Child Support - In writing!!

[Kelly9573]

What is the name of your state? Massachusetts

My daughter's father is getting married. He's paid me child support for 5 1/2 years. We have never stepped in a courtroom together. The payments are significant and very much needed. He's paid $225 per week for the past 2 1/2 years ... $200 before that, $185 before that. He's always increased it willingly, paid it willingly and has never questioned what I do KNOWING it was in her best interest. In addition, he's covered her health insurance and 1/2 the cost of extra curricular activities.
Anyway, I'm starting to see that it's beginning to change. His fiance writes the checks and if there's a problem, I have to talk to her. Which is very uncomfortable for me.
My daughter start 1st grade this year in a private school. I've devoted to giving her as much of the support payments as possible. If he stopps paying, she stops her exclusive education. Which is extremely important to me.
I want to get his payments to continue .. legally. Have everything written down so no matter what, he can't just stop paying. I do not want more money .. just to have him legally bound to what he's always been doing.
I'm very concerned. Can I get this done without major hassel?

 

[VeronicaGia]

You would have to go to court and file for child support. They may or may not require DNA testing; I'm not familiar with MA laws.

What I would try first, and this is just my opinion, is to talk to him. Does he have a good relationship with daughter? It sounds as though you and he have a good relationship, does he even know you are talking to his soon to be wife?

I would try to work it out with him, not be bossy about it but just explain that the relationship has worked well for over five years and you fear that it is about to take a turn in the wrong direction, and for the sake of your daughter, you would like to continue doing things the way they were done before. There is no reason you can't have at least an amicable relationship with the new wife, but you and he should make decisions. If he agrees, try it out. If it doesn't work out, then you'll have to go through the court systems. Please be honest and tell the court that he has been faithfully paying for over five years. Try not to turn it into a battle...

Do the work on your end to try to keep the relationship with him on good terms. It will teach your daughter to make the best of a bad situation, it will teach her responsibility. You always have the court system to fall back on.

I applaud you both for being adults, and being responsible. It would be nice if more people were that way.

 

[kat1963]

Since it seems you want to keep things on friendly terms, you can have a family lawyer draw up a support and custody agreement. Present it to the biological father for his review and notorized signature. It will be submitted to the judge, once signed, it then becomes a court order. It would depend on your state if you will be required to appear or not. Your lawyer can fill you in. As long as both parties agree, the cost should be minimal. Many offer free or low cost consults.
KAT

 

[Kelly9573]

I have tried to talk to him. Although we keep a good "front" for our daughter's sake, the arguments tend to get very heated. He's bestowed all financial issues to his fiance ... willingly of course. I've tried to keep my cool and keep our entire relationship civil, at best.
My biggest fear is when they have a child. If it doesn't work out, he'll cut our daughter's support down in order to compensate for the new addition.
All I want is to make sure that our daughter maintains what little luxuries she's received. She's an amazing kid. I used to think that she would never come second to another woman but now I'm not so sure.
He's always been an excellent father. He's always put her first but lately, he doesn't see her nearly as often because the fiance has said it is unfair to them to never have alone time. He's made his adjustments upon his fiance's request lately. I just really can't afford to not have his support. If he stops, for any reason, my daughter will truly lose out.

 

[Lil Miss Smarty Panties]

What I'm going to say is just my opinion, I don't know Mass. law concerning child support. I lived with my now hubby for about a year 1/2 before we married, but it naturally fell to me to take over the finances such as paying bills, balancing the checkbook, etc. When it came time to pay support I was the one who wrote those checks. I don't know why it would matter who signed them as long as you are still getting the money. But of course, I didn't expect her to come to me with any problems that arose either. Can't you just refuse to take any problems to her and ask to speak directly with your ex concerning anything to do with the daughter? and I have to say, unless he's making oodles of money, $225 a week is an extrodinary amount of support. If he continues to pay that, don't rock the boat. If it does come down to going to court, please follow veronicas advice and be honest about him paying you all these years. it will go much better for all involved. trust me on that one. And if he does have a little addition to his family and lowers support to adjust for that, well most courts will do that anyway, within reason. Don't ever think someone is coming before his daughter. I guarantee you thats not true. But he does have the right to move on with a life and be happy and thats just going to have to involve this other woman. You don't have to talk to her, deal with her in anyway. Take the checks she writes and cash them and forget who signed them. Any other problems you have concerning the daughter take directly to him. I'm speaking from experience here, been thru this but from the other side. Hopefully your situation won't turn out as ugly as mine has.

