Curious about custody arrangements...

[Lovingmom1]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

How often (on average) do parents split custody 50/50 if both parents are stable, employed and fairly sane (haha)?
Is it frequent or is it more common that one parent has more time with the child?
Also, what is the most common split? Is 7 on and 7 off a good situation for the child if the parents live within 5 minutes of each other?

 

[WittyUserName]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

How often (on average) do parents split custody 50/50 if both parents are stable, employed and fairly sane (haha)?
Is it frequent or is it more common that one parent has more time with the child?
Also, what is the most common split? Is 7 on and 7 off a good situation for the child if the parents live within 5 minutes of each other?

How old is the child? Is this a first time custody decision or a modification?
50/50 can work if parents can get along well and maintain an amicable relationship, but it's not always the usual setup. In some jurisdictions the "normal" schedule ordered by a judge could be different. There's no one-size-fits-all solution.

Are you Mom in this situation?

 

[mistoffolees]

For it to work well, the two parties need to be close enough that getting the kids to school and activities isn't a problem. 5 minutes is certainly close enough. The parents need to be willing to work together and put the child ahead of their own differences. The parents need to be flexible to take minor problems in stride (like having to make a trip to the other house because the child forgot something he/she needs). The parents need to be willing to talk regularly about what the child needs. And the parents need to put up with the hassle of taking things back and forth (or buying duplicates of everything). If there are pets, it is often helpful if the pet travels, too (which is easier on dogs than cats). And it works best when the child(ren) has(ve) a close relationship with both parents.

I'm confident that it's not the majority. If I had to guess, I'd say it's probably something like 10% of divorces that are at 50:50 or close.

As to the schedule, different people will give you different answers - and it depends very much on what works for everyone involved. Keep in mind that the smaller the time frame, the more exchanges you'll have. If you have a 6 year old child and exchange every week, that's 600 exchanges before adulthood. If you exchange twice a week, double that. I personally like every week exchanges, but that's not universal. I wonder how 2 weeks on 2 weeks off would work with an older child?

Also, what works at one age might not work at another. For a young child, changing mid-week might not be a problem or 50:50 if the parents live farther apart might not be a problem. But once they're in school, proximity is important. Once the kid is older and working, dating, etc, he/she may prefer a single primary residence (particularly if walking to work or school, for example).

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

How often (on average) do parents split custody 50/50 if both parents are stable, employed and fairly sane (haha)?
Is it frequent or is it more common that one parent has more time with the child?
Also, what is the most common split? Is 7 on and 7 off a good situation for the child if the parents live within 5 minutes of each other?

Didn't you have a tread that you deleted?

 

[Lovingmom1]

How old is the child? Is this a first time custody decision or a modification?
50/50 can work if parents can get along well and maintain an amicable relationship, but it's not always the usual setup. In some jurisdictions the "normal" schedule ordered by a judge could be different. There's no one-size-fits-all solution.

Are you Mom in this situation?

The child is 4 years old, and it is the 4th "experimental" (word used by the judge) custody arrangement. Some of them have been decent, others have bounced the child back and forth between mom and dad daily or even for a few hours, and seems to cause confusion and confliction with the child.

I am not mom. This is my boyfriends situation, and he would love to have 50/50 and is fighting for such. He would like 7 on and 7 off, but mom won't agree to it since she feels she will miss the child too much.

The last arrangement was a 14 day stint-6 days to dad (Friday after school to Wednesday after school), 8 days to mom with dad having an overnight in the middle. It works out to be just under 50/50, and the child seems to be pretty happy with the stability of more than one night or a few hours with each parent. My boyfriend is also happy with this, but has wondered if a straight 7 on 7 off would be worth the fight.

 

[Lovingmom1]

For it to work well, the two parties need to be close enough that getting the kids to school and activities isn't a problem. 5 minutes is certainly close enough. The parents need to be willing to work together and put the child ahead of their own differences. The parents need to be flexible to take minor problems in stride (like having to make a trip to the other house because the child forgot something he/she needs). The parents need to be willing to talk regularly about what the child needs. And the parents need to put up with the hassle of taking things back and forth (or buying duplicates of everything). If there are pets, it is often helpful if the pet travels, too (which is easier on dogs than cats). And it works best when the child(ren) has(ve) a close relationship with both parents.

I'm confident that it's not the majority. If I had to guess, I'd say it's probably something like 10% of divorces that are at 50:50 or close.

As to the schedule, different people will give you different answers - and it depends very much on what works for everyone involved. Keep in mind that the smaller the time frame, the more exchanges you'll have. If you have a 6 year old child and exchange every week, that's 600 exchanges before adulthood. If you exchange twice a week, double that. I personally like every week exchanges, but that's not universal. I wonder how 2 weeks on 2 weeks off would work with an older child?

Also, what works at one age might not work at another. For a young child, changing mid-week might not be a problem or 50:50 if the parents live farther apart might not be a problem. But once they're in school, proximity is important. Once the kid is older and working, dating, etc, he/she may prefer a single primary residence (particularly if walking to work or school, for example).

Excellent. Thank you.

Additional question, the judge continues to force 30 day or 60 day experimental visitation arrangements on these two parents despite their suggestions/requests. Do parents get a say in it all or is it completely up to a judge?

