child support options

[jewell3]

What is the name of your state? Illinois

My husband pays child support for his daughter from a previous marriage. It is to my understanding, that child support is to be used for the well being of that child. Well, the child is rarely dressed in decent clothing and appears to not be properly cared for. On many occasions, my husband and I are approached in public places by others stating how horribly this child looks when seen in public places. We simply explain that we cannot change the mother's lifestyle... and the choices she makes on the child's appearance. We can only make sure the child is properly cared for and dressed nicely when she is with us.
However, someone told us that my husband could go to his lawyer and tell them that instead of paying the child support through the system... giving the mother cash in hand, that we could go out and spend that money on clothing and other needed items for the child and keep them at our house for her... as long as we keep all the receipts for everything.
Is this true?

 

[ellencee]

no, it is not true. if the court gives its permission first, then changes can be made.
in the meantime, you could purchase and take nicer clothes and shoes to the mother and without insulting or aggravating her, give the clothes to her.
you can also keep the child's hair cut and styled in an easy to manage and care for manner.
if the child is old enough, you can teach the child to dress herself and present herself 'better', taking care not to make the child feel bad about how she looks otherwise.
I'm sure you have good sense, good manners, and good taste--you write very intelligently and properly.

 

[jewell3]

Thank you for your reply. The child is old enough to know how to nicely dress and care for herself. She is eight years old. However, due to the lifestyle she has been raised in, she sees the clothes she is dressed in as being normal / appropriate. We have taken her out and bought her very nice clothing and sent them home with her.. only to never once see her wearing them. She gets her feelings hurt when we won't let her go in public places with an extremely oversized sweater that looks as if it were purchased from a resale shop after sitting in an older woman's closet for quite some time ... instead of a nice jacket. It is quite embarrassing for us ... our lifestyle is completely opposite of theirs, and we always hear about it. Guess that's just life.

Also, thank you for your kind compliments!

 

[ellencee]

how about buying her some decent preteen-early teen magazines that show kids her age in the fashions of today? none of Brittney-the pop tart-Spears stuff--just today's fashions in clothes and makeup.

 

[jewell3]

That's a very good idea, and definitely something for us to try. On the same note, however, I'm most definite that her mother would have a fit over it. The last time the child was here, her bangs were hanging down in her eyes... she had told us that she was going to get them cut the month before... but obviously, that never got done. So, since I cut my own hair, and all of my nieces' hair, my husband asked me to trim them up.. and she also wanted me to. I thought maybe it would be courteous of us to request permission from her mother first... so that the child wouldn't get in trouble. Well, I'm sure you already guessed.. she said "no way".. "she'll mess them up". My husband told me that when she's with us, he has say so.. and we went ahead and trimmed them. Come on, that was something simple.. what was the big deal? You know what I mean..

We just have so many problems with this woman. We try to be nice about things because we don't want to stoop to her level.. and we're more mature about the situation. It doesn't help though.

For quite some time, when we went to get the child for the weekend (on my husband's scheduled days) she would deny him his rights... then we would have to go to the police. Well, that never even helped out because she's dating a cop. They wouldn't give her a notice to appear or anything. One night we had to sit out in front of her house while the cop talked to her about letting the child come for her visit... for well over an hour. It gets ridiculous.

Now today we were told that she has put a sticker on her car that says "deadbeat dad". Isn't that nice.. and there's not a darn thing we can do about it. So embarrassing.

What would you do?

 

[ellencee]

I would not validate her actions. I would keep my dignity and never act like I knew the bumpersticker was there. I'm sure you don't care what her friends think; and, I'm sure your friends and people who just see you and your husband are able to realize that you and your husband are above that kind of thing.
If you continue to be above this trivia and care for the girl, providing her with an opportunity to raise her expectations, when she gets a little older, I'm betting she'll emulate yours and your husband's style and not her mother's.
Back to your first post, because it's been on my mind--
You also may want to consider not taking this child to restaurants and such where her clothes and style of dress make her the object of 'ridicule'. People do talk and whisper and one day, she's going to realize that others are doing that, and it's going to hurt her feelings. If she asks why you aren't going to restaurant X, ask her if she wants to go and if she says 'yes', then tell her the restaurant's customers dress 'up' and you've bought her an outfit for when she wants to go. Give her the outfit and see what happens.
I'm a sweater person, any season, almost any occasion, give me the comfort of a sweater--they make some really sharp and stylish sweaters. Maybe you can find her something like she's used to wearing but more appropriate.

 

[dogs]

Jewel113,
Have you ever thought that the mother just dresses her like that when the child is going you guys so you can feel sorry, and buy her more clothes, so the mother doesn't have to.
Or maybe she thinks you guys will give her more money to buy clothes for the daughter.
I Don't know, just a thought

 

[jewell3]

dogs:
I wish that were the case, because there wouldn't be a problem... we would take care of it completely. However, it's not the case. In all honesty, the child is usually sent to our home in some of her better clothing ( which still isn't the greatest ... that's why we are going to start buying her nice clothing to keep here for her). Thank you for the thought though!