Extremely Difficult Ex

[Egg17]

The custodial parent of my daughter (her mother) is extremely difficult. She is very accusatory, selfish, backstabbing, and degrading to me. She tries to control my time with our daughter by dictating what is acceptable and what’s not. She makes all the decisions about extra-curricular activities without my involvement, and expects me to participate during my time or “I’m not supporting our child’s desires”. If my actions are not to her liking, she will belittle my character to make me sound like an unfit parent. She accuses me of things that are completely false, and will act out to make herself try to look like the better parent (sometimes at the expense of our daughter). Would it be worth my time to begin litigation or just continue to deal with this?

 

[Ohiogal]

The custodial parent of my daughter (her mother) is extremely difficult. She is very accusatory, selfish, backstabbing, and degrading to me. She tries to control my time with our daughter by dictating what is acceptable and what’s not. She makes all the decisions about extra-curricular activities without my involvement, and expects me to participate during my time or “I’m not supporting our child’s desires”. If my actions are not to her liking, she will belittle my character to make me sound like an unfit parent. She accuses me of things that are completely false, and will act out to make herself try to look like the better parent (sometimes at the expense of our daughter). Would it be worth my time to begin litigation or just continue to deal with this?

If NO court orders DEFINITELY go to court and get a GAL. If no court orders, she has a right to control your time. GO TO COURT. If you have been to court, MORE INFORMATION IS NECESSARY.

 

[Egg17]

FYI we’re in Texas. We had our initial order placed 2016 and then she took me back to court last year to modify visitation and try to give me less time because she believed our 5y/o daughter “wasn’t ready” for extended time with me. (She still believes this and now has our child believing that she is in some kind of emotional turmoil when she comes over to my house. The child is completely fine and happy with me.) Things were tweaked in both our favors and now we have a working order in place. Our communication is to be email only. She is very disrespectful to me and my family and interprets our order to work out to her advantage, but when it comes to her, the rules don’t matter. She is compliant to the main ideas of the order, but she makes every single situation that happens between us so extremely difficult. For example, she enrolled her in extra-curricular sports that occur during my time... without my consent or even my opinion. I just happen to find out I have to take her to practice next weekend! And if I don’t bend over backwards to rearrange my life for these sports, you’d better believe there is quite a conflict, not to mention a horrible and degrading email to me stating how “I am not supportive of our daughter” and “I should be responsible in my duties as a father to make sure she is there, no matter what”. (All of our coparenting situations end up like that.)
I’m so sick of always walking on eggshells. Every time we have to discuss something, it’s like my stomach just turns in knots. I absolutely dread the fact of any communication with her because it is always high-conflict and never turns out calm or cordial. Is there anything that can be done about this or do courts look at this like a waste of time?

 

[Just Blue]

FYI we’re in Texas. We had our initial order placed 2016 and then she took me back to court last year to modify visitation and try to give me less time because she believed our 5y/o daughter “wasn’t ready” for extended time with me. (She still believes this and now has our child believing that she is in some kind of emotional turmoil when she comes over to my house. The child is completely fine and happy with me.) Things were tweaked in both our favors and now we have a working order in place. Our communication is to be email only. She is very disrespectful to me and my family and interprets our order to work out to her advantage, but when it comes to her, the rules don’t matter. She is compliant to the main ideas of the order, but she makes every single situation that happens between us so extremely difficult. For example, she enrolled her in extra-curricular sports that occur during my time... without my consent or even my opinion. I just happen to find out I have to take her to practice next weekend! And if I don’t bend over backwards to rearrange my life for these sports, you’d better believe there is quite a conflict, not to mention a horrible and degrading email to me stating how “I am not supportive of our daughter” and “I should be responsible in my duties as a father to make sure she is there, no matter what”. (All of our coparenting situations end up like that.)
I’m so sick of always walking on eggshells. Every time we have to discuss something, it’s like my stomach just turns in knots. I absolutely dread the fact of any communication with her because it is always high-conflict and never turns out calm or cordial. Is there anything that can be done about this or do courts look at this like a waste of time?

What is the court order?