 

[kat1963]

See a lawyer. If he stops support then you will have to file for it based on the child support guidelines for your state. You can look them up here Child Support Guidelines to get an idea of what you are looking at. In addition, I suppose you have proof of his ability to pay that amount, on the other hand, he does have a change in circumstances that might or might not make it a wash....at that point, it would all depend on the judge. Of course one has to expect some changes when another party is added to the cast of characters. Hopefully once the adjustments are made, things can go back to the way they were...one can only hope...if not, then file for custody and support. But know this, when you do, in most cases the other party will file for the same as well (establishment of paternity, custody of the child and child support from you)...that's when it gets messy and expensive. I'd try having it drawn up by an attorney, if that doesn't work your probably looking at a battle (which, if I may be blunt, just plain sucks for everyone especially the children involved..people need to learn to give and take equally..sorry off my soapbox now *LOL*)
Good Luck!
KAT

 

[VeronicaGia]

kat brings up a good suggestion.

However, if that doesn't work, and you want to do the battle in court, realize that guideline support may or may not be what he's paying. This may be to your advantage if he's not paying enough. But if he's paying too much.....your support could get lowered.

IMHO, think this through. What are the pro's and con's of continuing the current situation versus kat's suggestion (if he agrees) versus a court battle. You may wish, if you have time, to sit in family court a few times and watch a few cases...it's quite scary!

A calculator to help give you an idea of what support should be:

www.supportguidelines.com

This is just to give you an idea and is not 100% accurate.

 

[Kelly9573]

Girls .. I appreciate all your advise.

First, her father is very well off. He's a succesful business owner, owns 2 Cadillacs, a Harley and a Yukon SUV and according to those calculations, may even have to pay more. Again ... totally not the issue. I would NEVER say that he hasn't done a banner job thus far. He really has. And I don't have an issue with who is signing the check. That does not matter to me either. But previous arrangements, verbal of course, have been made and are already being altered. Example, extra curricular activities. The fiance is basically telling him that "he shouldn't have to do this" and she's right. He doesn't HAVE to do anything in addition to his payments. But my concern isn't that. My concern lies with thinking logically of how this may effect my daughter's future. I will take Kat's advise and talk to an attorney. Question; if it is determined that he can "afford" more than what he pays, will they automatically do that? Again, not what I'm after here. I truly hope that it wouldn't be the case.
Basically, I wasn't sure if there was just some form that I myself could go to Probate court, fill out and file, without the expense of an attorney and just have every wonderful thing he's already been doing, become a matter of legality. That's all.
I think it may be beneficial to mention to you all that I was just married myself on May 18th. I have more than moved on. Amanda's father and I have been apart since she was 1 year old. This has nothing to do with the fact that I'm seeking legal advise. His fiance likes control of her surroundings. I too handle the finances of my marrige but do not get involved, nor vocalize my opinion to my husbands ex. And if his ex needed something for my step daughter, that is something that I could never morally get in the way of.

 

[Lil Miss Smarty Panties]

yes, if they find he can afford to pay more that what he currently is, it will be raised if it goes thru court. It will be based on his income. I'm not sure if they throw your income in to that factor or not in Mass.

Has he stopped paying for 1/2 her extra curricular activities? Is that what you meant by his fiance says he didn't have to do that?

 

[Kelly9573]

Lil Miss .. yes he has pretty much stopped paying for extra curriculars. But I just got GREAT news. According to his income, etc., he is technically under paying me $116 per week.
I've been so advised by an attorney to try to get him to sign an agreement, just something that I draw up, that can in fact be taken to court if necessary in the future. If he refuses to sign, I will go for $25 more a week and have it court ordered that he pay 1/2 for any dental expenses, i.e., braces, etc. (she'll need them) In addition to that, I will map out extra curriculars that she does, or that I have planned for her to do, so that he will in fact be legally bound to do so.
As we mother's all know, sometimes the courts say they have the best interest of the child in mind but sometimes the NCP decides to do other things to avoid responsibilities. I have friends who have never received child support. I was not, by any means, trying to be greedy. But if he will not comply with what is best for his daughter on the advise of his future wife, I must take appropriate actions to secure my daughter's assets in life.
He used to be so easy to talk to. He's changed and so now I have to make adjustments. But please believe me, it is for Amanda ... not myself ... that I do this.

