Disagreement with guidelines

[LdiJ]

You are correct. She has a different opinion than I do. I have clarified, pointed, and did everything I could to help her understand the guidelines, also asked her to clarify with her attorney. But she does not budge. It was the same problem for the last several breaks and holidays. The net is I do not get the children on time or sometimes never get them because it is her way or the highway.

Then the judge will decide which of you is correct. However, I would have filed a motion to clarify the parenting time guidelines rather than contempt.

 

[Winsome]

doucar, I have an attorney who is involved in the case and consulted him. But day to day situations like these create a dilemma. The reason I try to reach out to you learned folks is to see a. whether I am on the wrong side of this, and b. if anyone who has been in this situation before can help guide me.

Sometimes it is difficult to know whether it is a serious issue or a trivial one. I appreciate the inputs from others, particularly those who reprimanded me. It also helps to set my peanut sized brain right.

 

[Winsome]

Then the judge will decide which of you is correct. However, I would have filed a motion to clarify the parenting time guidelines rather than contempt.

I know. I told my attorney to clarify with hers. He dislikes her attorney and put in a contempt. But in any case, I have loads of emails to my ex suggesting her to consult with her attorney. I am thinking it might help.

 

[LdiJ]

doucar, I have an attorney who is involved in the case and consulted him. But day to day situations like these create a dilemma. The reason I try to reach out to you learned folks is to see a. whether I am on the wrong side of this, and b. if anyone who has been in this situation before can help guide me.

Sometimes it is difficult to know whether it is a serious issue or a trivial one. I appreciate the inputs from others, particularly those who reprimanded me. It also helps to set my peanut sized brain right.

If you read through the guideline from start to finish, and pay particular attention to the commentary, you will see that the guidelines encourage parents to work together and have some flexibility...and to anticipate that it might not be possible to stick to a rigid schedule all of the time. Some judges in Indiana will simply order parents to follow the guidelines, and will refuse to clarify them if there are differences in opinion as to what the guidelines say. Others will happily clarify the guidelines and some others will even set rules outside of the guidelines if parents cannot or will not work together.

You stated that she told you two months ago that she needed that weekend and you insisted upon sticking to your interpretation of the guidelines rather than working things out so that she could have that weekend. I personally think, based on the spirit of the guidelines, that you were in the wrong for that.

 

[Winsome]

Understood. But to your point, I tried to work things out during those months. It appeared she was willing to follow the schedule I proposed, and she did for the spring break after much back and forth. But at the last minute refused to send the children last weekend.

I may also add, that when parents do not agree on schedules, it is better to stick to the guidelines for final say and to avoid miscommunication.

 

[LdiJ]

Understood. But to your point, I tried to work things out during those months. It appeared she was willing to follow the schedule I proposed, and she did for the spring break after much back and forth. But at the last minute refused to send the children last weekend.

I may also add, that when parents do not agree on schedules, it is better to stick to the guidelines for final say and to avoid miscommunication.

That only works if you agree on what the guidelines say. Much of the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines are a bit open to interpretation. Sometimes even attorneys do not agree on what they exactly say. Unfortunately, they were much more specific before the last revision.

 

[stealth2]

I really think you're going to get a surprise in court. Hope I'm wrong.

 

[Winsome]

I really think you're going to get a surprise in court. Hope I'm wrong.

How do you mean? You put this in suspense with a sense you know exactly what I am going to get.

 

[Winsome]

That only works if you agree on what the guidelines say. Much of the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines are a bit open to interpretation. Sometimes even attorneys do not agree on what they exactly say. Unfortunately, they were much more specific before the last revision.

What do we do if we do not agree. Does that mean one parent gets to call the shots and the other complies all the time for fear that s/he will be seen as lame and inflexible?

 

[stealth2]

How do you mean? You put this in suspense with a sense you know exactly what I am going to get.

I think the court will agree that Mom offered a replacement w/e and you refused it w/o offering another option. I certainly hope I'm wrong.

 

[LdiJ]

What do we do if we do not agree. Does that mean one parent gets to call the shots and the other complies all the time for fear that s/he will be seen as lame and inflexible?

You negotiate the best possible outcome you can negotiate that makes both parties ok with the situation. If you cannot do that, then you have to take it back to court. For example, mom notified you in advance that she needed that weekend. So, what I would have done is negotiated back and forth about which weekend you would take within a two month spread to make up for the missed weekend.

If it was a holiday then I would decide whether or not to say no and stick to the guidelines based on why she wanted the holiday. For example, if she wanted to visit her elderly grandmother for Christmas because grandma wasn't doing very well, but could not do so because of the somewhat screwy way that the guidelines divide Christmas, then I probably would have agreed to trade Christmas day for another holiday, and celebrated my Christmas with the kids on one of the other days during Christmas break. In fact, I know of many families in Indiana who throw out the Christmas Holiday Schedule and just divide Christmas break in half, flip flopping the first and second week every other year.

However, if she wanted Christmas Day for some trivial reason, then I might say no.

 

[doucar]

What do we do if we do not agree?
That means you get to spend a lot of time arguing, a lot of money on attorneys and the judge may decide a pox on both your houses and set very strict guidelines than neither side can deviate from, and who knows what those guidelines are or who may throw up his/her hands and say work it out, I am through. Which is why it is better to get advise from someone who knows how the judges think and act in your court.

 

[Winsome]

You negotiate the best possible outcome you can negotiate that makes both parties ok with the situation. If you cannot do that, then you have to take it back to court. For example, mom notified you in advance that she needed that weekend. So, what I would have done is negotiated back and forth about which weekend you would take within a two month spread to make up for the missed weekend.

If it was a holiday then I would decide whether or not to say no and stick to the guidelines based on why she wanted the holiday. For example, if she wanted to visit her elderly grandmother for Christmas because grandma wasn't doing very well, but could not do so because of the somewhat screwy way that the guidelines divide Christmas, then I probably would have agreed to trade Christmas day for another holiday, and celebrated my Christmas with the kids on one of the other days during Christmas break. In fact, I know of many families in Indiana who throw out the Christmas Holiday Schedule and just divide Christmas break in half, flip flopping the first and second week every other year.

However, if she wanted Christmas Day for some trivial reason, then I might say no.

thank you so much, this insight helps a lot.

 

[LdiJ]

thank you so much, this insight helps a lot.

You are welcome.

 

[Zigner]

It really sounds like your big argument against this is that "it's not fair that she gets to do it and I don't". The kids seem to come in second to your own desires.

EDIT: I'm just saying how it comes across...