 

[stealth2]

FYI we’re in Texas. We had our initial order placed 2016 and then she took me back to court last year to modify visitation and try to give me less time because she believed our 5y/o daughter “wasn’t ready” for extended time with me. (She still believes this and now has our child believing that she is in some kind of emotional turmoil when she comes over to my house. The child is completely fine and happy with me.) Things were tweaked in both our favors and now we have a working order in place. Our communication is to be email only. She is very disrespectful to me and my family and interprets our order to work out to her advantage, but when it comes to her, the rules don’t matter. She is compliant to the main ideas of the order, but she makes every single situation that happens between us so extremely difficult. For example, she enrolled her in extra-curricular sports that occur during my time... without my consent or even my opinion. I just happen to find out I have to take her to practice next weekend! And if I don’t bend over backwards to rearrange my life for these sports, you’d better believe there is quite a conflict, not to mention a horrible and degrading email to me stating how “I am not supportive of our daughter” and “I should be responsible in my duties as a father to make sure she is there, no matter what”. (All of our coparenting situations end up like that.)
I’m so sick of always walking on eggshells. Every time we have to discuss something, it’s like my stomach just turns in knots. I absolutely dread the fact of any communication with her because it is always high-conflict and never turns out calm or cordial. Is there anything that can be done about this or do courts look at this like a waste of time?

You may find the guys down the road helpful - they're very good w/strategy and support. Feel free to PM me for details.

 

[HRZ]

UNless the order says otherwise...you visitation time is 100% your time and you need not schedule activities that mom picked .

 

[HRZ]

UNless the order says otherwise...your visitation time is 100% your time and you need not schedule activities that mom picked .

 

[commentator]

I suggest you get yourself into some good counseling to help you do this co parenting creatively. It seems to be causing you a lot of angst and misery. I suspect this was your ex's forte when you were with her, and she has not stopped using these techniques with you because they work. If I make this uncomfortable enough for him, he'll give in. And conflict obviously is something she is capable of and you don't handle well, so she's playing the card to the hilt. And she's 'getting to' you with every hateful communication.

So what you need to do is resolve that you are going to be the best parent you can be, that you are going to be the emotionally stable adult in this situation. After all, your poor daughter is going to have to spend a good bit of her time with this other person and you don't want her to be left at the mercy of someone who loves conflict and drama (your daughter may be like you, you know, and sensitive, and may have a hard time with it too.) You owe it to her, since you did have a child with this mean drama queen, to be there for your daughter, to claim your every legal right and provide her with emotional support and help her deal with her mother creatively. To do this, you need to work with someone who can help you deal with her first.

Follow the court order to the letter. Be careful to save all evidences of her efforts to torment you and be ready to take her back to court at the first real sign of refusal to follow the orders. You know she will push and push and try to "up the ante" and that she will SAY anything she possibly can to get to you and upset you. Until you stop reinforcing her, she won't suddenly become more responsible or bearable. So see someone to help you work through this as best you possibly can, and be constantly vigilant against her pushing. Do not give in to her, do not let her mean conversation and her tendency to make a huge deal out of every single thing get you to quit trying or keep you continuously upset until you give up your efforts to parent your daughter. Get counseling.

As soon as she's old enough, have your daughter in counseling when she is with you on your time. That will be more valuable to her than any amount of extra curricular sports, etc., stuff that mom is pushing on her time.

 

[torimac]

At age 5, the daughter is old enough for at least play therapy. But as stated, it will have to be during Dad's time.

 

[Lovingfatherof2]

It doesn't sound like you have problems that litigation or the law can fix. The boys room is what you are looking for to help you formulate a strategy in dealing with your ex and help you create a co-parenting relationship.

 

[xylene]

Oh god a divorced parent whinging about feeling respected.

That's it, the entire problem, you don't feel respected.
This is something to get over.

Would it kill you to be like "Yes Donna, not only is it that I don't think it is a problem if she misses sports practice, I think it is wholly inappropriate for a 5 year old to be participating in sports at all. I think your emphasis on sport is going to give our child a complex, I think you're giving our kid anorexia with your good intentions.."

 

[Lovingfatherof2]

^^Dont do that, unless you just want to create more issues.

 

[HRZ]

Explain why you are required to shuttle you daughter on your time to some activity mom chose

 

[Egg17]

Thank you all so much. This helped a lot. I just hate knowing that she can act like this and get away with it.. when I have to be the mature, good guy and just get ripped to shreds for it.
We have, pretty much, a standard Texas custody order with a few agreed-upon little adjustments.
What is guys down the road and the boys room?

 

[stealth2]

What is guys down the road and the boys room?

Same place. PM either of us, or google mens divorce - should come up...