Do I have any chance of getting full custody...HELP!

[J&A]

What is the name of your state? California.

Here is the situation. My ex wife has had custody of my 5 year old and 3 year old since our divorce 4 years ago. My visitation was only granted for every other weekend because of the young age of my children, but supposedly (although I am never involved in any decisions) I have 50% legal custody. I followed the court order consistently for the first year. Then allegations started pouring in. My ex would fight with me in front everyone, throw things at my head, accuse me of threatening/beating her, she threatened me with her family lying to "beat me in court." The final straw came when she accused me of molesting my then 3 1/2 year old daughter. It was at that time that I stopped attempting to see my children (child support still was paid on time every single month). My ex has since retracted that statement, denies ever saying this and let me see the kids every single weekend last summer. When she found out that I am getting married, she accused me of spitting on her at visitation and beating our children. I stopped seeing my kids again for about 4 months, my fiancé informed her that we broke up and now my ex is being nice again (we never broke up). Now I am again seeing them every other weekend at least. I pick them up and drop them off at daycare so that her and I can avoid all confrontation. I now am not a dumb kid and know to bring the cops if she denies visitation, unfortunately, I did not do this before.

Here is the problem now, daycare has informed me that they think my ex is crazy. She takes my children to the Dr. unnecessarily, spanks them every day all day for putting their shoes on the wrong foot or things like that, but lets them beat their dog and lie and hurt each other without any punishment at all. My ex has also accused the daycare of molesting both my son and my daughter only to drop the allegation a couple months later. The daycare has watched and loves both of my children since they were babies, which is the only reason why they continue to allow my children to go there, but they have been documenting everything. My daughter called me last night and I could here my ex screaming at my son in the background for crying and telling him not to ask for me or my fiancé (I guess he was begging for me and it made her mad). My ex then got on the phone and asked me if I beat the kids into being bad for her. We never speak bad about her no matter how bad I want to at times, but over and over my kids tell me of the horrible things she says about me and my fiance. I don't think she is the best parent to raise them out of the two of us. I honestly think she is bi-polar and has some mental issues. On top of the fact that she has herpes and sleeps around claiming that she is a "bio terrorist." What sane person says things like that??? She also works full time and goes to school full time, leaving very little time for the kids. My witnesses include her best friend of 9 years, the daycare, my fiancé, my family. My question is do I have any chance of getting full custody with the witnesses that I have? Or would it be better not to badmouth her or bring these things up to attempt to get half custody. Point is I want as much custody as possible. Unfortunately, because I didn't fight this battle sooner and let her intimidate me (yes I am not proud of this at all... quite embarrassed actually), do I have any chance of winning? Does anyone have similar stories that actually turned out successful? I have done a ton of research and all I am finding is that men don't have a chance..... HELP!!!! Any advice, similar stories, anything at all I would greatly appreciate.

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state? California.

Here is the situation. My ex wife has had custody of my 5 year old and 3 year old since our divorce 4 years ago. My visitation was only granted for every other weekend because of the young age of my children, but supposedly (although I am never involved in any decisions) I have 50% legal custody. I followed the court order consistently for the first year. Then allegations started pouring in. My ex would fight with me in front everyone, throw things at my head, accuse me of threatening/beating her, she threatened me with her family lying to "beat me in court." The final straw came when she accused me of molesting my then 3 1/2 year old daughter. It was at that time that I stopped attempting to see my children (child support still was paid on time every single month). My ex has since retracted that statement, denies ever saying this and let me see the kids every single weekend last summer. When she found out that I am getting married, she accused me of spitting on her at visitation and beating our children. I stopped seeing my kids again for about 4 months, my fiancé informed her that we broke up and now my ex is being nice again (we never broke up). Now I am again seeing them every other weekend at least. I pick them up and drop them off at daycare so that her and I can avoid all confrontation. I now am not a dumb kid and know to bring the cops if she denies visitation, unfortunately, I did not do this before.

