Can't force child to abort baby?

[Ohiogal]

Ohio, I had to call to ask about the custodian vs. adoption because I’m not familiar. I wasn’t refusing to answer anyone, I was taking some time to process, busy working and I was trying to get the answer that you were asking for. I didn’t know that there was a difference between having legal custody and being their father. I didn’t think it mattered because I love these girls like my own and I consider myself their father.

She doesn't. SHE has a father who raised her. She very well is resentful because YOU came into the picture when her father left after primarily raising her. PER YOU. Then mom dropped her with you -- a near stranger -- and you said CALL ME DAD. Now you are upset because she doesn't and her sister does. So she is a problem child but her sister isn't. That is one reason.

I looked into it and I don’t think they’re legally adopted because jailbird dad didn’t consent to it even though mom never let him have contact with the children and he hasn’t had any contact with them in almost 10 years.

Do you ever refer to her father as a jailbird or murderer in your home? That could breed resentment easily.

I’m sorry if I’m not the legal father. I didn’t mean to misrepresent myself. I didn’t know. I’m still the only parent they have if I’m a legal parent or not.

No. You aren't the only parent you have. NOT to your daughter. The troubled one. She has a dad. And he went away when you came into the picture. Call you dad? How can she when she was raised by her father. Oh and you think her father is a jailbird and a murderer.

I do have legal custody and biodad does not. Mom is MIA and dad has no contact with the children because he’s a murderer. I don’t understand how I can be the only person who has custody of them and not legally be their father. It sounds strange. Maybe that’s wrong? I don’t know.

Ask the 14 year old how she feels about her FATHER. Not you but her father. Have you ever suggested she write to her father? Legally you are their custodian NOT their father.

I’ll stop using her sister as an example and say all of my children, every one of them. They’re not perfect. I don’t say that they’ve never done anything wrong but none of them have fought me, not like this and not about every little thing. She isn’t her sister but my other daughters weren’t her sister either and they came out just fine. My sons weren’t her sister but they came out fine. My children have different personalities and different styles but none of them have given me this kind of trouble.

None of them had someone else who was their father. After all her sister was raised by their mother.

I don’t want her to abort the baby as punishment. I want her to do it because it’s the right thing to do. She’s a child. A child can’t raise a child. I want what is best for her and that is best for her. I’m not trying to hurt her, I’m trying to get her to do what is best for her future. What kind of a life would that be for her? What kind of a life would that be for the baby? Parenting is hard. It wasn’t easy for me when I was a married grownup with a job. She’s fourteen years old. She should be worried about school, her grades and her future, not raising a baby.

You want to force her to abort. You want to control EVERY aspect of her down to her body.

Her clothing is black. SO WHAT? Her makeup is black? So what. Those things are just bits of her individuality that you have tried to strip away. So of course she is resentful. Why do they matter to you? Think what the church members would say -- right? Think what the neighbors would say, right? How do those things HURT anyone? Yet you want to fight her on it.


CTU, thank you for your thoughts and valuable feedback. It’s not a bad analogy. I like it.

. I can accept that we’ll be raising this baby together with that boy. I just need to talk to her and figure everything out but talking to her isn’t easy.

Thank you to everyone who has been civil and understanding. I am exhausted. I never doubted myself as a parent before but she makes me think twice. I was not equipped for this one

'

 

[Ohiogal]

There's a difference between "force" as in holding her down and making her do it, and seeking to compel what could be seen as a medical procedure. As a note, I am pro-life and opposed to abortion, but, I understand the frustration of a parent who feels impotent when it comes to their children's medical decisions.

And, I can see that dad may be part of the problem in that anyone - even if they are entirely in the right - can be part of a problem. The vitriol targeted against dad is ... well ... extraordinary. I wonder why?

Nope. Not extraordinary towards dad.

Rather the outrage is about someone wanting to a FORCE a child to abort a baby. And saying he is not to blame for any of the issues.

 

[CdwJava]

This anger towards guardians, stepparents, and those who are in such a role is an ongoing trend on these boards that is troubling - and, confounding - to me. And, in many cases, not entirely warranted.

