a truly bizzare situation please help!

[faithnlve]

Well, you telling her what your plans are seemed to have been the eye opener she needed to complete rehab. People have changed, but usually it's not until they lose something precious in life, and stick to making that change. I know how hard this is, I have a family member who has been hooked on heroin, and as nice a guy he is while off it, he is on the roller coaster of life. As for caring for your sister's child, I can understand your concerns for the child's well being 100%. As a social worker you can understand the pitfalls in drug addictions, and also I am sure you have witnessed the outcomes of children being taken from families due to the unfit environment they were living in. Your living in a catch 22 situation. You will get both sides of these issues with the rights to the child being with mom, the mom's rights as the bio mom which is protected constitutionally, and the rights for this child to live in a stable environment without abuses. I pretty well summed it up best I could for you in my last post. The best thing you could possibly do for all concerned is to get ahold of your sister's rehab place, get a GOOD family counselor one of phd or master level, and work together as a family, including the child with you and mom. By the way were is dad in all this? Just curious. Anyways, as good as it seems for this little girl being raised in a great supportive home such as yours, the outcome of the courts and all involved could be even more devastating for all. I don't believe relying mainly on others to make choices appropriately, especially judges with discretionary opinions. You may end up with a judge refusing you any rights once mom is clean and has proven herself enough where the courts have to warrant her child back. You need to step in and make sure all bases are covered for this little girl. You need to do this yourself through family counseling and a support group. This will enhance your best defense if and when it comes down to a battle of custody. As much as I hate saying it, children most of the time go back to these parents whom are not ready to raise children themselves. And usually its by way of the court system. Document all visits, how the visits went, how the child relates to you and kids, phone conversations, trips, school, doctors and so on. Whatever you do, do not ever alienate mom since she can turn on you as much as you may think she won't. This is her daughter, and I am sure she loves her. At least give mom the chance to prove herself. Write her letters, she is your sister, telling her your concerns. Dont get nasty, try and be supportive, it works better. If there is no chance of her getting better, then at least you have all the proof needed of the benefits this child has had in your care. Good luck Faith

 

[studly33]

thanks again to you all I appreciate all the posts. I have tried communicating with my sister and conversations usually end up with her hanging up on me after she begins screaming. I hate to leave things in the hands of the courts as well however I have no choice.

should things work themselves out so that the judge orders her to return to bio mom my wife and I as much as it would kill us would display a positive outward attitue for the childs sake and do our damndest to encourage her with the transitition. Also for your information we have not been discussing any of this in front of my niece but a couple weeks ago she told us that during a visit with her mom and here I'll use her words... "mommy told me that she will be talking to the boss who took me away and will be getting the boss to get me to go live with her again"....."but I told mommy I don't want to leave I want to live with my mom and dad".....(Meaning my wife and I)....."and mommy said oh that makes me really sad"**************we brought this story up in our pretrail and mom denied it.

I can understand sort of where my sister is coming from being a parent however I really feel that if one were to look at the bigger picture and think of the child and not our own needs that leaving her where she is is the best thing for her...esspecially since we are open to having the bio parents involved.

Someone asked where dad is. He is in rehab right now having just been released from prison. He has been in and out 5 times since we have had her in our care. And I am seriously considering that should he go back we will have to cut off his access as he has a pattern of wanting to be in her life when hes in prison but then tapers off upon release until he is not even calling for several months. For now however Dad is supporting her remaining with us. Both parents are taking us to court for an increase in visitation right now. Mom sees her on Saturday and tuesdays dad on sundays. Dad wants another day and mom wants weekends and overnights. We argue that we are trying to stabalize her and at the age of 5 spending 2 days with mom 2 with dad and not to meniton one with paternal grandparents is too much and how can see know where she fits in if ashe is being bounced so much...we are willing to offer a few hours on Saturday for mom and a few on SUnday for dad until my niece is older at which point we will look at overnights etc....so long as parents are stable.

 

[LdiJ]

Could we be overlooking something here? Normally if parents have not completed the required steps to have their children returned to them within about 18 months, then CPS normally terminates their parental rights. Is OP sure that his sister still has any parental rights? Because if she doesn't, she can't get the child back...ever.

 

[weenor]

Could we be overlooking something here? Normally if parents have not completed the required steps to have their children returned to them within about 18 months, then CPS normally terminates their parental rights. Is OP sure that his sister still has any parental rights? Because if she doesn't, she can't get the child back...ever.

Absolutely..I guess I was assuming that because she had filed something that her rights were not terminated..You know what happens when you assume

 

[Zephyr]

Could we be overlooking something here? Normally if parents have not completed the required steps to have their children returned to them within about 18 months, then CPS normally terminates their parental rights. Is OP sure that his sister still has any parental rights? Because if she doesn't, she can't get the child back...ever.

I wonder if that rule is different, or stretched when the child is with family rather than just a random foster home? just a thought

 

[wtk8j]

I wonder if that rule is different, or stretched when the child is with family rather than just a random foster home? just a thought

We were told by the cps worker on my sd case that even when sd moves inwith myself and dad that mom still must complete her case plan with in 12 months of the child being removed from her home or at 15 months they will start the proceedings to tpr.Ofcourse there is a sibling involved who will be placed with us. Next time I speak with our worker I will try to get him to give us some clarification on that.

