Dad wants visitation with Daughter after 10 yrs

[momupset]

What is the name of your state?PA My Daughter (10) is extremly upset because her father took me to court (confrence) and it is in the court order for my daughter to spend every other weekend with him and one night a week. He has been one of those "when its convienent for me" Dads. I had my Daughter at 16 (Dad ran off and joined the military). He was discharged for drug abuse in 96. We married in 95 and divorced in 2000 (final) no custody arrangement with divirce. We were seperated more than together all through out the marraige. My daughter has always been with me and he would call up if it was good for him and pick up my daughter "to hang out" every once in awhile. I re-married in 2004, my daughter loves her step Dad (and vice versa). Things were great between Daughters father and my husband (we could sit at soccer games all together). In July my daughters father met his current girlfriend (23 yrs old). Since then its been a complete headache. She has provoked problems between me and my ex, and my daughter & her father. He got a lawyer (after she told me things are going to change). Now they are in a 1 bdrm apart. & want my daughter to take there bed or the couch??!! I provide a big 3 bdrm home for my daughter...and she has never been away from me for more then two nights in her life. I am contemplating on fighting the order to have overnights (at least need to gradually work them in). Is it wrong for me to feel like he should not have her over nights if he is not providing a room for her? How do courts usually deal with that? My daughter is strongly against this - she loves her dad but also has a life that she is custom to and I feel he is being so selfish to force her to sleep there. I have always let my daughter see her father (when he wanted). She was used to him not showing alot and we went through many days crying at the window, waiting for Daddy, she is past this now & knows his games (as well as me)....please help...need advice!!??

 

[stealth2]

It's unlikely that being in a 1 BR apartment is going to cause a judge to refuse him overnights. If they are providing her a reasonable place to sleep (my kids sometimes sleep on the sofa on weekends here in their own home, even though they each have their own bedrooms), he's likely going to get overnights. A breaking-in period? You could ask for it, but it's not as though she doesn't know him. You - and she - need to start getting used to the idea. Sorry.

 

[djohnson]

It's not uncommon now and days though to have put in the order that no one unmarried may spend the night when daughter is there. That way the girlfriend would have to go somewhere else and it would be father daughter time. This is more and more common. You may ask for it.

 

[VeronicaGia]

He's the father and has rights. If he choses to exercise those rights, and a judge agrees, you have to follow the court order.

It no longer has anything to do with what you want. Once a judge was brought into the situation, the judge rules. You have given up your right to make these decisions and put them in the hands of the court.

 

[momupset]

This is still in my hands!

He's the father and has rights. If he choses to exercise those rights, and a judge agrees, you have to follow the court order.

It no longer has anything to do with what you want. Once a judge was brought into the situation, the judge rules. You have given up your right to make these decisions and put them in the hands of the court.

Thank you for that uplifting bit of information. I don't think you quite understood what I was saying. We did not go in front of a judge we (father & I) met at the courthouse with our attorneys in front of a mediator..to put an order in place. I am now faced with my daughter not wanting to go and sleep at his 1 bdrm apart. with him and his girlfriend. I have discussed with my daughter her concerns ...which are completley understandable. She has wanted a relationship w/ her Dad since she was born he was the one who stood her up on several occasions. His most recent stunt moving in with his girlfriends parents (we didn't even know where he was) for 3 months - in which he stopped paying support until he got a warrant. I have provided a home with her own bed room, since I was 16 I have worked very hard to make sure my daughter was a well adjusted person. I think the best thing for me at this point is to go to court and have a judge review it. My daughter expressed her feeling with her Dad. She was understanding (and tolerates alot from him...including him stealing $$ from her) she explained she did not feel comfortable sleeping over but would love to spend days with him. Well that wasn't good enough for him so he yelled at her and she said she has never been away from her Mother that long before....his reponse was I think you can live with out seeing your Mommy for a few days. Cracks me up that he can act like such a caring Dad and not give a hoot for his daughters feelings. Don't you think? Where would you draw the line? It is asked that I enforce this (visitation) how can I sit back as a Mother and watch my straight A child cry and say he will have to drag me out of here. Am I suppossed to phisically push her out of her home?? She as is big as me for one thing.......and that I feel is emotional abuse. No child should be forced to feel uncomfortable because her parent who was a casual parent has decided now he wants to change her life. At 10 she should have a say in where she sleeps. I would be behind this 100% if my daughter did not have these valid concerns. As you stated this is not what I want ....it has never been what I wanted ......I have always allowed (and promoted) a relationship between her father and her....this is because he has a girlfriend who is young and jealous of me (who says negative comments about me to my daughter) who knows how much this breaks my heart. My daughter is my life...since I was 16 I have done everything for her. Its sick that he can walk in after 10 yrs and think he should have every right!!