So, he's not "dad" as in bio-dad. But, he is the one raising the child and stepped in to raise two girls when there appears to be no one else willing to do it. That takes a special person. I suppose the alternative is a group home ... that would NOT be better.

 

[Just Blue]

Perhaps OP might make more progress by "accepting" the 14 year old's apparent choice and prepare her for parenthood. Get her into parenting classes, help out with small children (church nursery/preschool), discuss topics from "What to Expect When You're Expecting"... whether she wants to breastfeed or use formula, cloth or disposable diapers, etc.

Yes..This is a VERY ohsocleverred idea!!

 

[c0rd]

Ohio, I already said I’m not perfect.

None of my girls were allowed to wear makeup until they were 16. I wanted them to know that they were beautiful just the way they are and they don’t need to paint their faces. My boys were boys. They didn’t want to wear makeup.

I told her that she can wear all black if she is home for dinner every day and she said no. It must not mean that much to her. I told her that she can grow her hair long again if she attends school every day and she stops skipping. She said that she doesn’t care about that, anymore. I told her that she can wear whatever crazy makeup she wants to if she will just do her chores. She didn’t care. Obviously, nothing matters to her.

I never thought about her relationship with biodad like that. I always thought it was strange because her sister adapted so quick but I didn’t really think about how her dad actually did raise her more than mom did and that’s the difference. See, I admit that I’m not perfect and I admitted it again.

I’ll talk to her about her bio dad and how she feels about him.

I never told her that she should call me dad. Her sister asked me if it was okay to call me dad and I said of course it's okay. She yelled at her sister for saying that and I said it's okay and she doesn't have to until she's ready. That was many years ago.

What makes you say I won’t be part of raising the baby? She’s fourteen. She can’t do it on her own. It’s not like she has a job. Who would watch the baby while she’s at school? It’s going to be me because who else would? I’m not paying for daycare. That would be silly.

Lately, she has a new name for me. Now, I’m Fuhrer. When I address her, she'll say Mine Fuhrer and salute me.

 

[cbg]

Now that's just typical 14 year old acting out, Dad. Don't let that bother you any more than you can help.

 

[Just Blue]

I always tried not to yell at my kids before and I tried to keep an even temper and talk to them about things but with her, I feel like I'm always yelling. All I do is yell because it's all I can do. She screams back and throws tantrums. She throws things. She threw a drinking glass at me once and barely missed me. We switched to all plastic cups after that.

Her sister cries because she hates the fighting. I hate the fighting, too. This is every day at our house. I worry about her every minute and I can't sleep when she runs away but sometimes I feel like it's better when she's gone for a while because at least we get some peace and a break from the fighting. She's been staying away for whole evenings and sometimes even overnight since she was TWELVE. I am on anxiety medication because of all of this. I see a psychologist (a different one than the kids) because of this.

I really do love her the same as my biological children and the same as her sister. I wouldn't be this upset about it if I didn't.

sigh...I feel the need to do a big long post. As many of the Sr's. here know...that is not my "thing".

My eldest was an "angle" ...Never had a problem. Typical child. Graduated top of her class from a VERY good school and Summa from a VERY good University here in Massachusetts. She "could" be making hundreds of thousands a year. She does not. She would rather work for "west coast peanuts" and help kids in need.

My youngest has PDD(ASD), she was not typical. And by the way drop the word "normal" from you vocabulary. She is a gift. I did not expect to get preggers at that time. Elders was in middle school and I was high on my way to 40.

Baby was born...All was well. Then Lil'blue stopped sleeping..through tantrums that would send a Hell'Angle running from the house. Would not speak. COULD NOT SPEAK...

When she was 3 I had a neuro-psych eval done. She had/had PDD. She understood EVERYTHING said...but we could not understand her. Thus...She was frustrated. Caused her to act out in the only way she knew to do. I didn't know how to deal with this...My "normal" child never "did this stuff"! What do I do? Well I asked her Pedi and was referred to a Child Behaviorist.

