlling and wants me to do things her way because her way is the right way.

Imagine how your stress level would be if you have to deal with your ex twice daily? Especially if the EX is fixated on fixing your issues not his/hers

 

[stealth2]

Stealth heavy lifting is not the issue here. The issue is that i would be dealing with my EX on a regular basis. An EX who is controlling and wants me to do things her way because her way is the right way.

Imagine how your stress level would be if you have to deal with your ex twice daily? Especially if the EX is fixated on fixing your issues not his/hers

LOL You don't know my ex. I just stopped giving him rent-free space in my head and mm-hmmm'd him.

ETA: Another good response is "Thank you for your input." *click*