 

[studly33]

CPS was going back to court to terminate parental rights and have my niece in thier care permanetly. Rather than have her in care of tyhe state my wife and I applied for Legal Gaurdianship. So this means she can take us to court to request that the gaurdianship order be cancelled.

 

[studly33]

some people have told me I need to get a parent child assessment or something like this. Do any of you know what this is or what it entails and who do I need to contact for something like this.

 

[jbttck]

Advice

Hello,

I have to admit I didn't read all of the post here but here is my advice coming from someone that has been where you are.

I have 3 adopted children, 1 biological, custody of 2, and guardianship of 2. (Yep, that's 8) The two I have custody of were my foster children, mom (after 4 years) agreed to the same legal custody through CPS that I assume you have of your niece. The two I have guardianship of, their mom is an addict that is a friend of mine. She left them with me when she relapsed. Now, hopefully your not confused already.

With the two that I have custody of...I still let their mom see them. I know she has issues that she is not able to be the parent she should (not drugs), but I know she loves them. As long as she is not harmful to the kids I will encourage a relationship between them. She was good enough to share them with me, and I will return the same.

The two I have guardianship of (ages 5, and 2) where drugs are involved, I do let have phone contact, and letters from their mom. (She is over 4 hrs away.) I will let her have visits with them here at my house right now because she is still using off and on, and in and out of jail. I have told her if she gets clean, and gets a place to live I will allow visits at her house. I won't give the kids back because she had the 5 yr old back once and relapsed again after 7 months, but I'll let her be part of their lives.

I have bought a cartoon tape on drugs for the 5 year old and explained to her how her mommy is sick and why she can't live with her again. She knows this is not her fault and that her mommy does love her. It is easier to tell the truth than to keep making excuses when mommy is in the "hospital" (jail) or "doesn't call because there is no phone" (out running on the streets.) You will be suprised at how much a 5 year old understands. Complete honesty is the best policy to avoid confusion.

I know it is a pain to do visits, but you have to look at it like something that you are doing for your niece. Just think of it as a "divorced" situation. Visits usually occur 2x a week and every other weekend there. Maybe your sister would agree to longer Saturday visits instead of 2x a week.

Long story short...I could terminate her rights, and adopt these kids but I know she does love them. She just can't raise them. In dealing with an addict you have to realize that if you take their children completely away, you take away their reason for trying to get clean. I have the kids, they are safe and loved. There is no need to adopt them to make them mine. They are already mine, but they know they are hers also.

As long as your sister thinks you want to "take" (meaning the adoption word) her child, she will not cooperate with you. I know it gets hard to be the one doing all of the work while she gets to say "it's my daughter...." but try to remember she is sick and you aren't. You are the better person in this situation, and unfortunately that means you have to be the bigger person.

Sorry my post is so long, but I'm sure you know how much time and effort goes into dealing with an addict. (And children for that matter.)

Hope this helps.

 

[jbttck]

18 month law

Could we be overlooking something here? Normally if parents have not completed the required steps to have their children returned to them within about 18 months, then CPS normally terminates their parental rights. Is OP sure that his sister still has any parental rights? Because if she doesn't, she can't get the child back...ever.

By the way, this is the law but it rarely ever happens. From my involvement as a foster parent, believe me it's not that simple. This law is left to the "discretion of the judge." If the parent has a couple of visits the judge usually decides they are making an effort.

Everyone was so excited about this law but it ended up being a joke (at least in our area.) Ask a caseworker, they'll probably laugh and say yeah right.

 

[ptrc]

You're Right!!!! There Was A Child In Indiana That Was Going Thru The Same Thing And She Ended Up Dead At 4 Years Old. Deal With The Issues Of Her Hating You Later- At Least She Will Still Be Alive And Safe.don't Risk The Life Of A Child For Fear Of Doing The Wrong Thing. If The Mother Pushes For It Later, Let The Courts Decide(but Do What You Can) At Least That Way You Still Did What You Thought What Was Best For Her.

 

[studly33]

It looks like well fi

 

[studly33]

another question

for whatever reason my last post didn't seem to go up. What I was wanting to say was that we got a call this weekend from bio dad telling us that one of the counsellors at his rehab program told him it was a good thing he is no longer involved with my sister as she is selling drugs at a shopping mall downtown.

this is the sister who is saying she is clean now and is taking us to court for increased access and to terminate gaurdianship. I guess my problem is that although I do believe him as I have been wondering where she is getting all her money from...(she is on welfare but always has lots of money) but how would i prove this...where do i go from here.

 

[studly33]

we are getting a new lawyer this week and will be proceeding with our application to adopt...not sure where this puts the whole question about bio parents increased access......dad is back in prision as of last week and mom has cancelled two of her last three visits.

 

[studly33]

Hello everyone. I'm real nervous this morning we have court this afternoon where a judge will decide the issue of access. Basically her argument is that we aren't providing enough and were saying we are giving enough and plan to adopt. She lied in her affidavid and said we've been cancelling visits the truth is we cancelled one because of a dentist appoitnment but immediatly rescheduled it. however she has cancelled several visits in the last couple of months. We have documented all of this and have stated specifics in our affidavid. Still can't help but be nervous when the decision is in someone elses hands. My question is If a judge awards her more access even though we are pursing an adoption if the adoption ends up going through do we have to continue to provide the same level of access?

Thanks for your time and help..