custody with Protection order

[kkruger]

Illinois.
Hi all,
I have 2 sons (2 yo and 10 mths). I Obtained a 2y restraining order against dad when I was pregnant with our 2nd son because he slapped me (in 2018). I was recently served with a parentage right paper that stated he wanted 50/50 custody of the kids. I know the kids have the right and should know their dad but I am not comfortable with a 50/50 arrangement. I would like to propose a reunification plan (as he has never seen the youngest boy and haven't seen the oldest since he was 1yo). I hope the reunification plan will start with some supervised visits that will eventually lead to every other weekends visits but nothing more. What are my chances? Am I being unreasonable. For those of you who have dealt with a step by step plan, will he have to go to court after every step to petition for the next step or are all the steps listed in one order?
My reasons for not wanting 50/50 are
1- he lives about 3 hours away and our oldest boy is to start pre-K around March 2020 (I have a meeting with school district to discuss that later this month ). The back and forth might be too much for them.
2- we both work M-F 9-5, I live with my mom who took an anticipated retirement to watch her grand kids full time, he will have to put the kids in daycare, is it better for the kids to be in daycare than with a relatives? I suppose he will say that he can have his mom watch the kids too she lives an hour away.
3-the only reason he wants 50/50 is to avoid paying CS which he still isn't paying( No court order, but it I will add it to my response)
4- The kids are ways too young to be balanced from one house to another.
5- Also, I have text msgs he sent me telling me he will take our son away from me (These where sent when he found out I asked for a restrain order)
6- how will we possibly coparent 50/50 with a protection order in place?

I will appreciate your input.

Thank you,

K. K.

 

[LdiJ]

Illinois.
Hi all,
I have 2 sons (2 yo and 10 mths). I Obtained a 2y restraining order against dad when I was pregnant with our 2nd son because he slapped me (in 2018). I was recently served with a parentage right paper that stated he wanted 50/50 custody of the kids. I know the kids have the right and should know their dad but I am not comfortable with a 50/50 arrangement. I would like to propose a reunification plan (as he has never seen the youngest boy and haven't seen the oldest since he was 1yo). I hope the reunification plan will start with some supervised visits that will eventually lead to every other weekends visits but nothing more. What are my chances? Am I being unreasonable. For those of you who have dealt with a step by step plan, will he have to go to court after every step to petition for the next step or are all the steps listed in one order?
My reasons for not wanting 50/50 are
1- he lives about 3 hours away and our oldest boy is to start pre-K around March 2020 (I have a meeting with school district to discuss that later this month ). The back and forth might be too much for them.
2- we both work M-F 9-5, I live with my mom who took an anticipated retirement to watch her grand kids full time, he will have to put the kids in daycare, is it better for the kids to be in daycare than with a relatives? I suppose he will say that he can have his mom watch the kids too she lives an hour away.
3-the only reason he wants 50/50 is to avoid paying CS which he still isn't paying( No court order, but it I will add it to my response)
4- The kids are ways too young to be balanced from one house to another.
5- Also, I have text msgs he sent me telling me he will take our son away from me (These where sent when he found out I asked for a restrain order)
6- how will we possibly coparent 50/50 with a protection order in place?

I will appreciate your input.

Thank you,

K. K.

50/50 is very unlikely with that kind of distance between the two parents unless you were to roll over and agree to it. 50/50 would also be impossible once the children are in regular school so you would end up back in court with another custody case on your hands once the oldest was ready for regular school. Judges know that and therefore are unlikely to award 50/50 when one of the parents has chosen to live far away from the children. On top of that, with him being a stranger to them 50/50 is not reasonable anyway.

 

[stealth2]

Also, be aware that pre-K attendance is unlikely to factor into a parenting time schedule. Until the child is five and in actual school, it doesn't matter.

 

[kkruger]

50/50 is very unlikely with that kind of distance between the two parents unless you were to roll over and agree to it. 50/50 would also be impossible once the children are in regular school so you would end up back in court with another custody case on your hands once the oldest was ready for regular school. Judges know that and therefore are unlikely to award 50/50 when one of the parents has chosen to live far away from the children. On top of that, with him being a stranger to them 50/50 is not reasonable anyway.

