What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? WISCONSIN
My husband and I just got married. The only reason I am trying this is because I am a bit more tech savvy!
Anyway, our question has a couple of components, legal and emotional. I cannot seem to find a resource anywhere on the net where the exes actually get along.
My husband has three children, all of whom he shares joint custody with their moms. In the beginning, he always thought it would be better off for kids to be with their moms as long as he was actively involved. I came into the picture and for three years, our relationships with the moms has gotten even better. We have supper, birthday parties, celebrate each others weddings, watch each others kids (his daughter has a new stepbrother and his boys have little brother from a different father). The daughter is in good hands-very educated, attentive, and loving (albeit dramatic) mom and step dad with many resources. The boys are in a home with a mom that loves them SO very much. She makes sure she goes to the doctor the second they need it. She laughs and loves on them. But the problem is, they only get attention when she has time. She is single and pregnant with her 4th child. She works a $10/hr job and supplements her income with child support (most of which she gets from my husband because second father doesn't make very much), free state care, foodstamps, regular money from mother and father. She has no control of the boys. She had a rough childhood (and her mother still is not good for the boys well-being). She thinks that she can show the boys she loves them by giving them everything they demand of her. They treat her like crap and misbehave in school (not WAY too badly at school) because of what she allows them to do. She doesn't challenge their brains. She can hardly keep things working around the house because there are three of them (little brother is 1 1/2) and they are constantly all over the place and hitting and screaming and fighting. She uses the wii as a babysitter while she does things around the house. She gives them verbal consequences but never applies them. I know--it sounds like she needs a parenting course and that it could be fixed. That isn't the case. She loves the boys, but that's not enough. She can help them grow into very average adults. Average is ok, but when their potential is screaming at us, my husband wants them to have so much more (not the bare minimum). I am a teacher, and I absolutely love them. I've been in their lives since ages 3 and 1 (and they are 6 and 4). I feel like our home is so much less emotional (no screaming or cussing and money stresses are kept to a minimum. Not only that, but we can really give them what they need. My husband and I are convinced that at the rate they are going, mom is going to call when they are 11 and 8 and say I CAN'T take it anymore (like she often does but then takes it back) and they will come live with us. It is a LOT harder to get kids that old back on the right track, especially if their mental and emotional needs have not been met for that long. We are concerned about their success as adults if they stay where they are. Mom loves them, but it's just not enough. 50/50 custody is not an option because we can't live in that town (WAY too far away from work for my husband). We always have lived within a 30 mile radius so we can comfortably go pick them up for random ice cream and can be there quickly if an emergency were to arise, but we can't live there where mom bought a house. (We don't know how she bought a house with so much public assistance and making 10/hr, but it happened and she is constantly talking about selling/bankruptcy to get out of it.)
Bottom line- we want physical custody (with moms very very regular involvement). What are the chances of getting it if mom is actually providing their basic needs (food, clothing, shelter) AND is not a bad person? We suspect that she smokes marijuana on occasion, but I'd give my right arm to say it's never been around the boys. We don't really want to use that to get the kids because my husband smoked marijuana regularly 5 years back. It's not a good lifestyle and keeps a mom from being interactive with her children, but it doesn't make her a bad person.
Secondly, in everyone's worldly experience, is there a way to get custody that hurts her just a little bit less? We love the relationship we've developed and she is truly a great person inside. We don't want her hurt at all, but know that pain is unfortunately a regular consequence of separated parents.
Thanks in advance for all of your help!
My husband and I just got married. The only reason I am trying this is because I am a bit more tech savvy!
Anyway, our question has a couple of components, legal and emotional. I cannot seem to find a resource anywhere on the net where the exes actually get along.My husband has three children, all of whom he shares joint custody with their moms. In the beginning, he always thought it would be better off for kids to be with their moms as long as he was actively involved. I came into the picture and for three years, our relationships with the moms has gotten even better. We have supper, birthday parties, celebrate each others weddings, watch each others kids (his daughter has a new stepbrother and his boys have little brother from a different father). The daughter is in good hands-very educated, attentive, and loving (albeit dramatic) mom and step dad with many resources. The boys are in a home with a mom that loves them SO very much. She makes sure she goes to the doctor the second they need it. She laughs and loves on them. But the problem is, they only get attention when she has time. She is single and pregnant with her 4th child. She works a $10/hr job and supplements her income with child support (most of which she gets from my husband because second father doesn't make very much), free state care, foodstamps, regular money from mother and father. She has no control of the boys. She had a rough childhood (and her mother still is not good for the boys well-being). She thinks that she can show the boys she loves them by giving them everything they demand of her. They treat her like crap and misbehave in school (not WAY too badly at school) because of what she allows them to do. She doesn't challenge their brains. She can hardly keep things working around the house because there are three of them (little brother is 1 1/2) and they are constantly all over the place and hitting and screaming and fighting. She uses the wii as a babysitter while she does things around the house. She gives them verbal consequences but never applies them. I know--it sounds like she needs a parenting course and that it could be fixed. That isn't the case. She loves the boys, but that's not enough. She can help them grow into very average adults. Average is ok, but when their potential is screaming at us, my husband wants them to have so much more (not the bare minimum). I am a teacher, and I absolutely love them. I've been in their lives since ages 3 and 1 (and they are 6 and 4). I feel like our home is so much less emotional (no screaming or cussing and money stresses are kept to a minimum. Not only that, but we can really give them what they need. My husband and I are convinced that at the rate they are going, mom is going to call when they are 11 and 8 and say I CAN'T take it anymore (like she often does but then takes it back) and they will come live with us. It is a LOT harder to get kids that old back on the right track, especially if their mental and emotional needs have not been met for that long. We are concerned about their success as adults if they stay where they are. Mom loves them, but it's just not enough. 50/50 custody is not an option because we can't live in that town (WAY too far away from work for my husband). We always have lived within a 30 mile radius so we can comfortably go pick them up for random ice cream and can be there quickly if an emergency were to arise, but we can't live there where mom bought a house. (We don't know how she bought a house with so much public assistance and making 10/hr, but it happened and she is constantly talking about selling/bankruptcy to get out of it.)
Bottom line- we want physical custody (with moms very very regular involvement). What are the chances of getting it if mom is actually providing their basic needs (food, clothing, shelter) AND is not a bad person? We suspect that she smokes marijuana on occasion, but I'd give my right arm to say it's never been around the boys. We don't really want to use that to get the kids because my husband smoked marijuana regularly 5 years back. It's not a good lifestyle and keeps a mom from being interactive with her children, but it doesn't make her a bad person.
Secondly, in everyone's worldly experience, is there a way to get custody that hurts her just a little bit less? We love the relationship we've developed and she is truly a great person inside. We don't want her hurt at all, but know that pain is unfortunately a regular consequence of separated parents.
Thanks in advance for all of your help!
