Damaged

[ClaraD]

Most of us here are parents, and I think are pretty well in agreement that you are doing your child a grave disservice (and have done from the start) by allowing her to believe he is her father. The wow should be directed at yourself, to be honest.



Sadly, you have set her up for this emotional trauma by not being honest with her from the get-go. It did not have to be this way, had you been honest from the start. My neighbors have three children, of which the youngest two are adopted. The middle one at ~a year, the younger at 9mos. They are now 3 and 4, and the oldest is 5 1/2 (S/N). All three know the truth of their parentage - and have from the beginning. But none of them feel "less than". There is no shame in them for how they became a family.

At this point, you really need to give serious thought to finding professional help for your child. She needs to know the truth, and you are not equipped to help her at this point. But, a professional can get you both there. Please - for her sake - seek that help. The rest of your issues? Are frankly minor to this one.

That is YOUR opinion and I respect it. I don't agree with it but I respect it. I chose to do what I did for a VERY good reason that you don't know anything about. Im glad it worked out for your neighbor, but as you well know when it comes to parenting that every situation is different and what works for one parent may not work for another.

This situation is exactly what I tried to avoid. I even discussed it with my husband before getting involved with him and he assured me he understood my position with my daughter. I did not know he had a hidden agenda. She is getting counseling and my children are never a minor issue to me. It disturbs me how everyone is quick to let him off but jump on me. I may have been wrong for letting this guy into my life but that happened based on deceit and everything there after was a result from his behavior that no one in this forum seems to want to address but again thanks for your response.

 

[Ohiogal]

thank you captain obvious

Apparently not that obvious since you have lied to the child about a very elemental fundamental fact. You apparently need to grow up and realize that ONE of the issues your child needs to address in counseling is the one YOU caused.

Continue with your determination in denying that you are to blame. Continue with your lies. Continue on with your ignorance.

 

[Ohiogal]

That is YOUR opinion and I respect it. I don't agree with it but I respect it. I chose to do what I did for a VERY good reason that you don't know anything about. Im glad it worked out for your neighbor, but as you well know when it comes to parenting that every situation is different and what works for one parent may not work for another.

This situation is exactly what I tried to avoid. I even discussed it with my husband before getting involved with him and he assured me he understood my position with my daughter. I did not know he had a hidden agenda. She is getting counseling and my children are never a minor issue to me. It disturbs me how everyone is quick to let him off but jump on me. I may have been wrong for letting this guy into my life but that happened based on deceit and everything there after was a result from his behavior that no one in this forum seems to want to address but again thanks for your response.

The truth however appears to be a foreign concept to you. NO one is letting him off by the way. However, you accuse him of deception and yet YOU have engaged in from day one with your daughter. You and your husband -- two peas in a pod. Both of you have an agenda and used lies and deception to further it. Congrats.

 

[stealth2]

That is YOUR opinion and I respect it. I don't agree with it but I respect it. I chose to do what I did for a VERY good reason that you don't know anything about. Im glad it worked out for your neighbor, but as you well know when it comes to parenting that every situation is different and what works for one parent may not work for another.

EVERY parent I know personally in your situation (and I know quite a few) have made it plain to their child(ren) what their parentage is from early on. Not a one has left it as you have. Because it DOES traumatize the child.

This situation is exactly what I tried to avoid.

Bull puckies. If you were trying to avoid it, you would have NEVER allowed her to think he was her Dad. Never.

And ya know - you need therapy as much as she does. You have a lousy picker. On top of overall poor judgment.

stealth out - go pay a lawyer.

 

[ClaraD]

Apparently not that obvious since you have lied to the child about a very elemental fundamental fact. You apparently need to grow up and realize that ONE of the issues your child needs to address in counseling is the one YOU caused.

Continue with your determination in denying that you are to blame. Continue with your lies. Continue on with your ignorance.

I need to grow up? Why? Because I don't agree with you? This is a free country right? I am entitled to my own opinion just like you are and I do not have to agree with what you are saying. You need to grow up and learn not be so defensive. Counseling might be a wonderful place for you to address that issue.

As for the rest of your comment**************

 

[ClaraD]

EVERY parent I know personally in your situation (and I know quite a few) have made it plain to their child(ren) what their parentage is from early on. Not a one has left it as you have. Because it DOES traumatize the child.

Why is that all ways the case. Someone always wants to justify something by saying, "I know a lot of people in the same situation" Well kudos to you. Still doesn't make it any more true or right than anything I've said.

Bull puckies. If you were trying to avoid it, you would have NEVER allowed her to think he was her Dad. Never.

And ya know - you need therapy as much as she does. You have a lousy picker. On top of overall poor judgment.

stealth out - go pay a lawyer.

Low blow. Try and keep the gloves up! Thanks and I will.

 

[ClaraD]

The truth however appears to be a foreign concept to you. NO one is letting him off by the way. However, you accuse him of deception and yet YOU have engaged in from day one with your daughter. You and your husband -- two peas in a pod. Both of you have an agenda and used lies and deception to further it. Congrats.

So judgemental, but thanks for your response.

 

[mistoffolees]

Why is that all ways the case. Someone always wants to justify something by saying, "I know a lot of people in the same situation" Well kudos to you. Still doesn't make it any more true or right than anything I've said.

First, Stealth didn't only say "I know a lot of people in the same situation".

She said that she knows a lot of parents in your situation and EVERY ONE has told the children the truth.

More importantly, there are objective values here. Lying to children is not a good idea.

 

[ClaraD]

First, Stealth didn't only say "I know a lot of people in the same situation".

She said that she knows a lot of parents in your situation and EVERY ONE has told the children the truth.

More importantly, there are objective values here. Lying to children is not a good idea.

I understand and I have stated that I want to discuss this issue with my child. I guess that was overlooked while some where busy passing judgement on me. It is a difficult task and I feel it should be done when she is old enough to understand. I guess thats where we all differ. Lying period is never a good idea.

Im going to ask that this thread be closed because it has gotten somewhat off track. I came here in regards to my divorce not for parenting advice. However, I do appreciate everyone's responses. Thanks again

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

She said that she knows a lot of parents in your situation and EVERY ONE has told the children the truth.
More importantly, there are objective values here. Lying to children is not a good idea.

OP it has been said more than once and honestly that is the best advice. Your daughter has no reason to be ashamed about her real father, neither do you. Consider, the trauma she is suffering now, is actually misplaced. IMO, there is no better time to correct the error. She will be able to heal just as easily, with a true understanding of the facts.

I suggest you take a day, reminiscing about her birth and experiences you have shared with her to this point. If you have a parent or sibling, that can be there to reaffirm this is the truth, that will go better toward reinforcing the credibility, when you get to the deception part. When you sit her down for a discussion of her true parentage, I suggest you have a family member from her real fathers side, so she can see she is loved from that side also. I would then finish up with how much she is loved from all sides of the family she is part of. I am sure others, possibly more experienced, might have suggestions as to how explaining can be made easier also.

 

[tuffbrk]

I am going to re-state my advice-given a few posts ago - as I think it was missed amongst everything else. File for pendente lite support. It will speed up his desire to get the divorce done and provide you with financial assistance in the short term.

Good luck.