Frustrated w/not seeing kids

[daddenied]

What is the name of your state? CA

I've posted before and am still a rookie to the forum, but need a little more help with some new developments in my fight to see my own children. Today, again, my ex-wife violated the visitation agreement and this will be the 4th time since January she has done this and I will be filing the 4th police report against her, per my attorney's advice, stating that she did not show up at the exchage spot, in fact, she let me know that if I want them I have to come to her place and be there before a certain time tonight, which would not do, because we live 4 1/2 hours from each other...she stated if I got there after HER designated time, I could not have them until tomorrow after another designated time. We were supposed to meet at the exchange spot, and my children and I were to return to my home as plans had been made for them for the evening as well as tomorrow, they were to join me at my Field Work Site (Sporting events) in the morning. I know this is getting long, but I am frustrated. What will REALLY happen to my ex-wife when we meet in court in 3 months (I got a court date after I filed paperwork in December for July in the county they live in). Are these reports I am filing in vain. I know this is what I am supposed to do, but it seems to me that the only thing that is happening is my spending more money (that I don't have) to drive up to the meeting place, then all the way into her hometown just to get no answer at the door, no answer over the phone, etc... file a report than drive all the way home. Are we fathers just tricked into doing things by the book to make us think that there is justice? Is there anything more that can be done?

 

[FLFamof5]

What is the name of your state? CA

Are we fathers just tricked into doing things by the book to make us think that there is justice? Is there anything more that can be done?

FYI... it's not just the "father's" that have to go through this.. be careful on your wording

It may seem to be petty now the things that you have to go through, time consuming, spending money, and disappointment. But, each time you file a police report and each time she changes what is stipulated then the judge will have a field day with her.

Keep doing as your attorney advises and it's truly dis-heartening but it's baby steps in the right direction. Good Luck!

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? CA

I've posted before and am still a rookie to the forum, but need a little more help with some new developments in my fight to see my own children. Today, again, my ex-wife violated the visitation agreement and this will be the 4th time since January she has done this and I will be filing the 4th police report against her, per my attorney's advice, stating that she did not show up at the exchage spot, in fact, she let me know that if I want them I have to come to her place and be there before a certain time tonight, which would not do, because we live 4 1/2 hours from each other...she stated if I got there after HER designated time, I could not have them until tomorrow after another designated time. We were supposed to meet at the exchange spot, and my children and I were to return to my home as plans had been made for them for the evening as well as tomorrow, they were to join me at my Field Work Site (Sporting events) in the morning. I know this is getting long, but I am frustrated. What will REALLY happen to my ex-wife when we meet in court in 3 months (I got a court date after I filed paperwork in December for July in the county they live in). Are these reports I am filing in vain. I know this is what I am supposed to do, but it seems to me that the only thing that is happening is my spending more money (that I don't have) to drive up to the meeting place, then all the way into her hometown just to get no answer at the door, no answer over the phone, etc... file a report than drive all the way home. Are we fathers just tricked into doing things by the book to make us think that there is justice? Is there anything more that can be done?

Without knowing exactly what your orders say its hard to comment. She isn't entirely denying visitation because she is giving you not only one opportunity to pick up the kids, but a backup opportunity as well. Therefore unless the orders specify that she must meet you half way she may not be in contempt. On top of that...if she can demonstrate a plausible reason for not meeting halfway and an attempt to compromise with you (ie offering to provide all of the transportation for the return trip) it can get trickier.

However if there are definite court orders and she is ignoring those orders she could get hammered....most likely fined. You have an attorney and as long as you are letting your attorney in on all of the details, you probably should be listening to your attorney.

 

[Inquiry123]

Maintain contact

As FLF stated...keep on keepin' on. Stay the course...stay focused. Be positive and always be polite (even when you feel like your getting your lunch handed to you.)

Stay in contact by visits (when possible), phone, email, care packages -- make sure the court will see the extent that you have gone to maintain contact. Keep a journal of ALL attempts.

It's frustrating...it feels like it takes forever. It does. Don't lose contact.

She'll get hers in July!

 

[Jillian483]

I agree with everyone elses advice, however, there is one thing that I find necessary to add. My husband was in the same situation here. We decided that it was more important for him to drive the distance to see his children than not see them at all. He went and picked them up and then when she called that Sunday wondering when he was going to be bringing the childrens by he informed her that he was required to rpovide half of the transportation and that he had already done so. When she had the nerve to file contempt charges he explained the situation to the judge and he sided with my husband. It all depends what your court paperwork says. Does it say half of the transportation of meet half way?

 

[daddenied]

Without knowing exactly what your orders say its hard to comment. She isn't entirely denying visitation because she is giving you not only one opportunity to pick up the kids, but a backup opportunity as well. Therefore unless the orders specify that she must meet you half way she may not be in contempt. On top of that...if she can demonstrate a plausible reason for not meeting halfway and an attempt to compromise with you (ie offering to provide all of the transportation for the return trip) it can get trickier.

