Don't want to collect from State, but what else to do

[starting over]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?undefinedWhat is the name of your state? Ky

First of all, this is more venting than anything. But, if there is any advice, I would appreciate that as well

My STBX (divorce will be final Tuesday) has been paying CS since 6/04 based on our separation agreement. When we separated, I agreed to $450 every two weeks (this is 26 payments a year totalling 11,700). This was below the State guidelines, but I wasn't trying to hurt him just help provide for the children. He also agreed to help with clothing & shoes for school, which he has pretty much done. He has paid on time, within a week, since the separation. Over the last couple of months, he has missed payments, then doubles up on the next check. I figured he was having problems, I called but didn't make it a "huge" issue. Just reminded him that if something comes up, show me the respect to call & let me know......

He was supposed to send a payment 2 weeks ago, I didn't receive it. He will be due for another payment on Friday, so I called him. He said that since he receives 3 pays this month, I only get 900 a month, which is not how it reads in the agreement (the lesser payment was to offset the 26 pays, but still saved him money) so he's not sending the additional payment based on our agreement.

Our divorce decree will state that he is to pay 1043.86 a month which will really bite him in the backside, this was the State guideline, but I was willing to accept our original agreement which my attorney told me was within my power to do. I know my choice is to just have it garnished, but that's not the avenue I wanted to take. However, it appears that he is getting into a nasty habit of not putting his children first and that really makes me angry. I know that most of his problems are due to his girlfriend (moved in with her & her 5 kids 2 weeks after we left) & he is contributing to their household. They are getting married, that is fine.....but, in my opinion our children are primary and I won't accept anything less.

I don't expect him to send a double payment tomorrow, but I think its only right that he starts making payments toward his recently created "arrearage" I could manage without the money, but to me its more the principal. I reminded him that school will start 8/1 & both children will need school clothes.

They are due to fly to visit their Dad on Tuesday & I don't want to create a financial hardship where he can't enjoy to visit with them due to "having to send Mom money" What should I do? I did leave him a message today to ask him his intent, so I would know how to proceed. I know once I get the State involved, there is no going back. I wanted to try to keep this a amicable as possible, but I don't know what else to do.

 

[Zephyr]

there is absolutely nothing mean about having the state regulate and oversee the payment of child support, it protects both parties that way. you should have it go through the child support agency

 

[starting over]

there is absolutely nothing mean about having the state regulate and oversee the payment of child support, it protects both parties that way. you should have it go through the child support agency

Thank you for your reply, I hadn't done it before because I still want to trust him to do what he knows is right. He is a good man & I hoped that he didn't need someone to remind him of what his responsibilities are. I know you're right, that's definately something that I'll check into.

 

[carol1206]

Advice from someone who has been there. Going through the Child Support Enforcement doesn't guarantee you'll get support in a timely manner. All they can do for you is calculate an amount that "should" be paid to you weekly/monthly. Good Luck!

 

[MtnMoon]

Well, here's my 2 cents. From the get go... CSE handled payments from my ex. That was a load off me. I simply told my ex, "I really don't ever want to argue about child support...arrears...or anything like that. So, CSE is going to handle things." How did it work out? My ex and I had our ups and downs...but eventually worked things out so that we had a good parenting team going. I'm glad CSE handled things. Whenever my ex was late in paying, I didn't have to get on the phone asking him what was up. It was less stressful for me.

Our child is going off to college now. Child support is coming to an end. At first, I worried about whether or not my ex would stick with the agreement to help pay for college expenses... There is nothing in our court order regarding college. As it turns out, he is more than excited in the prospect of helping pay for college! We've already made plans for taking our child to the dorm on "move-in day" together...and we're both paying our share for tuition, books, etc.

I would encourage you to continue good communication with your ex. It's not a bad idea to have CSE handle payments. One less thing for you to have to bug your ex about...and possibly less stress for you. It was for me.

Hope some of this helps!

 

[LdiJ]

Hold on...contrary to some "cheerleading" for going through the state, they are not perfect. First of all, if your ex is not paying according to the agreement currently in place, then he is in contempt.

You speak highly of your ex, so why don't you simply send him a letter "reminding him" of the agreement & include details (the amount he's supposed to pay, etc). Also in that letter, mention how he's been late paying and how it doesn't benefit the children AND if this "pattern" continues, you will have no other choice than to file contempt charges and recommend automatic deduction.

THAT should "remind" him to pay on time.

When someone's budget is tight...or they are experiencing cash flow problems, the tendency always is to pay whatever bills are least pressing...last. I suspect that is what is happening here. Therefore there is an advantage to going through the CSE. Plus, it also creates a paper trail, which protects everyone...including the ncp.

 

[kayceebee]

From a personal standpoint, three years ago during our initial agreement, we agreed to have payments made directly to me from NCP. Over the 3 years, it has not been a huge problem, but not smooth sailing either. With my ex, he constantly wants deductions. “I’ll see the kids on Wednesdays (as the agreement stats as his visitation time) if you’ll deduct $25 a week…” that type of stuff – I hear all the time. Lately, he’s falling behind. He’s 2 full weeks and half of another week behind. I am going tomorrow to the Child Support office to change the agreement to have him pay through the state. I have enough to worry about with raising my two wonderful boys. I do not want to continue to maintain a calendar and keep up with him. They can do it and when he falls 30 days behind, the can garnish his wages. I realize I will only get my money when they receive it from him – that’s cool. I think it will make it more of a priority for him to pay now rather that putting it off. I’m sure I’ll get an ear full when he gets the paper work from the state.

Good luck!

