deployment

[okiesooner]

What is the name of your state? ok

Well I received the news that it looks as though I am going back to the sandbox...deploying....probably for a year.

The last 2 times I deployed my ex wouldnt allow the kids tohave their normal visitation....and I know she can do that.

Does anyone have any experience or knowledge about how the results have turned out for those who have files a modification to allow some visitation.

Of course not only does my family want to see the kids and the siblings each other, but I truely believe it is harder on the kids to go a whole year with little to no contact with their family hear and then get thrown right back into the visitation schedule after a year. Any thoughts?

 

[okiesooner]

was just trying to bring this to the top

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state? ok

Well I received the news that it looks as though I am going back to the sandbox...deploying....probably for a year.

The last 2 times I deployed my ex wouldnt allow the kids tohave their normal visitation....and I know she can do that.

Does anyone have any experience or knowledge about how the results have turned out for those who have files a modification to allow some visitation.

Of course not only does my family want to see the kids and the siblings each other, but I truely believe it is harder on the kids to go a whole year with little to no contact with their family hear and then get thrown right back into the visitation schedule after a year. Any thoughts?

Why don't you ask your ex to make sure your kids can spend some time while you are gone at least having conversations with your family and spending special occasions -- your birthday, some family dinners at your parents house just to keep a connection. Granted court is not the way to go because it would be a lot of money for a very slim chance but you may try to reason somewhat with your ex.

 

[okiesooner]

Believe me I have tried and she absolutely refuses.

 

[LdiJ]

Believe me I have tried and she absolutely refuses.

Ok...just how do you ask her and on what basis does she refuse?

Are you simply asking her if she would please allow the children to occasionally get together somewhere.....or occassionally allowing the grandparents to visit and bring the children.....or are you asking her to send the kids on regular visitation with your spouse?

 

[okiesooner]

She refuses at all. I dont expect her to have the kids come for my regular visiation and I certainly dont expect for her to give up the holidays, but maybe like 1-2 weeks on the summer and 1 week at Christmas break her choosing and 1 week at spring just so the kids can stay connected here and its not so hard on them when I do come back.

 

[new2this05]

Is it because you are remarried and she doesn't want them to stay with their step-mom? A lot of birth mothers seem to have resentment towards that. Maybe you could offer for them to stay with grandparents or a aunt/uncle if she felt more comfortable with that.

 

[Ohiogal]

She refuses at all. I dont expect her to have the kids come for my regular visiation and I certainly dont expect for her to give up the holidays, but maybe like 1-2 weeks on the summer and 1 week at Christmas break her choosing and 1 week at spring just so the kids can stay connected here and its not so hard on them when I do come back.

That is the problem. They don't need that much time to stay connected. You may like them to have that much time but start with allowing them to RECEIVE weekly phone calls from your family and a family dinner once a month. She is refusing allowing a week at a time and I can understand where she may be uneasy about that. Why wouldn't a family dinner or something be appropriate to suggest once a month or so. Your parents can meet her at a restaurant or something. Weeks are not necessary for contact if that is all you crave.

 

[haiku]

nothing to add legally, I just want to comment on how sad it is that mom can send her kid off for a week to stay with HER parents or siblings, but dads family is out of luck just because he is in Iraq.

Dads family is her childrens family, regardless of the fact mom has the primary custody. I think its sad primary custody is abused in this way, whereby the primary custodian gets to police who the children get to see when dad is not around. they only get to see the grandparents if mom can be there? how lame....

I don't think there is anything wrong with the kids spending weekends and vacation weeks here and there with thier half siblings, and step parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, of thier deployed parent. I would think it would be a HEALTHY way to deal with the deployment.

Anyhow end non-legal rant....I hope the OP can work out an arrangment that is good for his kids.

 

[Ohiogal]

nothing to add legally, I just want to comment on how sad it is that mom can send her kid off for a week to stay with HER parents or siblings, but dads family is out of luck just because he is in Iraq.

Dads family is her childrens family, regardless of the fact mom has the primary custody. I think its sad primary custody is abused in this way, whereby the primary custodian gets to police who the children get to see when dad is not around. they only get to see the grandparents if mom can be there? how lame....

