Ex was abusive and neglectful, now I am the one being sued for contempt

[nanasrcool]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas
I was served suit papers yesterday by my ex husband alleging contempt of court on my part by denying him visitation. This was regarding both of our children. One of which is 19, married and has a child of her own! The other is 12. The last and ONLY time he requested visitation was Christmas of 08. He had been abusive when he actually took our son for visitation. Usually only took the daughter. The last time our son was there he demonstrated to him the dance he would be doing at my funeral and how he would laugh till he croked when I finally "kicked off" I am ill and had been undergoing chemo. Our son refused to go back after that. I told his dad this and his reply was "I dont have time for this BS and hung up. Nothing for 4 months then he demanded at christmas his visitation. I told him he would need to talk to our son because he still refuses to have anything to do with him. He refused. I have the email showing this and how I said if he did I would bring him.

I need to answer the complaint, I know. I dont think I am in any danger on the contempt since that was the one and only time he has even asked to see him. But I also think I need to file a cross petition that requests that he go to parenting classes and counseling with our son before they can resume a relationship. Is there a place online that will tell me how to write this up?

 

[randolph76]

Do you have a question?

 

[nanasrcool]

sorry, I had hit "enter" too early.

I went back and amended my post to include my question

 

[mistoffolees]

Is there a place online that will tell me how to write this up?

Not that I'm aware of. You simply respond to the complaint line by line with your side of the story.

However, make your response factual and unemotional. The judge isn't going to care that you think Dad is abusive or the the made fun of you. Only the facts matter.

(Now, if you were dealing with parental alienation complaints, those things might be relevant, but not in a simple contempt issue. You will state "the only time ex requested visitation was xxxx and visitation was permitted. There were no incidents where visitation was denied" or whatever.

 

[Antigone*]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas
I was served suit papers yesterday by my ex husband alleging contempt of court on my part by denying him visitation. This was regarding both of our children. One of which is 19, married and has a child of her own! The other is 12. The last and ONLY time he requested visitation was Christmas of 08. He had been abusive when he actually took our son for visitation. Usually only took the daughter. The last time our son was there he demonstrated to him the dance he would be doing at my funeral and how he would laugh till he croked when I finally "kicked off" I am ill and had been undergoing chemo. Our son refused to go back after that. I told his dad this and his reply was "I dont have time for this BS and hung up. Nothing for 4 months then he demanded at christmas his visitation. I told him he would need to talk to our son because he still refuses to have anything to do with him. He refused. I have the email showing this and how I said if he did I would bring him.

I need to answer the complaint, I know. I dont think I am in any danger on the contempt since that was the one and only time he has even asked to see him. But I also think I need to file a cross petition that requests that he go to parenting classes and counseling with our son before they can resume a relationship. Is there a place online that will tell me how to write this up?

The bolded looks to me like you are in contempt. You should never have involved your son in deciding whether or not he wanted to go to dad's.

 

[nanasrcool]

Not that I'm aware of. You simply respond to the complaint line by line with your side of the story.

I think in order to have them amend the visitation I will have to file a cross petition. Otherwise wont they only address the contempt action. I know that part will be dismissed. He will say he didnt know where I lived. But I dont know where he lives either. That has never mattered. He had my phone number and could have called and never did.

I think it is so unfair that the non custodial parent can pick and choose if or when he will use his visitation but the custodial parent is on the hook if they say no. Seems really backward. BOTH should be held equally accountable.

The thing is if he would go to parenting classes and take our son to counseling and do it WITH him, then he might actually be able to salvage the relationship. But I know him, he wont. This is just retaliation for him getting in trouble for not paying support. That and I think because he has a new girlfriend from what I heard. He has I am sure given her the "woes me, my ex wont let me see my kids" instead of being honest and telling her that his kids want nothing to do with him. But the kicker is being sited for contempt for not seeing his daughter. I mean he filed this last week. She is MARRIED and has her own child and is 19~!! He is going to look like a complete fool in court!

 

[LdiJ]

The bolded looks to me like you are in contempt. You should never have involved your son in deciding whether or not he wanted to go to dad's.

I am not sure that I agree. I am not sure that telling dad that the child was upset and that dad needed to talk to him is quite the same as involving the child in deciding whether or not to visit.

What dad did (ill mom undergoing chemo and dad demonstrates how he is going to "dance on her grave") was a really really really horrible thing to do to a child. I cannot imagine any judge or GAL or custody evaluator who would not view it as a really, really, really horrible thing. Kids don't get to choose, but how could any reasonable person NOT take a child's feelings into consideration in that scenario?

 

[LdiJ]

I think in order to have them amend the visitation I will have to file a cross petition. Otherwise wont they only address the contempt action. I know that part will be dismissed. He will say he didnt know where I lived. But I dont know where he lives either. That has never mattered. He had my phone number and could have called and never did.

