Do I have to release my child to whoever father designates to pick child up?

[Mom_of_two_boyz]

What is the name of your state? Mississippi (Father lives in different state)

Father has been sending other relatives to pick up our son. He has sent his daughter (different household), his Mother (different household), a woman whom I did not know knocked on the window and said that she is his wife and she was here to pick up son.

I understand that it is reasonable to have someone else pick up our son for visitation from time to time. His wife is in the same household with him so I think that is the best option if he cannot pick up our child. That is the option that I feel most comfortable with. Mother picked up son and put my son and the car seat in the front seat of the car. When I tried to correct her, she scolded me and drove off with our son (2).

There have been issues (of abuse) within his family in the past and I don't like that my son is being passed around in these different households. I don't even know if or when Dad is actually getting our son from these other relatives once I drop him off. I feel that our son should be released to Dad or his wife. I also believe Dad is involving third parties to create additional and unnecessary tension.

However, this is all the parenting plan says in this regard: -Transportation: The parent who has the child takes the child to the exchange location. -Residential schedules: Mother and father shall exchange children as set forth in the attached residential schedules. -Additional Orders: Mother transporting child from her current residence and exchanges of the child to take place at XYZ. Father travels to (city) to exercise visitation and exchanges to take place at XYZ.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? Mississippi (Father lives in different state)

Father has been sending other relatives to pick up our son. He has sent his daughter (different household), his Mother (different household), a woman whom I did not know knocked on the window and said that she is his wife and she was here to pick up son.

I understand that it is reasonable to have someone else pick up our son for visitation from time to time. His wife is in the same household with him so I think that is the best option if he cannot pick up our child. That is the option that I feel most comfortable with. Mother picked up son and put my son and the car seat in the front seat of the car. When I tried to correct her, she scolded me and drove off with our son (2).

There have been issues (of abuse) within his family in the past and I don't like that my son is being passed around in these different households. I don't even know if or when Dad is actually getting our son from these other relatives once I drop him off. I feel that our son should be released to Dad or his wife. I also believe Dad is involving third parties to create additional and unnecessary tension.

However, this is all the parenting plan says in this regard: -Transportation: The parent who has the child takes the child to the exchange location. -Residential schedules: Mother and father shall exchange children as set forth in the attached residential schedules. -Additional Orders: Mother transporting child from her current residence and exchanges of the child to take place at XYZ. Father travels to (city) to exercise visitation and exchanges to take place at XYZ.

Your order does not address the issue of dad sending other people to pick up the child. It clearly indicates that mom and dad are the ones to make the exchange. Therefore, unless state law/state guidelines address the issue, its dad and mom that are supposed to be present for the exchanges.

 

[adjusterjack]

Agree. Unless the court order says otherwise you can refuse to release the child to anybody other than the father.

Unfortunately, if he sends the child back with somebody else, you won't be able to prevent that without taking him back to court for an injunction against the behavior.

And, of course, you can't control what happens while the child is at his father's home.

I also believe Dad is involving third parties to create additional and unnecessary tension.

Really? I wonder what Dad would say about you.

 

[LdiJ]

Agree. Unless the court order says otherwise you can refuse to release the child to anybody other than the father.

Unfortunately, if he sends the child back with somebody else, you won't be able to prevent that without taking him back to court for an injunction against the behavior.

And, of course, you can't control what happens while the child is at his father's home.



Really? I wonder what Dad would say about you.

We all know that there are parents out there who live to create conflict with the other parent...even if the other parent is doing their best to coparent. I honestly don't think it's helpful to say things like the bolded.

 

[t74]

What are father's work obligations especially since he apparently must drive between states and apparently must have vistation at your location?. Could it be that he would be unable to exercise his visitation if someone did not do the exchanges? Why would you expect his wife, assuming she lives out of state with him, to make a separate trip to transport the child?

Both of you should follow the court orders, Dad should go to court to have them changed to what is appropriate for his situation. This could/should have his visitation in his home city. Why should he do all of the transportation?

 

[Mom_of_two_boyz]

What are father's work obligations especially since he apparently must drive between states and apparently must have vistation at your location?Could it be that he would be unable to exercise his visitation if someone did not do the exchanges? Why would you expect his wife, assuming she lives out of state with him, to make a separate trip to transport the child?

