Emotional Abuse for YEARS!

[sreverhart]

My marriage has been continuously falling apart since day one. I am at a loss as to who to turn to and what my options are to get out of this emotionally abusive situation. I met my husband when I was just 18, and from the first night I spent at his house, I lived with him. Not under my own wishes, but to keep him from becoming suspicious of me due to his extreme paranoia and anxiety. I did lie to him a few times and say I was somewhere when I was somewhere else entirely, this almost always happened after we’d have a big blow out fight which included him accusing me of cheating, lying, or using him. I never was unfaithful, I always came back, I always apologized and made an effort to better myself through therapy. When I turned 19 I moved in with him into an apartment. He had a dog that he had purchased with a pervious girlfriend that was a year old and not house trained and kept a 1foot by 2 foot kennel that was foul and absolutely disgusting. I took over care of his dog immediately. We got a cat together when I moved in, and I became the sole person in charge of everything from animal care to laundry, cooking, dishes, etc. We fought daily about him thinking I was cheating on him, I would get angry and yell, and every time I would threaten to leave, he would promise me that he would stop accusing me of these things and treat me better. I found out that at the time he was still in contact with his ex-wife and other women he had been interested in/previously dated. After one such huge fight, I left the apartment and went to my parents’ home. After arriving there, he drove past to check and make sure I was still there. I was furious, and left and went to hang out with a friend who was a male. My husband tracked me and told me never to come back to the apartment and that I couldn’t come get my stuff. This wasn’t the first time we had incidents like this, he would track me or follow me and I’d do all I could to evade his paranoia or do things I hoped would end the relationship. I was still never unfaithful. I had slept with only one other guy since meeting my now husband and when I slept with him, we were not together. I begged him for forgiveness and he made me promise that I would marry him and prove to him that I was faithful. We got married in May, and found out I was pregnant early June. Things were okay for a few months, we had our usual fights daily about faithfulness and me not doing enough financially for the family, but eventually decided to move to his familys home town in North Carolina. It was more affordable to live there and he promised me he would no longer be afraid of me cheating if all the people he was worried about were 2000 miles away. When we moved I got a job and all of my money while working pregnant went to groceries. He still claimed it wasn’t enough and I needed to do more for the family. We fought daily still, he constantly was accusing me of being sketchy and a liar. I never stopped being faithful and a homemaker. Every single household chore was my responsibility and I did the best to have a wonderful home for our family. I rescued a puppy and within 12 hours of her being home, my husband threw her against the wall into the kennel because she had eaten some spaghetti that he put right in front of her. Beating the dogs for their misbehavior became a constant issue. The puppy is now permanently anxious despite my extensive training. When I had my daughter, the accusations became even worse. He claimed she wasn’t his kid, that I had to have cheated with someone else. He was never there for me while I struggled with postpartum depression. He minimalized my depression to the point where I felt entirely worthless, like my life meant nothing. I was just an incubator for his daughter and he had no need for me after she was born. We were fighting so often that I would occasionally throw things at the walls out of anger, which I now know was from PPD but he would prevent me from leaving him threatening to show the cops a video of me throwing something towards him saying he would take my daughter and I would never see her again. I decided to pursue a career in law enforcement, and signed up for the BLET program locally. He constantly tried to undermine my career choices, telling me he would see me on the 6oclock news with a bullet in my head and that I was entirely incapable of being a police officer. One afternoon I was awake while he slept and happened to see a notification on his phone for the Kik app. I opened the app and read hundreds of messages of him engaging in sexual conversations with all kinds of women including a sugar baby group where men paid girls for naked pictures. He also was engaged in nightly conversations with a woman he had met at a bar, when he had previously told me he never met anyone there and she told me she had no idea who he was. I left for the night, stayed with family, and over the next week he attempted to try to make up for his behavior. We began seeing a therapist weekly and things went up slightly for a while. Since starting the police academy, things have become so much worse. Turning off my phone service and tracking my phone has become a daily occurrence. Demanding sexual favors and forcing himself on me when I’m sick or exhausted from my training has become a nightly issue. Our friction has gotten to the point where I have zero desire to be married to him and absolutely no desire for my daughter to grow up in this horrible environment.
I need to know what my options are, I am 20 days from my BLET graduation, no income, he gives me no money for gas or food unless I’m absolutely running on zero and starving. I am struggling with applying with agencies and studying when our fights have taken up so much of my life. I am class president of the 19 member BLET class, and have thrown myself into this career wholeheartedly.
What can I do to get myself out of the situation? Do I wait to pursue legal action until I am hired and on my feet financially? Or will that impact my career? I am stuck and terrified of my beautiful daughter thinking this is the way people treat eachother?

