Abusive Ex chasing for custody

[OrageMouse]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Carolina

I live in North Carolina and recently entered into a custody battle with my abusive ex husband after filing for divorce. We have one child, a little girl age 7.


We were married for almost ten years, he was highly abusive, physically and verbally. He killed many of my pets, forced me to watch him have sex with other people, held a gun to my head and many other horrible things. He has an alcohol and substance abuse problem, which I have proof of in the form of text messages. I was too afraid to call the police on him because he told me that as soon as he got out of jail he would kill me, so I have only a few records of his abuse, in the form of text messages and a few pictures, though no police reports.

I left him two years ago when he moved another woman into our house and called her his second wife. I saved up money and moved several states away to be with family, taking the child with me. He had no objections to me leaving, and I have a witness to that fact.

I have been the sole caretaker of the child for two years, he has not sent any support, and I did not go after it due to fear of retaliation. He calls the child sporadically, and has only seen her a handful of times. He stayed in the other state until I filed for divorce and custody earlier this year after he sent me text messages saying he was going to come take the child and that he was going to kill himself.

The divorce was granted and I was granted temporary custody.He moved here without warning after that, and rented a home in the next county over, in a very bad neighborhood. There was a large drug raid across the street from his home just a few days ago and a sex offender lives on the street. I am afraid for our child to be in that home.

The temporary order states that I have custody, and visitation is to be worked out by agreement. I have offered him many times to see the child, offering to pack a picnic for the park or to go out to dinner. He refuses to see the child unless I give her to him overnight, which I do not feel safe doing. He has had four months since the temporary order to see her, and still refuses. He only sees her by going to school and having lunch with her, which he has only done four times in five months. I continue to offer visitation which he does not take. In this time he has taken a two week vacation out of state and bought a brand new car.

I have been the sole caretaker and provider of our child for two years, and was her primary caretaker when we were married. He did not change diapers or take her to do fun things as he called that 'womens work' and has already said that he will rely on his current live in girlfriend to care for her. I have been the one to build us a life from little, I take her to church every Sunday, we have a family fun night, I take her to visit extended family regularly, I pay for all of her medical and dental bills, everything since she was 5. I rented a house in a specific location just to be in the best school district I could. She makes great grades, loves her school and teachers and has lots of friends. She is very happy and has a good life finally away from the violence.

My question is this, he hired a lawyer last week and filed for temporary joint custody and permanent joint custody as well as child support and spousal support. He is requesting custody be split by alternating weeks. He also filed thirty pages of requests for documents and other things, asking for my emails, texts, phone records, social media accounts and computer data for the last two years. There are many errors in the paper work I was served, including his name being incorrect, my county of residence being incorrect, a subpoena for records from said wrong county and many spelling errors. I am very confused about my entire case, what chance he has of being granted 50/50 and what impact all of the mistakes in his paperwork will have on the case.

I am fine with him having visitation with our child if he is serious about being in her life, but so far its only been sporadic and when he feels like it. I don't think that an alternating week schedule is a good idea for a young school child when he lives over 30 minutes away from her school. Ive proposed every other weekend with a midweek dinner "date" if he can prove that he is staying sober, and he turned it down saying he wont settle for less than 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support. He says that he is going to get me for contempt of court for not letting him take the child. Anyway, this was very long and I'm looking for advice on what to do with my case and how to proceed. My lawyer is of little help, and rarely answers my calls which is why I've come here. We have court next week and I am terrified of what is going to happen to the stable, happy life my little girl has.

 

[LdiJ]

I strongly recommend that you edit your post to create paragraphs and double space between the paragraphs to create some white space. Otherwise, your post is just too hard to read. I gave up after the first few lines.

 

[not2cleverRed]

First determine if he filed in the correct county.

It is in your best interest to legally respond to his petition - whether or not you retain a lawyer.

 

[OrageMouse]

I am not familiar with the formatting here, is that any better?

He filed in the correct county, however the motion to release county child protective services records was filed to the wrong county. My county of residence is also incorrect in his paperwork.

 

[Silverplum]

The little errors can be corrected. (My H's ex filed papers once with her name misspelled.)

 

[LdiJ]

I am not familiar with the formatting here, is that any better?

He filed in the correct county, however the motion to release county child protective services records was filed to the wrong county. My county of residence is also incorrect in his paperwork.

Thank you for editing your post. You did that very well.

At this point, I really think that you need an attorney. Based on the fact that he has had so little contract with the child for the last two years and based on the fact that you are already divorced he should not be able to win a 50/50 timeshare, child support or spousal support. However, based on the fact that he has an attorney who is actually willing to attempt to obtain those things really means that you need an attorney too.

 

[OrageMouse]

Thank you for letting me know my editing helped! The original was hard on the eyes.

