child custody changes for Dad

[md5363]

What is the name of your state? AZ

Ok, yes I am the girlfriend but other than researching options for my bf, I am not involved in the custody issues, I have not been involved and will not be involved. I have 2 kids of my own that I have custody of and happen to have a GREAT relationship with my ex, so this experience is new to me and we need some help...

My bf has an 11 year old son from a previous marriage. They have been divorced for 2 years. They have joint custody but she is the custodial parent. My bf wants to attempt to get sole custody based on the following:
- Ex has made medial decisions without his knowledge and has attempted to conceal information regarding meds (Ritalin). Son's previous phychiatrist took son off meds so she went to another without bf's consent and got the script anyway. BF found out from son's teacher which means he wasn't taking meds as prescribed either cause he didn't have them at our house.
- Although agreement says they share driving equally, during past 2 years, she has only picked up the son one time....JUST ONCE! She says its too emotionally painful so he has been doing all the driving.
- She is on meds herself for depression and ADHD (bad combo) and has attempted suicide twice during marriage, then got a DUI last year. She admits she is depressed and son tells bf about her constant crying and self destructive behaviors. Son feels very sorry for his Mom (understandably).
- She speaks to the son frequently negatively with regard to his Dad, me and anything related to that side of his life. An example - Son gave Mom an 8 x 10 professional pic for her birthday that he was very excited about....she opened it, cried and refused to put it up because it was gift wrapped by her "replacement," (that's me). He was very upset. She refers to us as "monied, " "rich" and "living in the house on the hill" in front of son and tells him to ask us for presents etc since we are rich. By the way, we are FAR from rich and live paycheck-to-paycheck but we don't discuss that with an 11 year old and feel its not appropriate.
- She does not include my bf in decisions at school...parent-teacher conferences etc. She says she will, but "forgets"
- Son spends 3 hours per day after school at grandparents (her parents) playing video games non-stop and is failing in school. The teacher has even told bf that he only seems to get homework done when in his care.
- Although he supposedly has "ADHD" he is fed junk food 24/7 and gets ice cream everyday at this grandparent's house because he wants it.
- Bf has become the disiplinarian and spend every evening son is with us locked in the bedroom trying to catch up on homework (needless to say, he doesn't enjoy his time with us).

Is my bf being too ambitious and picky or are these legitimate issues that a court would consider??? I know my opinions, but the fact of the matter is mine don't matter....so, i am asking for yours....all comments are much appreciated.

 

[LdiJ]

Ya know, my husband has terrible issues with a manipulative and intentionally alienating Mom of his kids and he's had to get tough and keep her straight on their court orders, but for some reason I feel a little sorry for your stepson's Mom and feel inclined to say that your BF should use a more gentle hand with her, I guess b/c of her depression and feelings of worthlessness. She doesn't seem to be doing things out of malice or trying to shut him out of the child's life, it seems more b/c she's overwhelmed, sad, etc. And, the not being totally open about the meds -- maybe she can just be reminded of her responsibility in this regard. She may feel some shame on her son's behalf especially since she has an ADHD diagnosis, too. I realize I'm not the one having to live this situation so I can be "generous", but I don't see anything that says Mom should have custody taken away from her.

I tend to agree...while its not an ideal situation for the child I don't think it rises to levels where a judge would feel that a custody change was in order.

Also, sole custody is very rare these days, and unless mom was making really horrible decision regarding the child (and this doesn't reach that level) a judge would at least give her joint legal custody.

What is the current timeshare? Perhaps if dad had 50/50 or close to 50/50 he could do more to help the child?

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state? AZ

Ok, yes I am the girlfriend but other than researching options for my bf, I am not involved in the custody issues, I have not been involved and will not be involved. I have 2 kids of my own that I have custody of and happen to have a GREAT relationship with my ex, so this experience is new to me and we need some help...

Okay. Glad that you know your place. Seriously.

My bf has an 11 year old son from a previous marriage. They have been divorced for 2 years. They have joint custody but she is the custodial parent. My bf wants to attempt to get sole custody based on the following:
- Ex has made medial decisions without his knowledge and has attempted to conceal information regarding meds (Ritalin). Son's previous phychiatrist took son off meds so she went to another without bf's consent and got the script anyway. BF found out from son's teacher which means he wasn't taking meds as prescribed either cause he didn't have them at our house.

