daughter doesnt want to live with mom

[curtisfamily]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?NY Im divorced with 4 children under 15, my ex and I have joint shared 50/50 custody. The kids have all been through alot with this divorce, it has been 3 years now. Last jan, my teen daughter was and still is very disrespectful to me, telling me her dad says she doesnt have to follow my rules or listen to me etc.. so I told her if she thinks things are so great at dads call him up and go live there, she called him and completely moved out of my house. I thought this would just be a temporary thing until she got her head on straight, its been a year and Im lucky to see her once a week. I want her to come home and live here with me equally but she wont. I have seen her once this whole entire summer. The court order for custody has not been changed or modified by her father or by me. I cant afford to go back to court over this, but I want my child in my life. She will be 16 this month. What can I do, doesnt he have to make her come over on my scheduled time,like her brothers and sister have to do. My ex even keeps her from me on holidays when its my turn. If I were to keep any of the children at my house full time, he would have the police at my door, so why does she get the privilege of staying there all the time? My oldest boy 13 wants to live with me full time( he cant stand his dad) wants to know why his 15 year old sister can stay at dad's full time but he cant stay at my house full time, there is no court orders for any of this. Help what do I do?

 

[stealth2]

If you have an order that specifies when she is to be with you, she refuses and Dad won't make her come - you can document it and file against him for contempt. But..... you're finding what a dangerous game it is to play to tell the kid to go ahead and move. All she did was what you told her to do.

 

[curtisfamily]

So your telling me, any time I or anyone else for that matter tells their teenager "you dont like my rules or discipline,find another place to live" and they go and do that,it is the parents fault? I dont think so, I have friends who are divorced and who arent and if they are having problems with their teens and they get so frustrated that they say to them you dont like my rules go live some place else and then the teen does, we are at fault? Your telling me you or nobody else on this forum has ever said that out of frustration?

 

[MandyD]

The difference between me telling my kids that if they didn't like the rules, they could find another place to live and you doing it, is that your daughter actually had a place she could go to, mine didn't.

I hope you take Stealth's advice. She did give you some in case you missed it.

 

[stealth2]

So your telling me, any time I or anyone else for that matter tells their teenager "you dont like my rules or discipline,find another place to live" and they go and do that,it is the parents fault? I dont think so, I have friends who are divorced and who arent and if they are having problems with their teens and they get so frustrated that they say to them you dont like my rules go live some place else and then the teen does, we are at fault? Your telling me you or nobody else on this forum has ever said that out of frustration?

I can honestly say that I never have. Nor has it ever occured to me. Because I know that, regardless how frustrating they can be at times, the best place for them IS with me. And ya know.... I'm an adult, they're kids. It's their job to be annoying and frustrating and pains in the ass at times.

 

[curtisfamily]

I know kids, teens etc.. can be frustrating and pains in the ass sometimes. Thats not the question, my daughter was acting horribly towards me and even worse to her little brothers and sister, telling them they didnt have to follow my rules, they didnt have to listen to me, calling them awful names(things I dont want to repeat out loud), teasing them horribly etc.. and I was just suppose to just sit by and take it, I tried discipline and taking things away and counseling nothing helped, so out of frustration I told her call her dad see if you like it over there, but I blindly thought I know it is harder over there and she wont have as much freedom at dad's as she does at my house she'll see the light and come home. Well stupid me I was wrong,its been a year now and she still lives with him,if Im lucky I occasionally get to see her,but it's only when she wants money from me. I know she is a teen and they dont want to flip back and forth between houses expecially when the ex wont buy stuff for any of the children whether they live with him or not, so she didnt want to pack her wardrobe every time she came over for 5 days, BUT I would like to see her more than once a month when she fits me in to her schedule, I want 1 day a week and maybe a weekend, I will gladly give up that % of child support, I just want to see my kid. I dont think its fair that he gets to keep her permanently and not enforce the divorce order,but he enforces it for the other children why not her? The other kids come over for thanksgiving and x-mas when its my turn but he wont let her come to my house on those days either. So if I go back to court for contempt or whatever, if she says she wants to live with him, do I have any say at all, like seeing her occasionally on holidays or whatever. What are my options?