Dad prepping for divorce and custody after impulsive wife left town with son. Help!

[gratefulcrimson]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Arkansas

My wife and I got married in May of 2014, we have a son that is 22 months old. Following a handful of verbal arguments and "distant" feelings, she left about 5 months ago with our son and moved three hours away to her mother's. She began dating another man, has only allowed me every other weekend "visitation"(when I have his two sisters from previous marriage) though I have asked for at least joint physical and received money from me as "support." Our arrangement has been unsavory and unfair, but I've held out to reconcile as opposed to immediately seeking counsel. Two months after leaving, she agreed to end her new relationship and resume married life with me. I went to visit them for Halloween weekend, only to have her tell me on Sunday that she changed her mind and didn't want to get back together. She resumed her relationship immediately after. This happened again two more months later. Driving down to my town with our son, she pleaded and insisted we save our family. I agreed and began making plans with my job to leave and move to where she is living. A week after this instance(Christmas), I went back up to spend the weekend, only to have her tell me on Sunday once again that she changed her mind and had been fueled by PMS. I've tried to fix it twice. She is impulsive and unpredictable. Now I want to file for divorce and am seriously wanting sole custody due to her rollercoaster behavior. She doesn't want to even give joint physical custody. What do I need to do/gather/prep for before my attorney meeting next week? She called me yesterday, stating her mother is going to kick her out and she has now decided we should get back together...irony? I wanted it to work and tried earnestly, only to be denied. Now I just want my son.
Thanks!

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Arkansas

My wife and I got married in May of 2014, we have a son that is 22 months old. Following a handful of verbal arguments and "distant" feelings, she left about 5 months ago with our son and moved three hours away to her mother's. She began dating another man, has only allowed me every other weekend "visitation"(when I have his two sisters from previous marriage) though I have asked for at least joint physical and received money from me as "support." Our arrangement has been unsavory and unfair, but I've held out to reconcile as opposed to immediately seeking counsel. Two months after leaving, she agreed to end her new relationship and resume married life with me. I went to visit them for Halloween weekend, only to have her tell me on Sunday that she changed her mind and didn't want to get back together. She resumed her relationship immediately after. This happened again two more months later. Driving down to my town with our son, she pleaded and insisted we save our family. I agreed and began making plans with my job to leave and move to where she is living. A week after this instance(Christmas), I went back up to spend the weekend, only to have her tell me on Sunday once again that she changed her mind and had been fueled by PMS. I've tried to fix it twice. She is impulsive and unpredictable. Now I want to file for divorce and am seriously wanting sole custody due to her rollercoaster behavior. She doesn't want to even give joint physical custody. What do I need to do/gather/prep for before my attorney meeting next week? She called me yesterday, stating her mother is going to kick her out and she has now decided we should get back together...irony? I wanted it to work and tried earnestly, only to be denied. Now I just want my son.
Thanks!

Oh Dad. I wish you would have come here 6 months ago. You've given Mom a huge gift here - she's got status quo on her side (even though there's no current order) and while it's not the only factor, it's a very important factor. So far nothing you have said would indicate she's unfit even if she's flighty.

So let's be realistic. What exactly are your goals? Does Mom work? Where exactly is she living right now? How far away?

 

[gratefulcrimson]

I know...

Oh Dad. I wish you would have come here 6 months ago. You've given Mom a huge gift here - she's got status quo on her side (even though there's no current order) and while it's not the only factor, it's a very important factor. So far nothing you have said would indicate she's unfit even if she's flighty.

So let's be realistic. What exactly are your goals? Does Mom work? Where exactly is she living right now? How far away?