Yes, you need to file a cross petition. I also think that you need to include the "dancing on your grave" bit along with a clear explanation of your illness so its clear to the judge just how horrible a thing dad did.

I think it is so unfair that the non custodial parent can pick and choose if or when he will use his visitation but the custodial parent is on the hook if they say no. Seems really backward. BOTH should be held equally accountable.

I happen to personally agree with you...however that is not the law and we have to deal with the law.

The thing is if he would go to parenting classes and take our son to counseling and do it WITH him, then he might actually be able to salvage the relationship. But I know him, he wont. This is just retaliation for him getting in trouble for not paying support. That and I think because he has a new girlfriend from what I heard. He has I am sure given her the "woes me, my ex wont let me see my kids" instead of being honest and telling her that his kids want nothing to do with him. But the kicker is being sited for contempt for not seeing his daughter. I mean he filed this last week. She is MARRIED and has her own child and is 19~!! He is going to look like a complete fool in court!

If he hasn't seen either child since Christmas of 2008, which is 3 1/2 years ago then your daughter wasn't 19, married and with a child of her own for part of that time. For part of that time she was still a minor. However yes, he is going to look a bit silly.

If at all possible I would really recommend that you hire an attorney to handle this. An attorney will be able to get what you want to happen much more easily and quickly than you will.

 

[neopandora]

I think it is so unfair that the non custodial parent can pick and choose if or when he will use his visitation but the custodial parent is on the hook if they say no. Seems really backward. BOTH should be held equally accountable.

I respectfully wholeheartedly disagree with this statement. I believe being the custodial parent is a great privilege. With such a privilege comes greater obligations and greater accountability.

Think of it like Great Kid, Incorporated and you are the CEO. The CEO is going to be on the hook above any other position.

 

[nanasrcool]

The bolded looks to me like you are in contempt. You should never have involved your son in deciding whether or not he wanted to go to dad's.

It was never a matter of me involving him. The child came home in such a rage. I am not required to force the child into his car. After how hurt he was and how hurt he had been by his father over the years. I wasnt going to force him to go. It wasnt like I sat there and asked him if he wanted to go. He came home and flat out said I never want to see that man again! His daughter now grown also wants nothing to do with him. He had always shown blatant favortism toward her. Taking her all the time but telling Tyler he wasnt invited. Even she has now ended any relationship with him.

When your child comes home and has a very valid reason for not wanting to go and not wanting a relationship with someone that treats him like crap. You dont force them to go be with that person. A father that cared at all about the relationship would have called him and talked to him. I told him if he would just call him, talk to him, work it out that I would bring our son to him. He refused and hasnt said a word to him since.

Keep in mind this has been almost 3 years ago! If he wanted to be a dad to him, he wouldnt have waited almost 3 years to bother with it. This isnt about seeing his son. I assure you. I will request he go to counseling with him before he goes there again. His father needs to be taught by professionals that what he says that hurts his child HURTS them. He flat out doesnt care.
He is a verbally abusive parent. Since his daughter is now grown I would hope the court would listen to her. She wont even allow him to be around her own child.

 

[LdiJ]

It was never a matter of me involving him. The child came home in such a rage. I am not required to force the child into his car. After how hurt he was and how hurt he had been by his father over the years. I wasnt going to force him to go. It wasnt like I sat there and asked him if he wanted to go. He came home and flat out said I never want to see that man again! His daughter now grown also wants nothing to do with him. He had always shown blatant favortism toward her. Taking her all the time but telling Tyler he wasnt invited. Even she has now ended any relationship with him.

When your child comes home and has a very valid reason for not wanting to go and not wanting a relationship with someone that treats him like crap. You dont force them to go be with that person. A father that cared at all about the relationship would have called him and talked to him. I told him if he would just call him, talk to him, work it out that I would bring our son to him. He refused and hasnt said a word to him since.

Keep in mind this has been almost 3 years ago! If he wanted to be a dad to him, he wouldnt have waited almost 3 years to bother with it. This isnt about seeing his son. I assure you. I will request he go to counseling with him before he goes there again. His father needs to be taught by professionals that what he says that hurts his child HURTS them. He flat out doesnt care.
He is a verbally abusive parent. Since his daughter is now grown I would hope the court would listen to her. She wont even allow him to be around her own child.

Once again, I would strongly recommend that you get an attorney to handle this.

 

[nanasrcool]

I respectfully wholeheartedly disagree with this statement. I believe being the custodial parent is a great privilege. With such a privilege comes greater obligations and greater accountability.

Think of it like Great Kid, Incorporated and you are the CEO. The CEO is going to be on the hook above any other position.