 

[WittyUserName]

The child is 4 years old, and it is the 4th "experimental" (word used by the judge) custody arrangement. Some of them have been decent, others have bounced the child back and forth between mom and dad daily or even for a few hours, and seems to cause confusion and confliction with the child.

I am not mom. This is my boyfriends situation, and he would love to have 50/50 and is fighting for such. He would like 7 on and 7 off, but mom won't agree to it since she feels she will miss the child too much.

The last arrangement was a 14 day stint-6 days to dad (Friday after school to Wednesday after school), 8 days to mom with dad having an overnight in the middle. It works out to be just under 50/50, and the child seems to be pretty happy with the stability of more than one night or a few hours with each parent. My boyfriend is also happy with this, but has wondered if a straight 7 on 7 off would be worth the fight.

Did you, in fact, delete a thread? Because we are volunteers and it's disappointing to have my time wasted....

I think if Dad is happy with this he should let it lie.

 

[WittyUserName]

Excellent. Thank you.

Additional question, the judge continues to force 30 day or 60 day experimental visitation arrangements on these two parents despite their suggestions/requests. Do parents get a say in it all or is it completely up to a judge?

If parents can't get along then it's up to a judge.

 

[CJane]

Excellent. Thank you.

Additional question, the judge continues to force 30 day or 60 day experimental visitation arrangements on these two parents despite their suggestions/requests. Do parents get a say in it all or is it completely up to a judge?

Mostly, it's up to the judge.

If the parents could come to an AGREEMENT and file it with the court, then it would be up to them.

But they didn't.

I do think it's weird that the judge is experimenting so much. But it's probably well within the bounds of judicial discretion.

If the child is happy with the arrangement NOW (and I frankly prefer the close-to-50/50 plans where each parent has part of each week over the week on/week off plans), then why would Dad fight to change it?

Misto? I'm perfectly happy letting my KIDS go back and forth between homes, but there is no way in HE** my DOGS would. Though it would be QUITE funny to see HisLovelyWife's face when I walked Beauregard out there and put all 160lbs of him in the minivan... She made sure that the elderly German Shepard and the cat were both kicked out of the house the second she moved in, and after the GSD died, she banned everyone in the household from buying cat food. Said the cat could fend for itself or find a new home.

 

[Lovingmom1]

Mostly, it's up to the judge.

If the parents could come to an AGREEMENT and file it with the court, then it would be up to them.

But they didn't.

I do think it's weird that the judge is experimenting so much. But it's probably well within the bounds of judicial discretion.

If the child is happy with the arrangement NOW (and I frankly prefer the close-to-50/50 plans where each parent has part of each week over the week on/week off plans), then why would Dad fight to change it?

Misto? I'm perfectly happy letting my KIDS go back and forth between homes, but there is no way in HE** my DOGS would. Though it would be QUITE funny to see HisLovelyWife's face when I walked Beauregard out there and put all 160lbs of him in the minivan... She made sure that the elderly German Shepard and the cat were both kicked out of the house the second she moved in, and after the GSD died, she banned everyone in the household from buying cat food. Said the cat could fend for itself or find a new home.

Excellent point. They did not come to an agreement. I just wondered how much power the parents actually had in deciding a visitation agreement.

The reasons for continuing to fight would be the stability of 7 on/7 off instead of bouncing back and forth mid-week. He is considering leaving it the way it is, but has just toyed with the idea of 7 on/7 off being better for his daughter. He's just considering his options and what might be best.

 

[mistoffolees]

Misto? I'm perfectly happy letting my KIDS go back and forth between homes, but there is no way in HE** my DOGS would. Though it would be QUITE funny to see HisLovelyWife's face when I walked Beauregard out there and put all 160lbs of him in the minivan... She made sure that the elderly German Shepard and the cat were both kicked out of the house the second she moved in, and after the GSD died, she banned everyone in the household from buying cat food. Said the cat could fend for itself or find a new home.

Obviously, this is situation dependent. My daughter is very attached to her cat and neither one of us minds having it, so the cat goes back and forth.

The dog stays at Mom's house - at the time we started the arrangement, I was traveling enough that it was a problem with a dog (the cat can fend for itself for a few days).

 

[Lovingmom1]

And just to add....both parents get along fairly well in the grand scheme of things, and seem to be able to communicate and work together pretty well.

 

[Just Blue]

And just to add....both parents get along fairly well in the grand scheme of things, and seem to be able to communicate and work together pretty well.

Did. You. Delete. A. Thread.?????????????????????

 

[CJane]

Did. You. Delete. A. Thread.?????????????????????

OP only has 5 posts and they're all in this thread.

 

[CJane]

Obviously, this is situation dependent. My daughter is very attached to her cat and neither one of us minds having it, so the cat goes back and forth.

The dog stays at Mom's house - at the time we started the arrangement, I was traveling enough that it was a problem with a dog (the cat can fend for itself for a few days).

It WOULD be nice. Funny too.

I get to keep ALL the pets. (almost typed pests!)

The fish.
The turtle.
The rats.
The chickens (yes, chickens).
The dogs.
The cats.
The hamsters.
The parakeet.
The frogs.

Thankfully, some/most of them have gone to animal heaven and we're just down to the dogs and cats and turtle and fish. Some of which are a lot more like decorations than pets.