Equitable distribution questions

[Marie34]

What is the name of your state? VA
I have posted before. Husband has since left. He is happy to keep this arrangement until one of us dies, that we just stay apart and not divide the businesses. He told me not to see lawyer because they would only take the children's inheritance by the time they got finished with it. Our children are grown and live away from home.

I just learned, after going to the courthouse to see what all we own, that in 1999, I thought I was signing a contract to buy some rental property. What I didn't realize is that there was a quitclaim clause stuck in there. No one told me about it and I bet the attorney and my husband had a big laugh when I left.

Also, all of our other rental peoperties have been turned into LLC's with my husband being the owner of the LLC. The properties were supposedly sold to the LLC. I have no concept of what any of this means.

Have I been screwed out of everything? I have an appointment with an attorney, but she cannot see me until the 12th.

My chest has been hurting since I discovered all of this and some answers might help me to feel some better. Please help.

 

[Ohiogal]

The LLCs are marital property -- especially if your husband is sole owner. So you haven't been screwed out of anything. However you have no control and no claim to any of the property if you DO NOT file for divorce.

 

[Marie34]

I am filing for Divorce. I am just trying to lay low until I can see my lawyer.

After I saw the deed where I quitclaim on that piece of property, I just got madder than a wet hornet, but I had already made an appointment to see the lawyer.

I am relieved about the LLC's...but am I screwed on the quit-claim property, since NO ONE told me it was there not even the lawyer?

 

[Ohiogal]

I am filing for Divorce. I am just trying to lay low until I can see my lawyer.

After I saw the deed where I quitclaim on that piece of property, I just got madder than a wet hornet, but I had already made an appointment to see the lawyer.

I am relieved about the LLC's...but am I screwed on the quit-claim property, since NO ONE told me it was there not even the lawyer?

That property should also still be considered marital property. You don't own it but it is marital property. You should not be screwed on it. Especially since you could have only quit claimed the interest you had at that time. You qc'd your ownership interest but NOT your marital interest.

 

[Marie34]

OK.....Maybe I can breathe again. I didn't sleep a wink last night because I was scared to death I might be having a heart attack. I also have reflux disease, so one mimics the other.

My appointment just won't get here soon enough. When I think that back in '99 he was already planning this, it just makes me sick to my stomach.

I saw a post where someone commented: "We got a divorce on religious issues, he thought he was God and I didn't." (or something to that effect) I must have thought he was God, because you wouldn't believe the verbal and emotional abuse that I have put up with over the years.

I am counting down the days and all it took was that quitclaim.

Ohiogal, thank you. I have family in Ohio and they were in this weekend and we had such a lovely time.
Thank you again.

 

[Marie34]

OK Almost 2 months have passed.

I still live in VA.

I am less emotional and am thinking and trying to sort things out with my head rather than my heart, although it is difficult. I am still planning to see my lawyer for the 2nd. time this week.

I still have emotional issues in that I really wish he would come back home and us try to work things out.

Unofficial separation or official separation

This is what I now know.
Husband left me after stating that we had wanted to leave after 2nd year of marriage.We were married 25 years. He waited until the children were graduated and then stayed approx 7 more years, because he said he didn't want to hurt me. I am 56 years old.

I have been in therapy and am finally to the point where I have accepted what will be. I have posted before and stated that: HE doesn't want a divorce, that he wants to live in one place and me in another and our only dealings with each other would be business. We have rental property and another service oriented business.

He says that he will continue to pay all that he had paid in the past and that I will continue to do my part and that at retirement, everything will be paid for and then we can enjoy the profits. And that when we are gone, the children will reap the benefits of us not having gone through a divorce and split things up.

I have seen a lawyer. I took her all of our financial info for the last two tax years...I am guessing she has a forensic accountant trying to figure things out for me/her. He doesn't know I have seen lawyer. I know that this might be mean, but if he stayed for 23 years and wanted to leave and didn't tell me, why should I tell him this?

I love him dearly and probably would take him back in a heartbeat, if I could be satisfied that he would work on the problems from his end, as I am trying to do on my end, but he has insisted since he left that he likes being single. He plans on getting a girlfriend down the line and says that has told me more than once that maybe I should find a man to go out with. (I think he already has someone. He spent the night with her on the night before Easter and I went up and caught him, there.)

I have friends who are really pushing me to pour on the sex and try to win him back. They won't let up about this is the way to win him back. When he left, he was so insistent on leaving that it never occurred to me to try to win him back. I just thought about him being gone.

My question is...We do not have a legal separation. When do we get a legal separtion? Does on even need a legal separation in order to get a divorce? It was a mutual agreement, his leaving. So is that a legal separation?

