Ex's GF's house unstable environment.

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? New Hampshire

Here's another problem I'm hoping someone can help me with. I'll try to make this short but it will be very difficult to do so.

My ex-husband has been living with his girlfriend or fiance' (not sure because it keeps changing) for about 2 and 1/2 years now. Within this time I have received numerous emails from her telling me how badly my 8 year old son behaved while he was over there. She has 3 children of her own 2 boys (1 is 9 yrs and the other is 16yrs) and a girl who I believe to be around 12 years old. I would send emails back giving advise and attempting to help. THEN she continued send me emails putting down MY parenting implying that the reason my son acted up over there during visitation was because of ME! I must add that way she said my son behaves over there is nothing like the way he behaves in MY house.

There have been 3 incidences since my ex moved in with her that in my opinion would be under the catagory of DV regarding my son...AND in front of him as well.

1st incident was fairly minor...she yelled at my son for something and my ex stuck up for my son. She threw her engagement ring at the ex and kicked them both out. The ex returned 1 or 2 days later and I continued to allow my son to go there for his weekend visitations.

2nd incident was worse. She had asked me via email for advise on what healthy foods to feed my son because he is quite a picky eater. I told her to not give him anything that had even been anywhere near broccoli and a few other things because he will not eat it. She turned around and tried feeding him broccoli and then yelled at him for not eating it. My ex again stepped in and she threw hot tea at him (the ex) and then threw her cup at him. (Again in front of my son AND her children). Again they were kicked out.
The next day, I received an email from her. Here is a quote from that email:

"He is no longer allowed to come here. I cannot allow my children to be around him and hence believe that it is ok to act that way. I give kids many chances, especially Zach since Matt is his father but any child that comes here and cannot follow simple rules of behavior,respect,manners and get along then I am sorry to say that he can no longer come here. Matt is well aware of this and a few of my kids friends that run haywire and do not know that meaning of discipline do not come here. I am not a child psychologist but perhaps he needs to be evaluated for ADHD and/or other issues."

For the next few days I received more emails from her stating AGAIN that my son was no longer allowed in her house. And again, my ex returned to her within a few days.

When it came time for his weekend visitation my ex informed me that he would be taking my son to HER house and they were all going to a drive in movie. I told him that my son would not be going to her house and if he wanted his visitation he would need to take it at his (my ex's) parents house. He threatened to call the cops and have them come with him to pick up my son. This is not something that I wanted my son to see so I reluctantly agreed to allow him to go. I knew in the back of my mind that there would be another incident.

3rd Incident, my son got up in the middle of the night and woke up his father. His father went to tuck him back in. This is my son's account of what happened:

"Daddy was tucking me in and she came in and asked in a really mean way if I was all done with my 20 questions. Daddy told her to shut the F up and she
started beating on Daddy. Daddy picked me up and took me downstairs. She
followed up down and squirted glue on him and dumped water on him. Daddy was throwing chairs around in the kitchen calling her a psycho beep. We left and I didn't have my shoes or anything. We went to Nana and Papa's and didn't get there until after midnight."

I have told my ex that my son is no longer allowed to go to that house.
He has agreed so far and has been having his visitations at his parents house. BUT...he has told my son that if he wants to bring him over there he will.

Does anyone know what my legal recourse is here? Do you think it's possible for me to get a restraining / no contact order against her on behalf of my son in order to keep him out of that extremely unstable environment?

So what proof do you have besides an 8yo's say-so? Until you can PROVE to a judge that being around her is harmful, Dad is within his rights to spend his time where and with whom he chooses. You don't get to decide whether Dad gets his time or not.

Good Question

legalcuriosity said:

I noticed you said your ex moved in with his girlfriend. Has he officially established residence here or does he still maintain another address?

Reason I ask is because couldn't you insist that visitation occurs at HIS place of residence only? Or possibly seek a modification of custody/visitation to include such language?

Whatever you do, at least hold onto all emails and other correspondence she sends you. Print copies, back them up on floppy discs (in case your hard drive crashes). You'll want to keep these for future reference.

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After the 3rd incident..he moved out of her house and had been living with his parents. At this time I don't really know where his "actual" residence is. He has been very vague about the issue. I do know that when he is not excercising his visitations, he is usually at HER house.

I've got the email thing covered. I have double printed copies of all of her emails AND my replies to them. I saved them on my computer at home, sent them to my computer in my office and have also copied them to disc.

