Child visitation

[ssbauer]

What is the name of your state? la

Good morning to you, question on this subject that I have asked over the weekend, my teenage son is disappointed in dad and says he hates him, dad is uncooperative, demanding and constantly uses the kids to hurt mom (I'm mom) and now son sees whats going. Son is smart, I think smarter than dad to be quite honest. There was a big situation this weekend where dad was not home to get the kids (his weekend) and so he told them to stay at mom's, son got angry because he saw dad's game and called and questioned why he did that, dad started yelling vulgarities and son hung up phone, he (son) called a little later to apologize to dad and dad said he was trying to enjoy his dinner not to call back (dad is getting married for third time next week), so called again on Saturday to let dad know that he won his game and they would play again that afternoon and wanted to talk about what happened night before, dad stated he was showering not to call again that he would straighten him out when he picked him up after school and game that afternoon, son became scared (dad becomes violent) and cried hysterically not to go to dads. We called dad and tried to explain why, to let things cool down and dad said he was going to have police come and pick up son. ON Sunday, son called dad and left message that he wanted to talk before his Wed visit, he wanted dad to please listen to his feelings and to call him back. Dad never called back. We again tried to talk to dad, he is not responding. What happens if dad does not pick up son for Wednesday visitation? Is he in contempt? He plays too many games.

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state? la

Good morning to you, question on this subject that I have asked over the weekend, my teenage son is disappointed in dad and says he hates him, dad is uncooperative, demanding and constantly uses the kids to hurt mom (I'm mom) and now son sees whats going. Son is smart, I think smarter than dad to be quite honest. There was a big situation this weekend where dad was not home to get the kids (his weekend) and so he told them to stay at mom's, son got angry because he saw dad's game and called and questioned why he did that, dad started yelling vulgarities and son hung up phone, he (son) called a little later to apologize to dad and dad said he was trying to enjoy his dinner not to call back (dad is getting married for third time next week), so called again on Saturday to let dad know that he won his game and they would play again that afternoon and wanted to talk about what happened night before, dad stated he was showering not to call again that he would straighten him out when he picked him up after school and game that afternoon, son became scared (dad becomes violent) and cried hysterically not to go to dads. We called dad and tried to explain why, to let things cool down and dad said he was going to have police come and pick up son. ON Sunday, son called dad and left message that he wanted to talk before his Wed visit, he wanted dad to please listen to his feelings and to call him back. Dad never called back. We again tried to talk to dad, he is not responding. What happens if dad does not pick up son for Wednesday visitation? Is he in contempt? He plays too many games.

You don't say how old your son is...but if he's crying hysterically- you should consider therapy/counseling.

If you do not follow the court order re; visitation then you open yourself up to Dad filing against you for contempt of court.

Police rarely, if ever, physically enforce visitation~ However, they can provide Dad with a police report which is evidence in court for contempt. Do you want to take that risk?

 

[stealth2]

Dad is not required to utilize his visitation. You, however, are required to have the children ready to go and do everything possible to facilitate visitation.

I have to agree with casa - if your teenaged son is crying hysterically, it's time for counseling. If for no other reason than to learn how to deal with the situation. I have a 14yo who is not on the best of terms with his father. However, never in the 8 years since we split up have I ever given him any indication that visitation is for him to choose. He - and his sister - go. Period. They have resources available to learn how to deal with various situations - which is a valuable skill to have in the rest of their lives as well. But they have never been given any indication - regardless of the games their Dad might play - that seeing him is optional. Allowing your son to think it might be.... well, that's a game of it's own.

 

[ssbauer]

We are and have gone through numerous counseling sessions through these five years and have now begun to visit his school counselor. I believe in counseling and will continue to seek help for him to deal with what is going on as well as his 8 year old sister. What are the resources you mention in your reply for your kids to learn to deal?

 

[casa]

We are and have gone through numerous counseling sessions through these five years and have now begun to visit his school counselor. I believe in counseling and will continue to seek help for him to deal with what is going on as well as his 8 year old sister. What are the resources you mention in your reply for your kids to learn to deal?

If a counselor/therapist agrees that visitation is detrimental to the child...then you get their testimony filed in court and ask the court order Dad to attend sessions &/or parenting classes etc.

Other resources are great books being written now which outline various issues re; children of divorced parents. Encouraging your son to start journaling, etc. etc. (especially with the 8 yr old this can be 'fun' way to have an outlet)

 

[ssbauer]

That is a great idea, journaling. Thanks,
Simone

 

[stealth2]

They have an open door to their school counselor. They have a few books dealing with kids, divorce, mixed families, etc (I'd have to dig the titles up). They also know that they can always come to me and I'll help them brainstorm ideas - either through role-playing (I make them play their Dad first while I play them, then we switch), thinking of things they can occupy themselves with when up there, remind them that they have each other to lean on and talk to (and do stuff with). All without any negative commentary about Dad. THAT is, I think, the most important part. I refuse to engage on any level beyond "Dad loves you very much, but neither he nor I are perfect. So if you have a problem with me, or with him, you need to discuss it with me/him." It's not always easy for them. But they know they have my support - w/o any tearing down of Dad.

Your son would not be so upset if he didn't care about his father - and what his father thinks of him. It's your job to do what you can to (a) facilitate their relationship and (b) make you son feel good about himself regardless of how Dad is. Without tearing Dad down.

 

[wtk8j]

If a counselor/therapist agrees that visitation is detrimental to the child...then you get their testimony filed in court and ask the court order Dad to attend sessions &/or parenting classes etc.

Other resources are great books being written now which outline various issues re; children of divorced parents. Encouraging your son to start journaling, etc. etc. (especially with the 8 yr old this can be 'fun' way to have an outlet)

Journaling is an excellent outlet for the kids,we use this practice with my sd ,and it has helped her work through some of her issues.

 

[casa]

They have an open door to their school counselor. They have a few books dealing with kids, divorce, mixed families, etc (I'd have to dig the titles up). They also know that they can always come to me and I'll help them brainstorm ideas - either through role-playing (I make them play their Dad first while I play them, then we switch), thinking of things they can occupy themselves with when up there, remind them that they have each other to lean on and talk to (and do stuff with). All without any negative commentary about Dad. THAT is, I think, the most important part. I refuse to engage on any level beyond "Dad loves you very much, but neither he nor I are perfect. So if you have a problem with me, or with him, you need to discuss it with me/him." It's not always easy for them. But they know they have my support - w/o any tearing down of Dad.

Your son would not be so upset if he didn't care about his father - and what his father thinks of him. It's your job to do what you can to (a) facilitate their relationship and (b) make you son feel good about himself regardless of how Dad is. Without tearing Dad down.

Excellent points Stealth. When a parent is "OK" with the situation, then the child usually follows suit. Most very very 'upset' kids, have a very very 'upset' parent.

 

[stealth2]

Oh - I also told them early on that it is a choice they make whether to have a good time or a crappy time when with their Dad. They both read, have gameboys, cd players, each other, etc. If they choose to have a crappy time, well.... oh well.

This is not to say I'm unsympathetic when crappy things happen (and do they ever happen). But they happen in all parts of life - so use them as life lessons.

 

[ssbauer]

Stealth, yesterday, I didn't like your attitude, but today you are making more sense to me, good sense.
Thanks,
Simone