However if there are definite court orders and she is ignoring those orders she could get hammered....most likely fined. You have an attorney and as long as you are letting your attorney in on all of the details, you probably should be listening to your attorney.

Yes, we have a court order. Nonetheless, I have no problem if I must to go all the way in to pick the children up, but what she is doing is saying, "sorry I won't meet you there, and if you want them, come for them, but if you come and it is after 9pm, too bad, can't have them until tomorrow morning, AFTER 10am" Again, I live 4-4 1/2 hours away and the time frame she gives me of course is not reasonable...when I leave the 1/2 way point of meeting it would get me there, over an hour AFTER her designated time. This is all information SHE knows and I wish it were that "nice" and she was offering alternatives to a good reason she is unable to meet, but she started keeping the kids from me, when I retained an attorney in response to her not allowing the kids to visit from July-Dec of last year. I retained an attorney and the D.A.'s office stepped in and forced my holiday visitation...I got to see them twice in January following this, then she just decided to violate the order...Recently my life has moved on...a year ago I became seriously involved with a friend of mine and we are talking about a future together...this is the only reason I can see that she is wanting to be ugly...my relationship with the children have always been good...their mother and I just failed together...we never even fought in court for them as we share joint legal and physical custody. I just feel frustrated and wonder if NCP do all of this in vain. Sorry about just saying "fathers" earlier...it just seems to me that the system is biased and lean most times toward mothers...I may be wrong. thanks!

 

[daddenied]

Thanks

As FLF stated...keep on keepin' on. Stay the course...stay focused. Be positive and always be polite (even when you feel like your getting your lunch handed to you.)

Stay in contact by visits (when possible), phone, email, care packages -- make sure the court will see the extent that you have gone to maintain contact. Keep a journal of ALL attempts.

It's frustrating...it feels like it takes forever. It does. Don't lose contact.

She'll get hers in July!

Thank you. I appreciate the advice. The problem is I never really wanted her to "get hers"...if you know what I mean? I just wanted us to coparent together and share our kids legally joint and physical, which is in our order. I hate that she has forced me to get an attorney and do all of this. I hate it! I feel sad that my children may hate me, especially since I have no idea what their mother has been saying to sabotage our relationship. Thanks!

 

[Jillian483]

Thank you. I appreciate the advice. The problem is I never really wanted her to "get hers"...if you know what I mean? I just wanted us to coparent together and share our kids legally joint and physical, which is in our order. I hate that she has forced me to get an attorney and do all of this. I hate it! I feel sad that my children may hate me, especially since I have no idea what their mother has been saying to sabotage our relationship. Thanks!

Here is something that we are doing when we go to court this summer... Requesting permission to take the children with the father and attend therapist sessions to repair the dammage that has been done by the mothers refusal to allow visitation.. My hubbie has not seen his kids in almost a year and there was an 8 month time frame there where she would not even allow him to talk to them on the phone. We are also asking that the mother pays for at least 50% of the fathers bills for this (this children are automatically free from their indurance)

 

[Jillian483]

oops I ment Insurance

 

[Inquiry123]

It takes two...

Yes, I do know what you mean. Had a good ex-relationship for a year...then I started dating the calendar girl. That was it. Straight downhill. That was three years ago.

Ms. April is still here.

The kids see through most of the BS. I never talk about it. But they let me know, in their way, that they get it. Good luck.

 

[tigger22472]

Yes, we have a court order. Nonetheless, I have no problem if I must to go all the way in to pick the children up, but what she is doing is saying, "sorry I won't meet you there, and if you want them, come for them, but if you come and it is after 9pm, too bad, can't have them until tomorrow morning, AFTER 10am" Again, I live 4-4 1/2 hours away and the time frame she gives me of course is not reasonable...when I leave the 1/2 way point of meeting it would get me there, over an hour AFTER her designated time. This is all information SHE knows and I wish it were that "nice" and she was offering alternatives to a good reason she is unable to meet, but she started keeping the kids from me, when I retained an attorney in response to her not allowing the kids to visit from July-Dec of last year. I retained an attorney and the D.A.'s office stepped in and forced my holiday visitation...I got to see them twice in January following this, then she just decided to violate the order...Recently my life has moved on...a year ago I became seriously involved with a friend of mine and we are talking about a future together...this is the only reason I can see that she is wanting to be ugly...my relationship with the children have always been good...their mother and I just failed together...we never even fought in court for them as we share joint legal and physical custody. I just feel frustrated and wonder if NCP do all of this in vain. Sorry about just saying "fathers" earlier...it just seems to me that the system is biased and lean most times toward mothers...I may be wrong. thanks!

You say there's a court order but you don't say if it speaks of meeting half way for transportation. When the order was made did you guys live this distance apart or has this happened since the court order.. these things all make a difference and as LDIJ said depending on what it says and what it refers to she might be getting herself out of contempt due to the fact of offering 'back up' time.

