Father's Weekend/His Plans

[mommymushbrain]

On his weekends? They're HIS kids. You don't get to determine what he does or where he goes or whether or not you approve.

Same on your weekends.

Clearly, the court thinks that you're both fit parents. You need to make "get over it" your mantra.

Okay, thanks again.

 

[challenges]

I'd be worrried too

I can completely understand why such a trip on a river with tons of alcohol would make you uncomfortable. I'd be worried too. Hopefully you two can eventually work out a co-parenting situation where he will take your concerns seriously and you will take his seriously as well. Just take the legal advice the seniors have given you and keep trying to work on co-parenting (I'm still working on it after 7 years and it's still rough).

 

[mommymushbrain]

Update!

So I was proactive and offered weekend switch and all that fun stuff.

He tells me no, that's his weekend, he's going to take it. However his plans were to leave the girls with the stepsister... he will pick them up Friday night, take them to dinner, then head on to his camping party, staying through Sunday at noon-ish.

Our girls are almost 10 and 11, the stepsister is 15.

I have no problem with stepsister watching the girls during the daytime. I do feel uncomfortable for this overnight thing though, especially a weekend alone.

Reasons: Dad will not be able to be in contact with the girls as the camping site he is going to has no cell service, unless you drive a mile out of the site itself. Even if he had cell service, he's over an hour away. The nearest neighbor is only 1/4 mile away, but he was the one who filed harassment charges against my ex, so while I think he would help out children, you just never know with people these days.

I am without vehicle, so if something happened and the girls called me, I couldn't even get to them, but I could at least notify help if it were something more serious.

So now what? Just be okay with all the kids being alone for that extended period of time?

 

[LdiJ]

So I was proactive and offered weekend switch and all that fun stuff.

He tells me no, that's his weekend, he's going to take it. However his plans were to leave the girls with the stepsister... he will pick them up Friday night, take them to dinner, then head on to his camping party, staying through Sunday at noon-ish.

Our girls are almost 10 and 11, the stepsister is 15.

I have no problem with stepsister watching the girls during the daytime. I do feel uncomfortable for this overnight thing though, especially a weekend alone.

Reasons: Dad will not be able to be in contact with the girls as the camping site he is going to has no cell service, unless you drive a mile out of the site itself. Even if he had cell service, he's over an hour away. The nearest neighbor is only 1/4 mile away, but he was the one who filed harassment charges against my ex, so while I think he would help out children, you just never know with people these days.

I am without vehicle, so if something happened and the girls called me, I couldn't even get to them, but I could at least notify help if it were something more serious.

So now what? Just be okay with all the kids being alone for that extended period of time?

This is personal advice not legal advice. I would be telling dad that leaving them with the stepsister for the weekend is not acceptable and that the girls will be staying with you. A 15 year old is not an acceptable supervisor for an entire weekend. In fact, I wouldn't leave a 15 year old alone for an entire weekend, let alone have them supervise other children. I would repeat my offer of a makeup weekend (other than the weekend that you have plans).

Now, there is definitely a downside to that. Its possible that dad will take you to court for contempt, however, I think that most judges would agree that a 15 year old is not an acceptable supervisor for an entire weekend.

Its also possible that dad will become more unco-operative with you as a co-parent due to that as well. However, I definitely would not be allowing my children to be alone with a 15 year old supervisor for the weekend, particularly if I had no transportation to get to them in an emergency.

 

[mistoffolees]

This is personal advice not legal advice. I would be telling dad that leaving them with the stepsister for the weekend is not acceptable and that the girls will be staying with you. A 15 year old is not an acceptable supervisor for an entire weekend. In fact, I wouldn't leave a 15 year old alone for an entire weekend, let alone have them supervise other children. I would repeat my offer of a makeup weekend (other than the weekend that you have plans).

Now, there is definitely a downside to that. Its possible that dad will take you to court for contempt, however, I think that most judges would agree that a 15 year old is not an acceptable supervisor for an entire weekend.

Its also possible that dad will become more unco-operative with you as a co-parent due to that as well. However, I definitely would not be allowing my children to be alone with a 15 year old supervisor for the weekend, particularly if I had no transportation to get to them in an emergency.

If OP chooses to go that route, I would make sure that the communication is in writing and can be verified.

 

[LdiJ]

If OP chooses to go that route, I would make sure that the communication is in writing and can be verified.

Yes, it should definitely be in writing.

 

[stealth2]

I have to agree. As liberal as I am wrt my kids doing stuff (i.e. flying on their own, taking Amtrak hither and yon alone, going to the City alone, etc...), leaving them home alone for a weekend/overnight at 15 and under? No way in heck! Now, I DID go overseas, leaving my oldest "home alone" for 10 days - but he was only home alone during the day... in the evenings, he went to my parents house and spent the night with my Dad.

 

[CJane]

Where will step-mother be?

If you keep your kids home that weekend, does that leave the 15 year old home alone all weekend? I know she's not your kid and not legally your problem, but I'm not sure I could do that to the kid.

Have you suggested that all three kids come to your home for a sleepover?

You said you don't have transportation, so going to get them once they're AT Dad's is obviously not possible. What's your back up plan?

 

[mommymushbrain]

With my initial proactive communication, I sent him an email. All of this was told to me verbally when he dropped the girls off last night. Yes, he will do that on purpose so nothing is "in writing". That is so when I come back with another email he will claim he "never said anything like that"...

So on feelings alone, I predict if I email him like LdiJ said, he will tell me that he never said he was going to leave the girls alone all weekend and that his plans changed, or now he was going to take them with him, or some other excuse.

Basically I will be left in the dark as to where the girls will be.

