don't know were to start need advice.

[beth_parr]

What is the name of your state?Michigan

Ok this might get long but I don't know what to do and i need advice.

My mom had a severe stroke in Nov 2000. She needs 24 hour care. My father asked me if I would do it since he didn't want her in a nurseing home. I agreed and we set out a payment plan. He would pay me what he could afford upfront and the rest would be kept track of and when he sold one of there properties he would pay me what was owed plus interest. I was 21 at the time and just wanted to help my parents so I didn't exactly think things thru, also working for them made it so my daughter didn't need to be in daycare. at first my mom was living at my dads. For about 8months I was at my parents house from 4am till 8pm which left me no time at all to get anything done at my house or with my daughter. also my father was always complaining about his bills being high and how he didn't have any money. So it just made more sence to have my mom live at my house. It would save my dad money and it would save me time. So she came to live with me.(by the way I rent a house from my parents) My dad and I worked out another payment arangment since being paid hourly wouldn't be fair. I took a drastic pay cut but didn't really mind at the time. my dad had said he was selling the house this summer so i figured things would work out fine. well 2years later the house was still not sold. My daughters father was working full time and I ended up having to get a second job just so we could make ends meet. I was pregnant with our second child and soon I told my dad i just couldn't do it anymore. I was overwhelmed. and I felt like one of my sisters could help out a bit or at least someone from the family could. My dad basicly told me no. He said mom was staying at my house and if I didn't like it he would just stop paying me. I tried explaning to him that being pregnant I couldn't lift my mom anymore to get her on the toilet or in her chair. he didn't care and wouldn't listen. I didn't know what to do. so she stayed and we worked thru it. My dad came over more often to move my mom and my daughters father helped too. well it's now almost 2006 and nothing has changed. my mom lives here my dad comes over twice a day to have breakfast and dinner with her. My dad says every year that he is going to sell the house. I get less and less money every year. I started out making around 10 and hour i now make less that 5. I was trying to help my parents but now I am just feeling used and screwed over. My dad owes my over 50,000 and I feel like i will never see a penny of it. I had always planned on useing it to pay for college but it looks like that will never happen. My dad now tells my he can't sell the house till june of 2007 when he will be old enough to get social security. I don't see how that makes a difference. I catch him in lies about his financial situation all the time. My mom honestly needs to be in a nurseing home. Even though I try to to do my best to care for her I know sometimes I do it half assed because I am just so sick of it all. No one seems to get how it is and I just feel like a slave.

anyone know what I can do to get my mom in a nurseing home and get my money from my dad? By the way my parents are not poor by any means. my mom has a large trust fund and my dad makes at least 1000 a week.

thanks,
beth

 

[violas]

I don't think you are going to see that money that your dad owes you. Do you have any kind of written contract between you and your dad that can prove that he owes you money? I would move out and leave Mom at dad's house. Good luck

 

[beth_parr]

no we just have a verbal contract but we have a book we keep track of what he owes and what he pays.

i can't move my mom to my dads house. i can't get her in my car. also it would be hard to just move. i can't afford to move and i can't go get another job because my mom requires 24hour care and no one else in the family will do it and my dad won't put her in a nurseing home. I would be charged with neglect if i left her alone to go work.

 

[Orebell]

Take care of your mother?

Blah, blah, blah. If you really had to get your mother to your dads house, you could have her transported by medical personal.

Look, I don't really see this as a legal issue personally. I see it as an ethical issue. You are taking care of your mother. That is ususally something someone does and does not get paid. Consider yourself lucky that you got something money wise.

I would sit down with your dad and have a heart to heart regarding finances. It might not do much good but ya never know. If that does not work out, you might want to try some public assistance. There may be programs out there that can help you.

Best of luck to you. It certainly is not easy.

no we just have a verbal contract but we have a book we keep track of what he owes and what he pays.

i can't move my mom to my dads house. i can't get her in my car. also it would be hard to just move. i can't afford to move and i can't go get another job because my mom requires 24hour care and no one else in the family will do it and my dad won't put her in a nurseing home. I would be charged with neglect if i left her alone to go work.

 

[beth_parr]

and how do i transport her by medical personel when i don't have her insurance info? they are going to want some way to get paid.

Also how many other 25yr olds do you know who care full time for there parent? I have been doing this for going on 6years. I should be in college but i put my life on hold to help my parents. I can understand doing this in my 40's without compensation. because by then i would be financially stable. But come on i'm 25 what am i supposed to do never have a life of my own and just care for my mom the rest of her life which by the way things are going, is going to be a very long time.