Here is the problem now, daycare has informed me that they think my ex is crazy. She takes my children to the Dr. unnecessarily, spanks them every day all day for putting their shoes on the wrong foot or things like that, but lets them beat their dog and lie and hurt each other without any punishment at all. My ex has also accused the daycare of molesting both my son and my daughter only to drop the allegation a couple months later. The daycare has watched and loves both of my children since they were babies, which is the only reason why they continue to allow my children to go there, but they have been documenting everything. My daughter called me last night and I could here my ex screaming at my son in the background for crying and telling him not to ask for me or my fiancé (I guess he was begging for me and it made her mad). My ex then got on the phone and asked me if I beat the kids into being bad for her. We never speak bad about her no matter how bad I want to at times, but over and over my kids tell me of the horrible things she says about me and my fiance. I don't think she is the best parent to raise them out of the two of us. I honestly think she is bi-polar and has some mental issues. On top of the fact that she has herpes and sleeps around claiming that she is a "bio terrorist." What sane person says things like that??? She also works full time and goes to school full time, leaving very little time for the kids. My witnesses include her best friend of 9 years, the daycare, my fiancé, my family. My question is do I have any chance of getting full custody with the witnesses that I have? Or would it be better not to badmouth her or bring these things up to attempt to get half custody. Point is I want as much custody as possible. Unfortunately, because I didn't fight this battle sooner and let her intimidate me (yes I am not proud of this at all... quite embarrassed actually), do I have any chance of winning? Does anyone have similar stories that actually turned out successful? I have done a ton of research and all I am finding is that men don't have a chance..... HELP!!!! Any advice, similar stories, anything at all I would greatly appreciate.

If she is beating your children "every day, all day long" then surely there are marks/bruises? If you believe they are being abused, you need to contact children's services. In CA they typically go unnanounced to the homes and to the children's daycare &/or school.

You can obtain sworn declarations from the daycare provider or anyone else who has witnessed her raging at you or the children &/or abusing them.

You can file in court to modify custody and ask that a GAL, CASA or evaluator be assigned so that a review can be done of you both and the children to determine what custody placement would be best.

If you are denied court ordered visitation contact the police from where you are supposed to pick them up- file a police report. If it continues, file in court for contempt. At first she'll likely get a warning, but if she continues to deny visitation she will face fines, jail time, even loss of custody. Judges DO NOT like denying visitation or defying court order.

 

[J&A]

Thank you very much for your recommendation. As far as bruises, no. I don't think she spanks them that hard. In fact, I believe in spankings but my kids are actually very well behaved. The things that she spanks them for are ridiculous and the things she doesn't spank them for are ridiculous... hitting their dog, wiping bugars on people get no punishment. However, putting shoes on the wrong foot get spankings. that is my thing, it is hard to determine what I have a say in and what I don't have a say in. She screams at them all the time, that is one thing she does all day every day. Ugh, I don't know. I will get daycare to make statements. Do Judges in family law matters allow "witnesses"?

 

[J&A]

I didn't mean to put "all day every day" but I would say at least 3-5 times a day.

 

[casa]

Thank you very much for your recommendation. As far as bruises, no. I don't think she spanks them that hard. In fact, I believe in spankings but my kids are actually very well behaved. The things that she spanks them for are ridiculous and the things she doesn't spank them for are ridiculous... hitting their dog, wiping bugars on people get no punishment. However, putting shoes on the wrong foot get spankings. that is my thing, it is hard to determine what I have a say in and what I don't have a say in. She screams at them all the time, that is one thing she does all day every day. Ugh, I don't know. I will get daycare to make statements. Do Judges in family law matters allow "witnesses"?

Sworn declarations serve as witness statements, though testimony can be heard from people- this usually happens only if/when there is a custody trial. The people usually asked to testify are professionals (Teachers, Doctors, Therapists etc.) Statements from friends & family carry much less weight since your friends & family will say good things about you and not her, and her friends & family will say good things about her & not you.

In CA for any custody hearing mediation is required first. In mediation you bring up your concerns and give the mediator any contact information for professionals (In your case daycare) The mediator will also read any declarations you have as long as they are filed prior to the deadline to mediation.

Differing parenting styles are not enough to change custody. You say she yells all day long, but the truth is you are not there all day long- so that is hearsay. She may not spank them for wiping 'boogers' on people or hitting their dog- but again that's not considered major...some people don't spank their children at all. If you complain about what she does spank them for, you are also opening the door for her to complain what you spank them for. (See where this is going? In circles )

Check CA Family Law Code online and look up "Change of Circumstance" to see if your situation meets the requirements.

Joint legal custody rights are also outlined in the Family Law Code. Basically educational, medical etc. For instance, if she takes the kids to the Dr. because they are sick and doesn't tell you- that's not contempt. If she consents to a major &/or invasive surgery without your consent (& it's not life threatening) that could be contempt.

