getting child support after none for 8 years

[QueenofEngland]

It really used to bother me on Father's Day. Not my step kids, they were great. But we'd go to church and the EXTREMELY old-fashioned priest would ask all the fathers to stand up at the end of mass. Then he'd ask grandfathers to stand up. Then foster fathers. Then god-fathers. But never the stepfathers. (It goes back to the Catholic prohibition against divorce, I guess). Used to burn me up.

What a narrow-minded priest. Step-parents happen when a parent is widowed and remarries too. Or are widows and widowers expected to remain unmarried forever?

 

[randolph76]

What a narrow-minded priest. Step-parents happen when a parent is widowed and remarries too. Or are widows and widowers expected to remain unmarried forever?

What I always tell my kids is that having stepparents just means you're doubly loved.

 

[QueenofEngland]

And as far as telling her, I plan on telling her when she is old enough to understand the whole sex issue, jeesh, you people are sharks. The only time we ever had contact with him is when I tried......I spent my money to take her on an airplane to meet him cause he wasnt going to come to my state. I mean for the love of god, the child knows something is going on, she is 10, not stupid, and has a different last name, which is my maiden name because bio donor is not on the birth certificate. I did not sign anything on the AOP. He lived in a different state, my state knew his name because I said he was the dad and filed good cause not to establish paternity because of petty threats he made on my life if I did not get an abortion. All I know is that I get paperwork certified in the mail saying that he claims he is the father and this is what the child support is. They never even contacted me to find out my income or anything. And that was Louisiana. My god, yes I am in a cluster. Did I make it alone, no I didnt. but you guys treat me like I raped him.

I understood "the whole sex issue" when I was 7. Kids aren't as stupid as you think. It's easy to put into terms to explain to kids. It's not dirty or shameful. It's life.

You said you told your daughter when she was 3. So you expect her to remember something you told her seven years ago, but doubt her ability to understand sex now. This is contradictory.

You need to explain it to her NOW. Her legal father (morally he's nothing since he hasn't been there in any way, but the courts work on law, not ethics, and so this man is her father) has made a few payments. For all you know he's remarried and he and his wife (though legally she's a stranger) want visitation now. Your daughter won't need the double-whammy of both finding out the dad she's always known is actually her step-dad who is legally a stranger, and her siblings are half-siblings, right when she has to so spend time with people she doesn't know and has to treat as parents.

My friend's step-daughter went through that. I'll use false names. Jane and John were friends only when John and Jill were a couple. Jill got pregnant, then ran out of the picture saying she was going to abort. John couldn't find her, but found out she had the baby when the baby made the front page of the newspaper as being the first baby born in the county in the new year. John and Jane ended up in a relationship and married three years later. The only time he stopped trying to track down his daughter was when he was deployed for nearly a year.

When the child was four he found her, and went to court for visitation. It turns out the girl thought her one and only dad was the guy her mom had been shacking up with for the year prior. It traumatized the child to find out that wasn't her daddy. 8 years later and the girl and her dad have a great relationship, but she's resenting her mom now for lying for just 4 years.

You've lied for 10. Telling a kid when she's 3 doesn't count. Your daughter will find out sooner or later, and you'll minimize the damage by telling her now. f her father wants visitation, he's going to get it. You might luck out and he'll sign off on his rights so your husband can become her legal father, but it's still important for medical reasons for her to know the truth about her lineage.

 

[QueenofEngland]

ok, fine, and he abandoned her and I jump the gun when I should have got his rights terminated and my husbands enstated. Stupid me. Fine, I think i will go kill myself now because you all have made me out to be such a terrible person, I didnt come here to get beat up for trying my darnest in the begining. My god, if I spent as much effort over the last 7 years as I did in the first 3 to get him to act like a father I would never flippin got to spend time with my daughter nor go to college to be able to take care of her. I tried and tried. I dont want his money. I just want my daughter to be happy thinking she is wanted. I do not want to worry her with the why's of her "father" abandoned her until she can understand. I swear, I should have never came here. I hope all you people rot in hell, cause you have made me feel like a big old piece of crap for taking care of her. Maybe if I would have aborted her he wouldnt have threatened to kill me and its all my fault. Everything is always the mothers fault.

Quite the mellowdrama. You're getting flack because you've lied to her. In your way of "protecting" her, you've lied to her for her entire life. If you died tomorrow, she'd go right to a stranger that she doesn't know exists. What we're telling you now is to understand that, in the eyes of every judge, her father is her biological father. Your husband, her step-dad, can love her all he wants, but he's legally a stranger.

You need to tell her the truth. Her dad's trying to come back into the picture. He wouldn't have sent you some checks out of the blue otherwise. You can't keep your head in the sand any longer.

 

[stealth2]

I was gonna say - at 10, she likely knows a heck of a lot more about sex than Mom realizes. By 10, the birds and the bees are long gone. 10yo's know which part goes where, why and how.

So, OP - if you were waiting until she understood sex? The time is now.

 

[stacyinnebraska]

Man you guys are sick. Any 7 year old that knows about sex must be being abused. And putting it in such a way as a 10 year old knows what to put where......totally wrong. My god, why cant a kid be a kid and not have to worry about adult issues. My parents got divorced when I was 11. I had no idea about sex, and I sure thought it was inappropriate that my father wanted to read me divorce papers and talk poo crap about my mom. I never was the same after that. A child being put in an adult world. I am going to tell her when the time is right. Now is not that time. I talked to a lawyer and they definitely are not part of this moral court you hold here. Nebraska is a mommy state.

 

[stacyinnebraska]

And I dont think that they would just hand her over, I have a will, and the attorney said that before he even gets to visit with her if he should ever try to contact us, he would have to be evaluated by a court appointed counselor for his fitness as a parent since he abandoned her.

 

[stacyinnebraska]

but I am done now.