I speculated that sole custody at this point might be a moot point, but didn't know for sure. I'd love to raise my son in the town where his sisters, myself and our extended family live. She is living in Mountain Home, three hours away from me in Conway. I gave her $1000 to buy a safe vehicle after she moved, but it doesn't run so she uses her mother's car for sole transportation when available. She has been living with her mother since leaving, however, they have gotten into frequent verbal arguments. Two days ago she calls crying to say her mom is kicking her out and does not want her living there anymore. She now feels panicked and begins saying we should work things out now. After months of rejection and disrespect.
Mom does now work part time as a waitress at Chili's, going on about 2 months. Her mom or sister may watch him during this time. She has also been pulling $400 a month from my checking account she's linked to as "support".
I've asked her for joint physical custody as part of the proposed divorce, but she vehemently rejects this as it would be "too damaging and not in the best interest" of our son. I have his two other sisters every other weekend and after this is settled, will be attempting joint custody with them as well. All the kids together, a week at a time. Our son would have a wealth of family near which has not been able to see him much due to this. Mom is flighty and unsure of what she wants and willing to bounce from marriage to affair and back again with son in tow. I don't want him to be drug through a myriad of mom's new flames and possibly uprooted to move out of state in mom's search for what mom needs. I was naive in my first custody case and got screwed terribly. Don't want to make the same mistake again.

 

[LdiJ]

I speculated that sole custody at this point might be a moot point, but didn't know for sure. I'd love to raise my son in the town where his sisters, myself and our extended family live. She is living in Mountain Home, three hours away from me in Conway. I gave her $1000 to buy a safe vehicle after she moved, but it doesn't run so she uses her mother's car for sole transportation when available. She has been living with her mother since leaving, however, they have gotten into frequent verbal arguments. Two days ago she calls crying to say her mom is kicking her out and does not want her living there anymore. She now feels panicked and begins saying we should work things out now. After months of rejection and disrespect.
Mom does now work part time as a waitress at Chili's, going on about 2 months. Her mom or sister may watch him during this time. She has also been pulling $400 a month from my checking account she's linked to as "support".
I've asked her for joint physical custody as part of the proposed divorce, but she vehemently rejects this as it would be "too damaging and not in the best interest" of our son. I have his two other sisters every other weekend and after this is settled, will be attempting joint custody with them as well. All the kids together, a week at a time. Our son would have a wealth of family near which has not been able to see him much due to this. Mom is flighty and unsure of what she wants and willing to bounce from marriage to affair and back again with son in tow. I don't want him to be drug through a myriad of mom's new flames and possibly uprooted to move out of state in mom's search for what mom needs. I was naive in my first custody case and got screwed terribly. Don't want to make the same mistake again.

If you and mom get back together and stay back together for six months or so, you will change the status quo. Mom will lose the edge that you inadvertently gave her.

 

[gratefulcrimson]

hmm

If you and mom get back together and stay back together for six months or so, you will change the status quo. Mom will lose the edge that you inadvertently gave her.

I talked to someone earlier tonight about that type scenario. Get back together for 6mo and then divorce and try for sole? I just figured if we do that, the affair and leaving me would be void as reasons for divorce now. Should I bide my time and get back with her to build the quo? Perhaps things end up actually working out? Interestingly enough, she has been desperately trying the last two days to get me to take her back. Feels more like being coerced because she's in a rough spot. I don't know if it is truly sincere or with ulterior motive...hard to tell anymore. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 4 different times, shame on me.
Thanks by the way!

 

[Proserpina]

I talked to someone earlier tonight about that type scenario. Get back together for 6mo and then divorce and try for sole? I just figured if we do that, the affair and leaving me would be void as reasons for divorce now. Should I bide my time and get back with her to build the quo? Perhaps things end up actually working out? Interestingly enough, she has been desperately trying the last two days to get me to take her back. Feels more like being coerced because she's in a rough spot. I don't know if it is truly sincere or with ulterior motive...hard to tell anymore. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 4 different times, shame on me.
Thanks by the way!

I obviously don't know your wife, but from what you've said here I'd be putting my money on "she sure as hell isn't doing this for you or the kids ... she's up to something". If you get my meaning.