 

[sreverhart]

Thursday September 26th 2019 à continuous accusations of unfaithfulness, threatening to “keep an eye on you” and show up at school every hour to see what I’m doing on breaks. Went to Chili’s for dinner, zero communication until I picked up my phone and then he accused me of being sketchy and he took my phone from me for the rest of dinner. Upon paying for dinner, I asked for a box. While I was putting my food in the box he was throwing chips into my box and told me he was going to pour salsa on my food or into my drink. Walking out to the car he was trying to trip me and when we got in the car he locked the doors and refused to start the car demanding a blow job and refusing to leave unless I gave him one. Eventually he drove towards home and then passed the street and refused to tell me where we were going. Made some random turns before stopping at the BP gas station. He asked me if I wanted anything I asked for an energy drink for school, he went into the store and of course didn’t get me a drink. Upon returning home the argument about my loyalty continued through the night. When I attempted to go to bed, he would let me almost fall asleep before continuing the argument. He continued his arguments, eventually demanding sex. I refused over and over and over. He had sex with me anyway. I got in the shower and he accused me of cleaning myself so that I would be clean for someone else tomorrow at school. I went to the couch to sleep he came out and sat in the recliner and turned up the football game as loud as he could. I didn’t get to sleep until after midnight and had to be awake at 5:45am.
Friday September 27th 2019 à showed up at school at lunch time, we went to the social security office to get me a new card, the entire drive he was mean and rude, yelling at me to stop looking at my phone. Flew into the parking lot at SCHOOL and later learned he scared one of the students Palmer. I got out of the car and he drove home and turned off the service to my phone. Night was mostly peaceful. He demanded sex again and I refused again and he was respectful of that request.
Phone was turned off over the weekend as well, either Saturday or Sunday. He refuses to give me administrator privileges over the Verizon account so I can keep that from happening. Turning my phone off is a constant threat held over my head whenever he begins to think I’m being unfaithful (once a month at least).
10/3/2019 Phone was turned off again while at driver training.
10/5/2019 Driving back from Lexington he started smoking after I asked him not to smoke in my car with Amelia in the backseat. He refused, yelling that I could pull over and wait for him to smoke or he was going to smoke in the car “like it or not.”
10/8/2019 Told him I deposited the check for getting my car damage fixed. He told me he knows how I am with money and that I need to take out all the money from my bank and put it in an envelope so he can make sure I can’t spend any of it. Then said that if I don’t call a shop by lunch time that he won’t help me with gas at all. I’ve never had money to spend much less wasted money that was needed for something else, I explained all this to him and he insisted that he knows me well enough to know that I won’t be able to handle money. Wouldn’t stop messaging me in class even though I told him it’s against school policy.
Night 10/8/2019 Phone disabled after school so I sent him a message in case he turned it back on alerting him that I was going to Thomasville PD to turn in paperwork and then to goodwill to get interview clothes. Got home around 7 and no one was there. I decided to take a bath, suddenly Brad burst in the bathroom with Amelia and set her down next to the tub and started cussing at me about how selfish I am. Called me a “stupid bitch” and “selfish asshole” over and over. I started to undress amelia to let her take a bath with me, he grabbed her out of my arms she screamed and he practically ran out the door. 5 minutes later he brought her in crying and gave her back to me. He continued to yell and cuss at me while I washed Amelia’s hair. The fight continued through the night. He tried to get me to sign a contract to keep my phone service and car insurance intact, demanding money and claimed my parents knew about the agreement and approved. Wouldn’t turn my phone back on so I could call my mom and ask her. He ordered food for himself, said I could “figure it out” food wise. After dinner I put Amelia to bed and got in bed to go to sleep around 10pm. He demanded sex again over and over regardless of what I said he did it anyway.
