Did I Set Myself Up for Problems?

[AnswerMeNOW]

What is the name of your state?OH
Pardon the log-in. I will try to condense this.

7 years ago, I met a guy and that night, wound up having sex. Before we even did, he asked me straight out "do I need to use anything". I said "NO because I was told I can't get pregnant." Well, I got prego -- with twins from him. He stated from the get-go when we met that he wasn't looking for a relationship because of time, being busy, looking for a job, just getting out of a long relationship, etc (that's ok with me). During the pregnancy, I only talked to him a few times and when the kids were born, didn't call for awhile (month or so) to tell him. Didn't talk to him much. He didn't believe they were his (after all, we weren't dating and I had just broke up with my bf too).
For a few years, he was paying some support because I kept telling him that if he didn't, I'd call a lawyer, etc. To give him credit -- he didn't have any support from family, didn't know where to turn. I also told him that if he paid me $3,000 I would "go away and you'd never hear from me again" (I was hard up for money). He didn't because he didn't have the money (he was working p/t---trying to find f/t work). Back in Feb. 2002, he sent me a letter stating he can't afford to keep paying this and gave me 3 months notice to respond & that May 02 will be the last payment. I did NOT respond.
So, after 6 years, I finally decided to make it official and establish paternity in Nov 04. They are his. I haven't talked to him in 3 years or so.

I sent him a letter with pictures a couple of weeks ago (before Xmas) asking him to call me with any questions or concerns. He didn't call and I sent him another letter just a few days ago. This time, I asked him to start paying me $350.00 a month (and half of that for December) until this gets settled with CSEA. I also wrote that I want the money by Jan 10 & if he did this, I won't get a lawyer and go after back support (even though he did pay for a few years & it took me 6 years to establish paternity). I was "giving him a chance to make this right."

He called me and told me that I am not getting any money until this goes through. He also grilled me for "not accepting responsibility for 7 years. You obviously didn't have the best interest of the kids in mind by waiting 6 years to do this & now you're expecting ME to make it right. If you didn't lie 7 years ago, you wouldn't have these kids. Accept responsibility and we'll let the CSEA sort this out." He went on to tell me that "my memory obviously isn't that great because you didn't insist I call...you stated to call with any questions or concerns." Plus he reminded me of the support he sent me years ago (in regards to my back support comment in the letter). He also reminded me of my attempt to get that $3,000 years ago. He said that my memory is still in question obviously after 7 years since you said one thing back then and you got pregnant. He then told me 'don't ever send letters in a threatening tone to my address again.' "The slowness of the system is not my problem. You waited 6 years to do this, you can wait another couple of months."

What I am wondering is:

1. Because I wrote a letter stating $350.00 is enough, can he argue on paying that amount because I stated it was ample?

2. Can he argue the fact that I told him "It's OK...I can't get pregnant" by making me prove that statement, even though I did (and had another kid with my current husband). He's told me in the past that, in a way, it's entrapment.

3. The fact that I asked him for that $3,000 to make me go away years ago, plus him paying me support in the past to stop from getting a laywer, can he do something about this (extortion/blackmail)?

I am wondering if I created a bigger situation here because of my actions in the past. Any help is appreciated! Thanks!

 

[BethM]

1. Because I wrote a letter stating $350.00 is enough, can he argue on paying that amount because I stated it was ample?

No, child support will be based on income alone.

2. Can he argue the fact that I told him "It's OK...I can't get pregnant" by making me prove that statement, even though I did (and had another kid with my current husband). He's told me in the past that, in a way, it's entrapment.


No, he is as responsible as you are when it comes to birth control. Asking a woman if it is safe and then choosing to believe her response is not an active participation in birth control. You didn't hold a gun to his head and make him have sex with you. He can't prove that you didn't believe you could not get pregnant and in trying he would only make himself look foolish for taking your word for it.


3. The fact that I asked him for that $3,000 to make me go away years ago, plus him paying me support in the past to stop from getting a laywer, can he do something about this (extortion/blackmail)?

No, even if he had paid you $3000 he wouldn't be able to use it to get out of paying child support. The money he has paid you so far is not recognized as child support because it was not court ordered. The judge will based future support on income and will probably require him to pay arreages for past support regardless of what you had tried to settle with him for.

Don't be communicating with him anymore. Keep your thoughts and ultimatums and letters to yourself and let the agencies that are supposed to deal with it deal with it. You really have no authority over this man and are in no position to threaten him or give him time lines to pay anything. Only the courts can do that.