Thanks for your reply,
Have you encountered step by step order? Are all the steps included in one order or the parties have to petition for change once a step is completed. Eg: can the order be drafted as follows, supervised visits for x number of time then unsupervised visits for x number of time, then overnights.. so on (can these be in one order or must we go back at the end of each step to petition for the next step)
Also, does the fact that my mom can babysit vs he has to send the kids to daycare, an important point for the judge?

 

[stealth2]

Also, does the fact that my mom can babysit vs he has to send the kids to daycare, an important point for the judge?

A baby sitter is a baby sitter (i.e grandma vs daycare).

A step-up plan can be drafted either way you mention. But generally, I suspect the court would rather see it all in one, rather than seeing you every few months.

 

[kkruger]

Also, be aware that pre-K attendance is unlikely to factor into a parenting time schedule. Until the child is five and in actual school, it doesn't matter.

Ohh,
Good to know. Thanks.
Will it matter if the prek was recommended by the child's speech therapist? (He is not talking yet, been doing speech therapy and therapist recommended he starts pre-k)

Thank you again

 

[kkruger]

A baby sitter is a baby sitter (i.e grandma vs daycare).

A step-up plan can be drafted either way you mention. But generally, I suspect the court would rather see it all in one, rather than seeing you every few months.

Ok,
So he might get 50/50 at the end of the step up plan if he decides to move over?

 

[stealth2]

Ok,
So he might get 50/50 at the end of the step up plan if he decides to move over?

Anything is possible.

And honestly, pre-K, especially at 2-3 years old, is a glorified daycare.

 

[LdiJ]

Ok,
So he might get 50/50 at the end of the step up plan if he decides to move over?

Possibly, possible not. I would NOT agree to a stepped up plan that includes a 50/50 timeshare at the end, whether he decides to move to your community or not. You have no idea at this point in time whether or not he will develop the kind of relationship with the children that makes 50/50 workable at all. It is also unlikely that a judge would give dad a stepped up plan that eventually arrives at 50/50 either, for the same reason.

A normal stepped up plan in a scenario like yours would be dad visiting twice a month for a couple of months, supervised by an adult that is well known to the child. Then, a couple of months of visits in your community with dad having the children unsupervised overnight. Then a couple of months of visits in your community with dad having the whole weekend, then dad having weekends in his community and some holidays, with some extended time in the summer. As the children get older the extended summer time would increase until dad had most of the summer.

One thing I like to see in a stepped up plan is that the parent must complete each step before moving on to the next. Some parents opt not to exercise the steps that they find inconvenient, and expect to jump right into the later steps that they find less inconvenient.

 

[Ohiogal]

Possibly, possible not. I would NOT agree to a stepped up plan that includes a 50/50 timeshare at the end, whether he decides to move to your community or not. You have no idea at this point in time whether or not he will develop the kind of relationship with the children that makes 50/50 workable at all. It is also unlikely that a judge would give dad a stepped up plan that eventually arrives at 50/50 either, for the same reason.

A normal stepped up plan in a scenario like yours would be dad visiting twice a month for a couple of months, supervised by an adult that is well known to the child. Then, a couple of months of visits in your community with dad having the children unsupervised overnight. Then a couple of months of visits in your community with dad having the whole weekend, then dad having weekends in his community and some holidays, with some extended time in the summer. As the children get older the extended summer time would increase until dad had most of the summer.

One thing I like to see in a stepped up plan is that the parent must complete each step before moving on to the next. Some parents opt not to exercise the steps that they find inconvenient, and expect to jump right into the later steps that they find less inconvenient.

Please bear in mind that LD does not research the law, has no clue about the law and is not in your state. She also tends to tell mothers exactly what they want to hear.

 

[kkruger]

Possibly, possible not. I would NOT agree to a stepped up plan that includes a 50/50 timeshare at the end, whether he decides to move to your community or not. You have no idea at this point in time whether or not he will develop the kind of relationship with the children that makes 50/50 workable at all. It is also unlikely that a judge would give dad a stepped up plan that eventually arrives at 50/50 either, for the same reason.