10/9/2019 Left for school around 7:20, drove to the sheetz on North main to get gas and air in my tire. After waiting for air and choosing to leave without it, I was about to be late for class. Needing to be in the classroom at 7:55 I threw my phone in the locker upon arrival, and ran up to the classroom. Signing the attendance book at 7:53. He started messaging me after the pledge and code of ethics was read (8:15) demanding that I explain where I was and what I was doing claiming he didn’t believe I was in class because my facebook said I was online and usually in the locker my phone doesn’t have service so would normally not say I was online. I eventually blocked him so he couldn’t continue to accuse me and be disrespectful. He showed up at lunch, angry because it took me 5 minutes to walk outside, realize I didn’t have my hat, walk back in and get my hat. He thought I was doing something wrong because he saw my other classmates come outside before me. He called me a moron, a bitch, sketchy, liar, etc. on the drive to Walmart to get me some food for lunch. His car is filthy, full of week old fries, chips, cracker crumbs, baby clothes, cigarette butts, delivery bags and his clothes. I told him I didn’t want to eat in a car that smelled that bad so I got Amelia out of the car seat and took her to my car. He yelled at me that if I took her out of the car he’d drive off and not come back and leave me to “figure it out.” I took her out of his car anyway, and we went to my car and ate. I used baby wipes to clean off her face which was covered in mucus and dirt, and changed her diaper. She’s developing a bad diaper rash from not being changed enough during the day. Her clothes were also really dirty and smelled strongly like rancid smoke. When I buckled her back into his car after lunch and went to kiss him goodbye, he stuck his tongue covered in spit in my mouth and laughed at me. My phone is currently turned off 1:00pm.
Firearms Week 10/14/2019 All week he constantly doubted my schedule threatening to show up at the high point police department range and accusing me of cheating on him because my target was between two male classmates. On Thursday, 10/17/2019 I was asked by female classmates Burgess and Palmer to go to chick fil a for dinner with them. I told brad what the plan was and he lost it, calling me sketchy, accusing me of going to dinner with guys, and I got notifications constantly that he was tracking my phone. He even said he drove past chick fil a just to make sure I wasn’t there with any guys. My phone was also turned off twice this week. On Friday, 10/18/2019, he looked at my phone in the morning and became furious because I had bought some classmates coffee one morning (one or two weeks prior) and they paid me back. I had mentioned to the group I was running to starbucks and asked if anyone wanted any. He refused to give me the EBT card so I could get lunch because we weren’t getting a long lunch break due to the gun and range cleaning process. He turned off my phone before I even left for school, so I left my phone on the coffee table with a note explaining that I don’t know what else to do to get him to trust me. Before lunch he messaged Burgess from my phone and had he contact me and he was super sweet and offered to bring me lunch. While waiting for him to bring me food a male classmate showed me a funny picture of an oreo and I told him to send it to me. Within 2 minutes brad had responded on my phone as well as messaging a female classmate about the photo. That night again he asked for sex and when I refused did it anyway.

