CPS documentation

[AppreciateYourHelp]

I have been where you are - my ex has/had pretty much unlimited financial backing too. And he has threatened to litigate me into bankruptcy. Still my filter has been and continues to be BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN. So, again, focus on the best interest of the children first. Keeping the kids out of school is a "best interest of the children issue". If he is unloading on the children -get them into counseling, immediately.

As far as your ex barging into your house, rifling through your mail, put an end to that today. Tell him he is unwelcome in your house and if he steps into it uninvited tell him to leave. Lock your door so he cannot get into it. Bring your mail into your house before child exchanges. You can control that. Unless your children are very young, let them out the door to meet their dad as he pulls up in his car.

When you say he is " mowing down arrangements such as child exchange" - are those arrangements laid out in your custody decree? If not, fall back on what is laid out in your decree and do not waiver from them. If your decree was not written well in terms of how to handle things as the kids age out of daycare, or as they enter after-school activities, then get it fixed once - and be prepared to follow that new decree to the letter.

Be very purposeful in how you chose to act. Stop giving him control. Only communicate about the children. Make all of your communications in writing (email or text) and be very transactional. If he calls, don't answer and get back to him by text. Use a calendaring program (i.e., Google calendar) to share any pertinent information such as school meetings, doctor's appointments, etc.

Sorry I wasn't clear, those events were around the time of the divorce. The reason I brought them up is they remind me how he gets when he feels threatened, and that's making me feel very reticent to try to do anything legally. By the way, the children have been in counseling, one still is. And their best interest is always my guide, even with financial issues, because that would equal greater opportunities for them.

What you describe about communication - that is what I do. I always have. I try to do everything in writing. When he is present and gets personal, I steer the conversation back to the part of the conversation that involves the kids, or end the conversation and ask to continue when we can discuss the issue reasonably. But communication requires someone who actually listens, and you can't tell him anything. To make it extra fun, if he knows something bothers you he will do it more. Like, after he dropped off the kids at my front door once early-on, and physically pushed his way into my house (against my body trying to hold the door shut, against me telling him not to come in) I established the clear boundary of him not coming to my front door, but rather exchanging at the top of the driveway. He did it anyway. He told me flat-out that since we have kids he can come in any time he wants. He said my house is always going to be his house. I got a TRO because I was very worried about him creating scenes in front of the kids, and wanted to be given more control over my personal space to avoid this happening. He got a bunch of friends (mostly from his youth, who live far away) to write letters saying I must be crazy because he would NEVER hit a woman--when that is not what I was saying happened at all...though when I still lived with him he did push me behind a door once and wouldn't let me leave.

Anyway, the judge dropped it. Then he started hugging me in front of the kids, and I would address it later in writing, saying I didn't want to make a scene in front of the kids, but please do not touch me. He would just do it again. When we started exchanging in front of a busy store because of the above, he would park on the far end of the parking lot away from other cars and refuse to drive to me, forcing me to choose between going to this remote place or leaving without the kids. He pushes boundaries. He doesn't do boundaries. And just when you think he's done, he does it again. I have email after email detailing what he just did, followed by clear requests to please do what we agreed upon. When it is bad, it is a constant, exhausting battle.

So, unfortunately going back to court to get this stuff in better detail would not do much. We had a temporary order during the custody process and he didn't adhere to it, judge didn't care. Judge didn't care about ANY of it. Any action I take will just remind my ex how much he hates to be told what to do, and cause further acting out. I've pretty much talked myself out of it because on balance this is probably best.

 

[AppreciateYourHelp]

Honestly? All this does is provide him space in your head - rent-free (credit to the boys down the road). Yes, it's aggravating - infuriating, even - when they don't do what they should, either just because they should or because a court has ordered them to. But... more so, keeping your head in that place is ultimately harmful to you *and* to your kids. Too much stress. Would the extra $$ be of use? Sure. But it's not the end-all and be-all in life. And yes, your kids will come to understand that. At least, mine did. I found it better to let it go (except, IMO, CS), live life simply, and enjoy. It's not a contest, but your kids will see who was always there for them, in important ways. Trust me.

Thank you. I have come to the point of wanting to just forget about it. I still do feel vulnerable about the visitation situation, though.

 

[AlmostThere]

Sorry I wasn't clear, those events were around the time of the divorce. The reason I brought them up is they remind me how he gets when he feels threatened, and that's making me feel very reticent to try to do anything legally. By the way, the children have been in counseling, one still is. And their best interest is always my guide, even with financial issues, because that would equal greater opportunities for them.

What you describe about communication - that is what I do. I always have. I try to do everything in writing. When he is present and gets personal, I steer the conversation back to the part of the conversation that involves the kids, or end the conversation and ask to continue when we can discuss the issue reasonably. But communication requires someone who actually listens, and you can't tell him anything. To make it extra fun, if he knows something bothers you he will do it more. Like, after he dropped off the kids at my front door once early-on, and physically pushed his way into my house (against my body trying to hold the door shut, against me telling him not to come in) I established the clear boundary of him not coming to my front door, but rather exchanging at the top of the driveway. He did it anyway. He told me flat-out that since we have kids he can come in any time he wants. He said my house is always going to be his house. I got a TRO because I was very worried about him creating scenes in front of the kids, and wanted to be given more control over my personal space to avoid this happening. He got a bunch of friends (mostly from his youth, who live far away) to write letters saying I must be crazy because he would NEVER hit a woman--when that is not what I was saying happened at all...though when I still lived with him he did push me behind a door once and wouldn't let me leave.

