Best way to handle domestic assault charge? (Virginia)

[piccolo]

To make a long story as short as possible, I live with my girlfriend and our baby in Virginia. We got into a heated argument a few days ago over unimportant matters. Then the next day I attempted to take the baby out for one of our usual walks. Still being angry, she tried to refuse and say I couldn't and wound up grabbing the baby and physically restraining me from taking her. I reached in to try to pick her up and in the process made light physical contact with my girlfriend. I am sure you hear that kind of phrase all the time from actual woman beaters but please believe me... it was quite a light merging of bodies and I have never laid hands on any woman like that.

Anyway she immediately called the cops saying I shoved her and you can imagine how that turned out for me. I foolishly was honest and told them I did make light contact with her which they're using as an admission of guilt for assault. They lied to us and said they were going to take her and the baby to the police station for safe keeping overnight but they were really taking her to get her statement and get a warrant for my arrest. She didn't even know they were going to arrest me until after they coerced her into writing down her version of events. She and they both said she begged them not to arrest me (because she knows it was BS and just wanted to scare me or whatever) but apparently in this state it's no longer up to the victim to drop domestic assault charges because there were too many instances of wives being convinced to do it against their wills that wound up getting way worse. That totally makes sense but sucks for guys like me.

My girlfriend and I made up really quickly the next day and now we're both just wondering what, if anything, we can do to make these charges go away. Apparently it's up to the prosecutor how to proceed. Do I need a lawyer or is my girlfriends support and lack of willingness to testify against me gonna be enough? Could she get into legal trouble herself if she recants her story and says I did not shove her? Any advice is very much appreciated!

 

[LdiJ]

To make a long story as short as possible, I live with my girlfriend and our baby in Virginia. We got into a heated argument a few days ago over unimportant matters. Then the next day I attempted to take the baby out for one of our usual walks. Still being angry, she tried to refuse and say I couldn't and wound up grabbing the baby and physically restraining me from taking her. I reached in to try to pick her up and in the process made light physical contact with my girlfriend. I am sure you hear that kind of phrase all the time from actual woman beaters but please believe me... it was quite a light merging of bodies and I have never laid hands on any woman like that.

Anyway she immediately called the cops saying I shoved her and you can imagine how that turned out for me. I foolishly was honest and told them I did make light contact with her which they're using as an admission of guilt for assault. They lied to us and said they were going to take her and the baby to the police station for safe keeping overnight but they were really taking her to get her statement and get a warrant for my arrest. She didn't even know they were going to arrest me until after they coerced her into writing down her version of events. She and they both said she begged them not to arrest me (because she knows it was BS and just wanted to scare me or whatever) but apparently in this state it's no longer up to the victim to drop domestic assault charges because there were too many instances of wives being convinced to do it against their wills that wound up getting way worse. That totally makes sense but sucks for guys like me.

My girlfriend and I made up really quickly the next day and now we're both just wondering what, if anything, we can do to make these charges go away. Apparently it's up to the prosecutor how to proceed. Do I need a lawyer or is my girlfriends support and lack of willingness to testify against me gonna be enough? Could she get into legal trouble herself if she recants her story and says I did not shove her? Any advice is very much appreciated!

Not only can she get in legal trouble herself, but CPS could get involved and take the baby for failure to protect on her part. Your altercation was over the baby and that is one of the reasons why the police are taking it so seriously. You tried to forcibly take the baby and that is what resulted in the contact. The fact that she made up with you instead of staying away from you ups that risk as well.

The safest thing for her and the baby (and maybe for you too) is for the two of you to stay completely away from each other until at least your legal issues are resolved. Otherwise, its going to look like you coerced/forced her into recanting her story.

 

[adjusterjack]

Do I need a lawyer

Yes.

is my girlfriends support and lack of willingness to testify against me gonna be enough?

No.

Could she get into legal trouble herself if she recants her story and says I did not shove her?

Yes.

Perjury is a crime.

Any advice is very much appreciated!

Get a lawyer and stop talking. You're only digging yourself deeper.