 

[daddenied]

Originally not, but has been the order since moved

You say there's a court order but you don't say if it speaks of meeting half way for transportation. When the order was made did you guys live this distance apart or has this happened since the court order.. these things all make a difference and as LDIJ said depending on what it says and what it refers to she might be getting herself out of contempt due to the fact of offering 'back up' time.

She moved the kids away from me 2 years ago and since then the order had been modified that we meet at the exchange spot and that half of all travel expenses are paid by their mother. It was actually order she pay 2/3, but at the time I thought that was a bit much for her and said 1/2 was fine...and now I think I'm sorry I ever did that. Yes, it is order. have filed 3 other reports prior to today's report against her, but our hearing is not until July. Someone posted something I thought was interesting about asking that she pay for counseling sessions that my children and I should have due to all the madness that has gone on and the damage that has been done. Is that a possibility or will a judge just disregard a request like that?

 

[daddenied]

Yes, I do know what you mean. Had a good ex-relationship for a year...then I started dating the calendar girl. That was it. Straight downhill. That was three years ago.

Ms. April is still here.

The kids see through most of the BS. I never talk about it. But they let me know, in their way, that they get it. Good luck.

It's really sad. When I do get the kids, we spend our personal time together then we spend time with my significant other (who loves them equally) and we also spend time with her family (she has 20 nieces and nephews and 1/2 are the ages of my children) and my children love seeing them and have a good time whenever we get together. But, as soon as they get back, I don't hear from them, I can't reach them, they don't know what to say on the phone to me, etc...etc... I'm glad things are going well for you. I can only hope things go smoothly on my end. Thanks!

 

[daddenied]

I agree with everyone elses advice, however, there is one thing that I find necessary to add. My husband was in the same situation here. We decided that it was more important for him to drive the distance to see his children than not see them at all. He went and picked them up and then when she called that Sunday wondering when he was going to be bringing the childrens by he informed her that he was required to rpovide half of the transportation and that he had already done so. When she had the nerve to file contempt charges he explained the situation to the judge and he sided with my husband. It all depends what your court paperwork says. Does it say half of the transportation of meet half way?

It says 1/2 of ANY travel expenses for visitation, and also states exact weekends and times of the drop off of our children and times we need to meet at this same place for me to return the kids. I've thought about driving all the way in, getting the kids and telling her to come get them from my place, then I get worried that I am the NCP and she can say I kidnapped the kids, etc...etc... The only times we do not meet at the exchange spot is if any of our children had an actual scheduled sporting event or play they were involved in, then the order is that I drive all the way in, keep them in their town for the weekend visitation, and she is to pay 1/2 of all incurred travel expenses...gas, hotel, food (since I would not have to eat out if they were visiting at my home), etc... My 2 visits earlier this year were just this case and she has refused to pay 1/2 of those expenses even after furnishing her the copies of receipts as stated in the order...payment is supposed to be received within 30 days...so when I have filed reports, they ask "other" things that CP has done to violate order and I include this. I guess I have just been feeling as if justice will never prevail.

 

[Jillian483]

It says 1/2 of ANY travel expenses for visitation, and also states exact weekends and times of the drop off of our children and times we need to meet at this same place for me to return the kids. I've thought about driving all the way in, getting the kids and telling her to come get them from my place, then I get worried that I am the NCP and she can say I kidnapped the kids, etc...etc... The only times we do not meet at the exchange spot is if any of our children had an actual scheduled sporting event or play they were involved in, then the order is that I drive all the way in, keep them in their town for the weekend visitation, and she is to pay 1/2 of all incurred travel expenses...gas, hotel, food (since I would not have to eat out if they were visiting at my home), etc... My 2 visits earlier this year were just this case and she has refused to pay 1/2 of those expenses even after furnishing her the copies of receipts as stated in the order...payment is supposed to be received within 30 days...so when I have filed reports, they ask "other" things that CP has done to violate order and I include this. I guess I have just been feeling as if justice will never prevail.

Well if the order does not state that you Have to drive half way ( I am not sure, but if it does...) then I think if she calls the cops that you just tell them that she was saposed to provide the other half of the transportation herself. I AM NOT SURE (you see) so check with a lawyer first. Furthermore the fact that you have the exact dates will greatly help you when you go to court. Make sure that you contact the cops if she denies you. Some cops will help you and some won't. Make sure you have copies of all of these police reports before you go to court. It is really a matter of how involved they want to get. If you have the children and you drove all of the way there to get them and she still refuses to drive there to pick them up and they have school the next day it is wise to drive out there and drop them off. I find that children sleep in the car quite nicely so even if you wait until later in the night I don't see that it will hurt them too much. I am sure that someone will find something wrong with my post so let me once more state. I am not TELLING you what to do, I am telling you what we have done or are doing. You should always consult with a lawyer before making any decisions. I hope it helps.