I don't think there is anything wrong with the kids spending weekends and vacation weeks here and there with thier half siblings, and step parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, of thier deployed parent. I would think it would be a HEALTHY way to deal with the deployment.

Anyhow end non-legal rant....I hope the OP can work out an arrangment that is good for his kids.

And I can agree with you to a certain extent but mom has her time and dad has his time. Dad's time is when the kids should see dad's family with dad's permission. It is not legally up to mom to promote a relationship with dad's family when dad has visitation. Trying to dictate that mom needs to give up her time with the kids when dad has his time is not fair. Granted this is a different situation than dad exercising visitation and still saying mom should give up her time. However mom is only legally responsible to make sure the court order is followed which means providing the kids for dad's time. My personal opinion agrees with you. But for him to get the kids to spend any time with his parents while he is away he should start with more reasonable requests such as dinners and what not.

 

[haiku]

And I can agree with you to a certain extent but mom has her time and dad has his time. Dad's time is when the kids should see dad's family with dad's permission. It is not legally up to mom to promote a relationship with dad's family when dad has visitation. Trying to dictate that mom needs to give up her time with the kids when dad has his time is not fair. Granted this is a different situation than dad exercising visitation and still saying mom should give up her time. However mom is only legally responsible to make sure the court order is followed which means providing the kids for dad's time. My personal opinion agrees with you. But for him to get the kids to spend any time with his parents while he is away he should start with more reasonable requests such as dinners and what not.

Thats perfectly fine when dad is home, and I am usually the first one on the bandwagon for getting to do what you want with your kids on yourtime. but now everyone gets to be punished for a year because dad is deployed.

If it was OK for dads mom to have her grandkids for week while dad is home on his time, why is NOT OK, when Mom now has the WHOLE year at her disposal, for dads mom to have them while dad is out of the states?

When I grew up I spent weeks with my grandparents from both sides. So I guess this is something I just. don't. get.

I KNOW the legal answer, but it would be nice if mom searched her soul for the answer that is right for the kids. Which in my mind is making things as normal as possible, which would be spending time with relatives, the kids enjoyed seeing on dads side before dad was deployed.

I should really know better than to start this stuff, but sometimes it just has to come out....

 

[nextwife]

And I can agree with you to a certain extent but mom has her time and dad has his time. Dad's time is when the kids should see dad's family with dad's permission. It is not legally up to mom to promote a relationship with dad's family when dad has visitation. Trying to dictate that mom needs to give up her time with the kids when dad has his time is not fair.

Except, in this case dad CAN'T have his time because he's being sent off to fight a frikin' WAR! You'[d think we could do better for our military than take their kids away from their own extended family and siblings completely during deployment. What hyopocrits we are. We tell people that "judges don't like to seperate siblings" yet, we (meaning the legal system) legally sanction the complete seperation of siblings when the NCP is deployed and some of the siblings live in the household of the NCP.

Dad is removed from the ability to have his time or exercise his visitation. So his children at home are denied BOTH their parent at war and their siblings who live elsewhere! Nice.

 

[stepmomndad]

Okie - May I make a suggestion to you? Please, others, don't bash me for my suggestion. I'm in this situation as a step-mom in which the NCP will be going away for months and will not be able to see my step-daughter (and therefore, her half-siblings will not be able to see her either).

My husband is going to school in the military to become a recruiter. He did not request to be doing this. The military told him he will be going to CA for 2 1/2 months. He has a daughter who is 7 years old. I will be living in PA with our children. His daughter lives in PA. We will be living in the same time (do not want to move the children to CA for 2 1/2 months). My husband requested to the CP that I am able to visit with my step-daughter so my children do not miss the time with their older sister. IF CP allows that, NCP stated that if CP is never able to visit with my step-daughter, she can allow someone to visit in her place (NCP gets primary custody for the whole summer). So far, she said no, because my in laws can see my step-daughter every other weekend for a few hours, so, we have to try to work it out that way. But, maybe offer her a suggestion that you would do something for her.

I know how you feel. It's hard not knowing your siblings the way you know your other ones. Good luck to you and best of wishes! I wish you your safety on your deployment and hope for your safe return!