He needs to contact the psychiatrist and talk to him/her.

- Although agreement says they share driving equally, during past 2 years, she has only picked up the son one time....JUST ONCE! She says its too emotionally painful so he has been doing all the driving.

Why? He does not have to do all the driving. He should follow the agreement. In other words, if she wants sonny boy then she comes and gets sonny boy. YOur bf has just been being very generous. That is not a reason for custody to change.

- She is on meds herself for depression and ADHD (bad combo) and has attempted suicide twice during marriage,

He was aware of this when the original custody was set. That is NOT a change.

then got a DUI last year.

Not good but NOT a reason for custody to change.

She admits she is depressed and son tells bf about her constant crying and self destructive behaviors. Son feels very sorry for his Mom (understandably).

She is depressed and admits it. That is not a problem at all. As for son, what self destructive behaviors is he talking about?

- She speaks to the son frequently negatively with regard to his Dad, me and anything related to that side of his life. An example - Son gave Mom an 8 x 10 professional pic for her birthday that he was very excited about....she opened it, cried and refused to put it up because it was gift wrapped by her "replacement," (that's me).

They divorced TWO years ago. How long have you been with BF? Technically that is not a negative but rather an opinion.

He was very upset. She refers to us as "monied, " "rich" and "living in the house on the hill" in front of son and tells him to ask us for presents etc since we are rich. By the way, we are FAR from rich and live paycheck-to-paycheck but we don't discuss that with an 11 year old and feel its not appropriate.

Parenting difference. Being referred to as "monied" or "rich" or "living in the house on the hill" is not a negative and neither is mom saying son should ask for presents from you. It may not be polite but it is NOT negative.

- She does not include my bf in decisions at school...parent-teacher conferences etc. She says she will, but "forgets"

BF needs to be proactive. He needs to contact the school and ask about parent-teacher conferences and to be contacted regarding sonny-boy.

- Son spends 3 hours per day after school at grandparents (her parents) playing video games non-stop and is failing in school. The teacher has even told bf that he only seems to get homework done when in his care.

Son is 11 and old enough quite frankly to be responsible for his own homework.

- Although he supposedly has "ADHD" he is fed junk food 24/7 and gets ice cream everyday at this grandparent's house because he wants it.

Okay. Parenting difference.

- Bf has become the disiplinarian and spend every evening son is with us locked in the bedroom trying to catch up on homework (needless to say, he doesn't enjoy his time with us).

Son should NOT be locked in the bedroom. If he is then there are severe issues because that could be seen as abusive.

Is my bf being too ambitious and picky or are these legitimate issues that a court would consider??? I know my opinions, but the fact of the matter is mine don't matter....so, i am asking for yours....all comments are much appreciated.

Legally there is not enough in what you mentioned. Answer my questions though.

 

[profmum]

What is the name of your state? AZ


- Ex has made medial decisions without his knowledge and has attempted to conceal information regarding meds (Ritalin). Son's previous phychiatrist took son off meds so she went to another without bf's consent and got the script anyway. BF found out from son's teacher which means he wasn't taking meds as prescribed either cause he didn't have them at our house.

ok this is a violation of joint legal custody
- Although agreement says they share driving equally, during past 2 years, she has only picked up the son one time....JUST ONCE! She says its too emotionally painful so he has been doing all the driving.

not much here.. althought still a violation of the agreement

- She is on meds herself for depression and ADHD (bad combo) and has attempted suicide twice during marriage, then got a DUI last year. She admits she is depressed and son tells bf about her constant crying and self destructive behaviors. Son feels very sorry for his Mom (understandably).

unfortunate for Mum and kiddo, but depression affects over 10% of the american population.

