Complex situation regarding children not wanting to see their dad

[SpedTeacherVB]

Well, since you can't use the letter as proof of anything, and there's no way you'd suck your kids in to court to testify (right?), not to mention that all the letter seemed to contain was unproven allegations, you're kind of out of luck with the letter.

Unless his company has proof?

 

[xylene]

If you reasonably suspect he is driving while intoxicated picking up the children, call the police and report this.

If you believe he is too incapacitated to safely drive, report him to the DMV.

https://www.dmv.virginia.gov/drivers/#medical/review.asp

 

[t74]

You and your teens need to learn about the long term effects of a stroke. Personality changes are certainly possible as are other long term mental deficiencies.

 

[SpedTeacherVB]

You and your teens need to learn about the long term effects of a stroke. Personality changes are certainly possible as are other long term mental deficiencies.

I have spent countless hours learning about this. They had a bad relationship prior to the stroke, but it has deteriorated dramatically. He has cognitive deficits (though it does seem to be improving). He is a year out so the progress is a slow now. However, whether some of this is from stroke or not, my kids safety is number one. He is dealing with depression (he admits it) and is not seeking any mental health counseling. HIs personality itself is not much different, and while the specific behaviors are new, they are in line with the character traits and personal problems we had prior to his stroke. His depression, drinking and poor decision making is just not a safe situation for the kids. They are old enough to help with stroke related deficits and understand the loss of affect, slow responses, etc...And the driving; stroke related I am sure, and not safe.

 

[SpedTeacherVB]

If you reasonably suspect he is driving while intoxicated picking up the children, call the police and report this.

If you believe he is too incapacitated to safely drive, report him to the DMV.

https://www.dmv.virginia.gov/drivers/#medical/review.asp

I thought I needed proof before I called the police? I would never want to call in a frivolous report.

 

[xylene]

I thought I needed proof before I called the police? I would never want to call in a frivolous report.

Look, either your husband is picking up the kids loaded... or he isn't. You aren't gonna breathalyze him! And it wouldn't be admissible anyways.

I mean like it isn't rocket surgery to tell if someone has been drinking.

 

[t74]

There is cognitive therapy available. It was not covered by our health plan but did help. A neuropsyc exam might be beneficial both to him and to establish his ability to cope with teens. In many ways a stroke seems to be similar to dementia when it comes to personality; it seems to counter a person's ability to compensate for undesirable/unhealthy behaviors and irrational, at least to a fully functioning person, conduct.

Your children need to realize that as their father ages, they are likely to become his caregivers and decision makers. They surely would not leave him to fend for himself homeless and on the streets. You need to position them to be more knowledgeable and sympathetic to his situation.

Their, and by extension, your issues are not only legal but medical. I hope you have a good relationship with his family so you can make your concerns known to them as they are more likely to be in the position to obtain appropriate medical evaluation at this time.

Also, your children are old enough that they are capable of handling the situations that come up unless they have mental health/competency issues themselves. I would hate to think that they would abandon him at the earliest opportunity rather than step up and deal with their dad's situation when they become of legal age. He deserves better and so do they. Help them prepare themselves to be compassionate, responsible adults.

 

[LdiJ]

That is how we have managed it thus far. It gets sticky sometimes, but we have managed. They do not and have not spent the night with him in over a year. Unfortunately, the older they get and the more their opinion of their dad deteriorates, and concerns about their safety increase, it gets harder to force them to go. It seems the only way THEY feel comfortable and safe is when it is supervised (at a friends house or if he has a friend around when they visit). I would prefer supervised visits until they were 18 and can choose to see him on their own or choose not to see him at all.

It does appear that dad is deteriorating, and that it is causing problems in his life. Its even possible that he is dealing with some minor brain damage from his stroke that is causing the questionable judgment and deterioration. The thing is that you would need to be able to prove that his deterioration actually puts the children at risk. That is much harder to do when children are teenagers. Your children are old enough to remove themselves from unsafe situations or to call for help if they need it.

While you and the children shouldn't have been reading his mail even if he did leave it out for all to see, that does not diminish the fact that he is clearly deteriorating. Its likely time to get the divorce done and to re-examine the issue of the children's custody and dad's parenting time.