 

[stealth2]

Here is the problem that you don't seem to understand. Once there is a court order for visitation, YOU are OBLIGATED to follow it. If you do not, YOU will be paying the consequences. Starting with, likely, a slap on the wrist from the judge, but escalating from there to fines, jail time, and ultimately a change in custody. Is that really what you want?

Perhaps a smarter course of action would be for your to speak with Dad and see if you can convince him to do some joint counseling with your daughter so that they can work out their issues together.

And, I'm sorry, but it IS a little off for a 10yo to have never been away from Mommy for an overnight - even a weekend.

 

[momupset]

Here is the problem that you don't seem to understand. Once there is a court order for visitation, YOU are OBLIGATED to follow it. If you do not, YOU will be paying the consequences. Starting with, likely, a slap on the wrist from the judge, but escalating from there to fines, jail time, and ultimately a change in custody. Is that really what you want?

Perhaps a smarter course of action would be for your to speak with Dad and see if you can convince him to do some joint counseling with your daughter so that they can work out their issues together.

And, I'm sorry, but it IS a little off for a 10yo to have never been away from Mommy for an overnight - even a weekend.

Once again this was not an order from a court ....and i do understand that I need to follow it. I think what you are not hearing is that my Daughter is the one that doesn't want to go. If you read my posts ..I have always let my daughter see her father when he wanted!! This is not about me trying not to follow an order. I have been trying to speak with her father he will not talk to me he curses and continues to say he is the father. No one is fighting that fact, what I would like him to understand is that this is not comfortable for her. You think it is off for my 10 yr old to never sleep at anyones home...the only places she has spent a night was at my Moms and grandmothers ..why is that so hard to grasp? My duaghter doesn't sleep at friends...she is not comfortable...her response is I will go to partys but when it comes to sleeping I have my own bed! I have only had help from my family...my daughters father was in the military(which he was kicked out for drug use) the first year he joined he was away all the time, there after I was with my daughter EVERY WAKING MOMENT....why is it so hard this day and age for people to believe that a mother is just looking out for her child..instead they are all so quick to think the Mother is just trying to be difficult...I think its safe to say you most likely have never been in my shoes!!

 

[Ambr]

We did not go in front of a judge we (father & I) met at the courthouse with our attorneys in front of a mediator..to put an order in place.

It might not have been created by a Judge, but you both agreed on it and signed off on it. It was then entered as your order. That makes it legal and binding, just like if a judge says this is the way it is going to be.

Since it is in place, you are responsible to abide by it. You can't just decide not to follow it because the situation has changed. You will still have to have it modified to your new situation. Otherwise, you are violating the agreement and can be found in contempt.

We understand that it is your daughters decision NOT to go. But your daughter is not able to make those decisions. You are required, to encourage her to go, to get her ready and have her waiting on dad for the visit.

 

[stealth2]

Once again this was not an order from a court ....and i do understand that I need to follow it. I think what you are not hearing is that my Daughter is the one that doesn't want to go.

Reality check - children do not make those decisions. Period. If your 10yo decided one day that she doesn't like her teacher so she doesn't want to go to school - what would you do? Exactly - that's not optional. Neither is court-ordered visitation. And if it was entered as an order as you've indicated - it IS court ordered.

You think it is off for my 10 yr old to never sleep at anyones home...the only places she has spent a night was at my Moms and grandmothers ..why is that so hard to grasp? My duaghter doesn't sleep at friends...she is not comfortable...her response is I will go to partys but when it comes to sleeping I have my own bed!