 

[nextwife]

ONLY a woman who has had a hysterectomy should be telling a guy she "can't" get pregnant. Anyone else, you can't really know. I know adoptive couples over age 40 who have discovered a pregancy while completing their international adoptions, after decades of trying.

 

[AnswerMeNOW]

No, even if he had paid you $3000 he wouldn't be able to use it to get out of paying child support. The money he has paid you so far is not recognized as child support because it was not court ordered. The judge will based future support on income and will probably require him to pay arreages for past support regardless of what you had tried to settle with him for.

He IS cooperating & isn't fighting CS. I don't want to paint a negative picture of this guy. He did question why it took me 6 years to do this & is questioning whether I have truly have the best interest of the kids in mind. He stated in the ONLY call the other day that he is very upset that I waited this long (since I was the one making the allegations all along) to do this and now that they are 6 1/2, it makes it very, very difficult, especially since my current husband is the one they've known as dad. He even said to me that he noted in my letter it was all about money and nothing about seeing them/getting in their lives, etc.

He told me "to knock off the bitter woman act after 7 years that you're STILL portraying and start accepting responsibilities for your actions. If you think you're creating some sort of paper trail against me by writing this and that, you're dead wrong. You don't think you'll have to answer as to why you waited 6 years to do this? Don't write to me. I am not sending you money until this is settled with CSEA. You can make this difficult, like you've been over the years, or you can let this go through the system. Quit thinking of yourself for once. This is NOT about you. I made the mistake of sending you money in the past, since that was not court-ordered. I hope you do know that this does open up proceedings for custody and visitation, if I choose."

He also stated that "we were never married...we were never boyfriend and girlfriend. We hooked up one night and you lied. Who are you to give me orders. The fact is if you didn't lie -- you wouldn't have these kids. Period."

As far as the 3k goes, he is not stating that as a way to get out of it...that is something *I* said years ago since I needed the money. I am just worried if he can use that against me, separately, that I tried to get money out of him to make me go away.

Also, CSEA here only deals with current/future support, not the past. I just want to make sure he can't try to do something, separately, about when I told him that "It's OK...I can't get pregnant." I know he's not one of those guys out there who gets girls prego and leaves. After all, he is the one who asked. I told him wrong.

 

[haiku]

wow........


anyhow, it doesn't matter if you told him you were an alien from melmac, you BOTH were morons for not using birth control. the court does no tgive a damn hOW you got pregnant, just that someone pays for the kid.

now you can go for child support, but he has every right to go for forms of custody and visitation to be a father to the children you want him to financially support.

 

[nextwife]

.

7 years ago, I met a guy and that night, wound up having sex. Before we even did, he asked me straight out "do I need to use anythin

I don't get how a woman would even want to have unprotected sex with a guy she just met. Doesn't anyone think about STDs?

 

[ryo]

Some people think that their judge of character is good enough to know if someone has an STD, obviously!

 

[haiku]

I don't get how a woman would even want to have unprotected sex with a guy she just met. Doesn't anyone think about STDs?

having other tests besides paternity come to mind..........

 

[audster]

ok, at least you didn't try to paint the poor guy with the "deadbeat" brush, that's good.

Since you stated that the twins consider your husband "Daddy", isn't a better solution just to drop CS and have current hubby adopt twins?

 

[BethM]

He IS cooperating & isn't fighting CS. I don't want to paint a negative picture of this guy. He did question why it took me 6 years to do this & is questioning whether I have truly have the best interest of the kids in mind.

Uh, and when he asked you why you had waited 6 years to try and get child support did you ask him why the hell he had not come forward and voluntarily offered to pay child support. This guy is a dip wad and you are taking up for him!! He has turned it all around on you, made you the one responsible for him not paying child support and you are buying into it. Let me ask you this...who has the best interest of the children in mind? The person who has been raising them for the last 7 yeras or the jerk who has been out there living in denial over his responsibility? Tell him to suck rocks!!

He told me "to knock off the bitter woman act after 7 years that you're STILL portraying and start accepting responsibilities for your actions

I love this stuff!! The guy drops his pants, is stupid enough to penetrate and ejaculate inside a woman who says to him, "nope, I can't get pregnant" and it's all your fault that babies came out of the union. Tell him he is as culpable as you are, that you don't want to hear his nonsense. If it helps him sleep at night to blame the entire thing on you and the fact that he has ignored his own three childre for 7 years then you give him permission to blame. I'd shove his attitude right back at him if I were you and stop making excuses for the weasel.