Both of you should follow the court orders, Dad should go to court to have them changed to what is appropriate for his situation. This could/should have his visitation in his home city. Why should he do all of the transportation?

I drive to his state once per month. He drives to my state once per month. However, I’m not certain if he is coming at all being that he sends different people. If he is indeed coming to my city, I am not certain when he is getting our child from other family members.

Dad sent an email stating that he can designate anyone he wants to pick up our child. He says because the parenting plan does not address this clearly. However, I interpreted that exchanges are between Mom and Dad.

If it is true, then father is not traveling to do visitation and I am doing all the traveling to get our son to him and father is not paying any child support. He has done so much to avoid child support, I have given up on that.

The parenting plan states specifically that fathers visitation during his time is to take place in my city. Dad should be at least traveling to my city once per month for visitation. I’m not certain if his job allows this. However, I take off work once per month to get our son to visitation with Dad.

Dad signed off in agreement with parenting plan. I am following court orders. I am even bending the rules for him in hopes that I am being reasonable. But I don’t want to keep doing things that I may be uncomfortable with in regards to our child. He is just two years old. Visitations and coparenting are difficult enough between two parents. I’m concerned that several third parties making the situation even more difficult. His Mom returned our son from visitation again today. And our 2 year old son was riding in the front seat yet again.

I said his wife, because she is in the same household so I at least I know that our son is where Dad would typically be.

 

[Mom_of_two_boyz]

Agree. Unless the court order says otherwise you can refuse to release the child to anybody other than the father.

Unfortunately, if he sends the child back with somebody else, you won't be able to prevent that without taking him back to court for an injunction against the behavior.

And, of course, you can't control what happens while the child is at his father's home.



Really? I wonder what Dad would say about you.

Maybe I shouldn’t have worded it that way. It does create unnecessary conflict. I think coparenting between the two of us has been difficult enough. It is also a very personal situation for child, mom, and father alike and having 3rd parties continuously involved is not going to be healthy in the long run considering the history.

 

[LdiJ]

Maybe I shouldn’t have worded it that way. It does create unnecessary conflict. I think coparenting between the two of us has been difficult enough. It is also a very personal situation for child, mom, and father alike and having 3rd parties continuously involved is not going to be healthy in the long run considering the history.

I suspect that grandma is either NOT delivering the child to dad, or that dad is coming to grandma's house later in the weekend. The same could apply to his daughter. It appears that the only time that grandma or big sis see the child is on dad's one weekend in your community. So, they are likely trying to take advantage of having that time with your son, even if dad cannot exercise all or part of it.

There are pros and cons to allowing that to continue. The biggest con is that tends to develop a sense of entitlement with grandma and big sis and if something happens to dad, they are going to want that to continue. They are going to want that "scheduled" time with the child and might take you to court for grandparents visitation rights. You don't want that because you want to be able to say "not this time" if grandma or big sis wants the child and you have other plans.

On the pro side of things, it IS in you child's best interest to have a relationship with his paternal grandparents and his big sister if they are decent people, and it could be easier for you to not have to worry about facilitating any of that on your time...particularly if nothing ever happens to dad.

Were it will get weird, is if sometime in the future you end up moving somewhere that is closer to dad but is farther away from grandma and big sis. Or, the same distance from dad but farther away from grandma and big sis. Dad won't be able to stop you from doing it because logically he should not object to the child living closer to or the same distance from, him, but he may try to do so court-wise anyway, under pressure from grandma and big sis.

 

[Mom_of_two_boyz]

Dad’s Mom also has foster children and it is a rule here that foster children and my child are not supposed to be in her care at the same time. However, she would have them in the car sometimes as well.

Big sis is only 19 and I just think it would be best if Dad gets our son when he comes to town and he should facilitate time with them then.

I hate to look like the villain but I’m really uncomfortable with this. Nothing against Mom or sister.

 

[LdiJ]

Dad’s Mom also has foster children and it is a rule here that foster children and my child are not supposed to be in her care at the same time. However, she would have them in the car sometimes as well.