I can't get any type of public help for her because she has too much money and too many assets. also she is a canadian citizen not an american.

i appreciate you taking the time to respond but i did feel as if you were telling me i was being ungratefull and just whining. and maybe i am whining a bit, but for christ sake i'm tired of this and i feel trapped. I never thought that i would be doing this for 6years. i thought my mom would get better were she could do something or eventually my dad would retire and take care of her himself. I feel like i have been used and that it has all been unappreciated. I have tried talking to my dad but he just walks away he won't talk and the only thing he tells me is i need to be more careful with my money. Hello how can you be carefull with 200 a week with kids and bills. I can't even afford to rent movies, we go to the dollar show. we don't buy new clothes, infact we don't buy anything new. I think the only unnessary thing we spend money on is basic (not digital) cable and the internet.
I understand i made the choice to care for my mom but i was like 19 going on 20 at the time. I was trying to do the right thing and didn't think things thru. I guess I should be like my older sister and just ignore my mom and visit a few times a year.

thanks,
beth

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Go see an attorney tomorrow about a suit for breach of contract.

Call the Department of Social Services-Adult Protective Services or call the Dial Help Senior Helpline at 1-800-562-7622 or 482-4357 and ask about opening an elder abuse case against dear old dad.

Then when you speak with your attorney, find out what is happening to mom's trust fund disbursments.

 

[Orebell]

You can go see an attorney

Well, you could go to an attorney and get some advice. It certainly is going to cause a lot more stress.

I am sorry you are feeling frustrated with having to care for your mother. 25 or 40 it is a big task. You should be getting some outside help though. Maybe someone else could contact you dad and speak to him.

and how do i transport her by medical personel when i don't have her insurance info? they are going to want some way to get paid.

Also how many other 25yr olds do you know who care full time for there parent? I have been doing this for going on 6years. I should be in college but i put my life on hold to help my parents. I can understand doing this in my 40's without compensation. because by then i would be financially stable. But come on i'm 25 what am i supposed to do never have a life of my own and just care for my mom the rest of her life which by the way things are going, is going to be a very long time.

I can't get any type of public help for her because she has too much money and too many assets. also she is a canadian citizen not an american.

i appreciate you taking the time to respond but i did feel as if you were telling me i was being ungratefull and just whining. and maybe i am whining a bit, but for christ sake i'm tired of this and i feel trapped. I never thought that i would be doing this for 6years. i thought my mom would get better were she could do something or eventually my dad would retire and take care of her himself. I feel like i have been used and that it has all been unappreciated. I have tried talking to my dad but he just walks away he won't talk and the only thing he tells me is i need to be more careful with my money. Hello how can you be carefull with 200 a week with kids and bills. I can't even afford to rent movies, we go to the dollar show. we don't buy new clothes, infact we don't buy anything new. I think the only unnessary thing we spend money on is basic (not digital) cable and the internet.
I understand i made the choice to care for my mom but i was like 19 going on 20 at the time. I was trying to do the right thing and didn't think things thru. I guess I should be like my older sister and just ignore my mom and visit a few times a year.

thanks,
beth

 

[beth_parr]

do you want to do it LOL

 

[Orebell]

If I knew him or you I would

If I knew your dad or you I would. I am not saying it would do much good because I might say some things to him that would not be very nice.

Seriously, you should seek some outside help. Someone suggested an attorney. That might be one way to go but that might complicate things quite a bit. Certainly it is an option and you should consider it. How about other family members. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and/or siblings? How about some public assistance from county/city government. You need to do something.

You are doing a great thing by taking care of your mother. It certainly is a big burden on anyone, regardless of age. Dad is clearly taking advantage of you, at least based on the story you are telling us here. In order for you to change it, I think you are going to have to do something bold. Going to an attorney to consult about this certainly is an option to at least see if you have a case. Hiring an attorney to change this situation certainly would be bold. I certainly can think of other things you could do that would be bold, but each one has their ups and downs that are unforseen. The bottom line is unless you do something bold, this situation is not going to change. You really should talk to others, be it family or other public assistance help on ideas what you can do.

This is just one or two ideas that I would consider quite bold. Contact a medical transport company. Tell them you need to transport your mom from your house to your dad's house. Have them take your mom over to your dad's and I would not tell him. What a shock that would be when he opens the door and sees his wife there. That would be a bold thing to do. Of course there are unforeseen circumstances that could come with it. Put the ball back in his court so to speak. If you did not want to use medical transport, get someone to help you move her. You would need to have access to your dad's house and probably have to get her in there when he was not home. Imagine the shock on his face when he gets home and you tell him it is his turn to take care of her. Again, there are unforeseen circumstances, but certainly a bold thing to do. The question is how would you feel about yourself. Would you feel guilty?