I was told by Dad as well.

stealth2 said:

So what proof do you have besides an 8yo's say-so? Until you can PROVE to a judge that being around her is harmful, Dad is within his rights to spend his time where and with whom he chooses. You don't get to decide whether Dad gets his time or not.

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I have talked to my son's dad about this issue and this incident did indeed occur. Also, I have never not allowed my son to see his father. They do love each other very much. I have "allowed" visitation to him above and beyond what is written in the court order.

My issue is...this woman appears to me and even my ex's parents to be a lunatic. Everyone agrees that it is in the best interest of my child not to be subject to her again...except my ex-husband who is so insecure he will do whatever he is told to do by his girlfriend/fiance' or whatever she is.

maybe your child is acting differently at her house (not that that excuses her outrageous behavior and attitudes towards the child) maybe it's hard for your child to go into the environment with those other kids, maybe there are issues between your child and the other kids or your child and SM.

I would think the best first move would be to have a meeting with dad to figure out what is going on with child and how to proceed from here.

Well, he's not likely to testify to that regard, is he? Until you can convince a judge that she's a danger - he can take the kid there all he likes.

Thank you

WANNACRY said:

maybe your child is acting differently at her house (not that that excuses her outrageous behavior and attitudes towards the child) maybe it's hard for your child to go into the environment with those other kids, maybe there are issues between your child and the other kids or your child and SM.

I would think the best first move would be to have a meeting with dad to figure out what is going on with child and how to proceed from here.

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Yes, my child does act differently over there. I have talked to my ex about it and have actually started going to counceling sessions with him so that he can understand that he needs to discipline my son when he does bad things and not coddle him and treat him as if he were 3 years old.

My problem is not just her. It is my ex and her together with the child. I can totally understand her frustrations...but I wish I could post up every email she has ever sent me and then you would understand what I'm talking about when I say she is a lunatic.

Here are the main problems...if you have a problem with something the other person is doing regarding the child and discipline, you DO NOT start screaming, flinging things, and having fist fights about it..especially in front of the child. When my boyfriend yells at my child for reasons that I do not agree with, I wait until the child is not present and tell him then. I don't freak out in front of my son.

The ONLY place there are problems are at her house. No problems at school, no problems when he sleeps over at friends house's. No problems with grandparents. No problems anywhere barring the normal issues of children. No child is a saint. I'm not saying that my son does nothing that demands discipline.

I simply do not want him in an environment where another incident such as those before can and will occur again.

Sorry for rambling.

Ljnsy said:

I simply do not want him in an environment where another incident such as those before can and will occur again.

Sorry for rambling.

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And that is not your call to make.

Emails

stealth2 said:

Well, he's not likely to testify to that regard, is he? Until you can convince a judge that she's a danger - he can take the kid there all he likes.

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I have lots and lots of emails from her. One of them blow by blow telling me about the thrown tea and cup incident.

stealth2 said:

And that is not your call to make.

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NO? I am the child's mother. The person who is responsible to protect my child against abuse whether it be physical and psychological.

They took my child, behind my back (as I stated in a previous post) to a psyhiatrist. She wants' him diagnosed with ADHD. He does not have it.
She wants him on drugs so she doesn't have to deal with him.

Actually!

stealth2 said:

Well, he's not likely to testify to that regard, is he? Until you can convince a judge that she's a danger - he can take the kid there all he likes.

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My ex-husband is an extremely honest person. He will NOT lie to a judge. I can guarantee it.

Ljnsy said:

NO? I am the child's mother. The person who is responsible to protect my child against abuse whether it be physical and psychological.

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And he is the child's father. Remember him? The one YOU chose? Now you've left it up to a judge to make these decisions.

Boy you're tough!

stealth2 said:

And he is the child's father. Remember him? The one YOU chose? Now you've left it up to a judge to make these decisions.

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Yes and I involve his father in everything I possibly can, including decision making that I DON'T HAVE to involve him in. I am very considerate of my ex's feelings about my son.

But it goes way overboard to allow my son to be in that type of volitile environment. These incidents have been escalating and I don't want to take the chance that the next one could be much much worse.

I understand what you are saying about the right of the father, but what about my child's rights not to go through that type of mental torture?

Do you think that getting a GAL to look at both sides of the issue and give their opinion on the matter would be a better thing to do?

A GAL's always an option - one you should expect to pay for.

stealth2 said:

A GAL's always an option - one you should expect to pay for.

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Well, I don't have much money, but hey...money isn't everything.