don't know what to do

[hopefully]

What is the name of your state? Georgia
I adopted 2 little girls the 1st was younger than the 2nd they are blood sisters that had never lived w/ each other except only for 4 months of the youngest life so they really didnot know each other I feel as though I was pressured to adopt the 2nd child cause at 1st I was told that it was my decision if I wanted to adoption this child, then i was told they were a sibling group after the 1st child and my family had bonded and I was also told that the 2nd child was a nice normal 2 yrs old, that was a untruth. i was told that this child would stable out and she has not, I am begin to fear for my other children safety and this is not fair to them. I also put on my application for adoption that I could not handle a child who like to hurt themselves she does this also they say they did not know this another untruth. She had been taken to a psycholical before but I only got this information in the life study book on the day of finalization. So my qquestion is can I disrupt without having to give my other child back, since they say this is a sibling adoption.

 

[hopefully]

What is the name of your state? Georgia
I adopted 2 little girls the 1st was younger than the 2nd they are blood sisters that had never lived w/ each other except only for 4 months of the youngest life so they really didnot know each other I feel as though I was pressured to adopt the 2nd child cause at 1st I was told that it was my decision if I wanted to adoption this child, then i was told they were a sibling group after the 1st child and my family had bonded and I was also told that the 2nd child was a nice normal 2 yrs old, that was a untruth. i was told that this child would stable out and she has not, I am begin to fear for my other children safety and this is not fair to them. I also put on my application for adoption that I could not handle a child who like to hurt themselves she does this also they say they did not know this another untruth. She had been taken to a psycholical before but I only got this information in the life study book on the day of finalization. So my qquestion is can I disrupt without having to give my other child back, since they say this is a sibling adoption.

i hope you can help me and mine it has been 3 yrs. now

 

[nextwife]

And how much therapy,psychiatric, and psychological treatment have you provided her subsequent to the adoption? We who adopt kids toddler age and above need to realize that their true histories cannot really be known, and need to provide early and regular intervention to work through their attachment and seperation issues.

 

[bononos]

What is the name of your state? Georgia
I adopted 2 little girls the 1st was younger than the 2nd they are blood sisters that had never lived w/ each other except only for 4 months of the youngest life so they really didnot know each other I feel as though I was pressured to adopt the 2nd child cause at 1st I was told that it was my decision if I wanted to adoption this child, then i was told they were a sibling group after the 1st child and my family had bonded and I was also told that the 2nd child was a nice normal 2 yrs old, that was a untruth. i was told that this child would stable out and she has not, I am begin to fear for my other children safety and this is not fair to them. I also put on my application for adoption that I could not handle a child who like to hurt themselves she does this also they say they did not know this another untruth. She had been taken to a psycholical before but I only got this information in the life study book on the day of finalization. So my qquestion is can I disrupt without having to give my other child back, since they say this is a sibling adoption.

So, I guess you think parents who "give birth" to their children get to ask God, or whom ever they may, if the child has physical, emotional, mental, developmental problems ahead of time?
And, give them back if they end up that way?
Get this child some help and learn to be a "real" parent.
Typically I am an advocate for adoptive parents being "real" parents, since I am an adopted person with wonderful parents, but in your case, I'm not so sure.

 

[nextwife]

So, I guess you think parents who "give birth" to their children get to ask God, or whom ever they may, if the child has physical, emotional, mental, developmental problems ahead of time?
And, give them back if they end up that way?
Get this child some help and learn to be a "real" parent.
Typically I am an advocate for adoptive parents being "real" parents, since I am an adopted person with wonderful parents, but in your case, I'm not so sure.

The sad reality, Bononos, is that often kids adopted from orphanages and foster care were subjected to emotional damage and sometimes, phyiscal prenatal abuse (such as fetal alchohol and drug exposure) that would never occur had we been controlling our child's environment from conceprion, as a bioparent does. WE can CHOOSE to beef up our consumption of folic acid prepregnancy and in the early months to reduce certain birth defects, we can choose to not expose our developing fetus to substances that may damage them developmentally. We can encourage and support them through infancy and get them medical care and early intervention as needed.

The problem we see with our present foster system is that they allow kids to languish far too long in situations that may CAUSE attachment disorders and developmental delays, or they allow bioparents too many attempts at "reunification" at the expense of the child , then EVENTUALLY disrupt that environment and FAIL TO DISCLOSE known issues to potential adoptive parents that were actually CREATED by the "system" in the first place.

 

[bononos]

I definately see your point and agree whole-heartedly.
I have a BIG BUT though!
But, when a person does CHOOSE to take on the responsibilty of adopting and caring for a child who has been in foster care and possibly been either inutero or through their previous upbringing, been exposed to the environment and effects you present, the adopting parent is well aware of this risk and is basically accepting it.
What the OP is doing is unfair to the child and going to cause more emotional harm.
The OP shoud have been more than aware of this risk and the responsibilities before deciding to adopt any child.

 

[nextwife]

It is SOOO sad how totally naive some future adoptive parents are, and how many agencies deliberately mislead them that "love and attention will overcome..." I DO believe that in situations in which a child who may be known to be a potential danger to other children already in the home (as in children who were sexually abused and are acting out sexually or who experienced other physical abuses) it borders on CRIMINAL negligence to fail to properly inform and disclose. No foster adoptions should be allowed to poorly informed adoptive parents - classes or instruction about developmental delays, and attachment disorders (that arrise in proportionately far greater rates in such populations) should be mandatory.