What is the actual rule you are talking about here? Is it something in your court order or is it something in the law? If it's something in the law can you quote the actual law?

Big sis is only 19 and I just think it would be best if Dad gets our son when he comes to town and he should facilitate time with them then.

I hate to look like the villain but I’m really uncomfortable with this. Nothing against Mom or sister.

I can sympathize but I need to know about that rule/law you were talking about before I can comment more.

 

[t74]

Your CHILD deserves to be supported by both parents. You should pursue child support directly from his paycheck and go for arrears. If you do not "need" it, put it in an educational fund.

You and dad really need to sit down with a parenting relationship counselor. Since the child is only 2, you have a long way to go. From your statements, it appears that both sides are being unreasonable - not necessarily equally. Your anger and frustration about things about which you are right is going to adversely affect your child; please see someone for your own mental health as well. I think your problems are solvable. I am wondering if part of it is the timing of his marriage and the birth of the child.

The relationship help you would benefit from is too extensive from a forum. Yo have too many people involved and you have not even mentioned your family's involvement. We can sympathize/empathize, but IMO you are not going to resolve the issues on your own. Please try talking before battling it out in court. It may very well turn out that court is your only option.

By the way, my DD was more mature at 19 than most 40 something women I know. Do not discount his DD; make her your friend and ally.

Also, when it comes to the carseat - could the child being places in the front seat because the grandmother is unable to physically properly install it in the rear? The new ones are difficult for us older folks to manage. Offer to install it for her while giving her a cup of coffee to relax before leaving your place.

 

[LdiJ]

Your CHILD deserves to be supported by both parents. You should pursue child support directly from his paycheck and go for arrears. If you do not "need" it, put it in an educational fund.

You and dad really need to sit down with a parenting relationship counselor. Since the child is only 2, you have a long way to go. From your statements, it appears that both sides are being unreasonable - not necessarily equally. Your anger and frustration about things about which you are right is going to adversely affect your child; please see someone for your own mental health as well. I think your problems are solvable. I am wondering if part of it is the timing of his marriage and the birth of the child.

The relationship help you would benefit from is too extensive from a forum. Yo have too many people involved and you have not even mentioned your family's involvement. We can sympathize/empathize, but IMO you are not going to resolve the issues on your own. Please try talking before battling it out in court. It may very well turn out that court is your only option.

By the way, my DD was more mature at 19 than most 40 something women I know. Do not discount his DD; make her your friend and ally.

Also, when it comes to the carseat - could the child being places in the front seat because the grandmother is unable to physically properly install it in the rear? The new ones are difficult for us older folks to manage. Offer to install it for her while giving her a cup of coffee to relax before leaving your place.

In theory I agree with most of this. However, only a true idiot would put a child in the FRONT seat at age 2. Yes, I can see someone with a car seat problem of some sort putting a two year old in a seatbelt in the back seat, but in the front seat is crazy, particularly someone who is a qualified foster parent.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Also, when it comes to the carseat - could the child being places in the front seat because the grandmother is unable to physically properly install it in the rear? The new ones are difficult for us older folks to manage. Offer to install it for her while giving her a cup of coffee to relax before leaving your place.

Some police departments have people who are trained to help instruct you on proper car seat installation. At least, my police department used to. The officer had useful, cost effective suggestions (pool noodles!) for improving the fit, and had replacement seats available for those in need.

When there is acrimony, suggesting a neutral party's help is more calming. Sharing the information as, "Wow, look at this resource! Look into it!" might come across more friendly than what you've suggested.

Grandma should know better, and would probably take offense at either of our suggestions.

There's always the possibility of going to court and asking that the order be modified to require that those transporting the child be required to abide by state guidelines (whichever state is stricter). However, denying visitation (or delaying it) for violating that could backfire on OP.

 

[t74]

Getting the child in a properly installed carseat is too important to butt heads over it. IMO mom should try the honey approach and make the offer to install it since she cannot insure that grandma would go to the police demonstration.

An alternative is to buy a carseat for grandma's car, install it once and know that it easier to just put the child in the seat already there than to move it.

 

[stealth2]

An alternative is to buy a carseat for grandma's car, install it once and know that it easier to just put the child in the seat already there than to move it.

That's what I'd do.