 

[sreverhart]

10/30/2019 Class was at a parking deck in high point to practice traffic stops and felony/known risk stops, the class was deciding if they were going to get pizza or do dinner separately, I was keeping brad updated throughout the day as to dinner plans. I have no money and he had said he would buy dinner but the second I started talking about pizza he said I was on my own to find food. He tracked my phone, even making it ring loudly in class using the lost device tool. Spent the evening trying to say I was hiding something again. Got home and he was all over me, wouldn’t let me even get a bite to eat before he was demanding to get laid. I told him over and over I Was too tired too sick and we’d just had sex the day before so I didn’t want to. over and over. He ignored everything I said.
10/31/2019 Woke up and he kept asking me where I was going before school. I told him nowhere just going to school. On the way to school he told me he knew I was hiding stuff so I wasn’t going to be able to eat or participate in Halloween with our daughter. I called him and talked him down and he said I could get subway with his card and participate in Halloween but It was very hard to convince him I wasn’t cheating on him.
11/3/2019 All day he was pushy and rude, looking for a fight from the start. I went to go pick up Millie from my mother in laws and I stopped to get a burger at wendys because I hadn’t eaten and was on lots of medication that required a full stomach. He called me after I waited in line forever and decided not to get food because it was taking too long. He flipped out on me, calling me a sketchy bitch among other names claiming I was not in the drive through lane and was doing something “sketchy.” I ended up crying and he would hang up the phone every time I tried to talk. Later that night I was going through Millie’s old clothes to give a few winter outfits to a classmate who had no money to get winter clothes. I had already ran this past brad and he knew I wanted to give her a couple of light jackets/coats. He demanded to go through my backpack and upon doing so called me selfish and pathetic over and over and demanded I not give her any clothes. He said We were lucky to have his mom’s clothing storage to go through to get millie’s clothes so all of her clothes must go back to there. I tried to explain to him that we have added to her storage with a lot of clothes we bought and that most of the clothing in my backpack for my classmate was stuff I had purchased or my mother had sent for Millie. He picked up my backpack, opened the glass balcony door, and threw my backpack outside. I was holding a bag full of extra clothes to show him how much we really had and when he threw my bag calling me names I smacked him twice with the bag. He ran down the hallway after me and broke the door in screaming at me that I was pathetic and selfish. I went outside, cleaned up my backpack from the ground, and went back inside. He was fixing the door as if nothing happened. I got millie to sleep in her bedroom, went into our bedroom to go to sleep and he wouldn’t let me go to sleep until I had sex with him. I tried over and over to talk to him about how we cannot live in this anger with our child growing up thinking this is okay on a daily basis. He refused to listen.

 

[Just Blue]

It is unlikely that the volunteers here will read your novella...and even if one or two very kind members DID want to read it, you have made that next to impossible with the lack of paragraphs and white spacing.

Please shorten your question/story down to under 200 words. Thanks..

 

[sreverhart]

It is unlikely that the volunteers here will read your novella...and even if one or two very kind members DID want to read it, you have made that next to impossible with the lack of paragraphs and white spacing.

Please shorten your question/story down to under 200 words. Thanks..

I will rewrite it when I can. I have little to no spare time and my phone and laptop at home is subject to his purview so I can't edit from home. Just trying to get it all out in one document and it did have paragraphs and spacing when It was in a word document

 

[CdwJava]

Okay, I did not read all of that - it was too tough. But, the gist of it seems to be that you need to leave this guy. If he has assaulted you or threatened to harm you, report it to the police. If he is controlling, deceptive, and/or manipulative and you don't like it, leave. It is not illegal to be mean.

 

[LdiJ]