 

[brisgirl825]

I definately see your point and agree whole-heartedly.
I have a BIG BUT though!
But, when a person does CHOOSE to take on the responsibilty of adopting and caring for a child who has been in foster care and possibly been either inutero or through their previous upbringing, been exposed to the environment and effects you present, the adopting parent is well aware of this risk and is basically accepting it.
What the OP is doing is unfair to the child and going to cause more emotional harm.
The OP shoud have been more than aware of this risk and the responsibilities before deciding to adopt any child.

I agree very much with both of you ladies here. We all have choices. We have choices as to how raise our bio kids, both prenatal and postnatal, and choices as to whether or not we can handle the adoption of a child.
I have thought about being a foster parent many times thinking that I can help innocent children. However, I know that I am going to be allowing children with a lot of needs to be in my home with my other children. Knowing that risk, my husband and I have decided to hold off attempting to do that until our children are much older or on their own all together.


OP, you are the legal parent now. You need to get some help for the children asap. That's best advice I can give you. GL.

 

[hopefully]

And how much therapy,psychiatric, and psychological treatment have you provided her subsequent to the adoption? We who adopt kids toddler age and above need to realize that their true histories cannot really be known, and need to provide early and regular intervention to work through their attachment and seperation issues.

I have taken her to the psychiatric every since I fought to make them understand that I knew that there was a problem and that I wanted her to have someone that she could talk to and try to help her and myself to fiqure out what the problem was she has ODD and we have been working hard to help her, this is by no way a easy decision and I haven't made a decision I just want to know what are the opinion are. as with a birth chiild you would want what is best for your child the same applies here I only want what is best for her, but I also have to look out for my other kids. And yes we are still driving 96miles one way to get her the best help that I can find 3x a week. And she had been in care every since she was 9months old so they knew about her problem,they had her until she was 2 then and by the record she was alread having these same problems but no one informed me of this even when I ask.

 

[hopefully]

I definately see your point and agree whole-heartedly.
I have a BIG BUT though!
But, when a person does CHOOSE to take on the responsibilty of adopting and caring for a child who has been in foster care and possibly been either inutero or through their previous upbringing, been exposed to the environment and effects you present, the adopting parent is well aware of this risk and is basically accepting it.
What the OP is doing is unfair to the child and going to cause more emotional harm.
The OP shoud have been more than aware of this risk and the responsibilities before deciding to adopt any child.

Have you ever hear of the Honeymoon stage well that is what we went there for about 2 weeks and then the child will revert back to nature (them true self). Well I was told that this was her true self in the begining and later when I kept pushing the issue I was finally told the truth , so if u had read u would see that no I didnot know the true situation and if I had I would have maybe made an different decision that would have effected us for the better I feel as though she would have been better off in a home with no other kids because she doesn't real like other kids and only wants me for her self and I have to be there for my other kids as well and this causes a problem for her, so do u think that I should be unfair to my other kids and just give her all of me and they have none that isn't fair to them so this is a no win situation and it is hurting us all.

 

[hopefully]

So, I guess you think parents who "give birth" to their children get to ask God, or whom ever they may, if the child has physical, emotional, mental, developmental problems ahead of time?
And, give them back if they end up that way?
Get this child some help and learn to be a "real" parent.
Typically I am an advocate for adoptive parents being "real" parents, since I am an adopted person with wonderful parents, but in your case, I'm not so sure.

I am a real parent and I have and still am gettting her some help. and no I don't think that kids should just be given back if it does not work out, but if I hadn't been trying every thing that I know how then I would have given her back within s few months, but I kept hoping that love and excepting her for her would win out and am still hoping for this, but even with b- kids you have to look for what is best for your child and maybe that isn't me and maybe she would ne happier with someone else I don't know and you don't, but I do know that it take a bigger person to admit that they are wrong and to look for a better answer for the child than it does to hold on to someone who doesnot want to be there. AAnd I am sorry u feel that way and am glad that your case worker made the best choice for you I only want what is best for my 3 kids because if she stays or goes, she will always be my child and I will still miss andlove her, Don't think this is easy because it is not, walk in my shoes for a min. and you will see that it is not.

 

[Urbansound]

Hang in there

Hopefully,

Don't lose heart. I have seen some of the most seriouse of inter-family crisis that has happened with similar situations. The adjustment period can take a long time, but this child is young and has a chance to fight for herself.

Understand that even the Psych efforts are a strain on a child, but necessary all the same. Keep a close and careful eye on things at all times and help the siblings and others to help there too. It is a significant adjustment for all.

I have seen things so unbelievable that they defy human tolerance and then at a point for some kids, they just pull right out of it and begin to fly. Sometimes not, but don't give up unless you absolutely find that all parties are in loving agreement as a last resort, for the child's sake. You will give a little more of yourself, because she's calling out for love that she has need of in her struggle and help those around you to help there as well.

90 miles for "Best care" is not usually subject to that distance to find reliable help, but you must work with the professionals and get to know them closer to home and not strain yourself so badly perhaps. Transfer of records shows procedures that were used and can be moved. Best to make that change sooner than later to limit detachment there too, if you move support providers at 2 years of age.

Best wishes to you.

Urban