Dad needs situational help

[oreowing1]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

Hello. I am seeking legal and informational advice from the people on this website who are knowledgeable in the area of child laws and custody.

i am a 44 year old male who is still legally married, but have been seperated (not legally) from my wife for 10 plus years. i live in New York State, and my wife lives in Las Vegas, NV. i have a 14 year old son, who will be 15 in December. There is no custody established between myself, and my wife. i am court ordered to pay child support.


My son visits me and my family every year for about 2 weeks during the summer. This year, he arrived on tuesday, august 5th, and will be here until aug 20th. He has informed me that he is not happy with his school, and dosent get the help that he needs. he has ADHD, ADD, and Torrettes syndrom. He has also been caught with pot, but swears to me he has stoped smoking pot, but does smoke cigarettes. He is a very smart and knowledgable young man.


My question is this. My son asked me a question that in a way shocked me. He asked me if he could move here to Lake Placid, go to school here, and try a fresh start with his dad. i thought it was a wonderful idea, however my wife does not. I do have a checkered past, IE: drug addiction, addictive personality. On the good side, i went to detox a year ago july and from there, into outpatient rehab, and have been there almost a year. I just enrolled in college, in a BA of science/ Computer Forensics degree program. I am happy to say that i am turning my life around.

At what age, can a minor decide what he wants to do, and where he wants to go and live. This is not a custody battle, for his mom is a good mom, but she is having major difficulties being alone, and raising two children. she still dosent want to give him up to me, but i have no roll in this, it was my sons question, and this is his wishes. he has aunts and uncles, grandparents, and many cousins here. he has none in Las Vegas. Being no custody established, what are the ramifications, if i were to just keep him? This is not what either one of us(myself or my son) want to do. at 14, can he legally decide, that he dosent want to go back there? please, only people who are knowledgable in this area. i dont want to hear something that isnt true, and then find out im wanted for kidnapping.

Thank you all in advance for your help in this delicate, touchy situation.

 

[Isis1]

minors never get so decide anything about custody. EVER. having a preference is a different story. he can decide what he wants to do when he is 18.

send kid back home. if you chose to file for custody, that would be the legal route.

 

[fairisfair]

minors never get so decide anything about custody. EVER. having a preference is a different story. he can decide what he wants to do when he is 18.

send kid back home. if you chose to file for custody, that would be the legal route.

uh that isn't necessarily true...however in this poster's state, it is correct.

 

[escape2paradise]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

Hello. I am seeking legal and informational advice from the people on this website who are knowledgeable in the area of child laws and custody.

i am a 44 year old male who is still legally married, but have been seperated (not legally) from my wife for 10 plus years. i live in New York State, and my wife lives in Las Vegas, NV. i have a 14 year old son, who will be 15 in December. There is no custody established between myself, and my wife. i am court ordered to pay child support.


My son visits me and my family every year for about 2 weeks during the summer. This year, he arrived on tuesday, august 5th, and will be here until aug 20th. He has informed me that he is not happy with his school, and dosent get the help that he needs. he has ADHD, ADD, and Torrettes syndrom. He has also been caught with pot, but swears to me he has stoped smoking pot, but does smoke cigarettes. He is a very smart and knowledgable young man.


My question is this. My son asked me a question that in a way shocked me. He asked me if he could move here to Lake Placid, go to school here, and try a fresh start with his dad. i thought it was a wonderful idea, however my wife does not. I do have a checkered past, IE: drug addiction, addictive personality. On the good side, i went to detox a year ago july and from there, into outpatient rehab, and have been there almost a year. I just enrolled in college, in a BA of science/ Computer Forensics degree program. I am happy to say that i am turning my life around.

At what age, can a minor decide what he wants to do, and where he wants to go and live. This is not a custody battle, for his mom is a good mom, but she is having major difficulties being alone, and raising two children. she still dosent want to give him up to me, but i have no roll in this, it was my sons question, and this is his wishes. he has aunts and uncles, grandparents, and many cousins here. he has none in Las Vegas. Being no custody established, what are the ramifications, if i were to just keep him? This is not what either one of us(myself or my son) want to do. at 14, can he legally decide, that he dosent want to go back there? please, only people who are knowledgable in this area. i dont want to hear something that isnt true, and then find out im wanted for kidnapping.

Thank you all in advance for your help in this delicate, touchy situation.

No, son can not choose where he wants to live until he is 18! No, you can't just keep him. You are not legally dad, you are legally a stranger!

If you take this to court you are likely to lose. Sorry, but given your past, given son has always resided with mom, given the distance etc...your chances of obtaining custody are slim to none, don't waste your time and money. Instead focus on how you can help your son. Maybe you should consider moving closer to son.

 

[Isis1]

No, son can not choose where he wants to live until he is 18! No, you can't just keep him. You are not legally dad, you are legally a stranger!

If you take this to court you are likely to lose. Sorry, but given your past, given son has always resided with mom, given the distance etc...your chances of obtaining custody are slim to none, don't waste your time and money. Instead focus on how you can help your son. Maybe you should consider moving closer to son.

since mom and dad are still legally married, doesn't dad have joint custody in a legal sense? however wasn't that established with the child support as to WHO has custody?

 

[escape2paradise]

since mom and dad are still legally married, doesn't dad have joint custody in a legal sense? however wasn't that established with the child support as to WHO has custody?

Sorry my bad, I just got off another thread and meshed the to two. Dad is not a legal stranger here, but the rest still stands. He still can't just keep the child, it would look awful to the courts.

 

[BL]

Poster , the child does not get to decide as was stated .