Have you considered counseling for the children? A therapist would be able to help shed light on the situation- and also help you better cope with the situation. Most of all they'd also provide a professional's opinion on the effect (good or bad) that either of you have upon the children which would be useful in court.

 

[J&A]

Thank you again very much, very helpful information! Counseling is a good idea... Her roommate during the summer who is her best friend of nine years is the one who would testify against her for screaming all the time and such... but like you said, and I already kind of suspected her testimony would be taken with a grain of salt. I wish I could record phone calls, that would be very helpful but it is illegal in this state. I actually have never spanked my children, although I do believe in it for really bad things, they are very very well behaved. She always calls me saying they are out of control and to talk to them. For whatever reason (and I am pretty strict) I have never seen this out of control side to my kids. I suspect it is her behavior with them. Daycare never has disciplinary problems with them either.

 

[gml659]

Send her some emails and see if she will take the bait. I can't tell you what to say but be creative, "Remember the other night when you were beating the kids and Johnny had a welt", If she does not deny it you MAY have her. If she admits it on the email you got her.

Of course save your outgoing emails.

Get a private detective.

Get a camcorder.

GMl

 

[J&A]

Is it legal to use a camcorder? If so, I would think taping phone conversations should be too.... if those two things were legal, I would have NO PROBLEM, believe me. My ex is pretty darn smart unfortunately. She is very smooth about what she says in e-mails and in writing. And she LOVES to deny things she knows are true in writing. I asked a long time ago to only e-mail her because our phone conversations turn into her screaming at me and telling my 5 year old daughter "your daddy doesn't love you"... She tries to turn everything around on me and tells everyone that I bully her, that I am verbally abusive bla bla bla.... I asked her that all of our conversations be through e-mail and I am thinking of just telling her that I am recording all phone calls... because in CA you have to notify that person first. Now the private investigator is a good idea. Although between a lawyer, investigator and cs, I am broke!!! Does this ever end????

 

[casa]

Is it legal to use a camcorder? If so, I would think taping phone conversations should be too.... if those two things were legal, I would have NO PROBLEM, believe me. My ex is pretty darn smart unfortunately. She is very smooth about what she says in e-mails and in writing. And she LOVES to deny things she knows are true in writing. I asked a long time ago to only e-mail her because our phone conversations turn into her screaming at me and telling my 5 year old daughter "your daddy doesn't love you"... She tries to turn everything around on me and tells everyone that I bully her, that I am verbally abusive bla bla bla.... I asked her that all of our conversations be through e-mail and I am thinking of just telling her that I am recording all phone calls... because in CA you have to notify that person first. Now the private investigator is a good idea. Although between a lawyer, investigator and cs, I am broke!!! Does this ever end????

In CA you can't just tell someone you are recording conversations~ They have to CONSENT to the recording. If they do not consent, you need to get a court order. If you record without consent or film her without her consent- you are opening the door for her to able to actually prove you harrass or stalk her.

The safest bet is to petition for a change in custody in court and ask for a GAL or evaluator to be assigned. In custody cases parents say every horrible thing about each other and judges know this, so take anything that can't be proven with a grain of salt. ie; Parent files for support or support modification- so the other counters with allegations. The judge realizes the timing is no coincidence.

 

[stealth2]

Send her some emails and see if she will take the bait. I can't tell you what to say but be creative, "Remember the other night when you were beating the kids and Johnny had a welt", If she does not deny it you MAY have her. If she admits it on the email you got her.

Oh Lord. None of that is going to be admissible. Crawl back under your rock.

 

[J&A]

To CASA or anyone......

Hey there, I know you have experience w/ this so I am asking you. How much to GALs tend to cost?

I (or rather my lawyer) filed a cs and custody modification, the process has started! I have counseling started for my children next week like you advised.

Problem is Ex is playing very dirty now. She telling my kids that I am a liar and trying to steal them from her. I called and asked her about it and she happily admitts to it and says if I continue w/ child support modification and custody modification, she will make my kids hate me.

My lawyer says if I could afford private mediation, I would win because they take the time to research things and it would give my case a better outcome.
Have you done this too? Do GALS research these things too?

 

[joan marie]

Judges DO NOT like denying visitation or defying court order.

I wish. Im in court practically every 6 mos to just enforce my 6 yo divorce and subsequent orders. If it wasnt so sad, it would actually be funny.

joan marie *

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Hey there, I know you have experience w/ this so I am asking you. How much to GALs tend to cost?

I (or rather my lawyer) filed a cs and custody modification, the process has started! I have counseling started for my children next week like you advised.