I Thank GOD every flipping DAY for that referral. He instructed me how to understand THIS child. She should not be parented like my eldest. She needed to be parented in a way the SHE needed and could understand.

She is now in High School...And the only thing in life that you can count on is death, taxes and that Lil'blu is a kind, loving and will bring home all A's.

My point to my ^ diatribe is that with all the loving kindness...You can not and should not treat children that had their formitive years so horrific the same as you bio-children who had loving and caring caring baby years.

I hope I made a point with you...And PLEASE. YOU NEED help on how to parent THESE children. That is not an insult or a judgement. Just a fact from one that has had to do that same.

 

[Ohiogal]

This anger towards guardians, stepparents, and those who are in such a role is an ongoing trend on these boards that is troubling - and, confounding - to me. And, in many cases, not entirely warranted.

So, he's not "dad" as in bio-dad. But, he is the one raising the child and stepped in to raise two girls when there appears to be no one else willing to do it. That takes a special person. I suppose the alternative is a group home ... that would NOT be better.

Oh but there is no ANGER at him or guardians, stepparents or others. The outrage as at their behaviors/comments like wanting to "force" an abortion. And being dad or not being dad -- you missed the point. COMPLETELY. It is not about HIS feelings. It is about the child's feelings regarding that term. Try reading it again everything he has said including this part:

I never told her that she should call me dad. Her sister asked me if it was okay to call me dad and I said of course it's okay. She yelled at her sister for saying that and I said it's okay and she doesn't have to until she's ready. That was many years ago.

This girl has a dad and father and HE is not it to her. He may never be because she has a father.

 

[CTU]

There's a difference between "force" as in holding her down and making her do it, and seeking to compel what could be seen as a medical procedure.

When both paths lead to the same end, the difference may not be as big as you perhaps want to believe. I wonder how the poor child feels about the supposed difference, considering her circumstances.

As a note, I am pro-life and opposed to abortion, but, I understand the frustration of a parent who feels impotent when it comes to their children's medical decisions.

Yes, we know. You're not exactly shy about your feelings on this subject.

And, I can see that dad may be part of the problem in that anyone - even if they are entirely in the right - can be part of a problem. The vitriol targeted against dad is ... well ... extraordinary. I wonder why?

You're welcome to your opinions and feelings. Others see it differently.

 

[CTU]

sigh...I feel the need to do a big long post. As many of the Sr's. here know...that is not my "thing".

My eldest was an "angle" ...Never had a problem. Typical child. Graduated top of her class from a VERY good school and Summa from a VERY good University here in Massachusetts. She "could" be making hundreds of thousands a year. She does not. She would rather work for "west coast peanuts" and help kids in need.

My youngest has PDD(ASD), she was not typical. And by the way drop the word "normal" from you vocabulary. She is a gift. I did not expect to get preggers at that time. Elders was in middle school and I was high on my way to 40.

Baby was born...All was well. Then Lil'blue stopped sleeping..through tantrums that would send a Hell'Angle running from the house. Would not speak. COULD NOT SPEAK...

When she was 3 I had a neuro-psych eval done. She had/had PDD. She understood EVERYTHING said...but we could not understand her. Thus...She was frustrated. Caused her to act out in the only way she knew to do. I didn't know how to deal with this...My "normal" child never "did this stuff"! What do I do? Well I asked her Pedi and was referred to a Child Behaviorist.

I Thank GOD every flipping DAY for that referral. He instructed me how to understand THIS child. She should not be parented like my eldest. She needed to be parented in a way the SHE needed and could understand.

She is now in High School...And the only thing in life that you can count on is death, taxes and that Lil'blu is a kind, loving and will bring home all A's.

My point to my ^ diatribe is that with all the loving kindness...You can not and should not treat children that had their formitive years so horrific the same as you bio-children who had loving and caring caring baby years.

I hope I made a point with you...And PLEASE. YOU NEED help on how to parent THESE children. That is not an insult or a judgement. Just a fact from one that has had to do that same.

*quietly applauding*