 

[I'mTheFather]

That's true, but if she moves back and he files for divorce and temporary custody of the son, things would be better than having her not move back at all. If he's, even a little, considering making a go of it, it's not disingenuous. I would, however, file for a legal separation with a proposed parenting plan and relocation restrictions to prevent her from running with the son again as soon as she does move back.

 

[gratefulcrimson]

New view

I obviously don't know your wife, but from what you've said here I'd be putting my money on "she sure as hell isn't doing this for you or the kids ... she's up to something". If you get my meaning.

So lets say, given everything I've previously stated, I simply want to have joint physical custody. She isn't willing to budge because some "research" she found online claims detriment to children being away from their mothers for more than 3 days. She claims no judge will allow me to have joint custody of a child under two(he's 3mo shy of 2yr).
I've arranged work to have every other week off. I have a place for him to sleep and a good job. Will pass drug test if needed. Have I put myself in the red too much by not having filed something from the time she left? Does it seem like I just let her leave without trying to get my son back if I've complied with the only-every-other-weekend visitation she will allow me?
A lawyer told me she is wrong. If a dad wants that time with the child and can provide the necessary provisions required, the judge would have to be hard pressed not to grant it.
I could use some reassurance that her claims are bogus or rooted in misguided information.
Thank you!

 

[gratefulcrimson]

That's true, but if she moves back and he files for divorce and temporary custody of the son, things would be better than having her not move back at all. If he's, even a little, considering making a go of it, it's not disingenuous. I would, however, file for a legal separation with a proposed parenting plan and relocation restrictions to prevent her from running with the son again as soon as she does move back.

So if I were able to get her moved back to my town, that would be the time to file? I don't necessarily have tangible proof that she is unfit in the way of drug use, criminal activity, involvement with sex offenders/violent men. As far as I've seen, adultery/dating while separated or even an affair is nowadays not a meaty enough reason to sway custody. I am willing to just have joint physical custody to end things on an easy out of court note. She's not budging and is adamant that it will never happen. I'm seriously considering moving her in somewhere with me and waiting what, 6mo(?), then pull the rug out. It's dirty, but I'm beginning to see its that and a long, hard fight in and out of court or her finally agree to split visitation. What do you think?

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

You need to get her back in town and re-establish status quo of her living there for about 6 months. Create a separate bank account so she cannot take your money or use your credit cards.

 

[Proserpina]

So lets say, given everything I've previously stated, I simply want to have joint physical custody. She isn't willing to budge because some "research" she found online claims detriment to children being away from their mothers for more than 3 days. She claims no judge will allow me to have joint custody of a child under two(he's 3mo shy of 2yr).
I've arranged work to have every other week off. I have a place for him to sleep and a good job. Will pass drug test if needed. Have I put myself in the red too much by not having filed something from the time she left? Does it seem like I just let her leave without trying to get my son back if I've complied with the only-every-other-weekend visitation she will allow me?
A lawyer told me she is wrong. If a dad wants that time with the child and can provide the necessary provisions required, the judge would have to be hard pressed not to grant it.
I could use some reassurance that her claims are bogus or rooted in misguided information.
Thank you!

The court is going to look at best interest. Typically, with a child so young, the courts are reluctant to uproot the child every 3 days. Unfortunately, while it's not written into any law, your wife is more or less right.

The lawyer is likely talking about visitation - a judge will not deny either parent the chance to be a fully present part of the child's life, that's very true, but the truth is that when deciding custody and visitation many judges will simply not order a 50/50 timeshare unless the parents agree. It takes cooperative parents to be successful in a 50/50 split.

This might sound like a weird idea, but have you explored "bird's nest custody situations? Basically the child lives in only one home, and each parent keeps a residence of their own. Have a look here: http://www.custodyzen.com/divorce-terms/birds-nest-custody.html

 

[TigerD]

Get the biggest meanest junkyard dog of a family lawyer that you can afford.

TD