 

[LdiJ]

There is cognitive therapy available. It was not covered by our health plan but did help. A neuropsyc exam might be beneficial both to him and to establish his ability to cope with teens. In many ways a stroke seems to be similar to dementia when it comes to personality; it seems to counter a person's ability to compensate for undesirable/unhealthy behaviors and irrational, at least to a fully functioning person, conduct.

Your children need to realize that as their father ages, they are likely to become his caregivers and decision makers. They surely would not leave him to fend for himself homeless and on the streets. You need to position them to be more knowledgeable and sympathetic to his situation.

Their, and by extension, your issues are not only legal but medical. I hope you have a good relationship with his family so you can make your concerns known to them as they are more likely to be in the position to obtain appropriate medical evaluation at this time.

Also, your children are old enough that they are capable of handling the situations that come up unless they have mental health/competency issues themselves. I would hate to think that they would abandon him at the earliest opportunity rather than step up and deal with their dad's situation when they become of legal age. He deserves better and so do they. Help them prepare themselves to be compassionate, responsible adults.

You are actually promoting the training of younger teenagers to believe that they are responsible for caring for their father, no matter what their relationship is with him???? I am sorry, but I believe that you are totally out of line on this one. That is a totally unfair burden to place on young teenagers. Sympathetic to his situation is fair, but responsible to care for him???...out of line completely.

 

[Just Blue]

There is cognitive therapy available. It was not covered by our health plan but did help. A neuropsyc exam might be beneficial both to him and to establish his ability to cope with teens. In many ways a stroke seems to be similar to dementia when it comes to personality; it seems to counter a person's ability to compensate for undesirable/unhealthy behaviors and irrational, at least to a fully functioning person, conduct.

Your children need to realize that as their father ages, they are likely to become his caregivers and decision makers. They surely would not leave him to fend for himself homeless and on the streets. You need to position them to be more knowledgeable and sympathetic to his situation.

Their, and by extension, your issues are not only legal but medical. I hope you have a good relationship with his family so you can make your concerns known to them as they are more likely to be in the position to obtain appropriate medical evaluation at this time.

Also, your children are old enough that they are capable of handling the situations that come up unless they have mental health/competency issues themselves. I would hate to think that they would abandon him at the earliest opportunity rather than step up and deal with their dad's situation when they become of legal age. He deserves better and so do they. Help them prepare themselves to be compassionate, responsible adults.

You post is bizarre. I don't know what century you think it is...but the days of Adult children caring for an elderly and ailing parent that was uncaring and emotionally abusive to them are LONG GONE. The best the parent can hope for is to be placed in a decent nursing home. If the adult children are really angry it will be reflected in their choice of nursing home.

 

[stealth2]

but the days of Adult children caring for an elderly and ailing parent that was uncaring and emotionally abusive to them are LONG GONE.

You would be surprised at how many do. Join some caregiver pages on FB.

 

[Just Blue]

You would be surprised at how many do. Join some caregiver pages on FB.

That's unfortunate. Personally, the idea of mentally "training" my teenaged child for the care for her abusive Dad when s/he is older, is repellant.

 

[t74]

Our generation gap is showing.

We have only mom's viewpoint. There must have been "good" times or she would not or should not had made 2 children with this supposedly horrible man.

 

[stealth2]

I suspect much stems from an inner child seeking approval from an abusive parent. LOL Luckily, I've already called dibs wrt my kids. Though, actually, I've suggested a family trip to Alaska, where they can set me on an ice floe and shove me off to sea. Assuming they haven't all melted. Hmmm.... Alternate plan - I could feed a starving polar bear? Sorry for going off topic, OP...

 

[t74]

The improvement in a person's cognitive function with mental rehab followin a stroke can be amazing. TO see someone who could barely speak go to playing trivia and doing crossword and logic puzzles is truly amazing. If you have not lived with a person with cognitive difficulties due to stroke, sever mental illness or age related dementia, you have not been challanged to do the "right" thing even when they take out their frustrations on you in not the nicest ways.