Yes, I do find it odd. I have two kids - 10 G and 13 B. Both have stayed with grandparents, friends, sleepaway camp, etc. Both are confident and independent young people who are comfortable is a myriad of situations. Is it always an easy thing to do? Nope. But I want them to be capable of standing on their own when necessary.

I think its safe to say you most likely have never been in my shoes!!

I think it's safe to say you have no idea what you're talking about whatsoever. But go ahead - allow your daughter to make the choice not to go. Maybe you can post about the consequences for the edification of others.

 

[momupset]

It might not have been created by a Judge, but you both agreed on it and signed off on it. It was then entered as your order. That makes it legal and binding, just like if a judge says this is the way it is going to be.

Since it is in place, you are responsible to abide by it. You can't just decide not to follow it because the situation has changed. You will still have to have it modified to your new situation. Otherwise, you are violating the agreement and can be found in contempt.

We understand that it is your daughters decision NOT to go. But your daughter is not able to make those decisions. You are required, to encourage her to go, to get her ready and have her waiting on dad for the visit.

I am not fighting that this is not legal and binding..not arguing that. The advise you give me I get from my attorney as well enforce the order have her waiting and ready for him. Can anyone suggest how to get a 101/2 yr old phisically out of her room as she resists? She is refusing ....my attorney thought it would be a good idea for counsling which I discussed with her. She is mad right now (her Dad has stolen from her, stood her up...she has seen her Dad hit me). I do tell her she must go (she wants to talk to a judge - her exact words). She knows her Dad well, she has spent days with him...her whole fight is that she does not want to sleep over his girlfriends apart. where he resides now. They have 1 bed, my daughter questioned privacy issues. I am more concerned that he is pushing her so far away from him right now...she is resenting for this and its sad. Maybe a couple of years ago she would have gone for this but considering he moved in w/ his girlfriends parents for 3 months this past summer and didn't call her or see her (and stopped paying support)- and now that his girlfriend got this tiny apart. & he thinks its great and wants to change her whole life. I know we have a order through the court...but if my daughter is phisically resisting to go with him...i will not push her out of her own house.....I just can't do it!

 

[momupset]

It's not uncommon now and days though to have put in the order that no one unmarried may spend the night when daughter is there. That way the girlfriend would have to go somewhere else and it would be father daughter time. This is more and more common. You may ask for it.

unfortunatly I was advised that will have no bearing at all. My daughter brought it up..."Dads not even married and sleeping in the same bed with his girlfriend..it makes me sick" - this from a 10 yr old who is being ordered to sleep in that bed when he has her. He is making worse on himself I just wish he would spare my daughters feelings. As a mother you try to protect your children from expieriencing pain and saddness & I feel like my hands are tied. It makes me so angry that he would hurt is own daughter like this.

 

[stealth2]

What you do is sit her down and explain that this is (a) not her decision to make and (b) is not optional. If she refuses to go willingly - she's grounded. No computer, no tv, no phone, no friends, no afterschool activities. Nothing. Frankly, you are letting your child control the situation. Stop it.

My daughter used to sob the night before going to her Dad's. Never got her out of going. I finally sat her down and told her that the drama queen act had to stop. While I understood that she'd miss being home, her friends, the pets, etc., she'd go to her Dad's, she knew she'd enjoy the time with him, and then she'd come home - and all that she missed would still be here. But the dramatics every time were completely over the top and had to end. If she wanted to carry on about it, she could do it on her own in her room. And ya know - that ended that. She now goes off happily and comes home happily. She needed someone to draw the line for her. And that's MY job - to be the parent.

 

[Ambr]

I am not fighting that this is not legal and binding..not arguing that. The advise you give me I get from my attorney as well enforce the order have her waiting and ready for him. Can anyone suggest how to get a 101/2 yr old phisically out of her room as she resists? She is refusing ....my attorney thought it would be a good idea for counsling which I discussed with her. She is mad right now (her Dad has stolen from her, stood her up...she has seen her Dad hit me). I do tell her she must go (she wants to talk to a judge - her exact words). She knows her Dad well, she has spent days with him...her whole fight is that she does not want to sleep over his girlfriends apart. where he resides now. They have 1 bed, my daughter questioned privacy issues. I am more concerned that he is pushing her so far away from him right now...she is resenting for this and its sad. Maybe a couple of years ago she would have gone for this but considering he moved in w/ his girlfriends parents for 3 months this past summer and didn't call her or see her (and stopped paying support)- and now that his girlfriend got this tiny apart. & he thinks its great and wants to change her whole life. I know we have a order through the court...but if my daughter is phisically resisting to go with him...i will not push her out of her own house.....I just can't do it!