If you chose to keep the child , Mom can Immediately go to Court in her State and get an Emergency Custody Order , and you will have to return the child , and then most likely a full blown Custody/Visitation trial will ensue .

You haven't been clean really for that long , and you pursuing a career .

Don't get boggled down , also congrats out your efforts .

An interesting comment I believe you stated is that your Son told you all of this .

Have you ever exercised your rights to his educational records ?

What he tells you and what really is going on would be in your best interest to know .

 

[Isis1]

especially if it's not an emergency. it may be considered a change of circumstance with all of the son's issues, but given dad's situation is so recent he's still considered in the recovery phase, so that argument may not work well for him.
maybe get custody established and orders having the child in therapy, tutoring, constant contact with dad such as via internet, webcam and phone so maybe dad can be more interactive long distance wise.

 

[Farfalla]

oreowing1,

It's not unusual for a child of this age to want to go live with the other parent. I've known a lot of kids who wanted this and many who did it. Some with the blessing of the parent they lived with most of their lives... and a couple who ran away to do it... hitch hicking to dad's.

Often these kids just want to get to know their other parent better... not a bad thing. Othes have told you correctly that you cannot keep him there without some significant trouble, trouble that will most likely cause you problem with your new path in life. Maybe its just time, while you are getting your life together to get your relationship with your son more into focus. Even from a long distance you can be very much more invovled. If he wants to go to college, can he go to one in your area? Can y ou take vacations to where he lives and spend some extra time there with him? There are ways to do this without ending up in court and thus giving him what he wants.... to get to know dad better.

If he is having problems in school you can get more invovled in that too.... even from a long distance.

 

[acmb05]

uh that isn't necessarily true...however in this poster's state, it is correct.

Please name one state where a minor gets to decide this. it used to be Georgia was the only state but they repealed that law this year.

 

[LdiJ]

Please name one state where a minor gets to decide this. it used to be Georgia was the only state but they repealed that law this year.

They didn't repeal it, they just toned it down a notch or two. It was amended, not repealed. The child still gets to state a preference, but its no longer controlling.

 

[LdiJ]

oreowing1,

It's not unusual for a child of this age to want to go live with the other parent. I've known a lot of kids who wanted this and many who did it. Some with the blessing of the parent they lived with most of their lives... and a couple who ran away to do it... hitch hicking to dad's.

Often these kids just want to get to know their other parent better... not a bad thing. Othes have told you correctly that you cannot keep him there without some significant trouble, trouble that will most likely cause you problem with your new path in life. Maybe its just time, while you are getting your life together to get your relationship with your son more into focus. Even from a long distance you can be very much more invovled. If he wants to go to college, can he go to one in your area? Can y ou take vacations to where he lives and spend some extra time there with him? There are ways to do this without ending up in court and thus giving him what he wants.... to get to know dad better.

While I am sure that some of them want to get to know their other parent better, its far more likely that its more of a "grass is greener" mentality with a lot of teens. Many of them spend mostly quality time with that parent, so then assume that living with them will be like that all the time...particularly if they are rebelling against the rules and discipline being maintained at the custodial parent's home.

Its also not uncommon for some teens to gravitate towards the same sex parent.

However, unless the custodial parent agrees, its not going to happen without a trip to court, and judges react very badly to parents who try to keep the kids after summer visitation. Several members here can attest to that, first hand.

 

[oreowing1]

thanks again to everyone who shared there experiances and good advice. as i said before, there is no custody established and i have already talked to the assistant D.A. in my town. according to him, with two parties married, and with no custody established, either parent could take the child and lawfully, there is nothing that can be done, except, as you have mentioned, the other spouse can go to court, and be granted temporary custody until it is resolved in the actual custody case. as i said, this was just a thought, and not something that i would act on. something i need to clear up. i think from what ive read so far, everyone thinks that i just vanished and left my family. not the case. we were married in 1984, had our son in 1993, and seperated in 1996. i lived in las vegas for 23 years. my whole time out there and since my son was born, ive been a part of his life. when i lived there, i was able to take my son whereever, whenever, at a moments notice. i moved back to lake placid four years ago, due to my dad having quad bypass surgery and my parents being in there 70's, i have no intention of going back to vegas anytime soon. also, i was the person growing up, that was deathly afraid of doing drugs. my drug addiction occured after sustaining a serious back injury. L-4, L5, S1 disc herniation, with nerve damage to my left side. my doctor continued to pump me full of pain meds until i had a 20 pill a day habit. all this happened within three years. i went to detox and rehab on my own, because i was afraid i was going to die. This is all besides the point, and wanted to clarify my relationship with my son. not exactly the advice i wanted to hear. i was praying that at 14 or 15, a minor could choose to live where they wanted. keep the advice coming and thanks again.

 

[Isis1]

i honestly don't think anyone assumed you just vanished. obviously mom seemed okay with son being out there. but she had status quo on her side.

however, i have to say congrats on getting better. that's alway a wonderful step forward when kicking an addiction. lots of luck. and be supportive of your son. you can hold yourself as an example to him.

 

[stealth2]

My son visits me and my family every year for about 2 weeks during the summer. This year, he arrived on tuesday, august 5th, and will be here until aug 20th. He has informed me that he is not happy with his school, and dosent get the help that he needs. he has ADHD, ADD, and Torrettes syndrom. He has also been caught with pot, but swears to me he has stoped smoking pot, but does smoke cigarettes. He is a very smart and knowledgable young man.

Honestly? The pot and cigs are likely to turn a judge towards thinking that your son is not mature enough to make this decision. His SNs aren't going to help, either.