Problem is Ex is playing very dirty now. She telling my kids that I am a liar and trying to steal them from her. I called and asked her about it and she happily admitts to it and says if I continue w/ child support modification and custody modification, she will make my kids hate me.

My lawyer says if I could afford private mediation, I would win because they take the time to research things and it would give my case a better outcome.
Have you done this too? Do GALS research these things too?

Gals represent the children and research in order to do that, YOU can request an EC 730 evaluation at anytime in the proceedings, the court could order it as well, that includes psychological evaluations. Have you, the school or her roommate made a report to CPS? Have you taken the children to a doctor? They are mandated reporters.

 

[J&A]

Gals represent the children and research in order to do that, YOU can request an EC 730 evaluation at anytime in the proceedings, the court could order it as well, that includes psychological evaluations. Have you, the school or her roommate made a report to CPS? Have you taken the children to a doctor? They are mandated reporters.

I take them to the Dr., but not in regards to everything going on. I have an appointment for a psychologist this next week for them. I was advised not to call CPS because for the most part, her house is clean, it isn't like she is a drug addict so they said it would be futile.... I take it that was bad advise?!! I will call CPS then immediately if you think it would help. Daycare has not called either. Daycare has however, documented everything from conversations, to the things my children say because of her molestation accusation. I might add, she has accused me of that too.

I am just so frustrated, I feel like I can't really prove anything I know about her. For example, her school is 4-6 hours, two days a week and our kids are picked up those days by their Grandparents (who are pill and pott-heads), she goes out on her weekends and puts them w/ a baby sitter. I have first right of refusal, but I cannot really prove that she is doing that because although she blatantly admits it to me and laughs about it.... I can't tape our phone conversations and she isn't stupid enough to put it in writing or say it around anyone. She tells my kids I don't love them, that I am a liar and trying to steal them from her... she admits it to me and lies about it to eveveryone else. Our court order says no alcohol around the kids, she drinks like a skunk. All of these things I know for a fact, but I don't want to go to court and whine about all of it because then they'll think I am uncooperative and pointing fingers. It is so hard to hear your daughter ask you while crying "Daddy, Mommy says you don't love me." The problem is proof.

Thank you for the recomendations, I will request psych tests, GAL, evaluations... I think it is the only thing that would prove what she says/does to the kids.

 

[casa]

I take them to the Dr., but not in regards to everything going on. I have an appointment for a psychologist this next week for them. I was advised not to call CPS because for the most part, her house is clean, it isn't like she is a drug addict so they said it would be futile.... I take it that was bad advise?!! I will call CPS then immediately if you think it would help. Daycare has not called either. Daycare has however, documented everything from conversations, to the things my children say because of her molestation accusation. I might add, she has accused me of that too.

I am just so frustrated, I feel like I can't really prove anything I know about her. For example, her school is 4-6 hours, two days a week and our kids are picked up those days by their Grandparents (who are pill and pott-heads), she goes out on her weekends and puts them w/ a baby sitter. I have first right of refusal, but I cannot really prove that she is doing that because although she blatantly admits it to me and laughs about it.... I can't tape our phone conversations and she isn't stupid enough to put it in writing or say it around anyone. She tells my kids I don't love them, that I am a liar and trying to steal them from her... she admits it to me and lies about it to eveveryone else. Our court order says no alcohol around the kids, she drinks like a skunk. All of these things I know for a fact, but I don't want to go to court and whine about all of it because then they'll think I am uncooperative and pointing fingers. It is so hard to hear your daughter ask you while crying "Daddy, Mommy says you don't love me." The problem is proof.

Thank you for the recomendations, I will request psych tests, GAL, evaluations... I think it is the only thing that would prove what she says/does to the kids.

In CA mediation is ordered by the court when parents cannot agree on a parenting plan. It is through the courts. They will review any documentation &/or declarations you have filed on the case. The will contact any therapists, doctors etc. as long as you give them the contact information.

I agree with rmet, in a case like this- it's best to ask for a 730 evaluation. (Mine was a godsend) People who 'pretend' or infect their children with negativity about the other parent will be revealed in a psychological evaluation. In the meantime, follow through with therapy if you can- and when you see your children explain to them in age appropriate terms what is going on. ie; that you are seeing a Dr. or therapist to help you and Mommy decide what is the best way to 'share' time with them. Reinforce that you love them no matter what and you do not expect them to pick sides. Spend quality time with them and eventually they will decipher who is who.