 

[carol1206]

Hold on...contrary to some "cheerleading" for going through the state, they are not perfect. First of all, if your ex is not paying according to the agreement currently in place, then he is in contempt.

What if the ex is paying according to the agreement, but his employer is not remitting to the state as per that agreement. What recourse do you have then? Also, what happens when the state screws up and posts the money to someone elses account???

 

[kayceebee]

If that was directed to me:

I am not asking for wage deduction. I'm not complaining about him being behind (he's only 2.5 weeks - $508 behind).

I am wanting to take the control out of my hands. He does not use his visitation rights to see the boys on Wednesday nights. My 7 year old asked him why he quit seeing them on Wed. I get a call from my ex saying, "I'll start seeing them on Wed. again if you'll deduct $25 a week from my C.S." That's just 1 example. It's all about money with him. I NEVER ask him for an extra penny for extra curricular activities. They add up - escpecially karate - over $1200 a year). That is my choice to let my son participate and I accept that. I have never asked him to pitch in on ANYTHING.

I do not feel I have to pay him to see the boys. He should want it more than anything in life. He has other priorities and they are not at the top. I just tell my boys that Dad has a difficult work schedule and leave it at that.

I'm sure the state isn't perfect. I'm not trying to garnish his wages either. He'll write a check to them and after they process the info, they'll deposit it into my account if I'm lucky - or I'll work out the mess if they post it incorrectly.

I just want to put an end to the requests for deductions for things a father should do anyway.

 

[carol1206]

nj

You should go through CSE and let them take control. In the State of New Jersey, once you go through the court, wages are automatically garnished (I'm sure that says something about how many non-paying NCPs there are in NJ).

You're lucky at least you ex wants visitation. I have been separated for 20 months and I can count on one hand how many times he has seen my 3 boys. Nothing for Christmas, birthdays, graduation, etc. So not only has he hurt them by not supporting them financially, there is no emotional support either.

So my advice to you is to file the paperwork. This will end the bickering about any amount of money.

 

[legalcuriosity]

What if the ex is paying according to the agreement, but his employer is not remitting to the state as per that agreement. What recourse do you have then? Also, what happens when the state screws up and posts the money to someone elses account???

These are all mistakes that are not the ex's fault. The employer is responsible and the employer can face some serious penalties for failing to comply. If that is the case, then you should have it investigated.

If the State screws up, they should fix it ASAP! There is no excuse for it and stay on their butts until they do so.

 

[legalcuriosity]

I am wanting to take the control out of my hands. He does not use his visitation rights to see the boys on Wednesday nights. My 7 year old asked him why he quit seeing them on Wed. I get a call from my ex saying, "I'll start seeing them on Wed. again if you'll deduct $25 a week from my C.S." That's just 1 example. It's all about money with him.

Well that's just BS and pathetic to negotiate as if each day has a monetary value attached to it. If the dad has a significant history of not exercising his right to visit on Wednesdays, per the order, the maybe you should consider filing a modification to have that day removed. You do have that right to modify is the current visitation isn't being exercized as it should. It's not fair to you to keep that day open when he doesn't show up or cancels and it's definitely not fair to the child when s/he is expecting dad on 'their day' and he doesn't show.

 

[LdiJ]

Well that's just BS and pathetic to negotiate as if each day has a monetary value attached to it. If the dad has a significant history of not exercising his right to visit on Wednesdays, per the order, the maybe you should consider filing a modification to have that day removed. You do have that right to modify is the current visitation isn't being exercized as it should. It's not fair to you to keep that day open when he doesn't show up or cancels and it's definitely not fair to the child when s/he is expecting dad on 'their day' and he doesn't show.

LC...please realize that in some states the amount of visitation exercised by the ncp has a direct impact on child support. In some (in fact in many) states these days signficant credits off child support are given for parenting time. Therefore someone who has parenting time on paper...and doesn't take that time could actually be paying significantly less in child support than they would be ordered to pay otherwise.

Think about a more extreme case....think about a parent who has 50/50 time on paper....and little to no child support as a result....but chooses not to take the children at all.

In my state ONE overnight a week can have a significant effect on a child support calculation. Its the same in many other states. So keep that in mind.

 

[TNBSMommy]

These are all mistakes that are not the ex's fault. The employer is responsible and the employer can face some serious penalties for failing to comply. If that is the case, then you should have it investigated.

If the State screws up, they should fix it ASAP! There is no excuse for it and stay on their butts until they do so.

While I understand every state is different, I actually had that problem with my ex's employer(one of the many) I asked CSE about it, b/c the payments werent being sent in and was told that my ex is ultimately the one responsible for making sure the employer sends in the checks~It is, after all, better for him that they send it in~... In fact when he was put in jail for contempt charges a short time later, it came to light the previous employer had not sent in 600$, and his wife had to go to the place and demand they send the money in or find themselves in court... I had the check in my hand within a week.

 

[legalcuriosity]

LC...please realize that in some states the amount of visitation exercised by the ncp has a direct impact on child support. In some (in fact in many) states these days signficant credits off child support are given for parenting time. Therefore someone who has parenting time on paper...and doesn't take that time could actually be paying significantly less in child support than they would be ordered to pay otherwise.

Think about a more extreme case....think about a parent who has 50/50 time on paper....and little to no child support as a result....but chooses not to take the children at all.

In my state ONE overnight a week can have a significant effect on a child support calculation. Its the same in many other states. So keep that in mind.

I realize all of that, but reading the comments I was responding to, it sounded as if they were working on it on their own -- and not going through CSEA, etc. -- and Shared Parenting and the such wasn't involved.