Can he get custody?

[Anisah_H]

I live in New Jersey. My ex has filed for custody of our children, ages 8 and 10. We have been divorced for 6 years (joint legal custody). Basically he is angry because the child support was raised last year. But he has not been involved in the children's lives much. Mostly he sees them for a few hours on Sundays. He has never gone to their school, talked to their teachers, seen or requested a copy of their grades. When I filed for re-evaluation of child support last year, he did not see them nor answer his cell phone for 4 or 5 weeks at a time (which he doesn't admit to in court of course!) because he was angry at me. Now he acts like he "can't live without them" all of a sudden.

My financial situation is not very good, so I am worried about this. I am sharing an apartment (we have our own large room), and share kitchen and bath. The schools in this area are excellent. How much will the court look at my living situation, compared to his having his own house and a good job and a wife (I'm getting a divorce)? I can't afford daycare and am trying to find one with a sliding-scale fee (I also have a toddler). I have my cell phone bills, which show in-coming and out-going calls (I haven't had a home phone in a while). I was trying to call him when he refused to see the children, which was hard on them. He didn't see them on their birthdays last year either.

We are both Muslim (I converted, he is from the middle east), and he feels that the children should be raised according to his culture (which means the kids "belong" to the father, and live with him when they are school age, the girl wears a scarf, and she can only marry a Muslim). I feel they should not be forced, we have to raise them with our values, and let them decide when they are older as to what exactly they are going to follow or believe. I feel I can show this in court, that he feels the kids "belong" to him and that he should raise them according to the culture he grew up in.

I have not ever kept our children from him, he has chosen not to be involved much in their lives. He is acting out of spite (and not wanting to give me money). Any advice or BTDT moms or dads?

How will the court view his attitude of him wanting "HIS children", esp. when he is not an involved parent, and wanting to raise them differently than I am raising them (more culturally)? His wife has a 14 month old baby, and she is due to give birth any time. I really don't think she would want to take care of 2 older children. How will they view him not seeing his children for weeks at a time, with me showing by my cell phone bill that he didn't call me?

I can't afford an attorney!

Thanks!

A.H.

 

[breanasheart]

I hope this helps

Although I am only 13 years old, I think I can help a little.
I come from a broken home and have been through family court before. First of all, how do your kids feel about this? If they don't want him to have custody of them than that will help (they can talk to a law gardian. 95% of the time the judge does what the law gardian says to do. And you dont have to pay for a law gardian. The court assignes the law gardian). If they are sure of what they want and have good reasons than the law gardian will be able to see that it will be better for them to live with you. I had a law gardian when I was 9. My dad had brought my mother to court for full custody. I wanted it but I got nervous (I get nervous in front of strangers) and my dad only got joint custody (the law gardian thought I was un sure. I posted a thread "not my mom, only dad." look at it). Then get as much evidence that you take care of the kids and he ignores them ( incase you didnt know since he ignores them, that is called neglect and that is a form of abuse). I guess after that you just sit and hope.

The court will give you a free attourney if you cant afford it.

I hope I helped, good luck,
Breana

 

[LdiJ]

I live in New Jersey. My ex has filed for custody of our children, ages 8 and 10. We have been divorced for 6 years (joint legal custody). Basically he is angry because the child support was raised last year. But he has not been involved in the children's lives much. Mostly he sees them for a few hours on Sundays. He has never gone to their school, talked to their teachers, seen or requested a copy of their grades. When I filed for re-evaluation of child support last year, he did not see them nor answer his cell phone for 4 or 5 weeks at a time (which he doesn't admit to in court of course!) because he was angry at me. Now he acts like he "can't live without them" all of a sudden.

My financial situation is not very good, so I am worried about this. I am sharing an apartment (we have our own large room), and share kitchen and bath. The schools in this area are excellent. How much will the court look at my living situation, compared to his having his own house and a good job and a wife (I'm getting a divorce)? I can't afford daycare and am trying to find one with a sliding-scale fee (I also have a toddler). I have my cell phone bills, which show in-coming and out-going calls (I haven't had a home phone in a while). I was trying to call him when he refused to see the children, which was hard on them. He didn't see them on their birthdays last year either.

We are both Muslim (I converted, he is from the middle east), and he feels that the children should be raised according to his culture (which means the kids "belong" to the father, and live with him when they are school age, the girl wears a scarf, and she can only marry a Muslim). I feel they should not be forced, we have to raise them with our values, and let them decide when they are older as to what exactly they are going to follow or believe. I feel I can show this in court, that he feels the kids "belong" to him and that he should raise them according to the culture he grew up in.

I have not ever kept our children from him, he has chosen not to be involved much in their lives. He is acting out of spite (and not wanting to give me money). Any advice or BTDT moms or dads?

How will the court view his attitude of him wanting "HIS children", esp. when he is not an involved parent, and wanting to raise them differently than I am raising them (more culturally)? His wife has a 14 month old baby, and she is due to give birth any time. I really don't think she would want to take care of 2 older children. How will they view him not seeing his children for weeks at a time, with me showing by my cell phone bill that he didn't call me?

I can't afford an attorney!

Thanks!

A.H.

Judges are pretty good at catching on when a custody case is really about a desire to avoid child support. However you might want to find a way to make sure that the judge is aware that child support recently increased. A judge also won't care for the fact that he would want to radically change their way of life either. As you said, whats best is to allow them to be exposed to each culture, while they are with each of you, rather than either of you trying to fully impose your culture upon them.

The fact that you all share a bedroom could give you a little trouble. It would probably be best if you could show the judge that you had a plan in place to get your own place within a certain amount of time, or for you and your roommate to upgrade to a bigger apartment. If the current landlord has bigger apartments available it may be possible to upgrade without having to wait until the lease expires. Yes, upgrading would increase your cost, since you would be the reason for the upgrade, but it could be significantly more affordable than getting a place on your own.

 

[Anisah_H]

Thanks for your imput Breana. I haven't really talked to the kids about it. When their dad didn't see them for weeks on end, my son age 10 would cry, and get mad at me (since I was there and his father wasn't), but now he doesn't get his hopes up. He's kinda hardened his heart, or just gotten used to how his father is. Mostly it's about their father wanting control, since in his culture that's how it is. Their father also asked my son why he wasn't living with him. I don't want to put them in the middle. They have never expressed wanting to live with him. I think they feel that their father doesn't really have time for them. If I was in really bad times, living on the street or something, I would not hesitate to let them live with him. I don't want to jeopardize their well being. I'm just frustrated at him. He won't communicate with me, and the kids pick up on that kind of thing.

I read your other post, I'm sorry things didn't go the way you wanted.

I do appreciate your imput!

A.H.

 

[Anisah_H]

Yes I am worried with our living situation. Hopefully the judge won't do anything radical since the kids aren't in a dangerous situation and they are in school. Probably depends a lot on the judge, and if my ex has an attorney. I think he did the application himself. I am going to see if legal aid can help me. I think they do a best interest study first, and things take a lot of time, and if I show I am improving our situation during that time, then it will be ok. He also owes some child support, but when I went to court for it in Dec, it was right before christmas and the judge seemed in a big hurry to get out on vacation (It took a few weeks to find contact info for his job, and he only sent in 3 weeks of payments after 8 weeks after the support hearing).

Thanks.

A.H.

 

[lonelyandsad]

what an ***hole

unless he can prove youre unfit,i doubt he'll get custody,hes just mad cuz he has to pay cs.ive seen it happen before.dont let him bully you.you cant force him to see the kids,but he needs to explain to them why hes being a jack*** and not getting involved on their lives.good luck to you,and please give your kids hugs and kisses from me!