As I've stated before, he likes to push buttons and this is how he does it.

Where will step-mother be?

If you keep your kids home that weekend, does that leave the 15 year old home alone all weekend? I know she's not your kid and not legally your problem, but I'm not sure I could do that to the kid.

Have you suggested that all three kids come to your home for a sleepover?

You said you don't have transportation, so going to get them once they're AT Dad's is obviously not possible. What's your back up plan?

There is no stepmother, daughter is from a previous marriage. And dad won't let her visit with me (although I did get visitation awarded in our decree but it was worded "at stepchild's discretion").

As for transportation, if I had a true emergency, I would find a way to get to them.

 

[Ohiogal]

With my initial proactive communication, I sent him an email. All of this was told to me verbally when he dropped the girls off last night. Yes, he will do that on purpose so nothing is "in writing". That is so when I come back with another email he will claim he "never said anything like that"...

So on feelings alone, I predict if I email him like LdiJ said, he will tell me that he never said he was going to leave the girls alone all weekend and that his plans changed, or now he was going to take them with him, or some other excuse.

Basically I will be left in the dark as to where the girls will be.

As I've stated before, he likes to push buttons and this is how he does it.



There is no stepmother, daughter is from a previous marriage. And dad won't let her visit with me (although I did get visitation awarded in our decree but it was worded "at stepchild's discretion").

As for transportation, if I had a true emergency, I would find a way to get to them.

Unless you also sued the MOTHER of the stepchild the portion regarding stepchild visitation is unenforceable.

 

[mistoffolees]

With my initial proactive communication, I sent him an email. All of this was told to me verbally when he dropped the girls off last night. Yes, he will do that on purpose so nothing is "in writing". That is so when I come back with another email he will claim he "never said anything like that"...

So on feelings alone, I predict if I email him like LdiJ said, he will tell me that he never said he was going to leave the girls alone all weekend and that his plans changed, or now he was going to take them with him, or some other excuse.

Basically I will be left in the dark as to where the girls will be.

This is one of the very few cases that I would deny visitation. Make sure everything is covered in writing and offer for the 15 yo stepsister to stay with you so she can see the kids, but I wouldn't allow it either. You might get your hand slapped by the court, but even that is unlikely- as long as you can document your objection to the kids staying with a 15 year old over the weekend ON SAFETY GROUNDS (not simply because you don't like her) and you offered makeup time.

I RARELY agree with withholding visitation, but there are some times when it's just unavoidable.

Of course, as soon as you tell him that, he may say "I changed my mind, I'm staying home that weekend" then pick the kids up and leave them with the older child, anyway. In that case, you'd have to find some way to pick them up (and they would have to have some way to notify you).

As I've stated before, he likes to push buttons and this is how he does it.

I really hate hearing that phrase. In almost every situation I've ever seen, it takes two to tango. Even if he's the primary instigator, your response is part of the problem, as well. And I doubt very much that you're perfect and never "pushed his buttons".

At some point, it's time to let the old marriage go and get on with your life. When you do that, he won't be able to push your buttons any more - and everyone will be a lot happier.

There is no stepmother, daughter is from a previous marriage. And dad won't let her visit with me (although I did get visitation awarded in our decree but it was worded "at stepchild's discretion").

As for transportation, if I had a true emergency, I would find a way to get to them.

As was explained, that is a strange order. You have no legal right to visitation with the stepdaughter. At the same time, Dad is free to let the stepdaughter visit you on his time whenever he wishes, so it's also unnecessary. If Dad wants to let her visit you on his time, he can do so. Of course, if it's the same thing - where Dad really won't spend any time with the stepdaughter and is simply getting her as a babysitter, her mother is free to object.

 

[mommymushbrain]

I will attempt more communication with him regarding the weekend and see what happens.

As for the issue regarding visitation with stepdaughter... she was basically abandoned by her mother at age 6 months. I came into the picture when she was 2 years old. I essentially played mother to her until the divorce, 11 years later. Rights had never been terminated between her and her mother.

I was given visitation with her due under "in loco parentis" I believe it how it was labelled, but the way it was worded with the "at her discretion" left it open for father to deny it because "she doesn't want to come see you".

 

[Ohiogal]

I will attempt more communication with him regarding the weekend and see what happens.

As for the issue regarding visitation with stepdaughter... she was basically abandoned by her mother at age 6 months. I came into the picture when she was 2 years old. I essentially played mother to her until the divorce, 11 years later. Rights had never been terminated between her and her mother.

I was given visitation with her due under "in loco parentis" I believe it how it was labelled, but the way it was worded with the "at her discretion" left it open for father to deny it because "she doesn't want to come see you".

If mom still has her rights however it is NOT an enforceable provision unless the child's MOTHER was served.

 

[mommymushbrain]

It's been over a year since it was awarded and with nothing, I've given up on it anyway... It's too late to fight the system anyway. Her mother has since been located, but lives 3 hours away and from what I last heard, still really had nothing to do with her...

 

[mommymushbrain]

Final update!

Dad called me just tonight and asked to switch weekends. Concessions were made to it being Mother's Day weekend and other time added in for missing that day. So all is well on that end.

Funny side thing - he lied to me about his "plans"... he wanted to switch the weekend because his oldest daughter (oldest to the stepsister that lives at home with him) is getting married that weekend. I said "Oh how nice, I'll send her a congratulations on Facebook"... and he stammered about saying that she probably won't talk to me. I'm guessing that she hasn't told him she has spoke to me in recent months? I just politely said an okay and let it drop.

Of course, the childish side in me wants to message her and congratulate her anyway on her upcoming "marriage". But I'm letting it slide.