Been here, done that.

Personal experience. My ex had basically a one room flat. Open floor plan. He actually had separated the "Bedroom" with a dark ceiling to floor sheet as a privacy curtain. Had bunk beds set up in the "living area" for the kids and a fold out sofa. He and his g/f slept in "bedroom area". There were 3 kids in the living room area. During the hearing, a custody evaluator was appointed. Interviewed both parents, checked out both houses. The result - each child had a place to sleep, even if it was a fold out couch or a mat in the floor. They had heat, food and shelter. They were fine. The only suggestion that was made, was that he should look into creating a "permanent" door on the bedroom instead of the sheet.

But you can and probably will end up in trouble for not pushing the visitation. It won't be fun because you will become the mean parent. Making her do something that she doesn't want. But she wants to play grown up - let her. She can face the responsibility of being mature enough to go on her visitations with her dad. If she can't do that, she doesn't do anything else. Plan and simple. Yes it doesn't sound fair. BUT....she goes for a couple of days or she can go permanent (if dad pushed modification and gets custody because of denied visits).

 

[momupset]

Reality check - children do not make those decisions. Period. If your 10yo decided one day that she doesn't like her teacher so she doesn't want to go to school - what would you do? Exactly - that's not optional. Neither is court-ordered visitation. And if it was entered as an order as you've indicated - it IS court ordered.



Yes, I do find it odd. I have two kids - 10 G and 13 B. Both have stayed with grandparents, friends, sleepaway camp, etc. Both are confident and independent young people who are comfortable is a myriad of situations. Is it always an easy thing to do? Nope. But I want them to be capable of standing on their own when necessary.



I think it's safe to say you have no idea what you're talking about whatsoever. But go ahead - allow your daughter to make the choice not to go. Maybe you can post about the consequences for the edification of others.

First off - you sound like a very angry person. I have never asked my daughter not to sleep places. Hello...I am still a newleywed...it would be nice to have some alone time. But in the same sense would you force your children to go to friends to sleep over? With all the news you hear today of molstation I am glad there are only select places my daughter is comfortable sleeping. My daughter has the luxury of a big home, we host most of the sleep overs here. Maybe your children don't have the luxuries that my daughter has in her home. You think I am letting my daughter make choices -unfortunalty the way she feels does not matter (right?)...she has to be forced to sleep over her dads...can I ask you a question - If your father was only around when he choose to be, missed important events in your life...but was there to steal money from your bank account, get kicked out of the military for drug use, fired from jobs because he stole money, drank alot - if you have seen him throw your Mom down steps. Then years pass and he doesn't come around then all of a sudden....you are told you must go sleep at his apartment....in his bed he shares with his girlfriend you don'y know....how would that make you feel?? Just wondering?

As for the slandering remarks you made about me not knowing what I am speaking about....when I go to my daughters school and speak with the her teachers/counslers/principle (every yr since Kg) and hear how she is the most mature well adjusted child and to keep doing what ever it is that I do...I think I would have to argue that I DO know what I am doing. My daughter is a straight A (in all advanced courses), involved in Basketball, church chorus, alter server, speaks Italian. My concern is not to with hold my daughter from her Father .... which I would have done a long time ago...it is to make sure she is comfortable with how it is handled. Children (especially thru the pre teen yrs) are very sensitive - I would hate for everything my daughter has accomplished so far in her short life and every goal she is striving for to be ruined because she is spending her time crying about her dad forcing her to sleep over his girlfriends apartment. By the way .... you never answered my question so I take it you were NEVER in my shoes?

 

[stealth2]

By the way .... you never answered my question so I take it you were NEVER in my shoes?

Depends what shoes you mean. Care to clarify?