Do I have to allow visitation if Dad isn't there?

[Chaos4477]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TX

We just learned that my ex (who remarried 10 years ago) has now separated, has established a separate residence and formally notified me of new address via mail etc..... and plans to divorce. My son who is 14, is being forced by his Dad to go for visitation and is being dropped off at his soon to be ex step mother's home while his Dad returns to his apt. He is not close to his step mother and has argued with his Dad for hours about not wanting to go for visits. My son is being forced to spend the night with his step mother and his Dad returns in later the next morning. Do I have to allow his visitations if this is the circumstance? My son does NOT want to continue to go see his Dad if this is the case....

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TX

We just learned that my ex (who remarried 10 years ago) has now separated, has established a separate residence and formally notified me of new address via mail etc..... and plans to divorce. My son who is 14, is being forced by his Dad to go for visitation and is being dropped off at his soon to be ex step mother's home while his Dad returns to his apt. He is not close to his step mother and has argued with his Dad for hours about not wanting to go for visits. My son is being forced to spend the night with his step mother and his Dad returns in later the next morning. Do I have to allow his visitations if this is the circumstance? My son does NOT want to continue to go see his Dad if this is the case....

YOUR SON does NOT get a choice in the matter. What exactly is your court order? Dad is available but he is allowing junior to sleep in his bed at dad's home.

 

[Chaos4477]

We have joint custody but I have residency rights. We live 50 miles apart so he goes to his Dad's every other week (not Weds nights). My son does not have a room at either his Dad's old house (but the other 2 boys from the step mom do) nor does he have a room or bed at his Dad's new apartment (the other 2 boys do)....
He literally came by, picked up his son from our home Friday night at 6pm, drove to stepmom's home and dropped off son at 7:30 and left for the night and returned to the home at 10am the next day. My son specifically asked to stay with his Dad and his dad said no. His visitation is with his Dad not stepmom. What happens if son refuses to go? He is a straight A student and is really really upset, and is a teenager. He is involved in football and his Dad agreed that as he got older he would be okay with his visits dropping to once a month so he could practice and spend time with friends. We have moved frequently over several years and son flew into see Dad once a month for years. My concern is his Dad is truly hurting his relationship with his son and isn't listening to anyone about it.

 

[Antigone*]

We have joint custody but I have residency rights. We live 50 miles apart so he goes to his Dad's every other week (not Weds nights). My son does not have a room at either his Dad's old house (but the other 2 boys from the step mom do) nor does he have a room or bed at his Dad's new apartment (the other 2 boys do)....
He literally came by, picked up his son from our home Friday night at 6pm, drove to stepmom's home and dropped off son at 7:30 and left for the night and returned to the home at 10am the next day. My son specifically asked to stay with his Dad and his dad said no. His visitation is with his Dad not stepmom. What happens if son refuses to go? He is a straight A student and is really really upset, and is a teenager. He is involved in football and his Dad agreed that as he got older he would be okay with his visits dropping to once a month so he could practice and spend time with friends. We have moved frequently over several years and son flew into see Dad once a month for years. My concern is his Dad is truly hurting his relationship with his son and isn't listening to anyone about it.

Dad's relationship with his son is something you can't control; unfortunately that is between Dad and Son. Have you tried talking to Dad about making adjustments to the visitation schedule?

 

[LdiJ]

We have joint custody but I have residency rights. We live 50 miles apart so he goes to his Dad's every other week (not Weds nights). My son does not have a room at either his Dad's old house (but the other 2 boys from the step mom do) nor does he have a room or bed at his Dad's new apartment (the other 2 boys do)....
He literally came by, picked up his son from our home Friday night at 6pm, drove to stepmom's home and dropped off son at 7:30 and left for the night and returned to the home at 10am the next day. My son specifically asked to stay with his Dad and his dad said no. His visitation is with his Dad not stepmom. What happens if son refuses to go? He is a straight A student and is really really upset, and is a teenager. He is involved in football and his Dad agreed that as he got older he would be okay with his visits dropping to once a month so he could practice and spend time with friends. We have moved frequently over several years and son flew into see Dad once a month for years. My concern is his Dad is truly hurting his relationship with his son and isn't listening to anyone about it.

I agree that its a sucky situation for your son. I have no idea why dad is doing that, unless dad has a girlfriend that he is spending time with on Friday nights. Another possibility is that dad wants the child to have some time with his half siblings...but dad could do that by having all of them the same weekend.

However, the others are right, if dad picks up the child dad controls what goes on with the child during his parenting time.

Have you tried to make an appointment to talk to dad about the situation and how the teen feels about it? I am talking about a serious, sit down discussion when you both have time to talk? Or, if that is impossible what about enlisting help from the paternal grandparents to help dad understand that its not a comfortable situation for the teen?

I will be honest and tell you that if you deny visitation because the child is uncomfortable being forced to stay overnight with his father's estranged wife, and dad files for contempt, its likely that you won't get dinged too hard (ie you won't lose custody over it but you might end up paying dad's legal fees). However there is also a decent chance that you would get ordered to mediation, which would give you the chance to truly discuss it with dad if you cannot accomplish that any other way.

 

[Ohiogal]

I agree that its a sucky situation for your son. I have no idea why dad is doing that, unless dad has a girlfriend that he is spending time with on Friday nights. Another possibility is that dad wants the child to have some time with his half siblings...but dad could do that by having all of them the same weekend.

However, the others are right, if dad picks up the child dad controls what goes on with the child during his parenting time.