- She speaks to the son frequently negatively with regard to his Dad, me and anything related to that side of his life. An example - Son gave Mom an 8 x 10 professional pic for her birthday that he was very excited about....she opened it, cried and refused to put it up because it was gift wrapped by her "replacement," (that's me). He was very upset.

irrelevent

She refers to us as "monied, " "rich" and "living in the house on the hill" in front of son and tells him to ask us for presents etc since we are rich. By the way, we are FAR from rich and live paycheck-to-paycheck but we don't discuss that with an 11 year old and feel its not appropriate.

irrelevent

- She does not include my bf in decisions at school...parent-teacher conferences etc. She says she will, but "forgets"

ask the school to inform dad directly

- Son spends 3 hours per day after school at grandparents (her parents) playing video games non-stop and is failing in school. The teacher has even told bf that he only seems to get homework done when in his care.

Dad needs to figure out exactly what the issue is here with kiddo with failing, talking to his teachers etc etc.This is serious but may or may not have anything to do with Mum/grandparents.

- Although he supposedly has "ADHD" he is fed junk food 24/7 and gets ice cream everyday at this grandparent's house because he wants it.

you know this because?

- Bf has become the disiplinarian and spend every evening son is with us locked in the bedroom trying to catch up on homework (needless to say, he doesn't enjoy his time with us).

well that is parenting, being the disciplinarian, locked up in the bedroom as opposed to helping kiddo with the homework and seeing where the gaps are for kiddo..?? not the best parenting choice here.. hmm, pre-teens not enjoying being disciplined.. think back, it is a rite of passage!

Is my bf being too ambitious and picky or are these legitimate issues that a court would consider??? I know my opinions, but the fact of the matter is mine don't matter....so, i am asking for yours....all comments are much appreciated.

I dont think you have enough here for a compelling change of circumstance, kiddo failing is valid, but Dad needs to really dig deep in and figure out why he is failing before trying to take any legal action here..

 

[md5363]

Wow, great replies. Thanks.

A few issues that I should clarify further.

Mom is a PE teacher at school and is friends with school teacher of son. They rode in a bike race together last weekend in fact. Bf has attended every "meet the teacher", "parent's night" and school festival etc due to his own digging and keeping on the office staff at school. Mom doesn't even come to any of them other than conferences. The last parent teacher conf, he found out about 2 hours before and had to call the principal to get it rescheduled....kind of the same thing every time. The school obviously protects her. Teacher doesn't contact father even though he knows they have joint custody, probably because son's Mom is a friend...who knows? Thats speculation but the fact is they won't do it. BF wants him out of that school because of it. By the way, we and she do not even live within the school district boundaries. He goes to the school because she works there.

We know about the comments made by Mom because son tells us and he will often close himself up in his room and cry for hours.

On the homework issue, we don't "lock him up." It was more a figure of speech because he comes to our place with 5-6 hours of homework every Tuesday and his homework tracker hasn't been checked my his Mom (due to lack of signature). So, he is "stuck" in his room getting it caught up.

We have been told son is 5 years behind socially (and interacts at a 6 year old level) so to say that homework in his responsibility...well, its mostly true but he is a unique child with some special needs and the fact is, he does need help. He is smart though and tests well when taking tests. Its the homework that he is failing at.

On the food issue...maybe its just our lack of knowledge but the prior Dr's have all told him because of his hyperactivity that he needs to exercise, not eat junk (sugary and high fat foods) and take supplements like fish oil which are healthy oils for the brain. Now, he doesn't do any of those things and actually quite the opposite unless he's with us. His Grandmother and Mom both admit they let him eat what he wants. But, I guess it won't kill him? Probably need to research that more.

The self destructive behaviors - hitting her head on walls until they are bruised....things like that.

Bf in tracking down the psychiatrists right now to get the records. She changes Dr's though when he has done this in the past. I guess he really just needs to stay on top of it.

So, his options:

Can he request of the court to enforce her side of the joint custody...driving, Dr and school information etc???

Or attempt to get sole custody and probably lose...

Anything else? I appreciate your thoughts and comments very much.

 

[Ohiogal]

Wow, great replies. Thanks.

You are welcome.

A few issues that I should clarify further.

Okay.