 

[kat1963]

Do you have a custody order in place? If not, there is nothing stopping him from picking up your daughter and not bringing her back. You'd have to fight for her return...months, even years...thousands and thousands of dollars, million and billions of tears. Save yourself the heartache right now. I don't care what the lawyer told you, contact a different attorney and ask for his/her opinion. You can have his sign anything you want to, but it's not enforceable unless it is an order of the court. INCLUDE WHO HAS CUSTODY.
KAT

 

[Kelly9573]

Kat .. geez. He's not a monster! I guess I've made him sound a lot worse than he is?? Again, and I'll say this over and over, to date, he's been a wonderful supporter and he's in love with his daughter. He would never even consider doing something that would break her heart. Not like that. Not directly. My ONLY fear is that ... you know what, I just want to have things continue as they are ... legally. Her father, in a million years, would never do such a thing. That would indeed be the most horrible scenario and would greatly effect his daughter.
Her father's brainwashed goes only as far as finaces. And his priorities have changed. He's never questioned my needing money for Amanda for one thing or another and now, it's being disputed and in his words. from his fiance. Thier lack of trust in me ... after almost 6 1/2 years of being told what a wonderful mother I am, has sparked a mistrust in me. That's all. And the document that my lawyer is writing is stating that I have physical and legal custody of our child. And to simplify it, that to date his has never neglected me support ... and will state the areas of his support. He's also made modifications in his support willingly approx. every two years and that we should re-visit in then.
Her dad's priorities have change. But he does love her. My opinion, which doesn't really matter, is that his fiance has already won altering how often he sees her ... because SHE want's "alone" time and has a daughter herself. Now, she's altering financials that were never questioned before. I just want to stop her from altering amounts and support that has been Amanda's all along. Although the support does help me with rent, bills, etc., I use a great chunk of it so that my daughter attends a private school and another portion goes into her 529 college tuition money. I'm a planner. And unless he's in the ground, my plans cannot be interupted. I want the best. He has a very good life. She deserves the best he can give. End of story.

 

[ellencee]

Kelly9573
For the sake of future relations with your child's father, you need to get a formal custody order and a formal child support order. Normally, I advise people to keep families out of the control of the courts. In your situation, I believe you need legal legs on which to stand. Using a voluntarily signed agreement, as the attorney advised, is an acceptable route. Just be sure to include that you have permanent custody of the child.

I am afraid you are in for a significant change in the father and in his relationships with you and your daughter. If you read through this site's family law sections, you will find many situations where the new woman is trying to manage the father's relationship with the child and the mother. You will find many stressed out stepmothers who are frustrated to find they have no rights in any of these issues. You will find many of the new women resent the mother's having anything of material value and assume the mother is spending the child support to live a life of plenty and leisure. You will find stepmothers and 'new women' who are in full support of their husband's former wife and child, but they will be in a very small minority.

It is my opinion that women, far more than men, respond to their husband's previous lover with jealousy and respond by nitpicking over child support, visitation, the mother's fitness in parenting, etc. Soon, their husband's ex-lover or ex-wife becomes an nonthreatening object--the BM, or the CP, or the bio-mom, or other names not worth printing.

Your ex has already succumbed to his fiance's way of managing his affairs with you and with his daughter and I'm sure that's just the tip of the iceberg of changes that his fiance has in store for him. He is totally allied with her now, as you must be with your husband. You can not expect things to ever be the way they were, not as long as his fiance is riding on her power-trip. All I can suggest is that you tell the two of them, face to face, and at the same time, that you are happy for them and in order for everyone to continue to be happy, you will only talk to your child's father about issues concerning your child's needs. Hopefully if you offer this as an attempt to maintain the peace, it won't fall on totally deaf ears.

 

[Kelly9573]

Ellencee --

Wow, now that is a powerful response. You've hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately, you are right. It is probably just the tip of the iceberg.
I too am a step-mom. I have a great step-daughter and the two girls get along great. I've completely stayed out of any issues that relate to decisions made for my step-child because ... well, she's not mine. I love having her around and because the mother is not a "hands on" mother type .. (here I go questioning her parenting skills) but honestly, the grandmother really does all the parenting and because of that, the grandmother and I have an extremely rare friendship. (I have plans with her and the two girls every Wednesday night)
I think it is extremely important for the children to see all the adults get along. Regardless of their inner feelings for one another. My step-daughter's grandmother and I started out "practicing" those words and in the process, has turned into one of my greatest friends. (Naturally, the mother is not happy about this .. but that's another story)
I had hoped to try the same approach with my daughter's future step mother, but as you've said, I think her inner feelings have shown it's ugly face far too often and cannot be taken back.
Thank you for your obviously knowledgeable response. It's nice to know that people are out there .. if just to listen to concerns of others.
Thank you!

 

[ellencee]

Kelly957
and Thank You for brightening my day!