I know he's not one of those guys out there who gets girls prego and leaves

How can you say that and not laugh out loud? That is exactly the kind of guy he is. Has he been beating down your door over the last seven years wanting to see and take care of his children? Do you believe that just because you told him you couldn't get pregnant that, that relieves him of any common human decency in the situation. Stop playing into this guys delusional attitude!!

Yes, he sounds like the kind of guy who will try and use anything he can against you. Only problem is, he will be dealing with people who have heard it all and will laugh in his face when he tells them you told him you couldn't get pregnant. No cares, it doesn't matter and I can't wrap my brain around your defense of this jerk and his attitude toward you and his children.

 

[BethM]

ok, at least you didn't try to paint the poor guy with the "deadbeat" brush, that's good.

Why is that good? This guy has known for 7 years that he has 3 children in the world and he has taken minimal responsibility for them. When she finally insists that he step up to the plate he turns in all on her and blames her. I can't think of a better description for deadbeat than this guy myself.

 

[audster]

ohhh....whatever....

1) Where do you get 3 kids, I only read about twins. Did I miss something?

2) Try to see things from the other side, Ok? Something very similar happened to me once. In my (much) younger and (much) wilder days a girl said "I'm Pregnant, and I'ts yours". To which I replied "OK, after baby is born, we can do Paternity test and if kiddo is mine, I'll take care of it". She slapped me, called me and insensitive a**hole and that's the last I heard of it. Always kinda assumed it was the other geek she was sleeping with (I think the're married now).

 

[BethM]

1) Where do you get 3 kids, I only read about twins. Did I miss something?

Sorry, my bad, you are right, there are only 2 children he has been ignoring for 7 years.

Try to see things from the other side, Ok?

I am looking at it from the other perspective and as hard as I try I just can't fathom knowing I have 2 kids out there and not feeling an urge to know them and take care of them no matter how they happened.

The thing that bites me about this guy is his seeming belief that he should not feel normal human moivation toward his own children just because he was told she couldn't get pregnant. It's like if I hit a curb with my car and blaming the curb for being there. Hell I'm driving the car, know the curb is there and know there is a possibility I will hit it if I'm not careful. This guy dropped his pants, inserted his dick and if you are self aware enough you know what could happen REGARDLESS of what you have been told then you need to keep your pecker in your pants in my opinion or be ready to deal with consequences. I bet he has never taken the woman's word for it again!!

Always kinda assumed it was the other geek she was sleeping with (I think the're married now).

Some people can live with that attitude, rest peacefully at night and never give it a second thought. Some people would worry about the fact that they might have children, might feel a sense of responsibility and the need to know for sure. Different strokes for different folks. Hopefully the child was not yours, hopefully who ever the child belonged to he has been given a healthy, loving environment to grow up in.

 

[somedude]

learn to read, beth!

Wow Beth. Does all of your hostility prevent you from learning to read -- or understand what you read.

First of all, the OP stated the biodad was volutarily paying support. Obviously you missed that, TOO. In addition, you are quick to paint the guy a bad guy immediately and calling names without completely knowing the facts. I absolutely loved it (that's sarcasm) how you immediately turned the table and asked why THE GUY didn't come forward.

HEEEELLLO!!??? Bueller? Bueller? You're like the President blaming others for his incompetence. If she was so confident they were his, then WHY DID SHE WAIT 6 YEARS!? Why didn't she did go for test then or 5 years ago? HUH? What "brilliant" anti-guy answer do you have for that?

Using that curb example is just stupid.

Asking for 3 grand years ago to "make her go away" and then sending a letter wanting money with no comment at all about establishing a relationship with the kids makes me very curious as to the true intentions of this women. To me, it DOES sound like it's all about the money to her.

It's women like you, BethM, who immediately make the guy sound bad as if you women never do any bad. Quit with the "women are victims" act, will ya. If she was so confident, then the ball was in her court all of this time and JUST NOW she's going after CS. Hmmm...gimme a break.

It's people like you who spew you're emotions instead of actually offering any assistance. Knock it off.

 

[stealth2]

What astounds me, Beth, is that you only have harsh words for the father in this situation. Mom's no angel, either. She did the horizontal tango w/o protection - just as he did. She also tried to extort $3k from him. As well as extorting support payments. Let's add that she has the kids thinking some other guy is their father, and it sure doesn't sound as though she went to any great lengths to allow bioDad to get to know his kids. Gee, that shows great character. Not.

Should Dad help support his children? Absolutely. Should Mom get support back to birth? No way. I hope this guy files for joint custody and/or a hugely generous visitation schedule so that he can hopefully form a bond with the children he helped create.