Have you tried to make an appointment to talk to dad about the situation and how the teen feels about it? I am talking about a serious, sit down discussion when you both have time to talk? Or, if that is impossible what about enlisting help from the paternal grandparents to help dad understand that its not a comfortable situation for the teen?

I will be honest and tell you that if you deny visitation because the child is uncomfortable being forced to stay overnight with his father's estranged wife, and dad files for contempt, its likely that you won't get dinged too hard (ie you won't lose custody over it but you might end up paying dad's legal fees). However there is also a decent chance that you would get ordered to mediation, which would give you the chance to truly discuss it with dad if you cannot accomplish that any other way.

Not all courts mediate contempt due to its quasi criminal nature. Also don't make guarantees of that nature.

 

[LdiJ]

Not all courts mediate contempt due to its quasi criminal nature. Also don't make guarantees of that nature.

I made no guarantee...however reality is reality.

 

[Chaos4477]

I had a feeling we really wouldn't have much to work with based upon our initial divorce, long complicated etc etc.

First, I hope maybe this is temporary due to fact that he is going to court again and is trying to make a "good impression" for his other 2 sons by insisting on such regular visitation since he was much more lenient in past. We can try to talk it through, but it the past - Dad assumes all the frustration is really coming from me and not his Son.... thus I have brainwashed the child. He can't see that I am trying to help protect and preserve his relationship with his son so it really is so hard to sit back and watch all this happen and feel helpless to help my son.

Second, I was really hoping that there was some age that kiddos in these situations had a bit more rights. I had heard that 12 was the age where children had much more say so in divorce in terms of visitation and residency but wasn't sure what was fact vs. fiction.

I really don't want to go back to court, too painful for all so will wait to see how all this plays out. I did want to know what would happen if son just flat out refuses to go. He was to attend a school sporting event for charity with friends and teachers and spend night with friends afterwards and Dad is refusing to let him go as it's his weekend.... and I have a feeling son may just go with friends anyway. He is really really mad at his Dad and told me he just flat out has no respect for him anymore. thanks to all for your input - truly appreciate it!

 

[wileybunch]

Try to talk to Dad about the drop off arrangement. Maybe that's not even what's happening.

But, if it is and you don't get anywhere talking to Dad and you really are handling it as maturely as possible and things just don't make sense, go back to court to see if you can get visitation modified so that this can't be happening. You'll have to make sure whatever modification you get would also make sense when applying to you because it wouldn't be at all surprising if Dad asked for the language to apply to both parties.

I just want to add, too, that you need to stop worrying so much about someone else's relationship with someone else. You're not them, you don't really know what either one feels, etc. You might be concerned about things you see, but your son, in this case, is certainly old enough to speak to people he has relationships with about his concerns and feelings and/or he needs to learn to do that, it's part of growing up.

 

[Chaos4477]

Yes, I agree with your statement about him needing to express his feelings etc. I can't control his relationship with his Dad and he does need to fight and stand up for himself more as part of the maturing process, but it can be hard for a 14 year old to grow up so fast while others don't have to. Just the luck of the draw I suppose.

If things don't settle down a bit here shortly - we will end up back in court to modify visitation. I want to give it a few weeks. Dad also pulls stunts like insisting on son being there for Christmas, while Dad is out of country on business travel so he is truly digging himself holes that he can't make up. One day, my son will get tired of it all and tell his Dad how he truly feels - until that time I remain his worried Mom

 

[LdiJ]

Yes, I agree with your statement about him needing to express his feelings etc. I can't control his relationship with his Dad and he does need to fight and stand up for himself more as part of the maturing process, but it can be hard for a 14 year old to grow up so fast while others don't have to. Just the luck of the draw I suppose.

If things don't settle down a bit here shortly - we will end up back in court to modify visitation. I want to give it a few weeks. Dad also pulls stunts like insisting on son being there for Christmas, while Dad is out of country on business travel so he is truly digging himself holes that he can't make up. One day, my son will get tired of it all and tell his Dad how he truly feels - until that time I remain his worried Mom

You honestly could deny visitation in a scenario where dad would not be there at all.

 

[wileybunch]

You honestly could deny visitation in a scenario where dad would not be there at all.

Right, but Dad could also go underground more on the issue and Mom wouldn't know in advance for sure one way or another. This should be addressed in court if it's an ongoing issue if you can't get an understanding with Dad that it's not OK for him to delegate his visitation to his wife.

 

[LdiJ]

Right, but Dad could also go underground more on the issue and Mom wouldn't know in advance for sure one way or another. This should be addressed in court if it's an ongoing issue if you can't get an understanding with Dad that it's not OK for him to delegate his visitation to his wife.

I agree, but its hardly going to be an issue much longer, since apparently dad and his wife are divorcing.

 

[Chaos4477]

My son asked me this morning if he can take his Dad to court so he doesn't have to see his Dad - I honestly don't know. He is 14 - anyone know the answer?

This scenario is likely to continue as his Dad's elderly parents live with the stepmom and Dad won't be able to get a home for another year so I don't see situation getting better any sooner... very strange situation.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

My son asked me this morning if he can take his Dad to court so he doesn't have to see his Dad - I honestly don't know. He is 14 - anyone know the answer?

This scenario is likely to continue as his Dad's elderly parents live with the stepmom and Dad won't be able to get a home for another year so I don't see situation getting better any sooner... very strange situation.

Not sure this will help, OG would be better to answer this one, but i think (again, OG is one, she'd know for sure) a GAL could get involved in this one...