My marriage has been continuously falling apart since day one. I am at a loss as to who to turn to and what my options are to get out of this emotionally abusive situation. I met my husband when I was just 18, and from the first night I spent at his house, I lived with him. Not under my own wishes, but to keep him from becoming suspicious of me due to his extreme paranoia and anxiety. I did lie to him a few times and say I was somewhere when I was somewhere else entirely, this almost always happened after we’d have a big blow out fight which included him accusing me of cheating, lying, or using him. I never was unfaithful, I always came back, I always apologized and made an effort to better myself through therapy. When I turned 19 I moved in with him into an apartment. He had a dog that he had purchased with a pervious girlfriend that was a year old and not house trained and kept a 1foot by 2 foot kennel that was foul and absolutely disgusting. I took over care of his dog immediately. We got a cat together when I moved in, and I became the sole person in charge of everything from animal care to laundry, cooking, dishes, etc. We fought daily about him thinking I was cheating on him, I would get angry and yell, and every time I would threaten to leave, he would promise me that he would stop accusing me of these things and treat me better. I found out that at the time he was still in contact with his ex-wife and other women he had been interested in/previously dated. After one such huge fight, I left the apartment and went to my parents’ home. After arriving there, he drove past to check and make sure I was still there. I was furious, and left and went to hang out with a friend who was a male. My husband tracked me and told me never to come back to the apartment and that I couldn’t come get my stuff. This wasn’t the first time we had incidents like this, he would track me or follow me and I’d do all I could to evade his paranoia or do things I hoped would end the relationship. I was still never unfaithful. I had slept with only one other guy since meeting my now husband and when I slept with him, we were not together. I begged him for forgiveness and he made me promise that I would marry him and prove to him that I was faithful. We got married in May, and found out I was pregnant early June. Things were okay for a few months, we had our usual fights daily about faithfulness and me not doing enough financially for the family, but eventually decided to move to his familys home town in North Carolina. It was more affordable to live there and he promised me he would no longer be afraid of me cheating if all the people he was worried about were 2000 miles away. When we moved I got a job and all of my money while working pregnant went to groceries. He still claimed it wasn’t enough and I needed to do more for the family. We fought daily still, he constantly was accusing me of being sketchy and a liar. I never stopped being faithful and a homemaker. Every single household chore was my responsibility and I did the best to have a wonderful home for our family. I rescued a puppy and within 12 hours of her being home, my husband threw her against the wall into the kennel because she had eaten some spaghetti that he put right in front of her. Beating the dogs for their misbehavior became a constant issue. The puppy is now permanently anxious despite my extensive training. When I had my daughter, the accusations became even worse. He claimed she wasn’t his kid, that I had to have cheated with someone else. He was never there for me while I struggled with postpartum depression. He minimalized my depression to the point where I felt entirely worthless, like my life meant nothing. I was just an incubator for his daughter and he had no need for me after she was born. We were fighting so often that I would occasionally throw things at the walls out of anger, which I now know was from PPD but he would prevent me from leaving him threatening to show the cops a video of me throwing something towards him saying he would take my daughter and I would never see her again. I decided to pursue a career in law enforcement, and signed up for the BLET program locally. He constantly tried to undermine my career choices, telling me he would see me on the 6oclock news with a bullet in my head and that I was entirely incapable of being a police officer. One afternoon I was awake while he slept and happened to see a notification on his phone for the Kik app. I opened the app and read hundreds of messages of him engaging in sexual conversations with all kinds of women including a sugar baby group where men paid girls for naked pictures. He also was engaged in nightly conversations with a woman he had met at a bar, when he had previously told me he never met anyone there and she told me she had no idea who he was. I left for the night, stayed with family, and over the next week he attempted to try to make up for his behavior. We began seeing a therapist weekly and things went up slightly for a while. Since starting the police academy, things have become so much worse. Turning off my phone service and tracking my phone has become a daily occurrence. Demanding sexual favors and forcing himself on me when I’m sick or exhausted from my training has become a nightly issue. Our friction has gotten to the point where I have zero desire to be married to him and absolutely no desire for my daughter to grow up in this horrible environment.
I need to know what my options are, I am 20 days from my BLET graduation, no income, he gives me no money for gas or food unless I’m absolutely running on zero and starving. I am struggling with applying with agencies and studying when our fights have taken up so much of my life. I am class president of the 19 member BLET class, and have thrown myself into this career wholeheartedly.
What can I do to get myself out of the situation? Do I wait to pursue legal action until I am hired and on my feet financially? Or will that impact my career? I am stuck and terrified of my beautiful daughter thinking this is the way people treat eachother?

If you can handle it you should wait until you are hired and are financially stable. You should have your paycheck direct deposited into a bank account in just your name to help you amass enough money to get into a place of your own.

 

[Shadowbunny]

What US State are you in?

 

[commentator]

We are not going to fight your battles for you here. There's no legal question involved. No advice can help you change this person or "make him listen." You really deep down know this. I am very sorry for you. Obviously, as you say, you are on lots of medication. You are miserable and you are suffering. He's not happy either, but that's not really your problem. You could get away from this, you know it. You should do what your counselor, if you have ever had one, and all of them, if you've had several have told you to do. I am saying that if you cannot do what is necessary to get you clean and sober and off this addiction to constant abuse for your own sake, you should do it for the sake of your poor abused child and all those poor pets you've dragged through this mud with you. Nothing is healthy here, nothing is beyond your control to get out of. Go to the nearest shelter for abused women. They will recognize your problem and understand your sickness. Leave all your stuff behind. Get out, clear your head, get away.

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

This isn't a document storage site.

If you are married and not happy get a divorce.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Good friggin' L***.

TL;DR

I get that you feel like you've been abused.
I have no idea what state you are in, so there's certainly no state specific advice I can give you.
Perhaps your school has some resources. Ask. Get help.