I put out some feelers and he is interested in us being husband and wife in the bed, but insists that it will change nothing as far as him coming back. Another question that i wonder about is if we were to get together, would this violate this "unofficial separation" or would it set me back the two months I have towards a divorce?

As much as it is tempting to accept his arrangement for the rest of our lives, I refuse to live the rest of my life on his terms, staying separate but being with other people. I mean what is the point of marriage if this is how you are going to live? For me it is either be together as husband and wife or not. So, do we try to work things out now? And how does us getting together affect our separation, does it make it null and void and we have to start over?

I am so darned confused, because I do not want to do anything that will jeopardize my relationship with my lawyer. And am moving cautiously...

I guess another question would be, is this an unusual scenario? Do people who are separated get mixed up or am I crazy for even listening to our friends? It was the male of the couple who suggested this and the wife thought it a good idea....

 

[Ohiogal]

I have seen a lawyer. I took her all of our financial info for the last two tax years...I am guessing she has a forensic accountant trying to figure things out for me/her. He doesn't know I have seen lawyer. I know that this might be mean, but if he stayed for 23 years and wanted to leave and didn't tell me, why should I tell him this?

You do not have to tell him you saw a lawyer. If you decide to file papers then he will find out.

I love him dearly and probably would take him back in a heartbeat, if I could be satisfied that he would work on the problems from his end, as I am trying to do on my end, but he has insisted since he left that he likes being single. He plans on getting a girlfriend down the line and says that has told me more than once that maybe I should find a man to go out with. (I think he already has someone. He spent the night with her on the night before Easter and I went up and caught him, there.)

I suggest counseling. You would take back someone who has spent the night with another on a holiday weekend without any regard for your feelings?

I have friends who are really pushing me to pour on the sex and try to win him back. They won't let up about this is the way to win him back. When he left, he was so insistent on leaving that it never occurred to me to try to win him back. I just thought about him being gone.

Sex is not the answer to saving your marriage. Again counseling. If you want to sleep with him, then do so but realize that you are sleeping with everyone he has slept with and you better do something to damn well protect yourself from AIDs, chlamydia, and other STDs.

My question is...We do not have a legal separation. When do we get a legal separtion?

A legal separation requires paperwork being filed with the courts that splits all the property and divides the debts and what not.

Does on even need a legal separation in order to get a divorce?

A legal separation is not necessary.

It was a mutual agreement, his leaving. So is that a legal separation?

Nope but it is a separation. That is -- it is a separation until you sleep with him and then it is just living apart.

I put out some feelers and he is interested in us being husband and wife in the bed, but insists that it will change nothing as far as him coming back. Another question that i wonder about is if we were to get together, would this violate this "unofficial separation" or would it set me back the two months I have towards a divorce?

Sleeping with him ends the separation and starts the time over again.

As much as it is tempting to accept his arrangement for the rest of our lives, I refuse to live the rest of my life on his terms, staying separate but being with other people. I mean what is the point of marriage if this is how you are going to live?

Sounds like the single life to me.

For me it is either be together as husband and wife or not. So, do we try to work things out now?

That is your choice.

And how does us getting together affect our separation, does it make it null and void and we have to start over?

Yep. If you partake in marital living (including sex) then it starts the separation over again.

I am so darned confused, because I do not want to do anything that will jeopardize my relationship with my lawyer. And am moving cautiously...

The fact that you are concerned more about your relationship with your lawyer than your husband speaks volumes.

I guess another question would be, is this an unusual scenario?

It would be an unusual -- meaning not what the majority of married couples do -- scenario. But swingers partake in this type of relationship all the time.

Do people who are separated get mixed up or am I crazy for even listening to our friends? It was the male of the couple who suggested this and the wife thought it a good idea.....

Yes separated people get mixed up. Are you crazy? Ummm.. have you considered yourself a swinger? What is it you really want?

 

[LdiJ]

Hon, you have already discovered that your husband has been playing games with the marital assets.

He wants to stay married so that he can continue to control the marital assets. In fact, if you continue in this way you could suddenly discover yourself being 76 and penniless.

Bite the bullet and either get the divorce, or get a legal separation and a fair division of marital assets...and possibly spousal support in either scenario.

 

[Marie34]

It would be an unusual -- meaning not what the majority of married couples do -- scenario. But swingers partake in this type of relationship all the time.

Yes separated people get mixed up. Are you crazy? Ummm.. have you considered yourself a swinger? What is it you really want?

Thank you for the wake up call. No, I am definately not a swinger......our friends were just so persuasive...I was grasping at straws, I guess. Fact of the matter, as much as I miss him....he isn't coming home....and no I don't want to catch any diseases. I just need to realize that he was my husband, but is no longer.

