Complicated custody

[panative]

My situation is rather complicated. To keep it as simple as possible, I live in PA and was with someone from 2009 until 2014. It was initially a long distance relationship with him being in CA. I moved there and we had our daughter in 2011. Having dealt with alot of emotional and mental abuse from my ex, I left for home with my daughter to get away from the relationship. After 3 months he convinced me to try again and he moved to pa. For obvious reasons it didn't work out and in late 2013 early 2014( not sure when exactly) he went back to CA after I broke it off for the last time. Initially my daughter was staying with me but again was convinced by him that we would do 50/50 custody with him taking her first. He left and after 3 months cut contact with me and wouldn't let me know where they were. I filed for custody in pa and after finding a location, drove to CA to serve him and retrieve my daughter. A while after bringing her back to pa, he signed the custody papers giving me primary custody and him the 2 months of summer. Over the next 8 years we had varied contact with my ex, all by his choice. There would be long periods of time where he wouldn't contact her with short periods of "lovebombing". Around when she was 8 or 9 he started with the mind games and was doing his best to poison this home for her. She went from being happy and carefree to wothfmdraw and resentful. At a certain point I felt like I was doing her more harm forcing her to stay here so I regretfully allowed her to move in with her father in CA. Over the last 3 years I went from being able to talk to her whenever to her not wanting to talk to me at all. And that brings us to now where he is asking for child support, something I never asked of him. We have never discussed anything in regards to it until recently when he demanded 400 a month and back pay( via text). I have not recieved any papers or summons from CA and I'm not sure what to make for the situation. Any advice would be helpful.

 

[stealth2]

My situation is rather complicated. To keep it as simple as possible, I live in PA and was with someone from 2009 until 2014. It was initially a long distance relationship with him being in CA. I moved there and we had our daughter in 2011. Having dealt with alot of emotional and mental abuse from my ex, I left for home with my daughter to get away from the relationship. After 3 months he convinced me to try again and he moved to pa. For obvious reasons it didn't work out and in late 2013 early 2014( not sure when exactly) he went back to CA after I broke it off for the last time. Initially my daughter was staying with me but again was convinced by him that we would do 50/50 custody with him taking her first. He left and after 3 months cut contact with me and wouldn't let me know where they were. I filed for custody in pa and after finding a location, drove to CA to serve him and retrieve my daughter. A while after bringing her back to pa, he signed the custody papers giving me primary custody and him the 2 months of summer. Over the next 8 years we had varied contact with my ex, all by his choice. There would be long periods of time where he wouldn't contact her with short periods of "lovebombing". Around when she was 8 or 9 he started with the mind games and was doing his best to poison this home for her. She went from being happy and carefree to wothfmdraw and resentful. At a certain point I felt like I was doing her more harm forcing her to stay here so I regretfully allowed her to move in with her father in CA. Over the last 3 years I went from being able to talk to her whenever to her not wanting to talk to me at all. And that brings us to now where he is asking for child support, something I never asked of him. We have never discussed anything in regards to it until recently when he demanded 400 a month and back pay( via text). I have not recieved any papers or summons from CA and I'm not sure what to make for the situation. Any advice would be helpful.

Well... whether you sought support from him or not, your daughter deserves your support. You could give him what he asks for, or you could run the numbers through a support calculator. Or... you could file yourself for orders covering support and parenting time. How often do you see your daughter?

 

[LdiJ]

My situation is rather complicated. To keep it as simple as possible, I live in PA and was with someone from 2009 until 2014. It was initially a long distance relationship with him being in CA. I moved there and we had our daughter in 2011. Having dealt with alot of emotional and mental abuse from my ex, I left for home with my daughter to get away from the relationship. After 3 months he convinced me to try again and he moved to pa. For obvious reasons it didn't work out and in late 2013 early 2014( not sure when exactly) he went back to CA after I broke it off for the last time. Initially my daughter was staying with me but again was convinced by him that we would do 50/50 custody with him taking her first. He left and after 3 months cut contact with me and wouldn't let me know where they were. I filed for custody in pa and after finding a location, drove to CA to serve him and retrieve my daughter. A while after bringing her back to pa, he signed the custody papers giving me primary custody and him the 2 months of summer. Over the next 8 years we had varied contact with my ex, all by his choice. There would be long periods of time where he wouldn't contact her with short periods of "lovebombing". Around when she was 8 or 9 he started with the mind games and was doing his best to poison this home for her. She went from being happy and carefree to wothfmdraw and resentful. At a certain point I felt like I was doing her more harm forcing her to stay here so I regretfully allowed her to move in with her father in CA. Over the last 3 years I went from being able to talk to her whenever to her not wanting to talk to me at all. And that brings us to now where he is asking for child support, something I never asked of him. We have never discussed anything in regards to it until recently when he demanded 400 a month and back pay( via text). I have not recieved any papers or summons from CA and I'm not sure what to make for the situation. Any advice would be helpful.