The other thing is what do you want to change. Do you want to not care for your mother at all anymore? Do you want the money that dad owes you? Do you want both? Do you want something else to happen? I think you need to think through what you want first. Then before you do anything make sure you get some outside help and advice, be it professional or otherwise.

Keep us posted here on what happens.

do you want to do it LOL

 

[beth_parr]

what i want is for my mom to continue living with me, because she wants too,(she is totally with it mentally and can answer yes and no questions by nodding and also with facial expressions and such we know what she needs and wants) But I want a nurse to come in 6-8 hours a day so I can go to school and have some free time. And yes I want the money he owes me, so i can pay for school and get a new car. I don't mind caring for my mom and I would feel guilty if she was in a home or back at my dads, but I do need to be able to get on with my life too. It would be nice to be able to go out to dinner with our kids and catch a movie and not have to worry about time restrictions. Or to go away for a weekend and take the kids to a ammusment park or something fun.

 

[ellencee]

what i want is for my mom to continue living with me, because she wants too,(she is totally with it mentally and can answer yes and no questions by nodding and also with facial expressions and such we know what she needs and wants) But I want a nurse to come in 6-8 hours a day so I can go to school and have some free time. And yes I want the money he owes me, so i can pay for school and get a new car. I don't mind caring for my mom and I would feel guilty if she was in a home or back at my dads, but I do need to be able to get on with my life too. It would be nice to be able to go out to dinner with our kids and catch a movie and not have to worry about time restrictions. Or to go away for a weekend and take the kids to a ammusment park or something fun.

First, I want to heap praise upon you for caring for your mother. Even on the days that you think you provided half-assed care, you provided care above the level she would receive in a longterm care facility. You have instilled in your children that family takes care of family. When this is over, you will not regret one minute of having taken care of your mother.
You should contact your mother's physician and ask about home care services. You can contact home care providers in your area and learn what is available for your mother and use that information to 'lead' her physician in ordering appropriate care. You should be able to get respite care for one day a month--sorry, unless its private pay, you aren't going to get daily help to relieve you for more than an hour or so.
Belize Breeze has given you the legal advice that you so desperately need. Within his advice is the respite that you seek. Get an attorney and get mom's trust fund made available to do what it is supposed to do and that is to provide for your mother!
Either take BB's advice or don't; but, his answer is the only real solution to your problem.
EC

 

[beth_parr]

thanks for all the advice. I plan on looking into things after the holidays. right now things are just to hectic. hopefully something good will come of this.
thank you,
beth

 

[candg918]

I've been in your position recently - but with no young children at home. It is very difficult even with very cooperative help from family.

Check out elderly day care services in your area. It will take approval from your mother's doctor. Some even offer transportation to and from the site which would be a great help if she is wheelchair bound. Your mother's doctor should also be made aware of the situation; your mother may need more professional care than you are able to provided. I have had generally bad results with in home aids through an agency. We kept getting new people, and I'd spend an hour each time giving instructions. I had a private sitter which worked out much better except when she could not come I had no one.

One organization to check with is the Visiting Nurse Association. They do have some income restrictions but have a good reputation here. Your area may have a Council on Aging or Senior Services referral agency. Many are United Way agencies so you might check their list of affiliated organizations.

Talk with your doctor as well. Your very young children need you more than your mother; your mother would probably do very well in a long term care facility. My mother did better in one than she did here at my home because there were more people to help when she needed it and the nurses on site 24 hours a day. They could arrange for tests and meds far more easily than I could.

Best of luck!

 

[violas]

I have been taking care of my mother for 3 plus years. The thing that has saved me is adult day care. It's wonderful. They come and pick Mom up at 9am and then bring her back at 2:30pm 3 days a week. It's a lifesaver. They have nice activities for Mom at the center and then I get 5 hours of having "my own life." It's great. Good luck to you.

 

[beth_parr]

I have a question about the dayvare centers,My mom is paralyzed on one side, only says one word, and takes meds in the afternoon as well as needs her blood sugar tested. She has to be transfered from her wheelchair to anything else. And she only has half of her bladder control. But she always was a very social person i think being around other people in wheelchairs would be good for her. Do daycare centers accept people in her condition?