Mom is a PE teacher at school and is friends with school teacher of son. They rode in a bike race together last weekend in fact. Bf has attended every "meet the teacher", "parent's night" and school festival etc due to his own digging and keeping on the office staff at school. Mom doesn't even come to any of them other than conferences. The last parent teacher conf, he found out about 2 hours before and had to call the principal to get it rescheduled....kind of the same thing every time. The school obviously protects her. Teacher doesn't contact father even though he knows they have joint custody, probably because son's Mom is a friend...who knows? Thats speculation but the fact is they won't do it. BF wants him out of that school because of it. By the way, we and she do not even live within the school district boundaries. He goes to the school because she works there.

It is NOT teacher's responsibility but dad's quite frankly. Yes it is frustrating but it is NOT teach's responsibility to do anything. BF can want a change in school but it won't happen based on this. Who is residential parent for school purposes?

We know about the comments made by Mom because son tells us and he will often close himself up in his room and cry for hours.

Okay. But you have NOT said what the self destructive behavior is.

On the homework issue, we don't "lock him up." It was more a figure of speech because he comes to our place with 5-6 hours of homework every Tuesday and his homework tracker hasn't been checked my his Mom (due to lack of signature). So, he is "stuck" in his room getting it caught up.

You would be amazed by how many parents actually do lock their children.

We have been told son is 5 years behind socially (and interacts at a 6 year old level) so to say that homework in his responsibility...well, its mostly true but he is a unique child with some special needs and the fact is, he does need help. He is smart though and tests well when taking tests. Its the homework that he is failing at.

And what is being done regarding his social development?

On the food issue...maybe its just our lack of knowledge but the prior Dr's have all told him because of his hyperactivity that he needs to exercise, not eat junk (sugary and high fat foods) and take supplements like fish oil which are healthy oils for the brain. Now, he doesn't do any of those things and actually quite the opposite unless he's with us. His Grandmother and Mom both admit they let him eat what he wants. But, I guess it won't kill him? Probably need to research that more.

Nope. Wont kill him. Everyone should do that truthfully. And there are 1000 different opinions on what a healthy diet is. And if supplements actually help.

The self destructive behaviors - hitting her head on walls until they are bruised....things like that.

And you have witnessed that? If so why didn't you call the police and file a report stating that mom is a danger to herself?

Bf in tracking down the psychiatrists right now to get the records. She changes Dr's though when he has done this in the past. I guess he really just needs to stay on top of it.

Yep.

So, his options:

Can he request of the court to enforce her side of the joint custody...driving, Dr and school information etc???

Yep. He can move to enforce the court order. That is the smart thing to do.

Or attempt to get sole custody and probably lose...

He will lose.

 

[md5363]

Thank You all

 

[olikat1]

suggestion for Dad/ BF for school problems

ok this is what has happened with me. My ex did this when he was having trouble with my childrens old school not keeping him informed and saying they were guarding me which they were not. But This will help keep a docummentation of all times dad has ask school to notify him as the school to make a separate folder of calendar events which they wil do i work for school system myself. just make sure he picks it up. if this has not worked have him sit down research who the superintendent of schools is where the child goes write a letter to he/she explaining all things that have happened and have not happened with requests and what the legal terms are with both parents so they are aware. Let them know what the school is doing as far as the "protecting of mom" . This will and should get u some results and even though it is not the teachers ful responablities to keep dad informed of allthings but it is there responsibility to keep in touch with both parents wheither or not they have joint physical and joint legal. Because my ex only has joint legal of our kids me having primary physical. and he still got a lot of thing taken care of this way.
Also start by gtting email address for the teachers and staff that work with his son.
BUT DO REMEMBER FIRST AND FOREMOST ALWAYS BE KIND AND POLITE TO EVERYONE AT THE SCHOOL!
if you would like to know anything more feel free to emai and i will share more with u that i have been thru with the schools.
my oldest is 9 and is socially at the level of a 6 yr old also and is ADHD/ with ODD and has a learning disabilty.
tabbitha

 

[md5363]

For Tabbitha

THANKS!!! How can I contact you further. Sounds like you have lots of good information that would be useful.

 

[olikat1]

turn on ur private messages

turn on ur pivate messages so it is easier to talk