change of custody/disagreement on schooling

[blueboy]

Yes, I am late in the game. I should have been more involved. My child is suffering because I am not closer, but the military doesn't allow you to pick and choose where you want to live. I am up for orders in 3 1/2 years. If they won't put me where I want to be I am in a position to get out and get a job closer to my daughter.

I can't afford to pay child support, all travel costs, and even pay my X time off from work while she is driving our child to the airport for visitation and tutoring. I wish I could. I make the same amount of money as my X and she refuses to pay anything extra for tutoring. My daughter will be doing a tutoring program while she is with me for the summer. Her mom refuses to get her extra tutoring during the school year because she can't afford it. My X has 2 jobs and doesn't have the time to make sure school work/ home work is getting done. My wife is a stay at home mom and is in college earning her teaching credentials. I found an online public school that will supply everything at no cost to me. My daughter would be able to catch up to her peers and re-enter reg. school without the embarrassment of being behind or being in special ed. classes. I realize that if I lived closer non of this would be as big of an issue, but here I am.

 

[blueboy]

Thanks for all the advice, gonna hire an atty. this is too complicated!

 

[LdiJ]

I know that part of the stress comes from traveling to see me, and part of it comes from me having to move away in the first place. We saw eachother nearly everyday before I moved and now it's only on three day weekends, every other holiday and 7 weeks in the summer.

So then you would of course realize that a custody change at this point would be another disruption in the child's life, and add another level of stress because she would be separated from mom? Your move has guaranteed that your child is going to be separated from one of her parents....period.

Now that I know that you recently moved away from the child...I have to tell you that your chances of getting custody changed would be extremely slim. Wouldn't it be in the best interest of your child for you to find a way to move back?

Hire your daughter a really slammin' tutor for the 7 weeks that she will be with you....give her a really good start for the next school year.

 

[blueboy]

I think it might acctually reduce her stress.
Her mom works 2 jobs and travels at least one weekend per month, and sometimes doesn't get off work until 6 or 7. My daughter goes to before school care, school and then after school care. She ends up seeing me almost as much as her mom.

Her mom told her that I made her go to court because I wanted to take her away from her mom. Grandparents tell her that her mom has it so hard because she is a single parent and that I left sod it's my fault she's a single mom. I get calls from my daughter crying and yelling at me because they say I am so horrible to her and her mom. I have had to spend 20 minutes calming her down and reminding her of the facts. I have to ask her have I ever hurt you? Have you ever seen me hurt anybody? Do you think I want to hurt you? She will answer no and I can remind her of how much I love her and then we can talk. (Do I need to say how this feels?)

I have brought these issues up in court and mediation, but they believed her over me. Child Protective services have been called out because of my X's family hurting my daughter and that wasn't even enough So, none of these issues will help me. I can't go to court and bring these up so, whenever something new happens I am left wondering is this enough to convience them?

 

[LdiJ]

I am truly sorry.....I understand that you miss your daughter and that you are concerned for her welfare....but the reality of things is that you are not likely to prevail on the issue of custody. CPs who move often lose custody....you are an ncp that moved...the odds are not in your favor.

It would also be an expensive battle to fight....and you would have to fight the battle in mom's community. If you can't afford to pay for CS, travel costs and tutoring...how are you going to be able to pay for an attorney and the associated travel costs to attend mediation, court etc.?

By all means get yourself a consult with an attorney in mom's area.....however, I don't see this happening for you....and even if you had a decent chance of winning, its not going to happen quickly. Contested custody battles can easily take 6 months to a year.

 

[mosquitobite]

Just a thought, I'm not an attorney, but both my brothers have fought and won custody battles pro se. It isn't easy, and it takes diligence, research, filing fees, and professionalism nonetheless.

My opinion is it sounds like the mother & her family are PASing the child and this is what is causing the stress (on TOP of the school issue).

Unfortunately, most states don't recognize PAS for the abuse it is.

If you have to spend time telling your child you're not evil every time you talk to her, the mother is badmouthing you in front of the child. I hope you are not doing the same. This is incredibily stressful for a child since a child needs and loves BOTH parents.

 

[blueboy]

I didn't mean to sound harsh, I'm just fed up. No, I don't bad mouth mom, I try to make her mom look better then she acctually is. I tell her that it's hard for her mom and that her mom is doing the best she can. I tell her that I'm doing the best I can and that her mom and I are working together to make things as easy as we can for her. The reality though is that I'm constantly battling her mom.
I have family about an hour away from her area so I could take some vacation time and go down there to talk to an attorney and try to get pro se, or file myself. I have done it both ways gone in with an atty and done it myself before. I am completely capable of doing it myself, but the right atty can't hurt, except the pocket book.
Thanks for all the advice, and the helpful arguments.

 

[Custodynitemare]

FERPA look it up and demand any regular info. sent , be sent to you also . And see where it states you have a RIGHT to set up an appointment to review the records .

I acctually sent the school a copy of FERPA where it stated that they had to do or else. I am giong there in a few days to discuss it further and give them another letter.


I am just so sick of watching my child slip through the cracks and when I try to get mom on board with me she pushes me away, and tells me if I feel I need to do something without her consent to go to court and get a judge to sign off on it. I have told her that I want us to find a way to help her and she tells me she's busy or she is doing the best she can as "A Single Parent",( She is always throwing that at me) but if I try to help I'm told that she is the custodial parent and she has the final say unless I want to go back to court.

The problem is she knows she is behind and she knows that her class work is different from everyone elses. The kids in her class point that out I'm sure. I know that part of the stress comes from traveling to see me, and part of it comes from me having to move away in the first place. We saw eachother nearly everyday before I moved and now it's only on three day weekends, every other holiday and 7 weeks in the summer.

I can't be the only non-custodial parent to be giong through this type of thing so if anyone has anyone has been through this and has some advice please send it. If anyone has legal advice please send it. I appriciate all the advice given to me so far, but wouldn't mind gettimng more feed back.

I am a non-custodial parent who went through the same thing as you. My ex lied to the school about what the situation was, and he was getting away with it because they lived 2000 miles away. I finally realized that I would have to live in Wisconsin if I was going to be a parent to my children. It wasn't something that I was going to be able to do from long distance. Some parents can make that work, we obviously couldn't. You are doing everything that you can to stay involved. These are issues that it sounds like you are only now finding out about, and now that you know, you are doing everything you can. I'm at the end of my battle, so I can honestly tell you that by staying positive, assertive and involved, while trying to remain seperated from your ex emotionally is difficult but do-able and in the end works. In my case, once I proved to the school that I had legal custody of the children (which my ex had told them that my parental rights were severed) the school worked with both of us in a non-bias way always keeping the focus on the needs of my children. Hopefully, your daughter's school will do the same. In the meantime, have you thought of Sylvan Learning Center?
(before anyone asks, we were a family in california, he left us and moved to wisconsin, i collapsed with an illness and sent the kids to stay with him while i recovered. he refused to send them back. that's why i moved 2000 miles away from my family, job and support in order to be here for my kids)