A normal stepped up plan in a scenario like yours would be dad visiting twice a month for a couple of months, supervised by an adult that is well known to the child. Then, a couple of months of visits in your community with dad having the children unsupervised overnight. Then a couple of months of visits in your community with dad having the whole weekend, then dad having weekends in his community and some holidays, with some extended time in the summer. As the children get older the extended summer time would increase until dad had most of the summer.

One thing I like to see in a stepped up plan is that the parent must complete each step before moving on to the next. Some parents opt not to exercise the steps that they find inconvenient, and expect to jump right into the later steps that they find less inconvenient.

Thank you for your answer.
The plan you have drawn is really close to what I have in mind.
And I thought of adding the part on "succesful completion of a step before moving on to the next"

 

[kkruger]

Please bear in mind that LD does not research the law, has no clue about the law and is not in your state. She also tends to tell mothers exactly what they want to hear.

Ok,
What would you add or correct in what she said? What do you suggest? what advice can you give me in respect to my case?
Thank you all so much,
I want to go in there with realistics expectations.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Ok,
What would you add or correct in what she said? What do you suggest? what advice can you give me in respect to my case?
Thank you all so much,
I want to go in there with realistics expectations.

Get an initial consult with a lawyer. (Or 2 or 3.) This does not mean that you are agreeing to be represented by the lawyer, only that you are considering it. Choose who you consult based on credible references - since you have been the victim of domestic violence, it would not hurt to contact the local organization(s) that serve victims of domestic violence and ask for advice and/or help.

Keep in mind the phrase, "best interest of the child" and incorporate it into you thought process on the subject. The past text messages are irrelevant; the current restraining order is relevant, but absent a founded child abuse case it is more a logistical problem for parental communication than a barrier to visitation.

Ask that all communications between parents go through an app/site (different courts have different preferences), so that all communications are documented and admissible in court.

There is little that can be said definitively in a public forum. None of us know you, your ex, and how the judge will perceive you. The same judge can see two similar situations very differently and come to different rulings accordingly. The very different legal outcomes are due to the details. One big legal misstep can hurt your credibility with the court for years.

 

[kkruger]

Get an initial consult with a lawyer. (Or 2 or 3.) This does not mean that you are agreeing to be represented by the lawyer, only that you are considering it. Choose who you consult based on credible references - since you have been the victim of domestic violence, it would not hurt to contact the local organization(s) that serve victims of domestic violence and ask for advice and/or help.

Keep in mind the phrase, "best interest of the child" and incorporate it into you thought process on the subject. The past text messages are irrelevant; the current restraining order is relevant, but absent a founded child abuse case it is more a logistical problem for parental communication than a barrier to visitation.

Ask that all communications between parents go through an app/site (different courts have different preferences), so that all communications are documented and admissible in court.

There is little that can be said definitively in a public forum. None of us know you, your ex, and how the judge will perceive you. The same judge can see two similar situations very differently and come to different rulings accordingly. The very different legal outcomes are due to the details. One big legal misstep can hurt your credibility with the court for years.

Thank you so much.
I am convinced the best interest of the child is eow schedule for him (I know, my convictions are not facts). I'm saving for a lawyer I've spoken with few but the retainer fees are just way to high and I don't qualify for aid.
I understand no one can predict the judge's decision but I thought with him being away for over a year and the kids being very young I had ground to request a step up plan that ends with eow. But with your inputs I realize he might get 50/50 if he decides to move closer.
Thank you all for your honest opinions and advices.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Thank you so much.
I am convinced the best interest of the child is eow schedule for him (I know, my convictions are not facts). I'm saving for a lawyer I've spoken with few but the retainer fees are just way to high and I don't qualify for aid.
I understand no one can predict the judge's decision but I thought with him being away for over a year and the kids being very young I had ground to request a step up plan that ends with eow. But with your inputs I realize he might get 50/50 if he decides to move closer.
Thank you all for your honest opinions and advices.

And he might not.

It all depends on how you present yourself, how he presents himself, and details we'd have no idea about.