Personally, I would do nothing without a court order. If you give him money without a court order then it would not count as child support and he could go to court in a year and claim that you never paid him anything, and possibly get retroactive support order for the period you already paid. It protects everyone to have official orders.

I do agree that you should be supporting your daughter, despite the circumstances.

Has custody ever legally changed? Or do you still officially have custody on paper? He does have status quo and therefore could easily get custody legally changed if it was never changed, but that is an extra step he will have to take to get child support ordered.

You also need a court ordered parenting schedule so that she is spending time with you. It may seem like she doesn't want that, but it is really in her best interest.

 

[stealth2]

Personally, I would do nothing without a court order. If you give him money without a court order then it would not count as child support and he could go to court in a year and claim that you never paid him anything, and possibly get retroactive support order for the period you already paid. It protects everyone to have official orders.

I do agree that you should be supporting your daughter, despite the circumstances.

Has custody ever legally changed? Or do you still officially have custody on paper? He does have status quo and therefore could easily get custody legally changed if it was never changed, but that is an extra step he will have to take to get child support ordered.

You also need a court ordered parenting schedule so that she is spending time with you. It may seem like she doesn't want that, but it is really in her best interest.

I, too, wondered about whether custody was ever formally changed, but considering the difficult relationship between OP and her 13yo, forcing that issue may cause more problems than it solves...

 

[LdiJ]

I, too, wondered about whether custody was ever formally changed, but considering the difficult relationship between OP and her 13yo, forcing that issue may cause more problems than it solves...

Yes, but some time with mom, away from the influence of dad, might help change that dynamic. I am not suggesting that mom try to force the child back into mom's primary custody. I am just suggesting that some formal parenting time for mom is in order.

 

[stealth2]

Yes, but some time with mom, away from the influence of dad, might help change that dynamic. I am not suggesting that mom try to force the child back into mom's primary custody. I am just suggesting that some formal parenting time for mom is in order.

I don't disagree. Hoping Mom comes back and indicates what sort of parenting time she currently has/utilizes.

 

[zddoodah]

You didn't really ask a clear question, but the question that LdiJ needs to be answered.

The two of you have done an objectively terrible job of handling this situation, and I urge you to retain the services of a family law attorney in the CA county where your ex and daughter currently live.

 

[panative]

I realize I need to clarify some things. I'm not going to defend myself and say I did everything right. I know I could've done better, but any attempt to have a normal co-parenting relationship was met with hostility and alot of run around. I haven't had any contact with my daughter for the past year after a claim was made by my ex and I was told by him that she wanted space and would contact me again when she was ready. Due to the sensitive nature of the claim I was afraid to press her so I backed off. To be honest, dealing with my ex has been exhausting and he comes from a toxic family that believes I'm trash for trying to take her from them( i.e. having custody of her in pa) and that she needs to be with them her "real family". These things also played a part in my decision to wait for her to want contact. I technically still have custody of her but when she went to live with her dad we verbally agreed to switch and I would get her for the summers. The 1st and 2nd summer after she told me she didn't want to come out for her visits. I told her that was ok b/c I don't want to force her to do things. I know she is being told things by her dad and I don't want to add to her stress. I've never bad mouthed him to her and I stand by that decision. I refuse to play his games and won't use her in any way against him. This is why I'm here b/c after a year of no contact he is now trying to put the blame on me and is telling her I dont want her. Also, he is claiming I owe back pay and child support even though we never talked about it. I have no problem supporting my daughter but I want to know if it's possible to have any money I give go to an account only she can access or pay into it and she can have control at 18. Also if I've already filed here in pa, can he even file for support in CA? I apologize for the rambling but this has been going on for a long time and I've never been able to talk to anyone about this. I'm having trouble keeping my thoughts straight and I'm trying to be as detailed as I can.