 

[Just Blue]

To make a long story as short as possible, I live with my girlfriend and our baby in Virginia. We got into a heated argument a few days ago over unimportant matters. Then the next day I attempted to take the baby out for one of our usual walks. Still being angry, she tried to refuse and say I couldn't and wound up grabbing the baby and physically restraining me from taking her. I reached in to try to pick her up and in the process made light physical contact with my girlfriend. I am sure you hear that kind of phrase all the time from actual woman beaters but please believe me... it was quite a light merging of bodies and I have never laid hands on any woman like that.

Anyway she immediately called the cops saying I shoved her and you can imagine how that turned out for me. I foolishly was honest and told them I did make light contact with her which they're using as an admission of guilt for assault. They lied to us and said they were going to take her and the baby to the police station for safe keeping overnight but they were really taking her to get her statement and get a warrant for my arrest. She didn't even know they were going to arrest me until after they coerced her into writing down her version of events. She and they both said she begged them not to arrest me (because she knows it was BS and just wanted to scare me or whatever) but apparently in this state it's no longer up to the victim to drop domestic assault charges because there were too many instances of wives being convinced to do it against their wills that wound up getting way worse. That totally makes sense but sucks for guys like me.

My girlfriend and I made up really quickly the next day and now we're both just wondering what, if anything, we can do to make these charges go away. Apparently it's up to the prosecutor how to proceed. Do I need a lawyer or is my girlfriends support and lack of willingness to testify against me gonna be enough? Could she get into legal trouble herself if she recants her story and says I did not shove her? Any advice is very much appreciated!

1. You very likely have a TRO barring you from contact with your girlfriend. I highly suggest you inquire about this.
2. The police are not referees for your relationship games. If one calls the police and reports abuse, they WILL act upon that report.
3. Yes, you need a Criminal Defense Attorney.
4. Yes, of course she could get in trouble if she lies ... why would you think otherwise?
And, most importantly, 5:

You two are supposed to be parents...You both need to grow up and think of your poor baby that you brought into this world. The baby should not be used as a freaking tool in your childish arguments!
Plan on dealing with Child Protective Services for the next year because of this...and possibly child endangerment charges as well.

 

[piccolo]

1. You very likely have a TRO barring you from contact with your girlfriend. I highly suggest you inquire about this.
2. The police are not referees for your relationship games. If one calls the police and reports abuse, they WILL act upon that report.
3. Yes, you need a Criminal Defense Attorney.
4. Yes, of course she could get in trouble if she lies ... why would you think otherwise?
And, most importantly, 5:

You two are supposed to be parents...You both need to grow up and think of your poor baby that you brought into this world. The baby should not be used as a freaking tool in your childish arguments!
Plan on dealing with Child Protective Services for the next year because of this...and possibly child endangerment charges as well.

1 - There is a non-violent contact protective order but we are still allowed to be around each other. We live together.
2 - Not sure why you're lecturing me on what the cops do. I did not call them.
4 - Not a lie, just a different, more accurate retelling of events where there was accidental contact and no intentional shove. The truth.
5 - Thanks for yet another lecture. I thought this place was for legal advice? I did not and never would use my baby as a "freaking tool" in any argument. All I did was try to take her for a walk. Where are you getting this utter nonsense from?

 

[Zigner]

All I did was try to take her for a walk. Where are you getting this utter nonsense from?

No, you tried to forcibly remove her from the arms of her mother.

 

[adjusterjack]

I thought this place was for legal advice?

You got it.

The part that says stop talking and get a lawyer.

You can ignore the rest.

 

[piccolo]

No, you tried to forcibly remove her from the arms of her mother.

The baby was on our bed when I reached down to pick her up. Please stop assuming things.

 

[piccolo]

Yes.



No.



Yes.

Perjury is a crime.



Get a lawyer and stop talking. You're only digging yourself deeper.

Contacted a lawyer I will see him this afternoon thanks. One question about what you said. Is it perjury if she told the cops the wrong information to begin with? I thought it was only perjury if you lie in court. The truth of the matter is there was no intentional shove involved.