I wasn't more concerned about my lawyer than my husband....I was more concerned about her representing me and if I did this, I knew that I would have to be upfront with her about it, and I guess I knew that she would think it was a pretty stupid thing to do, much like you all do. I am thankful for this advice forum, because when you put it like you all do, it is pretty grim....something I need to be reminded of on occasion. Actually, I pretty much knew that it would be a mistake...

I am seeing a therapist, have an appointment with her tomorrow...and my lawyer on Thursday.....So, as hard as it is, I will just keep on keeping on the straight and narrow course.

Can I ask you something about finances. Is what he said true? When it comes to dividing everything up, will it all have to be sold since everything we own is financed? These properties have a nice income coming in and if we sell, we will lose that lifetime income...Are there other ways areound having to sell it? I mean could we be divorced and retain everything...maybe put it in a trust or something for the kids?

Can you tell me how this division might be handled...and we still be able to keep it...Or has this divorce cost us everything. He says that in essence, if we divorce, then everything we worked for...and it was our hope that by time we retired, we would have a nice income that would be passed along to the two children(who are now grown)....

I realize that my lawyer will have answers for me. Can any of you give me a hint, now?

Thanks.....And I DO appreciate your taking the time to respond to my posts.
Marie

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you for the wake up call. No, I am definately not a swinger......our friends were just so persuasive...I was grasping at straws, I guess. Fact of the matter, as much as I miss him....he isn't coming home....and no I don't want to catch any diseases. I just need to realize that he was my husband, but is no longer.

I wasn't more concerned about my lawyer than my husband....I was more concerned about her representing me and if I did this, I knew that I would have to be upfront with her about it, and I guess I knew that she would think it was a pretty stupid thing to do, much like you all do. I am thankful for this advice forum, because when you put it like you all do, it is pretty grim....something I need to be reminded of on occasion. Actually, I pretty much knew that it would be a mistake...

I am seeing a therapist, have an appointment with her tomorrow...and my lawyer on Thursday.....So, as hard as it is, I will just keep on keeping on the straight and narrow course.

Can I ask you something about finances. Is what he said true? When it comes to dividing everything up, will it all have to be sold since everything we own is financed? These properties have a nice income coming in and if we sell, we will lose that lifetime income...Are there other ways areound having to sell it? I mean could we be divorced and retain everything...maybe put it in a trust or something for the kids?

Can you tell me how this division might be handled...and we still be able to keep it...Or has this divorce cost us everything. He says that in essence, if we divorce, then everything we worked for...and it was our hope that by time we retired, we would have a nice income that would be passed along to the two children(who are now grown)....

I realize that my lawyer will have answers for me. Can any of you give me a hint, now?

Thanks.....And I DO appreciate your taking the time to respond to my posts.
Marie

Everything has to be divided, that doesn't mean that everything has to be sold. You can trade off assets, but yes, that would mean refinancing those assets into the name of the person who kept the particular asset.

However, what does it really matter if they DO have to be sold? You can each still invest your share of the proceeds in other assets to produce other income. Its not as if the particular assets that you have now are the only way to invest the equity.

Again, he is seriously playing you.

 

[Bali Hai]

Everything has to be divided, that doesn't mean that everything has to be sold. You can trade off assets, but yes, that would mean refinancing those assets into the name of the person who kept the particular asset.

However, what does it really matter if they DO have to be sold? You can each still invest your share of the proceeds in other assets to produce other income. Its not as if the particular assets that you have now are the only way to invest the equity.

Again, he is seriously playing you.[/QUOTE]

I agree. How did this happen? Was it because she was ignorant and allowed it to happen?

Or is she just stupid?

 

[Marie34]

Since LdiJ couldn't possibly know the answer to your question, allow me to tell you...

How did this happen? Was it because she was ignorant and allowed it to happen?

Or is she just stupid?

It was probably all of the above. And I am sure that it had something to do with the way I was raised, in that you trusted your husband, I learned that from my mom and dad. I thought I was a part of everything. I worked outside of the home, took care of the children, took care of the home and managed all of the messages and tracking him down for the important stuff and took care of his scheduling, court stuff....a lot of his running.

If I had gone to law school, like you guys, I might have become a little jaded and untrusting and maybe, like you Bali Hai even a name-caller.... But I didn't. So, now I am being smart and allowing someone like you all take care of this for me.

And even though I may just now be learning to be jaded, I think that you should know that even at my most jaded, I would never be so rude as you, Bali Hai. Just an observation from someone who is on her way to becoming a little more like you...