 

[LdiJ]

I realize I need to clarify some things. I'm not going to defend myself and say I did everything right. I know I could've done better, but any attempt to have a normal co-parenting relationship was met with hostility and alot of run around. I haven't had any contact with my daughter for the past year after a claim was made by my ex and I was told by him that she wanted space and would contact me again when she was ready. Due to the sensitive nature of the claim I was afraid to press her so I backed off. To be honest, dealing with my ex has been exhausting and he comes from a toxic family that believes I'm trash for trying to take her from them( i.e. having custody of her in pa) and that she needs to be with them her "real family". These things also played a part in my decision to wait for her to want contact. I technically still have custody of her but when she went to live with her dad we verbally agreed to switch and I would get her for the summers. The 1st and 2nd summer after she told me she didn't want to come out for her visits. I told her that was ok b/c I don't want to force her to do things. I know she is being told things by her dad and I don't want to add to her stress. I've never bad mouthed him to her and I stand by that decision. I refuse to play his games and won't use her in any way against him. This is why I'm here b/c after a year of no contact he is now trying to put the blame on me and is telling her I dont want her. Also, he is claiming I owe back pay and child support even though we never talked about it. I have no problem supporting my daughter but I want to know if it's possible to have any money I give go to an account only she can access or pay into it and she can have control at 18. Also if I've already filed here in pa, can he even file for support in CA? I apologize for the rambling but this has been going on for a long time and I've never been able to talk to anyone about this. I'm having trouble keeping my thoughts straight and I'm trying to be as detailed as I can.

Your first mistake was letting her go live with dad instead of putting her in counseling to help her cope with the badmouthing and pressure from dad.

The second mistake was allowing her to skip the summer visits instead of visiting and also putting her in counseling during the summer months.

Because you didn't do either of the above the only influence that your daughter has had over the last few years is dad's and dad's family's influence.

It is proper for dad to decide to ask for child support. It is not proper that he is demanding it from you (along with back support) instead of filing in court.

PA has jurisdiction of the case. You simply need to tell dad that if he wants to make custody and parenting time official and enforceable, and to get child support, that he needs to file in PA to do so, since PA has jurisdiction of the case. Then as part of that case you need to ask the judge for enforceable parenting orders so that you and she have regular communication and time together...whether you think she wants that or not. She is what, 11 or 12 now? That is not anywhere near old enough to decide that she doesn't want to spend time with one of her parents.

 

[zddoodah]

I don't agree with this:

You simply need to tell dad that if he wants to make custody and parenting time official and enforceable, and to get child support, that he needs to file in PA to do so, since PA has jurisdiction of the case.

You don't "need" to tell him anything, and I'm not sure there's any value in conveying instructions about how to handle the case. LdiJ is correct that, since there has been no custody modification (the verbal agreement isn't particularly meaningful), PA still has jurisdiction. However, it will be very easy for the father to have jurisdiction changed to the CA county where he and the kid live.

Again, I urge you to retain the services of a family law attorney in the CA county where the father and kid live.

Last, please use paragraph breaks. Those long blocks of text are hard to read.

 

[LdiJ]

I don't agree with this:



You don't "need" to tell him anything, and I'm not sure there's any value in conveying instructions about how to handle the case. LdiJ is correct that, since there has been no custody modification (the verbal agreement isn't particularly meaningful), PA still has jurisdiction. However, it will be very easy for the father to have jurisdiction changed to the CA county where he and the kid live.

Again, I urge you to retain the services of a family law attorney in the CA county where the father and kid live.

Last, please use paragraph breaks. Those long blocks of text are hard to read.

I don't agree with retaining the services of an attorney in CA just yet. It is a big step to spend the money to retain an attorney and that should not be done until it is certain that a CA attorney is the one that needs to be retained. Dad may not be able to "easily" change jurisdiction to CA and may opt not to try in order to expedite the case. Jurisdiction in child custody cases often does NOT change if one of the parents still remains in the original jurisdiction. Many relocated custodial parents have had a very hard time trying to get custody changed to their new state of residence. We have seen quite a few of them on these forums...yes, even years after the relocation.