I currently have a lawyer, though I am starting to question his abilities. He rarely speaks with me, does not answer my calls for days unless I repeatedly call his office and has left me wondering what is going to happen with my case. I have used up almost all of my savings on paying him. I have a good job and make enough to support myself and daughter, but not enough to run out and hire a new lawyer. I have talked to family about borrowing money to hire a new lawyer, and the amount I could borrow is barely enough to talk to another lawyer.

My ex is unemployed and is borrowing money from the wealthy side of his family to pay his lawyer as well as his living expenses.

 

[OrageMouse]

The short of what I'm asking is how likely he is to get 50/50 and or child support with his history?

I wish he would step up and be a good dad, for the sake of our little girl. I don't want to see him let her down time and time again like he has before. She loves him even after living with his violence and he has a chance to make things better, even though I doubt he will. I just want to make sure she is safe and her life remains stable. She is kind and intelligent and has a great future ahead of her and I don't want him to mess that up by choosing his wants over her needs.

 

[commentator]

Okay, your attorney is to help you in court, not to counsel you and reassure you beforehand, or to guarantee to tell you what is most likely to happen or what is going to happen. If you call them a lot, without a lot of reason, they avoid you a lot. Their time and advice is what they will bill you for, would you like to pay by the call for every time you call when nothing's going on and you just want to talk about it? Or you remember something new you'd like to throw in?

But it is very important that you have that attorney. You need them to walk you through the court system. Are you SURE you need a hand patter? You would probably be wasting your time and money to get a new attorney based on what you've said here. Essentially you've just told us all the reasons, nicely slanted in your favor, by your arguments and your lights and your way of looking at it, why you should get everything and the courts should simply tell this man to go away. But the courts will also want to hear from both parents. He can tell stories too. He will get an equal listen.

He of course will have a slightly different view of how things have gone down in the last few years. And there is no way we on a forum, or even your attorney can tell you how good your chances are or what will happen when you get to court.

Let the attorney do the talking for you. I detect that you feel that if you can just tell your story of the abuse and the trouble you have gone to and what has happened to you and what a wonderful parent you are, yada yada...they'll believe you and just tell him to go away. But that all may be a little off-putting. Seriously, the adjective "abusive" has been over used in custody battles to the extent that you need to cut back on using it.

Let your attorney represent you and try to wait and see without so much second guessing and anxiety. Your child is picking up on this by the bucket load. This has got to be really interfering with her "happy and well adjusted" state. Is she in counseling? That would certainly be good for your side.

 

[Silverplum]

Okay, your attorney is to help you in court, not to counsel you and reassure you beforehand, to tell you what is LIKELY to happen or what is going to happen. If you call them a lot, they avoid you a lot. Their time and advice is what they will bill you for, would you like to pay by the call for every time you call when nothing's going on and you just want to talk about it? But it is very important that you have that attorney. You need them to walk you through the court system. Are you SURE you need a hand patter? You would probably be wasting your time and money to get a new attorney based on what you've said here. Essentially you've just told us all the reasons, nicely slanted in your favor, by your arguments and your lights and your way of looking at it, why you should get everything and the courts should simply tell this man to go away.

He of course will have a slightly different view of how things have gone down in the last few years. But there is no way we on a forum, or even your attorney can tell you how good your chances are or what will happen when you get to court. Let the attorney do the talking for you. I detect that you feel that if you can just tell your story of the abuse and the trouble you have gone to and what has happened to you and what a wonderful parent you are, yada yada...but that all may be a little off putting. Let your attorney represent you and try to wait and see without so much second guessing and anxiety. Your child is picking up on this by the bucket load. Is she in counseling? That would certainly be good for your side.

The fact that Mom has never reported Dad for the alleged abuse is good for several points on Dad's side. No proof: didn't happen.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Second commentator's advice, with one caveat: your lawyer *should* keep you up to date on the things out NEED to know... Such as, court dates, and what the court date is about.

You communications, at this point, should be limited to things relevant to your case.

For example, for the response to what your ex has filed, hopefully you provided your lawyer in writing, that you "reject" the terms, and short reason why. Your lawyer can inform you of whether your reasoning has a legal basis, on what is the correct legal argument to make in order to get there.

Example: You ex has asked for spousal support. You might be tempted to react, "Well, that's rich, considering he hasn't paid a dime of child support" - but that would be irrelevant, considering that you didn't apply for child support. But if your ex was the primary wage earner during your marriage, that would be relevant.

BTW, just as he has asked for a laundry list of things from you, so can you. Both sides can also reject requests, or simply not comply - a judge might agree or disagree that the things being asked for are justified. Furthermore, even if you respond to the request, to the best of your ability, the other side can choose to reject it - and there may, or may NOT be consequences. Depends on the circumstances, and the judge. Complying with requests for information can be costly. It is possible to go to trial and have >99% of the information ignored. But that <1% might be all you need.

 

[OrageMouse]

I'll try to address the questions in order as best as I can.