But then, I guess you are just having a bad day or something. We are all entitled to one of those every once in awhile, eh?

That aside, I do appreciate everything that you all have had to say regarding this. You kept me from making a terrible mistake and have given me some insight and understanding. And that is what I came here for.

God Bless
Marie34

 

[Ohiogal]

Since LdiJ couldn't possibly know the answer to your question, allow me to tell you...



It was probably all of the above. And I am sure that it had something to do with the way I was raised, in that you trusted your husband, I learned that from my mom and dad.

You are never too old to learn a different way. You need to take control of your own financial life.

I thought I was a part of everything. I worked outside of the home, took care of the children, took care of the home and managed all of the messages and tracking him down for the important stuff and took care of his scheduling, court stuff....a lot of his running.

In many marriages it works like that however nowadays women really need to be involved with the finances and have their own income.

If I had gone to law school, like you guys, I might have become a little jaded and untrusting and maybe, like you Bali Hai even a name-caller.... But I didn't. So, now I am being smart and allowing someone like you all take care of this for me.

Let me correct something for you -- only ONE person on this thread has gone to law school and passed the bar. Not everyone that answers you is an attorney. Also, one person on your thread is an accountant. And one is just someone upset with the way their own case went but has some knowledge of the process. I will let you determine who is who.

And even though I may just now be learning to be jaded, I think that you should know that even at my most jaded, I would never be so rude as you, Bali Hai. Just an observation from someone who is on her way to becoming a little more like you...

There is jaded and cynical and then there is just realistic. Bali is a bit cynical because of how he has viewed the courts. You have a choice -- you can become like him or you can make your own path which may be totally different than everyone else here. You can choose to start making decisions that are best for you and not for your husband or your children -- your children seem to be grown and should be able to take care of themselves. Do not worry about leaving them an inheritance in money -- their inheritance should be the lessons you and your husband have taught them and hopefully they will take those lessons and live a better life.

But then, I guess you are just having a bad day or something. We are all entitled to one of those every once in awhile, eh?

True.

That aside, I do appreciate everything that you all have had to say regarding this. You kept me from making a terrible mistake and have given me some insight and understanding. And that is what I came here for.

God Bless
Marie34

I am sure I can speak for us when I say we are glad to have helped. Do not let him talk you in to preserving him. It sounds like he wants to retain control financially -- as Ldij said. Which means you may never become independent and will always be relying on him. You should not want that -- especially since this man seems to have NO loyalty to you and your marriage. Talk to your attorney and move on. Not everything as Ldij stated has to be sold. And she brought up very good points.

 

[Marie34]

Thank you...thank you...thank you....

After I posted here, I feel so much better about everything I am doing. It is like I told my husband when I first suggested going on and doing divorce, whatever I get, I wouldn't squander it away...I have always been a good manager with my money and I am sure that it could be arranged that should I ever remarry, that the new husband would have to sign something that protected what was mine going into marriage that should go to my children down the line.

He blew up. didn't like that idea. I suggested a divorce but remain 'legal' business partners....BTW these things i have suggested were out of the blue, I don't even know if they are realistic or possible.....but again, he blew up and said just take what you want. Half of what I have is yours...like I never contributed anything to the marriage. At one point he even said take 80% of it, I DON'T CARE!

Course, we all know he meant that.

I have a lot of confidence in my lawyer. My pshchologist told me that she thought I made a very good choice because she doesn't get emotionally involved with her clients. She said that there are lawyers in her circle of friends who if they have to go up against her the next day have commented that they dread it because they really have to be on their toes. she said a lot of attornies get emotionally involved, feel a bit sorry for their clients and may get blind-sided once in awhile and it there is a lawyer out there who can blindside, she has the reputation.

To be fair, I only want what should be legally mine. I don't want more nor do I want less.
I think he wants this set-up because he figures at some point I will get lonely enough to start seeing someone and possibly even want to get married and at that point I would probably get less. Again, I have no idea how the law works, except why would he keep suggesting that I start going out (Get a boyfriend, in his words)


But the divorce moves forward, day by day. I haven't backed off that since I first saw my lawyer. I had hoped that while the divorce moved forward that there might be some kind of reconciliation, but it is not to be.

And I am trying to look after myself.

Warmest regards to you all.

And Bali Hai, I'm sorry if I got flip with you. I apologize.

Marie

 

[Marie34]

Another question

If I take the property that all we do is rent the lots....there are 40 lots @ 125.00 each.
We owe on the property for 10 years. 2700.00 a month. There is no depreciation that can be allowed....Can the CPA on here tell me how will Uncle Sam tax that money?