 

[LdiJ]

1 - There is a non-violent contact protective order but we are still allowed to be around each other. We live together.
2 - Not sure why you're lecturing me on what the cops do. I did not call them.
4 - Not a lie, just a different, more accurate retelling of events where there was accidental contact and no intentional shove. The truth.
5 - Thanks for yet another lecture. I thought this place was for legal advice? I did not and never would use my baby as a "freaking tool" in any argument. All I did was try to take her for a walk. Where are you getting this utter nonsense from?

You did use your daughter as a tool. Instead of backing off when mom was still clearly upset, you tried to force the matter. You tried to assert authority instead of backing off. There was absolutely no reason for you to do that, other than temper and ego. You are not the boss, but you acted as if you believe that you are the boss.

Unfortunately dad, that is one of the warning signs of domestic violence. While you may not have intended to shove mom, your attempt to force your way caused the shove. Trying to get mom to recant her story with the police is also a warning sign. Again, it would be in the best interest of all of you to spend some time apart until you get your legal issues under control. You would also do much better with the court if you show sincere remorse for what happened, and go to counseling to demonstrate a sincerity in not wanting it to happen again, rather than trying to get mom to change her story to convince the authorities that you didn't do anything wrong.

You unfortunately did do something wrong. You didn't back down and back off like you should have done. Mom was likely in the wrong too, but she isn't the one in trouble at this point, you are. However, the actions that both you and she take from here on could result in both of you being in trouble and your baby being in foster care.

 

[LdiJ]

Contacted a lawyer I will see him this afternoon thanks. One question about what you said. Is it perjury if she told the cops the wrong information to begin with? I thought it was only perjury if you lie in court. The truth of the matter is there was no intentional shove involved.

She didn't give the cops the wrong information to begin with. She told the cops what she felt in the moment. Maybe in hindsight she feels like she overreacted, particularly if you have convinced her that you didn't mean it, but she told the cops what she felt in the moment. Whether you agree with it or not, the cops, prosecutors and judges find what someone felt in the moment to be much more credible than what they might feel in hindsight.

 

[piccolo]

She didn't give the cops the wrong information to begin with. She told the cops what she felt in the moment. Maybe in hindsight she feels like she overreacted, particularly if you have convinced her that you didn't mean it, but she told the cops what she felt in the moment. Whether you agree with it or not, the cops, prosecutors and judges find what someone felt in the moment to be much more credible than what they might feel in hindsight.

No, she fully acknowledges that she told them I shoved her intentionally when she knew I did not. Hence she gave the cops false information. I did not have to convince her of anything. She was begging the cops not to arrest me all on her own once she found out that's what they intended to do.

 

[piccolo]

You did use your daughter as a tool. Instead of backing off when mom was still clearly upset, you tried to force the matter. You tried to assert authority instead of backing off. There was absolutely no reason for you to do that, other than temper and ego. You are not the boss, but you acted as if you believe that you are the boss.

Unfortunately dad, that is one of the warning signs of domestic violence. While you may not have intended to shove mom, your attempt to force your way caused the shove. Trying to get mom to recant her story with the police is also a warning sign. Again, it would be in the best interest of all of you to spend some time apart until you get your legal issues under control. You would also do much better with the court if you show sincere remorse for what happened, and go to counseling to demonstrate a sincerity in not wanting it to happen again, rather than trying to get mom to change her story to convince the authorities that you didn't do anything wrong.

You unfortunately did do something wrong. You didn't back down and back off like you should have done. Mom was likely in the wrong too, but she isn't the one in trouble at this point, you are. However, the actions that both you and she take from here on could result in both of you being in trouble and your baby being in foster care.

She wants to recant it of her own accord because she knows it was BS. I suppose you make a good point that it could seem like I'm coercing her. I will look into counceling.

 

[piccolo]

She called the court earlier asking if she could talk to the prosecutor about it. They said she could write the judge a letter explaining the situation. I'm assuming we're better off consulting a lawyer about that first so as not to say the wrong things in it. Or maybe that's a bad idea in general?

 

[LdiJ]

She wants to recant it of her own accord because she knows it was BS. I suppose you make a good point that it could seem like I'm coercing her. I will look into counceling.

Not "could seem like:". It is more like "would seem like" because that is the classic situation.