I'm not looking for a hand patter when it comes to an attorney, I would just prefer a heads up when something is going on. My lawyer doesn't go over anything with me, he hasn't even asked for evidence or discussed it with me. I have essentially put together my own case and he's just presenting it. My lawyer is also bad about keeping up to date with me, when my ex filed it took my lawyer two weeks to even notify me and now I have very little time to prepare. I've never had to use a lawyer before, so I'm not exactly sure what to expect. A family member who went through a custody case said that their lawyer was much more involved, told them what documents to get, and outlined reasonable expectations for the case. Maybe my expectations are off? As I said, I honestly do not know what to expect from a lawyer. I have no problem paying for my lawyers time, I'd pay for every phone call if it meant I felt my lawyer was keeping me up to date and prepared, even if it means borrowing money.

Yes my ex will have his turn in court to speak, and his view will be slightly different. It's always that way when couples split. I did not report him for the violence because at the time he had me convinced that he would hurt me very badly. He had two friends on the police force and had me convinced he would use them to punish me if I called. He also told me that if he ever went to jail because of me, he would make me regret it, whatever that means. I chose to bide my time, save my money and leave once he had a new girl to focus his abuse on. As terrible as that sounds, I felt at the time it was the best choice. I know now that is not the case, but abuse can do terrible things to your thinking.

As far as evidence of the abuse, I do not have any police reports but I do have text messages and emails were he threatens me, as well as admitting to various acts of violence against animals and myself. I also have several where he threatens to kill himself if I don't come back to him.

I have no problem handing over the information requested, such as emails, text messages, computer data, and cell phone logs, although it is going be quite the hassle to gather everything from the last two years. I just don't understand what the request was made for. Why is all of that information being requested? I would think with all of the threatening messages he has sent me that would be bad? My lawyer has not told me to object to anything. He simply told me that I have 30 days to fill out the paper and gather the documents.

My ex requested child support and spousal support. He quit his job to go on a two week, out of state vacation and is now unemployed. Does behavior like this get considered, or is it just about who makes the most money?

 

[LdiJ]

I'll try to address the questions in order as best as I can.

I'm not looking for a hand patter when it comes to an attorney, I would just prefer a heads up when something is going on. My lawyer doesn't go over anything with me, he hasn't even asked for evidence or discussed it with me. I have essentially put together my own case and he's just presenting it. My lawyer is also bad about keeping up to date with me, when my ex filed it took my lawyer two weeks to even notify me and now I have very little time to prepare. I've never had to use a lawyer before, so I'm not exactly sure what to expect. A family member who went through a custody case said that their lawyer was much more involved, told them what documents to get, and outlined reasonable expectations for the case. Maybe my expectations are off? As I said, I honestly do not know what to expect from a lawyer. I have no problem paying for my lawyers time, I'd pay for every phone call if it meant I felt my lawyer was keeping me up to date and prepared, even if it means borrowing money.

Yes my ex will have his turn in court to speak, and his view will be slightly different. It's always that way when couples split. I did not report him for the violence because at the time he had me convinced that he would hurt me very badly. He had two friends on the police force and had me convinced he would use them to punish me if I called. He also told me that if he ever went to jail because of me, he would make me regret it, whatever that means. I chose to bide my time, save my money and leave once he had a new girl to focus his abuse on. As terrible as that sounds, I felt at the time it was the best choice. I know now that is not the case, but abuse can do terrible things to your thinking.

As far as evidence of the abuse, I do not have any police reports but I do have text messages and emails were he threatens me, as well as admitting to various acts of violence against animals and myself. I also have several where he threatens to kill himself if I don't come back to him.

I have no problem handing over the information requested, such as emails, text messages, computer data, and cell phone logs, although it is going be quite the hassle to gather everything from the last two years. I just don't understand what the request was made for. Why is all of that information being requested? I would think with all of the threatening messages he has sent me that would be bad? My lawyer has not told me to object to anything. He simply told me that I have 30 days to fill out the paper and gather the documents.

My ex requested child support and spousal support. He quit his job to go on a two week, out of state vacation and is now unemployed. Does behavior like this get considered, or is it just about who makes the most money?

The fact that he recently quit a job will not be in his favor. He can be imputed an income based on what he was making at that job, or what he is capable of making.

 

[commentator]

Your attorney has said you have thirty days to get things together. Then you progress from there. But when you get to court do not be surprised if they do not want to hear much of the detailed case you have so meticulously prepared. Or if they don't show any interest in looking at a bunch of threatening text messages from several years ago that you didn't call the police about at the time.

He may have killed his puppy when he was a child. He may have threatened suicide. He may be a very sorry person and a bad candidate for custody, quitting his job to go on vacation and being unemployed isn't a great sign he's responsible. The courts may see this. But do remember, in many situations, less detail and more to the point is the most effective presentation.