True...but being the child of a father that was never around and only popped in and out of my life. He would call and say he was coming to get me and never show. I know the damage this did to me. I spent years chasing after someone to love me and had HUGE abandonment issues. They ARE accountable. Just not legally. They do alot of damage when they parent like that. What is wrong is to do a child like that. Our son never bonded with him. He bonded with his step father. His father wasnt even there when he was born. He got tired of waiting and left 3 hours before he came.

I had tried for YEARS to get his father to see them. He wouldnt. He would only take our son 2-3 times a year. He would see our daughter more though..like 8-9 times a year. The fact was our son was more work. He has ADHD and any parent with a child with this knows it isnt easy. It takes ALOT of patience and his father had none.

The thing is, him having a good healthy relationship with his dad could only be a GOOD thing. I firmly believe that. I just dont think this is possible unless they go to counseling at this point. He also will NOT refrain from saying horrible things about me, my husband and our stepson. But the dance thing was low even for him.

 

[nanasrcool]

Once again, I would strongly recommend that you get an attorney to handle this.

Ldij.. I have called one and have an appointment with him tomorrow. He actually has a copy of the emails between my ex and I at that very time. I had cc'd him when I sent it to him. His is also aware of my illness and the severity of it. Our son had just watched me only the week before have a complex generalized (aka grandmal) seizure the week before.

His biggest fear during all that time was me dying. Heck, I wasnt exactly sure how it was all going to play out either. One of the things that has kept me fighting all these years is the fear of leaving him. His father's complete disregard for his feelings are very evident. I have evidence of what was happening during this time and his dad KNEW this. He had watched me lose the ability to walk. His response to our son when he tried to talk to him about it was just beyond my comprehension.

I thought or hoped actually that his father would realize that what he did was probably not a good thing to do. Call him and tell him he was sorry he hurt him and they be ok. Instead he just ignored him.

I am just so thankful I actually was able to find that email between us. I held on to it because I knew one day he would pull something.

You have to understand, he is a pathological narcissist. He has no ability to empathize. He cant comprehend that what he does hurts them. Nor does he really even care.

When we separated our daughter was 7 and I was pregnant with our son. He pulled a gun on me, aimed it at me and told me while holding our daughter he would blow my head off if I got in his way as he left with our daughter. I KNOW how cruel he can be. There was no way I would subject our son to that. Not when he was begging me not to go back again. I just couldnt force him.

 

[nanasrcool]

Not that I'm aware of. You simply respond to the complaint line by line with your side of the story.

However, make your response factual and unemotional. The judge isn't going to care that you think Dad is abusive or the the made fun of you. Only the facts matter.

(Now, if you were dealing with parental alienation complaints, those things might be relevant, but not in a simple contempt issue. You will state "the only time ex requested visitation was xxxx and visitation was permitted. There were no incidents where visitation was denied" or whatever.

I have written it all up and have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow. I think that way the attorney can have the full story and then write it up how it should be written. Him "making fun of me" isnt a big deal. It was hurtful to our son. It went so much further than just that though. Our son wasnt allowed to even mention anything about us without getting in trouble and being hit with a diatribe of yelling and calling us names to him. Then he would be sent to his room. This I found out later. The thing he did the last day though was so much worse than just "making fun of me". Our son was having nightmares of me dying. This was a HUGE fear for him. His father showing him the dance he was planning and telling him how he would laugh so hard he would probably croak too was just a cruel thing to say to a child dealing with what he was.

It is a clear example of how this man has absolutely NO empathy or concern for the well being of his child. It IS an emotional thing for me which is why I need an attorney. Not because of him saying these things about me. Honestly what he says stopped bothering me long ago. It is the hurt inflicted on our son that has me emotional. I will never forget how upset he was that day. The pure rage he felt toward his father that day. He said he was so mad he was little because he wanted to hit him so hard! I knew he meant it too. That made me so sad. That he felt that way about his own father was just sad. Also, at the time I was terrified. If I hadnt came through it, the courts would have placed our son in his custody. I was terrified of what the outcome of that would be.

One thing for sure it certainly gave me a strong motivation to fight through it! I just have to fight another 5 years!

This is one of the biggest reasons having an attorney is the best thing. Because they can be objective and impersonal.

 

[mistoffolees]

It was never a matter of me involving him. The child came home in such a rage. I am not required to force the child into his car. After how hurt he was and how hurt he had been by his father over the years. I wasnt going to force him to go.

Your original post wasn't clear. It sounded like the kid DID go with Dad. But if the kid didn't go with Dad, you could be held in contempt.

Granted, if it was a one time situation and was years ago, the risk is relatively minor and there probably wouldn't be significant consequences, but you need to realize that you are obligated to ensure that the child goes with Dad. That's what being a parent is about.