Anyway, the judge dropped it. Then he started hugging me in front of the kids, and I would address it later in writing, saying I didn't want to make a scene in front of the kids, but please do not touch me. He would just do it again. When we started exchanging in front of a busy store because of the above, he would park on the far end of the parking lot away from other cars and refuse to drive to me, forcing me to choose between going to this remote place or leaving without the kids. He pushes boundaries. He doesn't do boundaries. And just when you think he's done, he does it again. I have email after email detailing what he just did, followed by clear requests to please do what we agreed upon. When it is bad, it is a constant, exhausting battle.

So, unfortunately going back to court to get this stuff in better detail would not do much. We had a temporary order during the custody process and he didn't adhere to it, judge didn't care. Judge didn't care about ANY of it. Any action I take will just remind my ex how much he hates to be told what to do, and cause further acting out. I've pretty much talked myself out of it because on balance this is probably best.

You can choose to take back your power. You can continue what you are doing, which is not working or do something else. As long as you continue to do what you are doing, you are choosing to be a victim.

Request or manipulate that all child exchanges happen in public. At a supermarket. At a police station. At a library. At one of the thousands of places near by. Heck, some even have security cameras so if he misbehaves, it will be documented.

Make exchanges that only involve one parent. One person drops off at school, the other picks up at the end of the day.

Install an obvious security camera or even a ring doorbell at your front door.

If he wants to talk to you about a child issue in person, tell him you have to leave and that you will get back to him. AND LEAVE. Then pick it up via text or email. Be transactional.

You cannot control what he does, or how he treats you. If you could not do that when you are married, you cannot do it now. What you can do is change the environment and how you react.

 

[Ohiogal]

You can choose to take back your power. You can continue what you are doing, which is not working or do something else. As long as you continue to do what you are doing, you are choosing to be a victim.

Request or manipulate that all child exchanges happen in public. At a supermarket. At a police station. At a library. At one of the thousands of places near by. Heck, some even have security cameras so if he misbehaves, it will be documented.

Make exchanges that only involve one parent. One person drops off at school, the other picks up at the end of the day.

Install an obvious security camera or even a ring doorbell at your front door.

If he wants to talk to you about a child issue in person, tell him you have to leave and that you will get back to him. AND LEAVE. Then pick it up via text or email. Be transactional.

You cannot control what he does, or how he treats you. If you could not do that when you are married, you cannot do it now. What you can do is change the environment and how you react.

This. Totally this. Yep.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Amen @AlmostThere !

De-drama the situation.

Anyway, the judge dropped it. Then he started hugging me in front of the kids, and I would address it later in writing, saying I didn't want to make a scene in front of the kids, but please do not touch me. He would just do it again. When we started exchanging in front of a busy store because of the above, he would park on the far end of the parking lot away from other cars and refuse to drive to me, forcing me to choose between going to this remote place or leaving without the kids. He pushes boundaries. He doesn't do boundaries. And just when you think he's done, he does it again. I have email after email detailing what he just did, followed by clear requests to please do what we agreed upon. When it is bad, it is a constant, exhausting battle.

Why didn't you choose to let him leave without the kids?

Seriously, what's he going to say to the judge? That he left without the kids because he was unwilling to meet up to exchange in a public place?

 

[AppreciateYourHelp]

Amen @AlmostThere !

De-drama the situation.



Why didn't you choose to let him leave without the kids?

Seriously, what's he going to say to the judge? That he left without the kids because he was unwilling to meet up to exchange in a public place?

He HAD the kids. I was trying to pick them up from him.

 

[AppreciateYourHelp]

You can choose to take back your power. You can continue what you are doing, which is not working or do something else. As long as you continue to do what you are doing, you are choosing to be a victim.

What you perceive as me feeling like a victim is very much the result of me fighting very hard and trying to draw attention to these issues to make structural changes that will protect the peace and not being heard, coupled with an ex who does not care about agreements to begin with, and who has been conditioned to know that no one else here seems to, either.

I did not start out feeling so helpless; this feeling was acquired. I feel like people are assuming that I must be doing it wrong if this is what's going on, what has happened. But some people just live to make things difficult for you, and despite my best efforts I have not been able to avoid all of it...especially since the courts passively accept this behavior.

Most people who know both of us marvel with me at how if you hadn't experienced this person for yourself, it would be hard to grasp just how insidiously difficult they are. They also marvel at how level-headed I remain despite having to deal with with years and years of bizarro world.

Request or manipulate that all child exchanges happen in public. At a supermarket. At a police station. At a library. At one of the thousands of places near by. Heck, some even have security cameras so if he misbehaves, it will be documented.

I did this. And I began taping the exchanges myself (one party state). And he did things like keep the kids in his car at a remote part of the parking lot, as described above. Around this time he also abruptly picked up our infant daughter from daycare and kept her for the whole day without having any food for her. I had pumped and it was at the fridge at daycare, but he took her and just left before the daycare provider could give it to him. Refused to answer his phone when I tried to figure out where she was and what he was feeding her, finally texted me "I gave her goat's milk", and returned her hours later.

And this stuff happened and was discussed with the judge during the custody process, when we were having hearings. Presented with all of this, the judge did not even address his behavior but rather gave him more parenting time.

This court has a reputation among lawyers and GALs for being very pro-dad, for whatever that's worth. This judge is known as the "AnyDad Judge" meaning any dad is just assumed to be great.

Make exchanges that only involve one parent. One person drops off at school, the other picks up at the end of the day.

This was the arrangement once the kids started school. It has been easier since. The major acting out I'm reflecting on was in the past, and I'm bracing for if we go back to court.

Install an obvious security camera or even a ring doorbell at your front door.

I did that.

If he wants to talk to you about a child issue in person, tell him you have to leave and that you will get back to him. AND LEAVE. Then pick it up via text or email. Be transactional.

I do this, generally, especially since the kids are present.

You cannot control what he does, or how he treats you. If you could not do that when you are married, you cannot do it now. What you can do is change the environment and how you react.

I am so aware of this.